Stephyotis Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 My boyfriend and I have know each other for 8 years. We dated for 3 years, from 2003-2006, broke up (we were both young and needed growing up, I was 22), then started dating again in Oct 2008. We are so compatible, have so much fun together, have so many similar interests and are completely comfortable with each other. However, I have no desire for anything physical with him beyond holding hands and cuddling. I know he does not feel the same way. He will make advances and sometimes I comply, but other times I make up excuses. For example, we had a hotel room on Valentines day. Before dinner we were in the room and my excuse was, I didn't want to have to shower again before we went out. THEN when we got home from dinner, I fell right asleep. I must note that, when we are intimate, it is very enjoyable, so it's not a matter of performance. I guess my questions are: 1) Is it normal after all these years to be more like best friends and less focused on the physical? 2) Would you stay with someone who treats you well, makes you laugh and loves you dearly (who you love too), even if there was no passion from your end? Any thoughts or advice are appreciated!!! Thanks!
Alma Mobley Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 1) Is it normal after all these years to be more like best friends and less focused on the physical? 2) Would you stay with someone who treats you well, makes you laugh and loves you dearly (who you love too), even if there was no passion from your end? 1) Yes and 2) Yes, but only after many years. BUT You are both young and have not experienced life or others, so no, you should not be acting like an old married couple. You two have been together since a young age, and curiosity about others will follow. You are too young to settle into 1 and 2 just now. Don't do that to yourselves.
Sam Spade Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 If you leave him, you'll probably regret it. The grass is almost never greener, and unless he is actually hideous and really unatractive or something, it might be the case that you have some issues that need looking into. Sexual activity tapers off over time in long relationships, but reaches a steady rhytm. But to actively avoid it doesn't sound good at all.
Author Stephyotis Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 Also, I should note that I dated guys in between dating my current boyfriend and never had this issue. My boyfriend is very good-looking and attractive as well.
manugeorge Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 You have to decide if and how important "passion" is to you in a relationship. It's great that you are best friends but it doesn't bode well for you if you are repulsed by his touch. Is it a matter of you not being physically attracted to him? or is it that your libido is lacking in general and you are not interested in sex with ANYONE? To answer your questions, sex does die down in a long term relationship but ideally, the flames get reduced to a low burning heat, not put out altogether. And you can stay with someone who treats you well and loves you dearly even if you have no passion for them but I guarantee you, the moment you run into another guy who ignites that passion in you, you'll be out the door so fast, both of your heads will spin. It's very rarely a either/or situation. There are men out there who you will share common interests with and who will also ignite passion in you.
carhill Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 IMO, for you, the sex never led to the deeper emotional and spiritual connection. Once the honeymoon phase was over and the chemicals subsided, for you, no deep bond was created. You're processing your attachment to him intellectually, like a list. That's not bad, but indicative of a lost connection. Tell me, after all this time, and by your own admission, with a good-looking, attractive man who loves you, you don't feel any desire to be with him; he doesn't brighten your world and inspire you in any way? Just so you know, you can be with someone for decades, even after the sexual passion fades, and they are still your joy in life, your inspiration. You might show that connection differently, and most people do, but the underlying reasons and desire to be and remain together become immutable. If none of this makes sense or you find it inapplicable to your perspective of what a relationship should be, let him go and find a woman who does return his love in a way he finds healthy and desirable. If you hang on to him only for the parts *you* want, that says volumes about you. I wish you well 1
Viking Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 You sound like my ex. We were friends, got along really well, had similar interests, BUT we had become too comfy and she felt like the "passion and fireworks" were gone. Well, she was expecting to be on cloud 9 every day and I guess I wasn't a puffy enough cloud to support the weight of her enormous expectation. We broke up and I'm better off. If you break up with your BF, go no contact with him and make sure that you don't lead him on. I wish my ex had done that. However, if you stay together, your "passion" may not return. In which case, you have a glorified roommate (husband) and will feel terrible for not feeling romantic towards him. BUT passion/intimacy can be returned to your relationship if you can figure out WHY you're together. If its because you work well together, have fun, laugh and feel close, then that's important. Like the old saying about when the fire burns down, the hot embers are what keeps the heat going, or something like that... Best of luck.
Alma Mobley Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 You have to decide if and how important "passion" is to you in a relationship. It's great that you are best friends but it doesn't bode well for you if you are repulsed by his touch. Is it a matter of you not being physically attracted to him? or is it that your libido is lacking in general and you are not interested in sex with ANYONE? To answer your questions, sex does die down in a long term relationship but ideally, the flames get reduced to a low burning heat, not put out altogether. And you can stay with someone who treats you well and loves you dearly even if you have no passion for them but I guarantee you, the moment you run into another guy who ignites that passion in you, you'll be out the door so fast, both of your heads will spin. It's very rarely a either/or situation. There are men out there who you will share common interests with and who will also ignite passion in you. Listen to this guy. You are young (from what you posted -- 22?) and this is happening already. What about ten years down the road and a couple of kids? I am biased of course, as I find passion important in a LTR. Just don't limit yourself.
Author Stephyotis Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 I definitely don't expect to be on cloud nine every day, but I just thought I'd have more desire to be with him physically. I guess part of it comes down to feeling badly that I'm not interested in those kinds of things with HIM. I am interested generally. And I have met another guy who I'm very attracted to, but am not pursuing because that's not fair to my boyfriend. My boyfriend is an amazing guy and I feel like he deserves some effort on my part. I know that passion dies down and old married couples survive on their companionship. I just didn't think it would happen to me when I'm 25.
manugeorge Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I definitely don't expect to be on cloud nine every day, but I just thought I'd have more desire to be with him physically. I guess part of it comes down to feeling badly that I'm not interested in those kinds of things with HIM. I am interested generally. And I have met another guy who I'm very attracted to, but am not pursuing because that's not fair to my boyfriend. My boyfriend is an amazing guy and I feel like he deserves some effort on my part. I know that passion dies down and old married couples survive on their companionship. I just didn't think it would happen to me when I'm 25. Why do you think you are not interested in "those kinds of things" with him? Were you once interested? what changed? To be fair to him, you have to try to get to the root of the problem, that will be part of the effort you will have to make. Do you not like the way he kisses? does he fart in bed? Is it just a case of the same old? Dig deep and find out what is really going on?
Alma Mobley Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I definitely don't expect to be on cloud nine every day, but I just thought I'd have more desire to be with him physically. I guess part of it comes down to feeling badly that I'm not interested in those kinds of things with HIM. I am interested generally. And I have met another guy who I'm very attracted to, but am not pursuing because that's not fair to my boyfriend. My boyfriend is an amazing guy and I feel like he deserves some effort on my part. I know that passion dies down and old married couples survive on their companionship. I just didn't think it would happen to me when I'm 25. That means it is time for you to move on, especially if you are interested in someone else. 25 is still young and you have been together for a looong time. Better to leave now than to leave this poor guy in confusion. You will hurt him, of course, but you will hurt him more if you stay. Remember, he deserves to be with someone who is totally into him, emotionally AND physically. You are not doing him any favors by staying when you do not feel that way.
Viking Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I definitely don't expect to be on cloud nine every day, but I just thought I'd have more desire to be with him physically. I guess part of it comes down to feeling badly that I'm not interested in those kinds of things with HIM. I am interested generally. And I have met another guy who I'm very attracted to, but am not pursuing because that's not fair to my boyfriend. My boyfriend is an amazing guy and I feel like he deserves some effort on my part. I know that passion dies down and old married couples survive on their companionship. I just didn't think it would happen to me when I'm 25. You're not done being "alive". Part of it is you've become interested in a new guy and all of the sudden, those greener pastures are calling. I had it happen to me (2 years 8 months), and I lost out, but better now than being married with kids, eh? If your boyfriend is an amazing guy, figure out why. If its because he's nice, that might not be enough, for you. If its because he's nice, treats you well, with respect, puts effort into the relationship, puts you in his plans and before his own, then he's a great guy. That is not something to squander (not saying you are) by possibly testing other waters. If you break up with him, be prepared to not talk to him for a LONG time, if ever. My ex broke up with me in July of 08 and I pursued her until November of 08 because she was on the fence, for a long time. After she chose to not get back together, my life was simple, spartan and devoid of her. I felt good, until I saw her in my Uni's library when she stopped and tried to talk to me. I brushed her aside because I didn't want to talk to her again because the pangs of pain came back and I didn't want to deal with that again. I haven't talked to her in over two months since that. You have to ask yourself, "Is he worth the risk" and whether or not throwing him away will allow you to find "better" (aka different). Being someone who was in your BF's position, I would probably try to tell you to give him some time, but ultimately, HE might be better off WITHOUT YOU if you're not sure. It would free you both for a new perspective. And if you decided that you made a mistake, you can always try to go back, but be prepared to see that door dead-bolted and made of cold steel.
Author Stephyotis Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 My boyfriend and I were together for nearly 3 years, broke up for nearly 3 years and are now back together. During our break, I dated other guys, but he never dated another girl because he always wanted me back. We got back together because he had changed a lot of the things that caused us to break up before. I thought it was going to be perfect this time. At the end of our first relationship I felt no physical desire for him, but I thought it was due to our underlying problems. Now we pretty much have it all working right for us and the issue is back for me. I know if I lose him this time, I lose him forever. I can't keep hurting him. And the thought of him not in my life is scary and sad, but I am just nervous that I feel that way because he's my best friend. I do love him so much and I feel extremely selfish for having these thoughts at all.
Geishawhelk Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 And you can stay with someone who treats you well and loves you dearly even if you have no passion for them but I guarantee you, the moment you run into another guy who ignites that passion in you, you'll be out the door so fast, both of your heads will spin. You have absolutely no idea how accurate this is. I was in such a relationship with my ex-h., and over time we had become companions, house-mates and firm friends - but the physical side of our R was completely and utterly non-existent. I then met someone else and fell Head over Heeks with them, faster than a speeding bullet. I had to make a choice, and after a lengthy discussion with my ex-h, we called it a day, giving both of us the liberty to move onwards and upwards. It all happened at breakneck speed. That's not to say it was painless. Far from it. The whole separation/divorce thing had cataclysmic consequences, but riding the storm, we're over the worst. It can be done, but it takes courage to move out of such a deeply-ingrained comfort zone.....
manugeorge Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 aaaahhh, the good ol' resentment. I'm assuming you lost the loving feeling the first time around because of his behaviour and now that he's turned a new leaf, those feelings have refused come back. That's the curse of resentment, once you let it fester, it is very rarely reversible. Don't discount the 3 year space you had between you, absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. You may have just outgrown him even though he is a changed man now. There is nothing wrong with that. I personally cannot think of an ex of mine that I would date now, not because they are bad people but because what I saw in them at 22 is no longer appealing to me at 28. Out of curiosity though, what made you break up the first time around? What did he do and what did you do?
Geishawhelk Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 That's "Heels" and not "Heeks".....!! (tried to correct, but the old "run out of time!" window came up......)
carhill Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Funnily, I saw "heels" OP, sometimes a mirror is nice. What if you were totally invested and he was looking at his options? Think about how you would view him, then look in that mirror and examine yourself. That's healthy
Alma Mobley Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I agree with Geishawalk - who said it better. Leave now rather than cause more pain in the future.
eclipseIDE Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 You have absolutely no idea how accurate this is. I was in such a relationship with my ex-h., and over time we had become companions, house-mates and firm friends - but the physical side of our R was completely and utterly non-existent. I then met someone else and fell Head over Heeks with them, faster than a speeding bullet. I had to make a choice, and after a lengthy discussion with my ex-h, we called it a day, giving both of us the liberty to move onwards and upwards. It all happened at breakneck speed. That's not to say it was painless. Far from it. The whole separation/divorce thing had cataclysmic consequences, but riding the storm, we're over the worst. It can be done, but it takes courage to move out of such a deeply-ingrained comfort zone..... I think Ill use this post as another example why men dont want to get married. I see you dont accept personal responsibilty for your actions. You say things like we and us when it was you who fell head over heals for someone else. To the OP quit being such a whiner and break up with the guy. Dont come back here crying here how you made a mistake and how you miss the way your ex treated you.
manugeorge Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I think Ill use this post as another example why men dont want to get married. I see you dont accept personal responsibilty for your actions. You say things like we and us when it was you who fell head over heals for someone else. To the OP quit being such a whiner and break up with the guy. Dont come back here crying here how you made a mistake and how you miss the way your ex treated you. See now, I think that is a bitter response. It is OK for her to no longer be attracted to her boyfriend even if he is Superman, Einstein, Brad Pitt, Bono, all wrapped in one. It is OK to fall out of love/like. And just because you are no longer attracted to someone who is perfect on paper doesn't mean you prefer to date jerks, nor does it mean all the guys you will subsequently meet will be jerks. There is a middle ground people, eesh!
Author Stephyotis Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 Out of curiosity though, what made you break up the first time around? What did he do and what did you do? He was very antisocial and critical. I wanted to go out, have fun, and he was content with spending time with only me and staying in. We also weren't great at communicating. We both just went along like nothing was wrong. This time around though he's social and fun-loving and we talk about a lot more things. I plan on talking to him about how I am feeling now, but I just want to be sure I know exactly how that is first.
Author Stephyotis Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 OP, sometimes a mirror is nice. What if you were totally invested and he was looking at his options? Think about how you would view him, then look in that mirror and examine yourself. That's healthy That's really good advice. I know if it was turned around, I would want him to talk to me first before making any decisions. Being best friends, being so close, I would expect that much respect from him. It's definitely something I plan to do once I can calm the spinning thoughts in my head and know exactly how I feel.
eclipseIDE Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 See now, I think that is a bitter response. It is OK for her to no longer be attracted to her boyfriend even if he is Superman, Einstein, Brad Pitt, Bono, all wrapped in one. It is OK to fall out of love/like. And just because you are no longer attracted to someone who is perfect on paper doesn't mean you prefer to date jerks, nor does it mean all the guys you will subsequently meet will be jerks. There is a middle ground people, eesh! You think its a bitter response? You want coddling watch Oprah. Seriously are women ever happy? Have her go to a womens shelter and tell the abused women how shes not physically attracted to her boyfriend and see how bad they feel for her. Im bitter because Im so sick of the throw society we have these days. Women have this unrealistic expectation that they always need to feel like some damn soap opera. Its clear her miind is made up so do it already. Dont come her to look for reassurance. Dump him and tell him why.
manugeorge Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 You think its a bitter response? You want coddling watch Oprah. Seriously are women ever happy? Have her go to a womens shelter and tell the abused women how shes not physically attracted to her boyfriend and see how bad they feel for her. Im bitter because Im so sick of the throw society we have these days. Women have this unrealistic expectation that they always need to feel like some damn soap opera. Its clear her miind is made up so do it already. Dont come her to look for reassurance. Dump him and tell him why. Well, at least you admit you're bitter. So society is ONLY made up of all around great guys and wife beaters, there is no in-between? If that's the way you think, then I'm not even going to bother.
Author Stephyotis Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 You think its a bitter response? You want coddling watch Oprah. Seriously are women ever happy? Have her go to a womens shelter and tell the abused women how shes not physically attracted to her boyfriend and see how bad they feel for her. Im bitter because Im so sick of the throw society we have these days. Women have this unrealistic expectation that they always need to feel like some damn soap opera. Its clear her miind is made up so do it already. Dont come her to look for reassurance. Dump him and tell him why. Of course women are happy. There is nothing wrong with being particular about what makes us so. Honestly, I DONT want my life to be a soap opera. I want a happy, simple life. I'm just confused right now, which I don't think is a crime, nor an attempt to dramatize my life. I came here looking for some advice, which means I obviously haven't made up my mind.
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