Am I there yet?

[HiYa'll]

Hi All,

 

I have been married to my wife for 13 year and I am trying to decide if its time to end the marriage. This is my second marriage. My wife's first. There is a 12 year age difference. I have two grown children. Here are some of the issues. If you need more information let me know. I would appreciate any thoughts or suggestions you may have. Thanks!

 

Love for my wife

I do love my wife but that love has become something different in the last year. I was always very passionate about my wife and about the relationship. But given how things have progressed in the last year (or not progressed) my feelings for my wife have become more like a good friendship. And while I value her friendship…for me that isn’t a basis for marriage. I won’t say that I feel like I have fallen out of love with her. I’m not talking about that famous “I love you but I’m not in love with you” nonsense. I have just gotten to the point that I realize my love for my wife isn’t balancing my frustration about our relationship. I feel like I am to the point that I can say, “I love you, and I want you to go have a really happy life. I don’t think that will happen for either of us as long as we are together.” And I feel like continuing this marriage with my wife is making me crankier and more unhappy all the time.

 

Waiting for things to change

 

I have been waiting for 13 years to have a “good relationship” with my wife. I have been waiting for my wife to change. For my wife to grow up. For my wife to show me some affection. Waiting for us to begin having even a little sex. I have been waiting for our financial situation to change so we can focus less on negative money issues. I have been waiting for the kids to grow up. Waiting for child support to stop. Waiting for our sex life to get better. I am always waiting for just one more change that will create the relationship I feel is fulfilling. Now I am realizing I am waiting for something that will actually never happen. I have come to realize that if I have been unhappy with a significant portion of our relationship for 13 years AND I am still unhappy today…this is likely to be how the next 13 years will also be. In 13 years I will be 60! I plan to get some enjoyment out of life between now and then.

 

Lack of Passion and Sex

This is such a major source of unhappiness and frustration that it’s almost too much to write about. It’s deep, it’s confusing and I don’t think its ever going to change. At this point in our relationship there is so little sex that we don’t even hit the bottom of anyone’s meter for measuring a “low-sex-marriage.” We are literally having sex about once every 4 or 5 months. Yes, folks…twice a year. And when we do have sex it isn’t even sex. It’s some version of me getting my wife off and then me getting me off. I can remember about 4 times in 13 years that we have had what I would call “good sex.” And like I said above…I have been waiting 13 years for this to improve. And I have asked my wife…many, many times…to try to work with me to make this better. There is always a new reason/excuse. And ultimately they are all BS. But let’s say that the excuses are valid or let’s even say that the lack of sex is all my fault…I am still frustrated and I need to be in a relationship that includes a healthy and passionate love life. I have never been in another relationship where the sex was this bad. In fact, fun sex has been an aspect of every relationship I’ve been in. Even in the last throes of my first marriage…the sex stayed pretty good. So based on the previous 13 years…there is absolutely nothing that would make me think this is going to get better. Bottom line for me is that my wife is only motivated to make excuses…she’s not motivated to make a change. Its just not important to her. I can’t change this by myself and I can’t change my wife. I have asked my wife many times to consider some focused therapy to see if we can improve this issue. No interest. Also…I should say that I am not in any way expecting daily sex on command. I would be absolutely thrilled with sex once a week.

 

The “Baby”

I already have two grown children from my first marriage. For the past couple of years my wife has been talking about us having a child together. For me personally…it’s not something I feel like I need to do at this stage in my life. That said…if this was a healthy relationship I would probably be more than happy to have a child with my wife. But it isn’t. Just the sex issue alone is a clear sign that something just isn’t right. Whether it’s my wife or me…or the both of us together. Something isn’t working and I would be really worried to add an innocent baby to the mix. I am frustrated a lot. Obviously I am having serious doubts about the survivability of this relationship. Additionally…my wife is no ball of fire when it comes to taking care of the house, picking up after herself etc. Seriously…having her around the house is like having a permanent house guest. I can’t imagine her being able to cope with the added responsibility of a baby.

 

Things are generally “OK”

 

One thing that makes this difficult is that, in general, things are pretty much OK. There isn’t an excessive amount of arguing. There is no boozing, drugging, physical violence. No verbal abuse of any kind. On the surface it's a very civil relationships. My wife’s friends have even asked her for advice since we “obviously have such a good marriage.” So I do have apprehension about throwing this away. That and the aforementioned issue about waiting for change has made it very difficult to walk away. I think there is also an issue of irrational escalation involved here. In this case it is me saying…”I have invested 13 years in this. I can’t quit now…success could be just around the corner!” When in fact…”success” is probably no closer than it was in 1995. And this frustration is daily and significant. It causes me to be distracted in many other aspects of my life including work.

 

Well, that’s the overview. This may give you enough to go on. It may also reveal some things about me and how I think about these issues that you will be able to see while I can’t. Let me know what you think.

[in a daze]

before you make any quick decisions, you have to go see an mc. to be honest with you, a lot of people would consider your marriage good. gl

[stbx2007]

No more babies now.

Get your wife on the same page sexually or one of you (surprisingly it could be her) is going to stray.

Get some good counseling. Make the appointment and tell her she has to come for your sake. If she won't, make arrangements to separate.

 

Looking like a civil couple is fine if thats all you want from your marriage.

You want intimacy. She is not willing to find out what she wants. She's too old for that. You are also wise to wonder how she'd cope with a baby in addition to a home and husband to care for. With a baby she'd be either overwhelmed or putting you further down the totem pole than you are now. She should've had the baby a long time ago with you. Its been 13 years.

 

You sound like you are yearning for a good intimate relationship with your wife. It may be that you need to separate while you sort things out.

Sometimes we have to move out to move on. In any event you aren't getting anywhere just wishing. I did that for 21 years and tried everything. I finally filed. Good luck.

[pelicanpreacher]

The two things that jump out at me is the age difference and her reluctance toward intimacy. I know what you saw in her that drove your ardor... youth and beauty, but what do you suppose she saw in you? Ego would suppose it was dashing good looks, irreverant charm, and a magnetic personality but her consistent avoidance of intimacy says something else...Sugar Daddy! I too wouldn't be surprised if she's done or is doing some creeping because you don't have children to contend with which leaves her ample time to manage and manuver an affair if she were so inclined. Most guys can't seem to get their mind around the fact that their wives are capable of doing this seeing how low their sex drive seems at home and, of course, ego banishes the thought that a loving spouse could possibly disrespect a husband's importance, love, and loyalty by seeking pleasure elsewhere when he is available, willing, and waiting to provide it on command!

 

You obviously trust your wife to the nth degree so I'd bode extreme cautiion at this moment regarding her musings on having a child. Biological clocks aside, what other motivating factors may be contributing to this subtly not so sudden change of mindset? Your gut instincts have been raising red flags regarding this relationship and it is good that you still listen to that inner voice so consider all the possibilites by reviewing any and all past signs dismissed and you'll probably be able to see your red banners waving from the Good Year Blimp!

 

It may come as a shock but even if you have always remained a stand-up guy by diligently providing all the creature comforts a marriage could need or want your wife's feeling towards you romantically can still dull to the point that she can't stand you, can't stand your touch, and only see you as a friend and roommate! She loves you but is no longer in love with you which typically means some other man has turned her head!

[HiYa'll]

Thanks for the advice so far! I appreciate you all taking the time to share your thoughts.

 

Here is some additional information:

 

1) My wife was the victim of childhood sexual abuse. She did some one-on-one therapy and says things are fine now. I don't think they are. I think the state of our sex life has a lot to do with this issue. But at this point I am not really interested in the pathology or the "why." I don't see her making any changes and that is really the bottom line for me. And from my side I have been very patient about the sex issue for many years. Always thinking that one day it will improve. Will it?

 

2) I don't disagree that my wife could be having an affair. Or could have had one. I would only find it surprising in that it would require her to actually expend some energy and she's really not into that.

 

3) I think it's a valid point about "WHY" are we together. What were we each looking for? Especially given the age difference. I'll give that some (more) thought. I will say that her friends have often commented they assumed we are the same age. So its not like its a huge age difference...but it is there nonetheless.

 

Thanks!

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

You are in your late 40's and she is in her mid 30's... by my accounts you should both be in your sexual prime. I think by far, the biggest issue here is the sex. If that were to somehow turn around, then, I think you would feel much more loved and appreciated than you do now, and things would improve greatly. I mentioned Dr. Laura Berman to someone else on the boards earlier today. It would be worth checking out for you too.

 

Having a child is out of the question at the moment. It would cause bigger issues and likely lead to a divorce in my opinion. The only positive thing I could see if the two of you were to split up now, is that there are no children...

 

As crazy as it sounds, I would show her this thread, and see what she has to say about it. I wouldn't expect here to immediately turn around saying, 'I had no idea, let me show you how much I do love you.' But at least it can be a starting point to show her exactly the things that are going through your mind. IE, be an open book to her, and allow her to do the same for you...

 

If you are to make this work, I think it will take more time and effort on both of your parts, with some additional help from a professional.

 

Good Luck...

[whichwayisup]

Print this out and give it to your wife to read. She needs to hear what's going on inside of you..Maybe if she knew how close you are to throwing in the towel, she'll put more effort in and change, compromise with you so you two can have the life you both desire.

[HiYa'll]

I will let her read this thread. Great suggestion. This is all very helpful

[HiYa'll]

...and I'll check out Dr. Berman. Thanks for that.