Ex wants to be my friend... pathetic

[Surfer Dude]

Guess what folks... after cheating on me, dumping me and treating me like a piece of sh*t, my ex wants back into my life. She destroyed my life, my future and left me shell of a man I once was. I begged, pleaded and cried to get her back - to no avail, she was busy sucking other cocks. When we'd talk, it was solely on her terms and convenience and it was usually when she wanted to tell me about her new one nite stands and boyfriends. She did it just to destroy me and suck my soul out I guess, but I still can't understand why anyone would want to do such a thing to another human being, especially the one they loved in the past.

 

I tried NC several times, only to have it broken by her under false pretenses of needing help, only to tell me details about her dates and sex with some dudes. She wanted total and complete control over me and wanted to see if she can get my emotional states to change. I just wanted to move on and forget the pain, yet she wouldn't let me go.

 

I had finally blocked her on all services and haven't heard from her since. This was around December. Ever since, I've grown so much, become a better person, started dating again, healed and moved on. The pain still stings from time to time, but it's gone for the most part.

 

Few days ago, she found me on some social networking website that I didn't even know about, even less about having an account there. Anyhow, I get friend request from her straight to my inbox and she says "hey, how are you?". And that's all. No more, no less. In her profile I saw that she got married recently to a guy she's known a couple of months. Someone would have to be a total f*cking idiot to marry a woman he knows nothing about, without screening, without tests etc.

 

Anyway, I just deleted that and I don't plan on responding. I find it preposterous that someone dumps you, walks all over you and tells you "you are pathetic and I despise you", gets married to some idiot and then wants to be your friend. I'm thinking she's doing it because:

 

1. She can't stand the fact that I'm over her and totally disappeared from her life, she's a major attention seeker. just wants validation and wants to see if she still has power over me

 

2. Some of her needs are not being met by that supplicating chump, so she wants me back in her life to an extent that suits her

 

3. She wants guilt relief

 

4. She wants to tell me about her new husband and sex adventures, just like she did in the past

 

After what she did to me and destroyed my life, she thinks it's ok to just casually stop by and say hi. Haha, these little girls are so clueless about life. And she still probably doesn't think she did anything wrong.

 

Anyhow, I'm just ignoring that bullshix and I will never talk to her. There's nothing she could say to get me to be her friend. Perhaps if I get a letter some day, where she apologizes for all she did and expresses extreme regret and remorse, I might consider it. If she comes crawling on her knees, begging me to be her friend, I might consider it. I'm totally done with her and I don't expect to ever have any contact with her anyway. Being friends would be nice in NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES, but I got burned last 5 times I tried it, so that taught me not to trust anything she says.

 

I never got any real closure, so I will consider this to be it. It's not much, but it's at least something.

[paperchase]

wow, I hadn't heard your story before. she sounds like a very cruel woman...or girl as you put it. my ex told me how happy she is and how a burden was lifted and that stung but at least she reaffirmed that I was still her best lover...not that it mattered. it sounds like your ex liked to taunt you and there's a good chance that her message was intended to do so especially since you could discern her new marital status from it. she's probably not looking for guilt relief because she doesn't seem to suffer from a guilty conscience.

[Surfer Dude]

I think you're totally right. In fact, her profile has only 1 friend and she has a very specific info on her life that seems designed to get to me. I'm thinking she did it solely to taunt me again. Marital status, pictures of her husband and her etc.

 

I still don't understand why a cheater and a dumper would want to taunt a dumpee and not let him go. It's pretty sick and disgusting.

 

Oh well... hopefully someday I might have a shot at getting together with a woman who isn't a complete psycho.

[paperchase]

I think you're totally right. In fact, her profile has only 1 friend and she has a very specific info on her life that seems designed to get to me. I'm thinking she did it solely to taunt me again. Marital status, pictures of her husband and her etc.

 

I still don't understand why a cheater and a dumper would want to taunt a dumpee and not let him go. It's pretty sick and disgusting.

 

Oh well... hopefully someday I might have a shot at getting together with a woman who isn't a complete psycho.

 

I wouldn't worry about the why. I'm sure your ex has a reason and thinks she's justified. My ex wife dumped me when I was unemployed, threw me out the marital home, emptied all our financial holdings, witheld visitation of our kids, and did everything in her power to taunt me daily. Seriously, I can't give details since this is a public forum. Point is she just wanted to punish me and I'll never quite understand why. Actually, she wanted to destroy me as if that would validate her leaving me. I've kinda figured it out, but I never cheated on her or did anything to warrant the treatment. She dumped me yet remains bitter and unhappy today. Chances are your ex is unhappy too. How happy could she be if she has the time to worry about getting under your skin? Think about it.

[Surfer Dude]

I wouldn't worry about the why. I'm sure your ex has a reason and thinks she's justified. My ex wife dumped me when I was unemployed, threw me out the marital home, emptied all our financial holdings, witheld visitation of our kids, and did everything in her power to taunt me daily. Seriously, I can't give details since this is a public forum. Point is she just wanted to punish me and I'll never quite understand why. Actually, she wanted to destroy me as if that would validate her leaving me. I've kinda figured it out, but I never cheated on her or did anything to warrant the treatment. She dumped me yet remains bitter and unhappy today. Chances are your ex is unhappy too. How happy could she be if she has the time to worry about getting under your skin? Think about it.

 

What your ex did was despicable. It seems some women are able to go at great lengths to justify their leaving/dumping. The easiest way to do that is to destroy a man and then say "he's pathetic anyway".

 

I know my ex isn't happy. Anyone who is married and has the need to contact her ex can't be a happy person, in fact it's pretty pathetic. Also, she married the dude after knowing him only a couple of months or so. Pretty idiotic (maybe she did it for citizenship, I don't know). She's never been a happy person, in fact she was miserable 90% of the time, for no reason really.

 

So as soon as chemicals that are basis for love wear off, she'll leave him for someone new, just as she left everyone else.

[Toodle]

I have an ex who cheated on me, cried rape, ignored me for 3 months, destroyed my new relationship, weaseled her way back into my bed, then I caught her with the same guy again, weaseled her way back, moved with me to a new town, then I cheated on her for revenge (I was young, stupid and very very hurt).

 

Seven years on, she follows me on twitter with one update saying she loving sex with her new guy, then unfollows me. I'm not saying I was perfect, but man you'd think by now she'd at least have let go of the grudge and faced up to the possibility we were quits. I don't think she's even accepted that she cheated.

[Peter_pan]

hey matey how you doing

 

yeah you already know what to do here. and i think its amazing how things have turned around and she is trying to crawl back. hahahaha.

 

this is your closure man. this is amazing

 

even if she really apologized im sure you know that you wouldnt want to be a friend with someone that put you through so much pain

 

stay cool surfer dude

 

peace

[janjan]

1. She can't stand the fact that I'm over her and totally disappeared from her life, she's a major attention seeker. just wants validation and wants to see if she still has power over me

 

2. Some of her needs are not being met by that supplicating chump, so she wants me back in her life to an extent that suits her

 

3. She wants guilt relief

 

4. She wants to tell me about her new husband and sex adventures, just like she did in the past

 

I'm glad for you man, managing to move on despite faltering in your previous attempts. I like your numbered list, it was a great reminder that my NC is the right thing to do for myself, I'm not giving mine the pleasure of 1 and 3.

[Chrome Barracuda]

It's about power. and believe it or not a woman's ego. She gets of on causing you misery. She gets off on control. her life isnt perfect and probably drama-less without you in it. I'd say she's an evil woman who has no idea what it means to be normal and not crazy.

 

Stay NC with this woman she will only bring you pain.

[Surfer Dude]

hey matey how you doing

 

yeah you already know what to do here. and i think its amazing how things have turned around and she is trying to crawl back. hahahaha.

 

this is your closure man. this is amazing

 

even if she really apologized im sure you know that you wouldnt want to be a friend with someone that put you through so much pain

 

stay cool surfer dude

 

peace

 

Hi Pete, how are you man?

 

I wouldn't say she's trying to crawl back (at least not yet), but she's certainly probing and poking for any response she can get.

 

Even if she apologized, I'm not sure I'd believe her, because she lied in the past and proved to be untrustworthy. I just don't know if I can believe her or not. She is one of those women who manipulate and lie their way through life, and even though my heart tells me to talk to her, my logic is stronger than that and I am aware that nothing good would come out of it.

 

She had many chances with me, both for relationships and friendship and she spit on them and threw them in my face. I'm afraid it's over for her. Besides, she dumped me and then married another guy, why the hell would I want to be her friend?

 

I'm glad for you man, managing to move on despite faltering in your previous attempts. I like your numbered list, it was a great reminder that my NC is the right thing to do for myself, I'm not giving mine the pleasure of 1 and 3.

 

Giving them the pleasure is the worst thing of all. Our hearts tell us to open up and talk to them, but if past actions are any indication of future actions, we would set ourselves for further disappointments.

 

It's about power. and believe it or not a woman's ego. She gets of on causing you misery. She gets off on control. her life isnt perfect and probably drama-less without you in it. I'd say she's an evil woman who has no idea what it means to be normal and not crazy.

 

Stay NC with this woman she will only bring you pain.

 

You are right, I'm thinking that her manipulating ways will never change. I've seen her true face and I know her better than anyone, even better than her chump husband. This woman gets off on drama and emotional control over people. It's best to stay away.

 

I deleted that account where she found me... She knows my home address, my phone number and my email address, should she ever wish to issue an apology (although apology is a based on honor, and honor is a male concept), she knows where to find me.

 

Besides, she did promise to her husband to be with him "till death do us part", so there's absolutely nothing that I can get out of contact with her. I don't do friends with women unless they're colleagues or wifes of friends.

Plus, she's histrionic and extremely immature, otherwise she wouldn't marry a total stranger halfway around the world.

[Alex_M]

Good for you, sounds like a total b***h. It's so crazy how people can pretend to be one person when really they're hiding some total sadistical personality disorder.

[janjan]

Good for you, sounds like a total b***h. It's so crazy how people can pretend to be one person when really they're hiding some total sadistical personality disorder.

 

wow like you've been there too

 

well it hurts getting out of it, and for a while you hope their ways brings them destruction all over again, but with time they no longer matter, and you can look back on it as something that taught you a whole lot about people.

 

be positive and identify the signs you overlooked, and accept that you ignored/missed them because your heart wanted to feel something. when you look back on these things, you become wayyyyy better at finding the good girls.

[WiseOne1]

Surfer Dude, what if she did call and apolgize to you about everything? Would that effect the way you feel about her, or would you consider being friends?

[paperchase]

don't hold your breath for an apology and, if you get one, don't expect it to be sincere. guilt relief will likely be the motive and that assumes a person suffers from feeling of guilt. my ex doesn't. she's never apologized to me for anything. I think she said sorry 3 times in the 14 years I knew her. she's a narcissist and she experiences shame, but not guilt. she didn't feel guilty for making our minor daughter cry by not inviting daddy to her birthday party. no she didn't apologize. in fact she maintains that our daughter needs to know that mommy and daddy aren't cool and she says I dont' have to hang with you if I don't want to as if it was my ex's b-day and not our child's. my ex only felt shame when other family members and mutual friends found out and again when it was put in the public record as part of our divorce proceedings. people asked why I wasn't there and I answered them truthfully. not everyone has a conscience and the sooner you remember that the better off you'll be.

[janjan]

she's a narcissist and she experiences shame, but not guilt.

 

not everyone has a conscience and the sooner you remember that the better off you'll be.

 

wow guys, you should take notes on this. shame, not guilt... dead on! with people like this, don't fall for it if you think that they finally empathize with how bad they are making you feel and start to feel bad about it, their feeling bad is still internal, just their own shame. what i mean is, sure they might seem like they feel crappy about what's going on, but it's not cause of you really, it's still all about them in their own self-centered little world.

 

and its true about some people not having a conscience. i had considered doing something like asking my last love interest "after all we've been through, you do this?! do you even have a conscience?" .... but you know what, i didn't need to talk to her, asking myself that question answered it. i'm glad i went NC, because if i went ahead and asked that, whatever bull**** reason she came up with would have sent me crazy, and i'm better off not hearing it.

 

So hang in there with the NC, even if she seems to want to talk normal. pretty soon you're going to have a conversation about the two of you, you will ask something expecting a resolution or an apology, she will hit you some bull**** runaround, and you'll get frustrated and mad like hell all over again.

[Surfer Dude]

WiseOne, I'm not sure what I'd do. I'm 100% sure I'd never consider taking her back under any circumstances, but as for friendship... I hope she never apologizes so I don't have to deal with that. It would be for the best if she just left me alone and lived her life, it would benefit both her and me.

[gutted1]

It sounds to me like you have had the misfortune of being with a woman that sounds exactly the same sort of self centred, heartless, self obsessed bitch that ripped my heart out.

 

You have made great progress and you don't need this woman in your life one little bit, you can guarentee that her motives are purely selfish and you would be well advised to ignore any contact from her and keep getting on with your life.

 

You are the better person and should use her trying to contact you as complete closure and also let it reinstate your self confidence and selfworth, this bitch is the loser.

 

Onwards and upwards !!!

 

Peace

[Surfer Dude]

I'd like to believe her motives are not selfish, but that's kind of difficult, considering she proved to be a total manipulative bitch in the past.

 

There is a possibility that she changed, but it's extremely unlikely.

 

In the end, she kept pushing it, so I wrote a short reply to her mails, something along these lines:

 

Thanks for the request, but I'm not interested in social networking.

Anyway, I'm doing fine. How are you? Congrats on getting married.

Bye

 

I wanted to be polite but firm, but now I'm second guessing my decision to reply. I'm thinking she just wanted to be acknowledged. I'll let this take it's course and see what happens. I decided to go with Fox's advice in other thread, to politely reply and see what they want and react accordingly.

 

If she does reply however and asks me to be friends again, I'll let her know that I'm not interested in being friends with married women, especially those who broke my heart and destroyed my future.

 

Maybe I'm doing this because I want to gain upper hand in this "friendship" and then ditch her, I don't know. That's pretty low on my part, but it's not half as bad as what she does to people. I'm not a vengeful person, but... you guys wouldn't believe how inhumanely she treated me (search for my old threads if you're interested). These things are very difficult to deal with.

[Surfer Dude]

I'm going to change my phone number tomorrow and change all my email addresses. It's a big hassle, but I want to make sure she has no way to contact me anymore.

 

I realized that the only reason I didn't want to change them was because I hoped she'd contact me again some day, and that I'd be able to turn the tables and make her regret everything. Turns out that's not the case, she'll always be the winner at this game. Thinking like this is unhealthy and I shouldn't be making my decisions based on hurt pride and ego.

 

Just ignoring her without changing contact info isn't good enough, because she'd be able to barge into my life at her discretion and mess me up again. I need to let this go completely. It's best to stop playing games, there's nothing I gain from all this.

[paperchase]

I'm going to change my phone number tomorrow and change all my email addresses. It's a big hassle, but I want to make sure she has no way to contact me anymore.

 

I realized that the only reason I didn't want to change them was because I hoped she'd contact me again some day, and that I'd be able to turn the tables and make her regret everything. Turns out that's not the case, she'll always be the winner at this game. Thinking like this is unhealthy and I shouldn't be making my decisions based on hurt pride and ego.

 

Just ignoring her without changing contact info isn't good enough, because she'd be able to barge into my life at her discretion and mess me up again. I need to let this go completely. It's best to stop playing games, there's nothing I gain from all this.

 

Sounds like you know what you need to do. If you really get messed up when your ex tries to contact you then you have to take measures to prevent it. If you're pining for that phone call or text message then it might make sense to create a situation where it's impossible for you to receive it...that way you're not waiting on it. I've managed to accept that all contact from my ex is selfish and not for my benefit so I no longer read anything into it or hold out false hope. That helps me a lot. Bottom line is that she doesn't want to be with me so we have nothing to talk about. Nothing good can come of making contact with her.

 

I've thought about the friend thing and I know I can't be by ex's friend now. I'm really not sure we could ever be friends because my friends don't screw me over the way she did. Plus, I fail to see what she could really offer me in friendship. All the things we did were for people romantically involved and even those that weren't would just make me miss the intimacy I associate with them. Because she's much younger than me, I never relied too heavily on her advice or insight so without the romance I don't see the value in being her friend. I don't say that to be a jerk...just being honest. Maybe a friend with benefits, but she wouldn't do that anytime soon because it would break her resolve to move on.

 

When ex's want to be good friends I always wonder what each honestly things they will get out of a friendship. My relationships tend to be intense going in and going out and I just can't see where post-breakup friendship fits in the picture.

[Surfer Dude]

Sounds like you know what you need to do. If you really get messed up when your ex tries to contact you then you have to take measures to prevent it. If you're pining for that phone call or text message then it might make sense to create a situation where it's impossible for you to receive it...that way you're not waiting on it. I've managed to accept that all contact from my ex is selfish and not for my benefit so I no longer read anything into it or hold out false hope. That helps me a lot. Bottom line is that she doesn't want to be with me so we have nothing to talk about. Nothing good can come of making contact with her.

 

I've thought about the friend thing and I know I can't be by ex's friend now. I'm really not sure we could ever be friends because my friends don't screw me over the way she did. Plus, I fail to see what she could really offer me in friendship. All the things we did were for people romantically involved and even those that weren't would just make me miss the intimacy I associate with them. Because she's much younger than me, I never relied too heavily on her advice or insight so without the romance I don't see the value in being her friend. I don't say that to be a jerk...just being honest. Maybe a friend with benefits, but she wouldn't do that anytime soon because it would break her resolve to move on.

 

When ex's want to be good friends I always wonder what each honestly things they will get out of a friendship. My relationships tend to be intense going in and going out and I just can't see where post-breakup friendship fits in the picture.

 

I hear you. Being friends with exs is possible if the breakup was amicable and happened because of outside circumstances (distance, age difference etc...), but if it involved broken promises, cheating, taunting, lies and manipulation, it's no go.

 

I have two tools at my disposal, if everything else fails:

 

1. I could contact her husband, let him know what she's doing, what she did and tell him to make her stop contacting me. I'm sure he wouldn't be appreciative of his wife trying to talk to her ex fiance and she'd be in a lot of trouble.

 

2. I could threaten her to upload our sex vids to porn sites and send the links to all her friends and family. I would never do anything like that, but it seems this is the only language she speaks and the threats might scare her enough to leave me alone. Then again, considering how psycho she is, this might be adding oil to fire.

 

I'd hate to do any of these things, but if she tries to manipulate me again and find a way into my life, I'd be forced to.

 

For now, I'll just wait for her reply (I'm curious as what she has to say to me) and I'll change my contact info regardless of the outcome. Some women are just plain disgusting.

[Toodle]

I don't think either of those are good ideas as they can be turned round against you by a good manipulator... Just threaten her with a harassement order.

[Surfer Dude]

As expected, no reply. She just wanted me to acknowledge her and taunt me with her new marital status... unbelievable.

 

I haven't seen such a twisted and evil woman in my whole life.

 

Should've stuck to my initial decision and kept silent. Damn...

[paperchase]

My ex is notorious for this. She will call me a million times, finally get me to answer, have very little to say and end the conversation abruptly with me left holding the bag and wanting for more. They just want to be acknowledged. Some people can't take being ignored. I haven't been able to go NC very long but my short term goal is 10 days. My guess is my ex will leave me alone once she realizes I'm serious. I just hope I can deal with it when she actually stops reaching out to me because a part of me is happy to know she still cares....then I realize she doesn't really care she's just being manipulative.

[Surfer Dude]

My ex is notorious for this. She will call me a million times, finally get me to answer, have very little to say and end the conversation abruptly with me left holding the bag and wanting for more. They just want to be acknowledged. Some people can't take being ignored. I haven't been able to go NC very long but my short term goal is 10 days. My guess is my ex will leave me alone once she realizes I'm serious. I just hope I can deal with it when she actually stops reaching out to me because a part of me is happy to know she still cares....then I realize she doesn't really care she's just being manipulative.

 

They sound the same to me. I knew she was like that but I never knew it was this bad. That she actually has the need to put in time and effort to look me up, contact me and then disappear.

 

In my case, NC usually lasts about 2 months and then she breaks it.

 

I mean, what these women are doing is just sick and disgusting. They dump you (mine even cheated), lie and walk all over you... and then think they can just use you for validation, like you're an inanimate object for their personal amusement. I'm thinking she has really low self esteem, if she needs to do this behind her husband's back. Maybe even mental sickness.

 

Let this be a lesson to all who get their hopes up and think they can have a friendship when their ex contacts them. They don't have conscience and they do not feel regret, they do it for themselves, to validate their low self esteem and to inflate their ego with this "imaginary" power they hold over someone. Screw contact, block them and never look back.

 

I can promise this is the last time she got me to reply and validate her. I really feel used.