My boyfriend is my BEST FRIEND, but I have no passion for him.

[manugeorge]

Stephotis, you still didn't say what it is that stops you from wanting to be physically intimate with him? Can you pinpoint the feeling you get when he approaches you for sex or kissing? Are you grossed out, repulsed? What exaclty do you feel during those times?

[Stephyotis]

I'm not repulsed at all. I'm just not really interested. He's a good kisser and everything is always great once it gets going, but I just never really care if it happens or not. This is not something that happens to me generally. I am usually very interested in the physical side of a relationship. I just don't feel overly excited or an intense desire to keep going. I never initiate other than hand holding or cuddling (which I really enjoy-- but I am a girl). And it just makes no sense! It's really frustrating. Also, neither of us live alone and finding time to be together is often hard, so you'd think I'd be extra eager when we do find time. It's not the case.

[eclipseIDE]

Of course women are happy. There is nothing wrong with being particular about what makes us so. Honestly, I DONT want my life to be a soap opera. I want a happy, simple life. I'm just confused right now, which I don't think is a crime, nor an attempt to dramatize my life. I came here looking for some advice, which means I obviously haven't made up my mind.

 

 

Youve known this person 8 years and dated almost 4 and you still dont know?

 

If it was the other way around all the women on here would be telling you to ditch him because you would be wasting your time with him.

[eclipseIDE]

Well, at least you admit you're bitter. So society is ONLY made up of all around great guys and wife beaters, there is no in-between? If that's the way you think, then I'm not even going to bother.

 

 

Of course youre not because you dont have an argument. People fall in and out of love all the time and manage to stick it out.

 

You obviously dont get my point about the womens shelter. Women like to create dramas because they dont have that lovey dovey feeling every day and ruin peoples lives in the process. Its all about making yourself happy without worrying what type of effect you have on other people.

[Stephyotis]

 

You obviously dont get my point about the womens shelter. Women like to create dramas because they dont have that lovey dovey feeling every day and ruin peoples lives in the process. Its all about making yourself happy without worrying what type of effect you have on other people.

 

You obviously haven't read all my posts on here. You're just here to be a dissenter and to stir the pot.

[manugeorge]

interesting, so if he stops initiating sex altogether, would you care or would you be relieved?

 

The other guys you've had "passion" with, how long were you with them on average? Could it just be that you have become so familiar with your boyfriend that the familiarity has ceased to ignite any fire in you?

 

How is sex with him different from sex with other guys? Is it the same ol' which would mean you have nothing exciting to look forward to during sex? Do you and your boyfriend try new things in bed? toys, positions?

 

You say he is more outgoing now and less critical, does it come across to you as natural or do you see someone(him) putting up a charade? Is he inherently an introvert who changed for you or did he change for himself?

And if you are really honest with yourself, do you think that maybe you are still bottling up some resentment from who he use be?

 

I know these are a billion questions and you don't even have to answer them to the board, but it's something to think about when you are trying to get to the root of why.

[carhill]

neither of us live alone and finding time to be together is often hard, so you'd think I'd be extra eager when we do find time. It's not the case.

 

So, you live separately and with other people. Tell me about this. To me, a guy who values his personal space, 8 years (4 of dating) seems like a long time to be in each other's lives without progressing. Before you broke up the last time, were you living together? At any time, with any other intimate relation, have either of you lived with such relation?

 

What I'm sensing is a couple of fence-sitters. Nothing wrong with that, except I'm hearing feelings of discord and unhealthiness from you. Some people sit on the fence for their entire lives. It's a lifestyle

 

Tell me about your closest non-sexual friendship. Does this person have an opinion about your relationship? If so, what is it?

 

I ask these questions because this is some of the material my wife and I covered in MC. Historical behavior is often a predictor of future behavior, absent active modification and growth. I can save you 165.00/hr

[manugeorge]

Of course youre not because you dont have an argument. People fall in and out of love all the time and manage to stick it out.

 

You obviously dont get my point about the womens shelter. Women like to create dramas because they dont have that lovey dovey feeling every day and ruin peoples lives in the process. Its all about making yourself happy without worrying what type of effect you have on other people.

 

I'm not going to bother because when someone starts generalizing, "women this and men that", they are usually too far gone in their delusions to be reasoned with.

 

And you're women's shelter's argument. wt$*&%????? does that even mean?

[Untouchable_Fire]

My boyfriend and I were together for nearly 3 years, broke up for nearly 3 years and are now back together. During our break, I dated other guys, but he never dated another girl because he always wanted me back.

 

but I am just nervous that I feel that way because he's my best friend. I do love him so much and I feel extremely selfish for having these thoughts at all.

 

There are some big "female" attraction warning signs here.

 

1. He seems devoted to you. - Typically a HUGE turnoff for most girls. Because you don't have to do anything to "keep him" it lessens your physical attraction to him. Guys are very similar. We are most attracted to women who are a challenge to us.

 

2. Lack of respect - There seems to be some aspects of him that you do not have respect for. That also reduces attraction.

 

Of course women are happy. There is nothing wrong with being particular about what makes us so. Honestly, I DONT want my life to be a soap opera. I want a happy, simple life. I'm just confused right now, which I don't think is a crime, nor an attempt to dramatize my life. I came here looking for some advice, which means I obviously haven't made up my mind.

 

Bottom line is that you need to figure out WHY he isn't sexually attractive to you.

 

Is he too safe?

Do you still resent him for how he was the last time you dated?

What makes you attracted to other men?

[Stephyotis]

interesting, so if he stops initiating sex altogether, would you care or would you be relieved?

Relieved, I think. I wouldn't feel bad then.

 

The other guys you've had "passion" with, how long were you with them on average? Could it just be that you have become so familiar with your boyfriend that the familiarity has ceased to ignite any fire in you?

I was with two other guys when we were broken up. One for nearly 2 years and one for only 4 months.

 

How is sex with him different from sex with other guys? Is it the same ol' which would mean you have nothing exciting to look forward to during sex? Do you and your boyfriend try new things in bed? toys, positions?

We aren't overly adventurous, but I wasn't with any other guy either. To be perfectly honest, he's the only guy who has really made it a point to be sure I'm satisfied every time. So you'd think I would look forward it moreso.

 

You say he is more outgoing now and less critical, does it come across to you as natural or do you see someone(him) putting up a charade? Is he inherently an introvert who changed for you or did he change for himself?

And if you are really honest with yourself, do you think that maybe you are still bottling up some resentment from who he use be?

This I have to think about. I don't think so. I feel like he's being genuine, but maybe I need to delve deeper here.

[Stephyotis]

So, you live separately and with other people. Tell me about this. To me, a guy who values his personal space, 8 years (4 of dating) seems like a long time to be in each other's lives without progressing. Before you broke up the last time, were you living together? At any time, with any other intimate relation, have either of you lived with such relation?

We lived together last time for 4 months right before we broke up. I think it contributed to our break up because he was so antisocial. But at the end, we were never intimate. I just didn't want it because I resented him. Now I am just confused as to why I don't now.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

It's possible that there is a physical reason that you don't want sex, too. For example, some drugs can lower your sex drive. Don't count that out.

[Stephyotis]

2. Lack of respect - There seems to be some aspects of him that you do not have respect for. That also reduces attraction.

This one is not true.

 

 

Bottom line is that you need to figure out WHY he isn't sexually attractive to you.

Is he too safe?

Do you still resent him for how he was the last time you dated?

What makes you attracted to other men?

He IS safe, but I don't think that's a bad thing. At my age, I've thought about marriage and a family, so safe doesn't scare me off like it would when I was 21. I don't feel conscious resentment. With the other men, they were more dominant and masculine. That's the only difference I can see.

[manugeorge]

I definitely think there is more than meets the eye here. You love him, You don't resent him, you are best friends and you genuinely enjoy his company, you don't find him boring in bed, you think he is attractive and you have a normal libido, but just not with him.

 

Perhaps something snapped the first time you broke up, something that can't really be glued together again even though things seems perfect now.

 

Why did you get back together with him? because you really wanted to or because he waited and pursued you?

 

The other guy you are attracted to could also play role.

 

Also, have you actually made a conscious effort to be sexual with him, initiate sex , kiss him passionately, etc? Because sometimes, you really do have to consciously get something started and then warm up to it. You do say you enjoy the sex when you are intimate, right?

[Geishawhelk]

I think Ill use this post as another example why men dont want to get married. I see you dont accept personal responsibilty for your actions. You say things like we and us when it was you who fell head over heals for someone else.

 

Ok, well given that this is addressed to me, I have to say, as this isn't my thread, I did rather give you the abridged version....

 

During our 22-year marriage, he cheated on me twice.

I remained faithful throughout, but we had a lot of problems physically for a number of reasons.

(Most of the time it was put onto "my shoulders" because certain events conspired against us to create a very difficult situation.)

I ended up suffering from a hormonal imbalance, which left me feeling very unwell.

I also suffered 2 miscarriages, during this time because the foetuses weren't viable due to this hormonal imbalance.

The psychological hurdle was that I was abused and raped as a teenager, and it took me a while to get over that.

 

In the end, my ex and I developped a close platonic relationship, because the sex just wasn't there.

In all the years of our marriage, I guess we must have had sex about 7 - maybe 10 times....

we had agreed that we would probably go our separate ways at a mutually agreeable point.

I take nothing away from the fact that I then met and fell in love with someone else, but it's difficult to sit and give a blow-by-blow account.

However, all this said, I don't need to justify myself to you, or to anyone else, for that matter.

What happened happened, and that's all there is to it.

 

My ex and I are now back to being on very good terms, and there's no problem there.

I hope this clarifies things for you.

Apologies for the temporary diversion of this thread.

 

Back to topic.

 

Thanks

[isoleaf]

i had a similar experience with a girl friend of mine.

 

we were awesome friends, compatible as best friends in every way. we thought that this indicated that our relationship would be just as awesome.

 

we were wrong.

 

once we got together, i didn't feel any passion even though she did. ultimately, the problem was that our relationship was simply more fun for me when it was a friendship and adding the romance component made things worse for me and not better (sounds like the same is happening to you).

 

once this was established, i broke things off. i didn't want to risk losing her as a friend. i know we could be friends for 10+ years easily, but together as a couple we wouldn't last more than a year. why would i sacrifice 10+ years of amazing friendship, for 1 year of a potential relationship that most likely will not work out and then lose that 10 year friends potential.

 

it wasn't worth it for me.

 

so you need to figure out if you want this guy as a SO or a friend. for me, the person worked better as a friend and the sex didn't add anything to the relationship for me.

 

however, be prepared to get pulled through the ringer for this. i sat on this information for 3 months before i came clean. looks like you've been stringing him along for 3 YEARS and not only that you've been asking him to CHANGE and adapt so that he can have a chance. he's fronted quite a bit of effort and you have already risked your friendship for the sake of a potential relationship. hopefully you can make amends if you care to.

 

i say if you care to because it might be a lot of up front effort on your part. when my girl found out, she was furious and hurt like i've never seen before. i kept calling her, would drive her home whenever she needed, picked her up at random places, was pretty much her bitch because i wanted to prove to her how much her friendship meant to me and how sorry i was to have hurt her by misleading her into a relationship.

 

this went on for 8 solid months before she finally told me that i had done so much for her at such a cost to myself without ever asking for so much as a kind word that she was finally convinced that i cared for her deeply and believed that i didn't know what i was doing and that i was willing to do what it took to keep her as a friend. that i cared more about our friendship than i did even my own well-being and that i was willing to be tested on this.

 

if you're not willing to go through something similar, then be prepared to lose a friend. this was a risk you unknowingly took, but now you have to deal with it. hopefully you can/will.

 

good luck.

[kdark]

I think your boyfriend is a doormat, and that's why you aren't attracted.

 

Just my $0.02.

[Stephyotis]

I never asked him to change for me. He changed over the course of our time apart, for himself. He is happier now than ever, and was happy even before we got back together. We got back together because I saw him at a party, saw how different he seemed, and still saw the same guy I loved from our first relationship. He then pursued me, knowing he'd changed for the better and hoping it could work this time. I didn't know then that I'd have these feelings 6 months later. I know I'll lose him completely if I break things off and that scares me a lot. That is why I'm so confused. I just want to know what I decide is right. I know I'm the only one who can figure that out, but I just need to hear all possibilities.

[manugeorge]

Another suggestion is for you to actually start making a conscious effort to be sexually intimate with him. What's stopping you from just kissing him passionately, or giving him a nice massage to get things going? Do that for a while and see what happens. Yes it may feel forced and you may not be horny at the time but it can't hurt, especially when you said that the sex is good once you do get warmed up. Sexual prowess/motivation can sometimes be a use it or lose it thing. If you sit there expecting it to just come to you, you may be sitting for a while. This works especially for people with low libidos.

[socialight]

i am pretty confused here.

 

If I read all this correctly, the only problem in the relationship is that he wants sex and you don't. You don't feel a desire to have sex with him.

 

If that is the only issue in the relationship, seriously, the only issue, then stop jerking this guy around and just suck it up and have sex when he wants to have sex.

 

If that seriously is the only issue in your relationship, you have a pretty good relationship. He is probably doing a number of things to be with you that he doesn't like or want and you have no clue because he is committed. Are you committed? If so, it's not too much to ask for you to something for him.

[Stephyotis]

I will definitely try to be more initiating. I hope I can find that passion for him deep down.

 

And being in a good relationship should mean we want to have sex with each other, at least sometimes. It shouldn't be one sided. It's not like I hate being physical with anyone. I just need to find out if I can find that desire for him or if it's merely a case of loving a man who's my best friend only and not my best friend and lover.

[MN randomguy]

IDK,

 

I think maybe some type of power imbalance in the relationship?

 

I'd go to Couple's counseling before doing something rash like running off. You'll have issues to work through with the new guy too.

 

If he pleases every time, I'd say there's something in your head.

[Stephyotis]

Yeah, there are always going to be issues. Hopefully this is something I can overcome. Like I've said, I have a normal libido, so if I can figure out what's causing the decreased interest with my boyfriend, then I'm sure we can be fine. I just hope it's something I can fix and isn't just a case of not having that spark.

[socialight]

>>Like I've said, I have a normal libido,

 

Are you sure? Really? How do you know? Because you just think you do?

 

Having a "great" boyfriend and not wanting to have sex with him is inconsistent with having a "normal" libido.

 

Either there is something wrong with this guy / relationship that you are not telling us, or there is something wrong with you. I encourage you to fully investigate both avenues.

[Stephyotis]

Are you sure? Really? How do you know? Because you just think you do?

I have normal urges and desires. I have sexual frustration after long periods with no activity, I just don't always feel the need to satisfy those urges with my boyfriend (until he provokes me and I go with it).

 

Having a "great" boyfriend and not wanting to have sex with him is inconsistent with having a "normal" libido.

This is what I'm having a problem understanding. He is great, and I am definitely in the normal category (from previous relationships and current urges).

 

Either there is something wrong with this guy / relationship that you are not telling us, or there is something wrong with you. I encourage you to fully investigate both avenues.

It's probably something wrong with me (mentally not physically). I just get more and more frustrated with myself for having these thoughts at all.