wanthimbackwithme Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Posted this originally on break-ups but hoping maybe some people here can help! Things all went wrong when I had a breakdown - completely shut him out of my life until he could take no more (7weeks). He started staying away for a few stays at a time I didn't ask him to come back, all i done was sent a text to ask if he was ok. Anyway 9 days ago he went and has not been back. I've spoken to him, last week he said its over he won't be treated like that. I tried to explain that I was so sorry and never meant to hurt him and that i love him and want him to come home he said no, he was never coming back. I have treated him so disrespectively and could only see what I had been doing to him once he went, it snapped me out of the big black cloud that was making me do this. But all too late. I spoke to him today and he said maybe he would see me later in the week, after speaking for a while he said he wouldn't see me because basically if he see's me we'll be back together and he doesn't want it, although he loves he doesn't know if he loves me enough. I know he's hurting and is angry and upset, I so want to make things right between us. I love him soooooo much and have not treated him the way I should have these last few weeks - I have been disgusting! My kids are missing him too, he said he misses them. We've been together nearly 2 years and just want him back. Male posters - I'd really like a male perspective please! He is a very stubborn man and turkish! Also forgot to add that although he's gone he's only taken a few essentials 1 lot of clothes then came yesterday when i was at work and took a few more t-shirts, but everything else is still here? Thanks for reading and your help is most appreciative. xx Link to post Share on other sites
stbx2007 Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 What did you do? It sounds like he is either very hurt or very through with the relationship. The way he said that he doesn't want to see you because he's afraid of getting back together is serious. He has thought this through. He has made up his mind to move on and he doesn't want anything to get in his way. If you have been having meltdowns regularly, if you do a lot of screaming and cussing he's probably fed up. I don't know what happened and you didn't say but guys get tired of that. You said you shut him out of your life for 7 weeks. What did you expect him to do? It also sounds like you may have done this before. Get yourself to a counselor quick. Find out why you do what you do. Leave him alone for now. It sounds like he's done. Concentrate on making yourself happy. The kids will be fine too. Pay attention to them and your needs. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 I have treated him so disrespectively and could only see what I had been doing to him once he went, it snapped me out of the big black cloud that was making me do this. Whatever you did , however you have treated him - it was something inside you , a part of you, that causes you to act in a way that is not acceptable. A big black cloud has not made you do anything. If you have been depressed - what have you done to find the cause and what have you done to make yourself helathy? Telling him : OK - Now i see how far you can be pushed and I'll stop - Is clearly not enough. Realizing you need to change is one thing...but you need to do more than just realize it. Possibly if he sees that you are getting therapy and working on being happy with yourself, he will consider giving you another chance in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanthimbackwithme Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 STBX2007 I shut him out! But i know that is a major thing in itself. No communication no interaction nothing. The councellor is in the process of being arranged - sooner the better, I know that. I've not been having regular meltdowns - this is the first - and so god help me the last! I understand what you're saying about leaving him alone - but I am really struggling with that. I'm scared that he'll think i no longer care/want him. 2sure Yes I understand exactly what you are saying. Something has made me be like that - and I never want to be llike that again. That was not the person he fell in love with nor the person who loves him. This is me now - and the other me is well gone - and with counselling shall never return! Update: UPDATE: Spoke to him today and asked to meet him on neutrel ground to which he got angry and shouted at me. He said why would I do that - I said we miss each other - He said i never told you i missed u to which i said you did yesterday and he hung up! What is going on??????????????????????????? Is it cos he is still hurting/angry etc Will he ever want me back? What can i DO??????????????????????? Link to post Share on other sites
Mary1977 Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Update: UPDATE: Spoke to him today and asked to meet him on neutrel ground to which he got angry and shouted at me. He said why would I do that - I said we miss each other - He said i never told you i missed u to which i said you did yesterday and he hung up! He sounds really angry, like something more is going on. If you push him, you will push him further away (been there done that). Let him have some breathing space to come to terms with whatever it was that happened to end your relationship. Really that does mean you shouldn't contact him at all. If after a couple of weeks you have heard nothing from him then I suggest you put pen to paper and write him a letter. Don't make it needy, don't make it desperate. I would even not make it about you and he getting back together. I would calmly explain about you becoming depressed and how that made you push him away. And then suggest at the end that it is up to him if he wants to ask any further questions or let you back into his life. Have you read I had a black dog by Matthew Johnstone? it might help you understand how you have been feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanthimbackwithme Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 Yeah he is angry - although he did say yesterday he wasn't anymore - I know him and I know he is. Spoke to him again and said look I'm really sorry for p8ssing you off earlier thats not my intentions and you know it. Went on to say that I wouldn't call for a few days as I think he needs time to think. He was ok with all that until I said I have started to write you an e-mail to which he flipped and said no I don't want it - if you send it I'll just block you. I said fine. I don't understand why he's not letting me explain whats happened - I just really don't understand - it's like he's scared of something - can't work it out at all. He won't sit down n talk n now I can't put it in writing?????? PLEASE HELP!!!! Anyway he just asked me to sort some stuff out for him (get it together) for him to collect. Heard from the counsellor this evening and we have our first session on Monday - thank god - didnt have to wait an age! Just need to get through the weekend without picking up the phone! Link to post Share on other sites
AmazingLove Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Good to hear you jumped on the ball of finding a counselor for you to speak with!! That will help you get through whatever it was that led you to have a break down and to initiate the original shutting him out too. If he's asking YOU to collect some of his things, I wouldn't imagine he's that mad at you. (Mmmm if I was mad at someone I probably wouldn't trust them or want them to go through any of my belongings. Plus I'd imagine he would've taken more stuff way earlier. But to each his own- not something that really needs read into) "I understand what you're saying about leaving him alone - but I am really struggling with that. I'm scared that he'll think i no longer care/want him." you've already told him you were sorry for your behavior, you miss & love him, and ask to sit down & speak somewhere neutral. So remind yourself you've done that already whenever you get this FEAR that he'll think you no longer care. (FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real) I know your hurting, just take one day at a time & be strong. I'm not sure what others will advise, but from your story thus far... I'd say give it some cool down time. (More contact at this point is going to push him away & is seeming to have him react rudely to you.) Whether or not you two reunite in a week month ever... your going to need to build up yourself either way. (use this cool down time exactly for that!!) Good job! Link to post Share on other sites
SummerSun Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 He knows you are sorry, you have to keep telling yourself that. You don't need to tell him over and over again. It sounds like he has his own issues to deal with and you really will be best off letting him have that space. He has told you he will block you if you contact him so please take him at his word and don't contact him. AmazingLove is right. Make sure you don't act through fear. He DOES know you care and he won't forget that - he is just trying to bury it at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodle Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 I think he doesn't want you to explain yourself because he doesn't want to risk being swayed at this stage. On one hand I realise the frustration, on the other it does mean he probably does still have feelings for you, but has decided this won't work as it is and wants to stick to his decision. I got the same thing from my ex - "please don't try to convince me, I don't want to go over things, don't want to discuss, because I know you could convince me to stay". So we never really went into depth on why we broke up, even though I knew why. Best thing to do is fix yourself on your own - if he sees that he might approach you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanthimbackwithme Posted March 12, 2009 Author Share Posted March 12, 2009 Thanks everyone - I know it all makes sense what you're saying. I'm just so sad and feel so bad for doing this to him and letting my kids get close to someone (who they do think off as their second Dad) it's all so hard - i love him so much but know its gonna have to be some time before we have contact again and its killing me too think I can't talk to him. I have to do this though because if i don't I can say good-bye forever and that is what I DO NOT WANT. If there are any updates - I'll let you know - but I doubt very much he'll be in contact. Roll on Monday get in to see the counsellor and start getting some answers (OK know won't have them Mon - but its the start!). Link to post Share on other sites
Narf Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Hey.. I have been in a similar situation but i was on your b/fs end of it... When i had finally decided it was over, it was not an easy decision to make, but when i looked at how i was treated and for how long i just couldnt understand why someone i loved would put me thru that... Also just cause they changed there mind what proof was there that it wouldnt happen again...his words were empty to me, my trust in him gone... The more he tried to justify his behaviour blaming anything and everything.. saying he was sorry and it would never happen again it was just he was stressed and upset with himself... It made me so so much more angry! Firstly he put me thru hell with his moods and actions and then he expects me to come running back just cause he says he is sorry?!? And he makes it my fault that i left! And blames me for hurting him now?! Sorry, does not erase the pain he put me thru... To me he ended it! I just had the guts to put actions behind his behaviour. A year and a 1/2 on i am over it for the most part, but i was relieved when he finally stopped trying to win me back I know everyone is different but by your exs reaction to you trying to make amends i think he needs space... Your attempts at making it right just make him more angry cause again you are putting yourself first and not what he wants first... He prob doesnt want to be angry with you so he tries to be nice but you keep pushing him over the line... Give him a break you must of hurt him so badly... Let him do what he wants for himself and stop pushing for what you want... Being with someone you would do anything for and watching them treat you so badly is soul destroying... Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanthimbackwithme Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 Narf - Thanks for that - I, yet again, understand what you are saying. Also it's good to hear from his POV. Your actions are exactly what he has done - I think! I've not blamed him at all - I have taken the full responsibility for my actions, the only thing he is guilty of is loving me. If your ex had done something to prove to you, things would be different would it have changed your mind? I suppose what I'm saying is what can I DO, phsically, for him to see it won't happen again? I am adamant in myself nothing ever like that will happen again, I won't let it. But how do I prove that? I saw him today when he came and picked some stuff up and he gave me a big cuddle - which felt soooo good! He didn't really say much about us - again! But I did say to him (and I know I should have kept my big mouth shut!) perhaps in time once I start counselling and you know that things will never be like that again, we can get back to which he said I dont think so!!! OUCH! But he is still hurting from what i done! Have I got blinkers on - thinking like that??????????????? I said I'm not going to call you over the weekend, and he said I dont mind you calling I just don't want you going over it all again. What does this mean? Obviously he does want me to call, so he still wants to hear from me? What - confused, again!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanthimbackwithme Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 Getting jittery, got at least 2 reasons 2 call but know i need to give him space!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is soooooo hard. I love him he loves me but I've destroyed that great thing we had! What a stupid bitch i am. I hope I haven't lost him 4ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanthimbackwithme Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 Well I didn't get a response from the text last night. I text today just to see if he was coming over to pick up his mini-bus and he answered 3hours later saying wasn't feeling too good would get it next weekend! I've been sitting and thinking, as you do in these situations! Yes I lost the plot and shut him out for which I am seeking help, straight away, admitted my fault, not his straight away. This is the first incident in the 2 years we have been together. Surely our first major 'situation' (for want of a better word) should not have him running for the hills - but surely if his love was true he would want to help me get things right? I'm sooooo confused, I so don't want to doubt his love for me, as i genuinely beleive its true - but I just don't understand? We have never really argued or anything, bickered yes - full on blow out no, except for these 7 weeks. Then was only 2 big rows, rest was silence really! Do you think mayb he just doesn't want to be with me - although he still telling me he loves and misses me??????????????? Please give me your thoughts on this. Am also lousy at NC couldnt even go a day! After him saying he doesn't mind me calling I'm scared he's thinking I don't want to be with him - all this so confusing! Link to post Share on other sites
nature Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I shut him out! But i know that is a major thing in itself. No communication no interaction nothing. The councellor is in the process of being arranged - sooner the better, I know that. What exactly does this mean? You mean that for 7 weeks you didn't speak to him or see him? WHY? There has to be a reason. WHY? Depression or not, what was the reasoning behind this? I've had this done to me before. For 2 weeks. And I freaked on him. I said, enough. And he did exactly what you are doing. Suddenly he snapped out of it. But I was so freaking angry at him for doing it to me in the first place. And figured, if all it took to snap him out of it was me saying I'd had enough, then he wasn't that depressed or whatever it was. Because someone seriously depressed doesn't just snap out of it. I think that is what your ex is thinking. He's thinking, sure, when I'm there for you, you treat me like ****, take me for granted and just expect that I'll still be there waiting for you when you decide to feel close to me again. But when I say "enough, I'm done" you suddenly want me back. I know exactly how he's feeling. I am still angry about it when I look back on it, and that was almost a year ago that he did that to me. I never did look back. i just thought, if someone can treat me like i don't exist, yet carry on just fine in every other aspect of their life, then they don't care that much about me. Because loving someone is caring about their feelings as it is as much about your own. He knew he was hurting me, but didn't stop the "pulling away, shutting me out" act until I decided i'd had enough. I sense this is how your ex is feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanthimbackwithme Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 Hi Nature It wasn't just him, it was every aspect of my life. Shut out all my family, even my children to a certain degree! Basically would only speak if I had too, and it would be miserable! We lived together so I was still seeing him everyday - without much verbal exchange. Sex was still happening, until the end of January. I think (presuming!) it's my last relationship (childrens father) that made me go into this mode - he is still a controlling freak now, I know that is no reason for doing what I done but think that is the underlying problem. Have counselling today so am hoping in the next few weeks everything will unravel itself. I know he's angry, I've hurt him a great deal. i know this, but surely if our love was what we both beleived it to be it worth sticking it out? As I say this is the first incident of its kind and the last! I love this man sooooo god damn much, even I can't beleive what I put him through, god alone knows how he really feels - he won't speak to me, so I've no idea, well he will, just nothing about us! Link to post Share on other sites
nature Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I'm so sorry you've been suffering. You sound very sorry for what you've done, and are sicking counselling, which is very admirable. Nothing like my ex. He just expected me to suck it up, and he was not as apologietic or willing to face the reasons why, as you are. Therefore, I said forget it. If someone is not willing to face themselves and look at their issues, then they cannot be in a healthy relationship. But you are willing too, and that makes me think your ex has deep issues if he is not willing to feel compassion for you. All I wanted from my ex was to communicate about it and face his demons. But he wouldn't. Therefore, I got frustrated and thought, never again. He will do this again, and doesn't care how it hurt me. but with you, you do care. I think your ex is cold not to feel compassion for you. That is not love. Love weathers things and love stands by when people are suffering, as you were and are. YOur ex has issues. You need to focus on you now. Perhaps subconsciously you shut him out and pushed him away becasue deep down you knew he was not loving you the way you deserve to be loved. The all of you. Not just the happy part of you. He sounds fairweather. And like a martyr and pouter. Ignore him for now. Reaching out to him is just giving him attention for beign a baby. Focus on you. He needs to stand by you. Not just you by him. Please ignore him right now. You need support. Not someone throwing your pain back in your face. Someone who loves you does not do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanthimbackwithme Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 Thank you Nature - you're very wise!!!! I am trying not to contact him but am stuggling so so much, because I miss him. As much as I done what I done he was still my best friend, even at the end - I suppose there was a part of me that thought he wouldn't go anywhere and would always be here for me. Thats what true love is right, through the rough and the smooth......maybe ur right maybe I've been kidding myself - I do hope not! Really feel like sending him a text saying along the lines about his love not being real and just walking away at the first hurdle but know its not the right thing to do, and just gonna make him angry again. Had my first counselling session today - went well i thought - through the tears anyway! But first of many n beleive it or not I already have an answer - which did shock me! She seems to think that because I lost my parents fairly young I may have been retracting for fear of him leaving and trying to protect myself - though it seems stupid as I drove him away but still! Sub-conscious is a weird thing I suppose. You need support. Not someone throwing your pain back in your face. Someone who loves you does not do that. Is this not what I was doing to him though when I shut him out - I should have been there for him then too, and I wasn't. You know Nature I just want to be with him feel his arms around me protecting me as they should be but no matter what he will not let me talk and explain or he won't tell me - I feel sooooooooooooo useless. I have so messed this up. Link to post Share on other sites
nature Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Yes, the way he is shutting you out now is what you did to him. But you also stopped yourself before it became too late, and are seeking counselling. You did not break up with him. He is breaking up with you. So it is very different. You shut him out due to depression. But you did not shut him out in wanting to break up. He is shutting you out in a permanent way. I honestly think you need to force yourself to be strong and give him some space. Let him have some time alone to miss you. Right now you are begging for him, so he doesn't have to miss you. he knows you are pining away for him. Stop this now. You are fighting to save the relationship. He is not. It takes two to want to make the relationship last. If he is not willing to accept your apologies and respect the fact you are seeking counselling for your depression, then there is nothing you can do at the moment. The best thing you can do is to do nothing. Let him come around if he wants to. I know it hurts, but chasing after him is not the right thing to do right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanthimbackwithme Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 I sent a text this morning as a letter came for him and he called me to say send it back. I said to him, look I'm getting the impression you don't want me to call he said no, I said well its getting to the point where I'm getting to scared to call as I don't want to piss you off and thats the impression I'm getting. Then I went onto say, I know I hurt you and I ****ed up I also hurt myself and we are both still hurting but I really think you need to think about the 20 months before this - they were great, yes we had the odd little to-do, nothing major, and I think we are worth more than 'thats it we're over'. I said I can't change history but I can damn well make sure the future is so much better. He said well if the relationship has run its course.... too which I replied thats just it - it hasn't - your hurt is not letting it move on the way it should. I ended the call with, look, you know that I love and you know what I think about you and you know where I am if you need me. Bye! Thats it from me - dare say gonna have loads of wobbles, but gonna have to keep myself really busy. Gonna go NC now for as long as I possibly can - so gonna kill me. Would still like anyone's opinion etc as it all helps. Nature - you are a star - thank you so much. xx Link to post Share on other sites
AmazingLove Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I've been wondering how you've been doing...with nc and all? I know the pain can feel so devouring in all aspects at times!! Helps to have someone to talk to or go for advice. I posted a few days back asking for advice, but apparently everybody on these boards is doing nc to me!! haha. I took my own advice though & now we are planning on meeting "to talk" I'm unsure what exactly to say or how to handle it. Trying to remember just be myself...Cause A. that is who he feel in love with and B Need to respect yourself (even amidst all the pain).. strange not seeing someone you love so much for over 5 weeks. Let me know how your holding up Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanthimbackwithme Posted March 19, 2009 Author Share Posted March 19, 2009 Hi Amazing Love - sorry no responded to your post - I too was desperate for someone to answer a post on the weekend, as I was struggling and I got NC too! LOL Good luck with the meet & talk, will keep everything crossed for you! Just make him realise exactly what he is missing (why is that so much more easier said then done?)!!!! When are you meeting up? As for me I am doing sooo crap! Not crying as much, thankfully but my heart is dragging on the floor! Majority of his stuff is still here, including clothes & aftershave. 2 of my friends are adamant he'll be back, my gut instinct is he will be back - just not yet! Does that make sense!!!! One of my friends husbands did say yesterday it sounds as though he is teaching you a lesson, which maybe he is - I don't know, part of me hopes thats not true as it's causing unnecessary upset - things are bad enough anyway but I suppose he has to deal with it too. He has said he is not coming back - so why leave all his clothes? Surely the clothes he would take straight away? He's got about 6 pairs of jeans dozen t-shirts and few pairs of shoes/trainers with him - i dont get it. Everyday I'm sitting on the sofa that came from his house watching the 42" flatscreen which he broke his neck to get and sleeping in the bed that he bought from is house (he no longer has a house BTW) I'm all so confused. I ask him if I shouldn't call and he says no - but when I do he's hardly pleased to hear from me?????? Kids are missing him so much as well - that is very hard to deal with - his attitude is there kids they'll forget about me within days! Erm, well no & now I know it's definately no. He was a huge part of their lives too, how can he just wipe them out too? NC stinks - hate everything about it - but if, sorry not if when!, he comes home it will be worth it! Sorry seemed to have gone off a bit here................lol Link to post Share on other sites
AmazingLove Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 We're suppose to meet up this weekend. I'm so down today, (thinking too much about what to say & stressed) I want to have the strength to be strong & happy either way. Million other things that I could/should be focused on, but sometimes heartbreak seems to overtake everything else. (granted I'm seeing my surgeon soon to set a date for an upcoming surgery... last time Mr X was with me through it all..so I guess it makes sense why I'm all about him even more so, but still the hurt sure kicks your butt!) Your instincts & your friends perspective all seem to be what my initial feelings/guesses would be as to what he is doing. It really bothers me as far as his position about your children though. When he does come back in the picture definitely discuss that. (I try to understand from the other person's perspective that they need to get themselves together too, but I hate when they know kids are involved.. or if something huge is going on..that they can still turn they're back and make it seem effortlessly too..without a 2nd thought. But he could just be saying that to "protect" himself. I mean same as if when you were doing silent treatment to him or shutting him out ( I don't know how far or long you went with that ) But I mean if you had told him to hit the road... just as quick the kids are out of his life if you decided & he'd have no control over that. & no problem about venting!!! I wish I could call someone right now and talk their ear off for a few minutes with my "nonsense".. (good to get it out of your mind and not keep it so heavy on your heart!) It's hard to focus at work or doing daily stuff sometimes.. (like your back to Day 1 ..ugh) How long have you two been together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanthimbackwithme Posted March 19, 2009 Author Share Posted March 19, 2009 Hey, don't think about it too much or else you're not going to be the person he wants to see, and you know in yourself thats the one he wants. I know it's hard but try and relax and just be the great person (OK so I dont know you - but your're helpng me so you're great!) that you are, please. You're right, heartbreak does takeover everything - even when I try to do kiddie things my mind ends up back at him, work the same, housework, shopping, you name it - it all turns round to him!!! Regarding the children, that is top of the agenda, I have wanted to say things whilst I was calling him but its not going to help at the moment, but we will discuss it in detail. TBH i don't think he has meant to hurt them, i think its more to do with the fact he doesn't understand. He doesn't have any of his own children. We had talked about having a baby of our own in the next couple of years. We were together just under 2 years and living together for a year. Do you have MSN to chat? Link to post Share on other sites
AmazingLove Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 your first paragraph made me literally lol And very true about people who don't have children of their own don't always understand a child's perspective as clearly as most parents do! Definitely email or msg me on msn [email protected] Talk to you then! Link to post Share on other sites
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