great husband but unhappy in marriage

[mom07]

My H is a wonderful husband and father but here lately I (W) have just been unhappy. We don't spend time together because he just started his own business so he is busy with that. Then by the time he gets home it's late so he plays with the kids(ages 2 & 6mths) for a little while before they have to go to bed. I was raised that once you say I Do that that was it. I'm also a stay at home mom. When it comes to the sex we only have it when he wants it which is like once every two weeks. I do dress up for him but that doesn't help either. I could have it everyday or more which I know is not common for a woman.LOL. Then when we do have sex I am not turned on by him at all. I fake it almost every time. What should I do? We are going into our 4th year of marriage. Is this feeling common?

[angie2443]

This is very common.

 

I would recommend a couple of things based on what you have said. Do you have a life outside of the marriage and home? Does your husband help at home enough so that you can have a life beyond bieng a mother and wife? It is very common when there are young children for the mother to become so consumed with the mother/wife role that she looses sight of her outside interest and needs. These things need to be taken care of also. The other thing I would say is that you both need to work on nurturing your marriage. Many people start taking their marriages for granted after a few years of bieng married or after the kids come along. I don't know if either of you is working hard on this or not. I think it might help if you wrote more details of your situation.

[JackJack]

I would suggest you set aside some time to talk with him about how you feel. I'm assuming he is not aware of how you feel.

 

How about schedule a date night? Is there someone that could watch your kids for awhile, so you can have some alone time?

 

It might be helpful as well if you had some kind of hobby for yourself..I have always heard that sometimes moms can lose themselves in who they are other than being a mom.

[Heroic]

Your online handle says it all......Mom07.

You think of your self primarily as a mom.

I'm sorry but moms aren't sexy.

You need to restablish your role as a sexy woman.

 

Now as to faking it....NEVER fake it. Your just asking for bad sex if you fake it.

 

You need some honest communication in your marriage fast.

[Mr. Lucky]

You need some honest communication in your marriage fast.

I agree as I don't see how suffering in silence is going to help you or your marriage. It sounds like you're both stressed - him with the new business and the hours and you with two small children. Unless you take on these challenges as a team, it just gets tougher.

 

There is something about the tone of your post that makes me wonder if you're not at least tempted by thoughts of someone else ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[soserious1]

My H is a wonderful husband and father but here lately I (W) have just been unhappy. We don't spend time together because he just started his own business so he is busy with that. Then by the time he gets home it's late so he plays with the kids(ages 2 & 6mths) for a little while before they have to go to bed. I was raised that once you say I Do that that was it. I'm also a stay at home mom. When it comes to the sex we only have it when he wants it which is like once every two weeks. I do dress up for him but that doesn't help either. I could have it everyday or more which I know is not common for a woman.LOL. Then when we do have sex I am not turned on by him at all. I fake it almost every time. What should I do? We are going into our 4th year of marriage. Is this feeling common?

 

 

Being that this forum is a text based medium, my post might come off as harsh but that is NOT my intention.

 

First off, you have a young family, you guys are in what used to be known as "The early years" or more accurately "The lean times when we were just starting out" during those years there's not much of anything that's fun or exciting from the POV of a single,childless person. Being the sole breadwinner your husband is most likely working his butt off to get established career wise, in today's economic melt down he's also probably pretty worried, will his business make it? can he generate enough income to keep his family afloat ?

 

These are the years of sacrifice, of budgeting,coupon clipping, going without and making do, the years where together as a couple you put the future interests of your family as a whole ahead of any personal needs and interests you each might have. You do this in the hopes that someday your family will be able to lead "The good life" there will be enough for a nice home,good schooling for the kids, nice vacations and good cars. The sacrifices to get there mean that you will each be pretty much focused on your chosen roles..he with building and growing his business, you with keeping the home,seeing to the kids and also by providing whatever supports you can to his business, many stay at home wives do the books, help out with serving as receptionist,taking business calls, handling ad work etc.

 

You have a 2yr old and a 6 month old, your happiness should lie in the fact that you are lucky enough to be at home with them, seeing first hand all their milestones, not having to stick them in a daycare while you go off to work every day.

 

All choices have a price.. you and your hubby decided to have 2 children 18 months apart, you decided that you would be at home and that he'd be the sole bread winner.. all of this translates into minimal money,time and energy for romance.

 

My suggestion to you is this, sit your husband down and ask him if he'd like you to become more involved in his business, could you keep the books or have his business calls forwarded to your home, could you help him by making sales calls or trying to generate leads? Would he prefer it if you went and looked for part time work evenings or on the weekends while he watches the kids? Ask him to go over the household budget with you, say that you want to ease his load by carefully cutting extra expenses.

 

 

Show your husband that you're on his side, become more involved in his daily struggle.. become true partners in this venture..I daresay the sex would most likely improve quite naturally.Also know that the years when children are very small are also the years that couples tend to report the lowest levels of marital satisfaction, much of what you are feeling is NORMAL... but it will pass if you hang in there, turn towards each other rather than away and remember what the ultimate goal is.. a better life, the good life for your entire household.

[mom07]

I think that some people have misunderstood me. I do support my husband and understand that he is working hard. I am also his book keeper and I do his drawings for him. I try to help out in any way that I can. I want my marriage to work and I don't have another man that I'm atleast interested in. So that is not the issue. I agree with one of the comments about that I am consumed with my kids and there is no one around that can really help.

 

Also my husband doesn't help out much because he doesn't understand them when it comes to calming the baby or knowing when they are hungry and are ready for a nap etc. The thing with not faking it, I don't want to hurt my husband by saying you don't please me. I have also tried giving suggestions and telling him what I like but it doesn't change the way I feel. Any other suggestions would be great. And no my husband doesn't know how I feel because I don't want to put anymore stress on him.

[Mr. Lucky]

And no my husband doesn't know how I feel because I don't want to put anymore stress on him.

Then how are things going to change? I don't think that this is something that you can just let slide - as you first post indicated, it affects things a great deal. You're going to have to talk to him about it and lead him by the hand, both literally and figuratively. If he's the type A personality you make him out to be, the biggest motivation for him will be the feeling of a job well done.

 

Unless you want to live the next 20 years this way ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[mom07]

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I get to the point where I feel like he is changing as in trying to spend more time with me and it's actually the complete opposite. Like today for example I got dressed up pretty nice, let him sleep in on a Sat. which normally I like for him to help me out with the kids since I am with them all week, cleaned the house, washed his work clothes, etc... and I even told him that I wanted sex do you think it happened NO!!

 

What is wrong with my H he hardly ever wants to have sex? He keeps saying everything is fine and that he finds me attractive also that he is happy in our marriage but he doesn't show it. The biggest romance in our marriage is the one kiss I get everyday which is like the kiss you give to your parents! I guess that is his biggest problem. There is no romance in our marriage.

 

I don't know what else to do. I've tired everything and I have told him that I am unhappy. I'm just starting to feel like he doesn't care. I feel so sad because I have kids with my H and I never wanted my kids to grow up in a divorce family. I don't want to be unhappy anymore. Men do you have any suggestions or ideas of what is going on? Is it common for a man not to have a sex drive at 30?

[carhill]

Men do you have any suggestions or ideas of what is going on? Is it common for a man not to have a sex drive at 30?

 

I kinda do but you're not going to like it.

 

His emotional energy is going somewhere else, IMO.

 

Do you think you and he could get the specifics out in front of a neutral third party? Better something like MC before something like D, yes?

[imagine]

Yes.

 

Especially when he has built up stress. Your marriage is most important and he does need to spend 15 hours quality time with you every week.

 

Do you have a pastor that can intercede if you don't get through to him?

[DragonSlayer]

Plenty of 30 year old men could lose their sex drive for a lot of reasons. Stress, work, fatigue is a big one. Depression could cause it too.

 

If you feel distance in the marriage then he does too. Many men do need emotional closeness to want to have sex.

 

How he views you at the time can play into how he feels sexually....it's all interrelated.

[mom07]

Already had MC (1st year of marriage was like HELL), pastor is my dad yes I am a PK. About the whole stress and fatigue my H has been like this for 3 yrs now. Today he was trying to be all sweet but the only time he gets that way is when he knows I am mad at him. Why can't he be sweet when everything is going good. I don't feel like I love him anymore. I care about him but that is it. I'm trying so hard to not feel this way but the more I try the more I get depressed because I don't see any changes.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Already had MC (1st year of marriage was like HELL), pastor is my dad yes I am a PK. About the whole stress and fatigue my H has been like this for 3 yrs now. Today he was trying to be all sweet but the only time he gets that way is when he knows I am mad at him. Why can't he be sweet when everything is going good. I don't feel like I love him anymore. I care about him but that is it. I'm trying so hard to not feel this way but the more I try the more I get depressed because I don't see any changes.

 

Well, talk to a lawyer and start filing for divorce. If that doesn't wake his a$$ up, then nothing will.

 

Bottom line though is that it sounds like he is overworked and overstressed. You realize that those things can kill a mans libido. The key for you though is getting more time with him.

 

Lower your financial requirements and this may solve many of your issues. If he isn't worrying about providing for his family 16hrs a day 7days a week, you may get some of that romance back.

[Athena]

This is an extract from the Marriagebuilders site. I suggest you go there and read whatever pertains to you. Since I myself haven't ever looked at the site when I saw it mentioned on these boards, until tonight, let me copy and paste something I think is relevant to your situation... there's plenty more from Dr. Harley.

 

<<"Can A Marriage Be Saved By One Spouse? (Part 1)

Letter #1

 

Dear Dr. Harley,

 

I have just read your book, His Needs Her Needs, but my husband is not interested in reading the book or going to counseling. His theory is that things will get better on their own. After 12 years they are not getting better ---- they are getting worse. I feel very alone in this marriage but will not give up on it just yet.

 

My question is can counseling and self help books help a marriage when only one of the partners are willing to try these resources?

 

N.R.

 

Dear N.R.,

 

I'll answer your question at the end of this letter. But first allow me to make a few observations about your situation. While your letter is short, the answer is long. Please bear with me as I try to be as concise as possible.

 

It is very likely that your husband is not suffering as much as you are. In fact, the marriage from his perspective may be downright enjoyable. That would explain why he seems to have the patience of Job.

 

You and your husband may be in disagreement over how to spend money, raise your children, what to do on weekends or any of a host of other issues. You may find that he tends to get his way on these issues and you have had to put up with it.

 

Or you may not be getting your emotional needs met. Perhaps he does not talk to you the way he did when you fell in love with him. He may have stopped being affectionate years ago, and yet wants you to submit to his sexual advances. He may not even be home very often, leaving you to care for your children alone.

 

Or you may be suffering from ridicule, demands, dishonesty or even abuse by your spouse. He may have become rude and insensitive, or he may have become a tyrant, someone who you have come to fear.

 

Whatever it is that is making you unhappy in your marriage, you are probably more unhappy about it than your husband is. That's the key to why he doesn't seem as interested as you in resolving your marital problems.

 

People in your position try, usually for years, to get their spouses' attention. Those that complain often feel guilty about complaining, and their spouses often remind them that they should be grateful for what they do, instead of being critical of what they don't do. So these people learn to say less and less as the problems becomes greater and greater. Some people never do complain because they don't want to be perceived as critical an unappreciative. But in the end, the marital conflicts take their toll -- they lose the feeling of love for their spouses.

 

When that happens, the person gives up. He or she comes to the conclusion that the spouse will not change and that they must get used to the idea of living without care or consideration. Some of these people remain married for the sake of their values or children, but they remain emotionally distant from their spouses to minimize their pain. Others leave their spouses for someone else who has offered to meet their needs. Still others simply leave, because they find it less painful to be alone and out of the marriage than alone in the marriage.

 

When a person comes to me asking, "can one spouse save a marriage," my answer is a qualified "yes." I see one spouse saving a marriage almost every week. The way it's done is that the one spouse teaches the other spouse how to negotiate fairly. It takes patience and understanding to get to the point where they learn enough about marital negotiation to resolve their conflicts. However, many of the people I counsel lack the patience. They have lost their love for their spouses, and have very little motivation to save the marriage.

 

N.R., you can still save your marriage, but you don't seem to have much motivation left. Before long you will have lost your love for your husband and convinced yourself that it's not worth saving. You will probably leave your husband for good.

 

But before your marriage gets to that point, there is something you can do. Your husband may not be willing to read books or see counselors, but he may be willing to learn from you how to resolve marital problems. If you can figure it out, he may let you teach him.

 

My Basic Concepts section on this web site will give you many of the tools you'll need to resolve your conflicts. He doesn't need to read them if you can explain them to him. In my last Q&A column I offered some guidelines to help negotiate an enthusiastic agreement. It doesn't hurt to repeat them again here:

 

1. Set ground rules to make negotiations pleasant and safe: a) try to be pleasant and cheerful through your discussion of the issue, b) put safety first--do not threaten to cause pain or suffering when you negotiate, even if your spouse makes threatening remarks or if the negotiations fail, c) if you reach an impasse, stop for a while and come back to the issue later.

2. Identify the problem from the perspectives of both you and your husband. Be able to state the other spouse's position before you go on to find a solution.

3. Brainstorm solutions with abandon. Spend some time thinking of all sorts of ways to handle the problem, and don't correct each other when you hear of a plan that you don't like. You'll have a chance to do that later.

4. Choose the solution that is appealing to both of you. And if your brainstorming has not given you an answer that you can enthusiastically agree upon, go back to brainstorming.">>>

[angie2443]

I read the above post and just don't know if it is possible. I'm not trying to be discouraging. I was the one who put in all the work in the beginning to save our marriage when we hit our crises point. However, my husband soon joined me and that is why we are still together. I think, often when one spouse is satisfied with things the way they are, they just don't want to bother to change anything. In these cases, I don't know if it is possible for the other spouse to keep sucking it up to keep the marriage. going. It sounds exhausting to me. I wish I had something better to say. Hopefully, I'm wrong and the OP can make the changes on her own.

[DragonSlayer]

The reason someone asked if you're attracted to someone else is because it sounds like you're done with the marriage. From your additional posts it further makes me believe that you are done.

 

Question. Do you really think your husband is a great husband? It sure doesn't sound like you think he is.

[imagine]

I would pay attention to Athena. Spend time in that site and talk to us!

[mom07]

Two days ago I told my H exactly how I felt and that I have been trying to save our marriage but I am at the point where I don't want to anymore. He understood why I felt this way and agreed that we need to spend more time together and try to save our marriage. He said that he feels that he can't make me happy and doesn't know if we are going to work out or not. I told him that I am willing to try because I don't want my kids being raised in a divorced family and neither does he.

 

But ever since I have talked to my H he has become really distant and I have even told him that. I don't know how we are going to make it. I'm also really scared that if we don't how am I going to make it on my own. I went from my parent's house to getting married -young- so I have never lived on my own.

 

I am also a stay at home mom so I have been out of work for a while. When I did work the money I made would not be enough now to support my kids and me. I was planning on going back to college this fall to get a degree but now I don't know if I will be able to if I get a D.

[angie2443]

His emotional energy is going somewhere else, IMO.

 

 

Mom07, after reading your last post, I started thinking this as well. Do you suspect anything?

 

Regardless, I think you should get your ducks lined up in a row, just in case you'll be needing to take care of yourself and the kids.

[Montclair0011]

mom007 - FWIW, here's my 2 cents. You don't know if you still love your husband, but so far there is no indication that either of you are involved with others, right? (actually from the posts there seems to be indications--but for the purpose of this discussion we have no evidence). If so, I think you should do what you can to try to save your marriage and if that does not work, than move on.

 

But, you need to do the kind of things that are proven to work. For one, you should go to MC again, and not to a pastor or your father, etc. Get a really good MC, with a PHD in psychodynamic training, etc. It won't be cheap, but divorce costs a lot more. You need an objective mediator to plumb the depths of the relationship. You will not be able to do this alone or with someone with limited training (most clergy are not trained enough for severe problems).

 

For another, I think you should stay and try going to school. That's a huge opportuntity for YOU and you don't want to miss out and get a divorce as a consolation prize. You might find that by working on yourself, your issues with your husband won't seem so dire. Also, hopefully you will be learning things that will help you get a better job and to be independent if you do divorce.

 

Try to put offf making a decision about divorce until after you finish school. That would be a much better point than now.

[mom07]

Thank you so much for your advice. I have thought about school and have decided that I am going back. Prayerfully your right and when I do go back to school the problems won't seem as big. As for my H I don't know if it is going to work out but I'm going to try and when I finish school if things still haven't changed then I will file for D. Atleast then I know I will be able to support my kids and me.

[imagine]

Marriage does not imply love is required by the wife - only respect. So far you are telling us you want to suck you husband of his finance so that you can divorce him later.

 

This is disrespect.

 

I don't think you know what you want - except to retire early. Children are prime importance. Meet your husbands need, then your kids. God gives us happiness as we learn to serve Him first.

 

Think about the crowds who looked for an easy out -and found nothing substantial.

[mom07]

Thanks for everyones advice. My H and I are doing a whole lot better. Though we still have a lot of things to work out. After being apart from each other for a couple of days we both realized how much we love each other. As for the Ace who thinks I am going to take my H's money and run you don't know what you are talking about. I do a lot of things for my H if I was after his money don't you think I would have him paying me to do these things? My H wouldn't be paying for my school Grants will you dumb Ace.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I'm happy to hear all is better. I was going to write a long post saying he better shape up and that it was unacceptable.

 

Hope all goes well.....