Weddings cost to much for the guests!

[LovieDove24]

I am at the age where several of my close friends and relatives are getting married. I have 5 weddings to go to this summer alone! My gripe is that not only do I have to buy wedding gifts for their shower but also for their actual wedding day. So 5 weddings actually equals 10 gifts.

 

Then on top of that I am standing up in one of the weddings where I'll be spending $250 for the dress, $100 for the jewelry, $50 for the shoes, $50 for her bachelorette party gift, and $100 more for the hotel room the night of her bachelorette party.

 

I don't know if you're counting up with me here but this equals a grand total of $950 for the summer! I am a single mother and this is just too much. The part I am LEAST happy about is having to buy BOTH a wedding shower gift and a wedding day gift. From my standpoint, I'm beginning to feel its a bit greedy that brides even get showers. Am I missing something here?

[Star Gazer]

Perhaps I've been short-changing my friends, but the gift I give at a wedding shower IS the wedding gift. There are not two gifts. That's how I've always understand the tradition.

[quankanne]

how about a gift for the shower, then dragging your camera along for the wedding/reception and shooting a ton of pictures so you can choose the best one to give in a simple frame? I've done that through the years, and everyone seems to enjoy that – I always see my work on display, even when I pop up unannounced.

 

I also have done that for baptisms and for a friend who was ordained a deacon a couple of years ago, and they also enjoyed it. Nice thing is, if you can get hold of or have a digital camera, you can shoot a billion photos, then only pay cost of printing the one you want and maybe for a disc to hold the extra images.

[Trialbyfire]

Loviedove, there's no shame in telling whomever asked you to be in their bridal party, that you can't afford this, so can't be part of the bridal party.

 

I will say that I have issues with couples who expect their bridal party to pay for their outfits. To expect everyone to buck up when these are preselected outfits that they'll never, ever use again, is kind of selfish, IMO. If the bridal couple can't afford it, gear the outfits down to a level where they themselves (the bridal couple) can afford to pay for it all.

 

Both the shower gift and the wedding gift don't have pricetags attached. It's your choice how much you want to spend for either or both. Bridal couples should have very inexpensive items on their registry. If not, why not get a group of friends who are going and all chip in to buy something really nice. This will help to defray some of the costs.

[Lauriebell82]

IMO, if you are in the wedding and are paying for the bridal shower than a gift for that instance would not be neccessary. I gave my friend $50 for her wedding when I was a bridesmaid and helped pay for the shower (around $30 for my share). A nice picture frame with several different pictures of the two of you is always a nice gift. Inexpensive and memborable. If she is a greedy bridezilla then why would you want to be involved in her wedding?

 

I know what you mean about the dress and shoes though, that racks up. I do agree that the bridesmaids should pay for their own, HOWEVER make it within reason (like $100-150 dress) not some $300 thing. Bargain shop for your bridesmaids and they will appreciate it. I actually think it's a good idea to buy your bridesmaids their jewelry to wear (inexpensive) because nobody will tell the difference between stirling silver and white gold. It's only for one day.

[2sure]

I attend many many functions and have had to keep up to speed with the do's and dont's. This is what I gather is expected in most parts of the US:

 

A bridal shower may or may not include guests that are also invited to the wedding. I would not attend a shower unless I was also going to the wedding - unless it was a work group kind of thing. A shower gift selected from a registry is fine and should cost between 25-100 , depending on your relationship to the bride.

 

A wedding gift - although tactfully none is to be requested or expected - should always be in the form of a card with a check or cash. The general agreement I've heard is 100 -500 depending on the venue (a picnic vs ultra formal) and your relationship to the couple ( work friend vs aunt) .

 

You can say this is too much, or that it is greedy - but as long as no gift is solicited, its all in good taste.

AND - learn to say no thank you. Its OK. I have been in a position where because of finances or time i could not attend a wedding. Send a modest shower gift if you wish to, and send regrets for the rest.

 

The only time I draw the line on this is seconds:

NO second wedding shower - you should have a toaster by now.

NO second baby shower - unless its like, 15 years later with new husband.

NO big formal shower at all if you have been living together for 2 years or more - You have already set up your household, unless you are homeless together I suppose.

[quankanne]

ah, you hit a never with that seconds list: One of the things I do is take into consideration how long the couple has set up house together and if they really *need* these things or are just being greedy with a wishlist. (Also one of the reasons why I came up with the photo gift.)

 

as for money, going rate for weddings/graduations is $30 because that's all my budget will allow. I think the nicest thank you note I got from a newly wed couple told how they were pooling up all the money they received to buy a washer and dryer – it made me feel good that I could help with their needs.

[2sure]

My most cherished wedding gift was a painting by a struggling artist. I love it, love that he painted it, dont know if its really any "good' but the fact that he gave it to me...i love it. Its in my dining room.

 

I also received a card with a poem hand written in it from another friend, (broke and recently a single mom) . Its the only card I saved.

 

Cash gifts are great, and traditional, but you know - when someone cannot afford a cash gift, or a big gift - those creative thoughtful gifts are HUGE.

 

I must admit, thankfully I can write a check because I'm just not creative .

[keechie]

I feel for you! Oh man, in a couple months I am going to a wedding for a friend who's getting 2 bridal showers AND a wedding shower, on top of the wedding. They've also only registered at two very high end stores. (Maybe it's a NYC thing though...) This is just for this wedding alone though. There are two more coming this summer.

 

Anyway, if I'm supposed to be going to 3 showers in total, (and probably a bachelorette party, but that hasn't been planned yet), sorry, they're not getting anything from me on the wedding day! Haha, I'm thinking of maybe getting a few of the smaller things on their registry and giving them in increments. One potholder here, a collander there, a toaster here...

 

The rest of us, (their friends) are all struggling because we are all either still in school or have just graduated and struggling to find a job. When we saw where they registered, it was kind of like, "WTF?" but we still love them though!

[2sure]

Inviting the same guests to more than one shower is rude and unacceptable. Most people take care to ensure this does not happen. Those that do not need to cross out "Shower" and write in "Fund Raiser" which by the way is what every guest is thinking whether they have felt obligated to attend or not.

 

I suppose, if family or work lines crossed somewhere it could happen with a few guests - who would then simply reply "attending" to one. Expecting that much from a single guest speaks volumes.

NYC is no different .

[Trialbyfire]

2sure, you're making the assumption that the bride has access to the guest lists for showers. Most often, showers tend to be surprises.

[2sure]

Whoever is throwing the shower has an obligation to acquire a guest list from somewhere if they are inviting more than one specific group. Certainly when you have received three shower invitations, the bride is aware of the date of all three showers , and has had some input on guest suggestions.

[laRubiaBonita]

well it's not like it's cheap to have a wedding...... even if you were a "non-traditional" frugal bride like i was.

 

plus one can always decline the invitation

[Lauriebell82]

Hmm, never heard of the shower being a surprise. Interesting.

[Trialbyfire]

Whoever is throwing the shower has an obligation to acquire a guest list from somewhere if they are inviting more than one specific group. Certainly when you have received three shower invitations, the bride is aware of the date of all three showers , and has had some input on guest suggestions.

No, that's not always the case. I've attended for friends/family and been thrown on different occasions, showers by different people. Someone always knows someone, whether it's the mother of the bride, close friend or relative. Also, if you're friends with work related people, that's another shower.

 

And yes, if you can't afford it, you can decline the invitation. If this person is a good enough friend, they should be relatively aware of your financial state, especially if you're a single mother.

[Trialbyfire]

Hmm, never heard of the shower being a surprise. Interesting.

Really? Most showers are surprises, unless it's different in the U.S.

[Star Gazer]

Hmm, never heard of the shower being a surprise. Interesting.

 

I've never heard of that either, but I did see it once on a reality television show. But the fact that it was a surprise was a big deal.

[Lauriebell82]

Yeah, I'm wondering how that works though, what if the bride has other people she wants to invite that the bridal party doesn't know?

[2sure]

A shower would be a nice surprise and suppose years ago it was.

But these days, in the US...a shower is expected (right or wrong). The bride has a job, obligations, the date needs to be arranged with her.

A work shower could be a surprise - but the shower with the families and other guests, need to be arranged. Especially if you want the bride to be there!

[Trialbyfire]

Okay, now I'm surprised!! Most showers I've attended and been given, have been surprises.

 

I was also surprised at the comment about giving cash for a wedding gift. Around here, no one gives cash unless it's a cultural thing, regardless if it's a first, second or beyond wedding. People actually find it tasteless when brides and grooms specify or expect cash gifts for weddings. It's also considered tasteless to give cash, in that it means you haven't done your homework about what the couple needs or wants.

 

I can't believe it's so different across the border, since we pretty much share most things. But hey, you learn something different everyday.

[Star Gazer]

In the most formal sense, bridal showers should only involve those who are invited to the wedding (other than work showers, or some other "side" secondary shower).

 

I suppose the MOH or whomever is throwing the shower could get the guest list from the groom, but there may be people she'd really want there that others wouldn't know about. I'd also never want to surprise the bride with an event that is supposed to be very special and dear to her heart. Unlike birthdays, hopefully she'll only have one shower. I'd want to get her input on theme, decorations, location, food, all of it... because after all, about her.

 

But I still only get one gift, regardless of the number of showers I attend. But I make it a good one.

 

Oh, I just realized... If I'm invited to the Bachelorette Party, I get another gift for that occasion. The wedding/shower gift is usually off the registry, and the BP gift is something naughty.

[Trialbyfire]

Gifts for a stagette or bachelorette party? Something else different. I've never seen or heard of that before.

 

Out of curiosity, do you guys still do the traditional pre-wedding dinner for the bride and groom, thrown by the groom's family, where gifts are given to each one of the wedding party by the bride and groom?

[2sure]

LOL. Yep, differences. I'm in the US - and not too far from the border either -

 

Shower gifts - off the registry. Wedding gifts - monetary, and on occasion an actual present, which should be sent to the bride or groom in advance of the reception. Sometimes a gift is brought but they are not opened at the venue.

 

Further - and this I found strange - my H's family gives only cash. No checks. Wads of it. If they cannot or deem not to be extremely generous , they do not attend. That could be an ethnic thing.

 

I did not marry in NYC - but many guests were from there. The guests from NYC gave me HUGE amounts of money (checks). I think it was because they were used to NYC prices. LOL.

[Star Gazer]

Gifts for a stagette or bachelorette party? Something else different. I've never seen or heard of that before.

 

Yeah, I'd never walk into a bachelorette party empty handed. It's usually something like lingerie.

 

But to a shower, I have. "It's in the mail....here's a picture of it."

 

Out of curiosity, do you guys still do the traditional pre-wedding dinner for the bride and groom, thrown by the groom's family, where gifts are given to each one of the wedding party by the bride and groom?

 

IME, there's always a rehearsal dinner. I personally wouldn't know who's paid for the ones I've been to though.

 

However, as a bridesmaid AND as a MOH, I've had mixed experiences even getting gifts from the bride. My BFF didn't give gifts to her wedding party. That really pissed me off, because it was a very expensive destination wedding, and I threw (and paid for) her entire shower.

[White Flower]

My most cherished wedding gift was a painting by a struggling artist. I love it, love that he painted it, dont know if its really any "good' but the fact that he gave it to me...i love it. Its in my dining room.

 

I also received a card with a poem hand written in it from another friend, (broke and recently a single mom) . Its the only card I saved.

 

Cash gifts are great, and traditional, but you know - when someone cannot afford a cash gift, or a big gift - those creative thoughtful gifts are HUGE.

 

I must admit, thankfully I can write a check because I'm just not creative .

I also painted a picture as a wedding gift for a couple who enjoyed it immensely.

 

Try to give something creative from yourself; a small photo album of pictures of the couple for the shower and a framed poem from a famous poet. It doesn't have to be outrageously expensive and you don't have to be traditional if you don't want to.

 

And yes, I believe there are two gifts for each event traditionally, one for the bridal shower (things for the bride to use on her honeymoon such as lingerie, perfume, essential oils, even 'toys', etc.) and a gift for the wedding day that the couple can use (such as dinnerware and appliances, a nice sliver picture frame, etc).