White Flower Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Yeah, I'd never walk into a bachelorette party empty handed. It's usually something like lingerie. But to a shower, I have. "It's in the mail....here's a picture of it." IME, there's always a rehearsal dinner. I personally wouldn't know who's paid for the ones I've been to though. However, as a bridesmaid AND as a MOH, I've had mixed experiences even getting gifts from the bride. My BFF didn't give gifts to her wedding party. That really pissed me off, because it was a very expensive destination wedding, and I threw (and paid for) her entire shower. I have also been the MOH and have given showers and there should be a 'thank you' gift from the bride. When I was a bride I bought 7 very expensive keychains for each bridesmaid that were really a fashion statement at the time and passed them out right before the wedding ceremony. They loved them and used them for years! (I wished I had bought one for myself!) However, I received no gift when I was MOH twice. Traditions are easy to keep unless money is an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Shower gifts - off the registry. Wedding gifts - monetary, and on occasion an actual present, which should be sent to the bride or groom in advance of the reception. Sometimes a gift is brought but they are not opened at the venue. Further - and this I found strange - my H's family gives only cash. No checks. Wads of it. If they cannot or deem not to be extremely generous , they do not attend. That could be an ethnic thing. It's an ethnic thing. My family does the exact same thing. Bridal shower off the registry, and wedding gift is money. And yes, they do keep track of who gives what and they do care and it's more of an obligation than a gift. And don't get me started on all the housewarming parties that begin soon after the wedding...you just got your 1000 count sheets and crystal at the bridal shower, and then you got a boatload of cash at the wedding, and now you want a cappucino machine? Get a job. I'm going to have to marry myself at some point, and register and have a wedding just to recoup my $$$$ spent over the years. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 I am at the age where several of my close friends and relatives are getting married. I have 5 weddings to go to this summer alone! My gripe is that not only do I have to buy wedding gifts for their shower but also for their actual wedding day. So 5 weddings actually equals 10 gifts. Then on top of that I am standing up in one of the weddings where I'll be spending $250 for the dress, $100 for the jewelry, $50 for the shoes, $50 for her bachelorette party gift, and $100 more for the hotel room the night of her bachelorette party. I don't know if you're counting up with me here but this equals a grand total of $950 for the summer! I am a single mother and this is just too much. The part I am LEAST happy about is having to buy BOTH a wedding shower gift and a wedding day gift. From my standpoint, I'm beginning to feel its a bit greedy that brides even get showers. Am I missing something here? I agree with you.. it's getting ridiculous.. showers are for 'beggars'... some people get married for the gifts and the money they'll receive. I've heard that more than once.. from the couples themselves.. pathetic. Marriages/showers should always be 'without gifts' only... unless you're a beggar and you want people to pay for part of the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 It's an ethnic thing. My family does the exact same thing. Bridal shower off the registry, and wedding gift is money. And yes, they do keep track of who gives what and they do care and it's more of an obligation than a gift. And don't get me started on all the housewarming parties that begin soon after the wedding...you just got your 1000 count sheets and crystal at the bridal shower, and then you got a boatload of cash at the wedding, and now you want a cappucino machine? Get a job. I'm going to have to marry myself at some point, and register and have a wedding just to recoup my $$$$ spent over the years. I have some friends from the East whose obligations are giant screen TVs, etc. If the gift isn't giant, they are shamed. It can really bankrupt you. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 It's an ethnic thing. My family does the exact same thing. Bridal shower off the registry, and wedding gift is money. And yes, they do keep track of who gives what and they do care and it's more of an obligation than a gift. LOL. Thank you Norajane. My MIL told me to write down what each person gave us, as far as the cash. Against my H's wishes, I wouldnt do it. Now, a few years after our wedding - having gone to SO many functions on his side - I wish I had. For the same reasons you mention. LOL. I think I would guess correctly if I assumed my H and yourself share the same heritage. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 I agree with you.. it's getting ridiculous.. showers are for 'beggars'... some people get married for the gifts and the money they'll receive. I've heard that more than once.. from the couples themselves.. pathetic. Marriages/showers should always be 'without gifts' only... unless you're a beggar and you want people to pay for part of the wedding. Well, I don't know about that. Do you have any clue how much weddings cost? Thousands. So when you think about it, they are the ones doing the begging by coming to a free dinner/party. Seriously a good wedding costs like $20,000. People's wedding gifts are nothing compared to the price the couple pays for them to be there. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Well if you can't afford to get married.. then don't.. If I decide to buy a car/oo on vacations.. I don't beg my family/friends for money.. I do it because I CAN afford it. I see most people who marry 'over their head' they can't afford it.. but still go for the 'over the top' and expect guests to pay for it.. come on... it is insane.. tacky and beggarish.. sorry but it is.. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Well, I don't know about that. Do you have any clue how much weddings cost? Thousands. So when you think about it, they are the ones doing the begging by coming to a free dinner/party. Seriously a good wedding costs like $20,000. People's wedding gifts are nothing compared to the price the couple pays for them to be there. It all depends on what you think is necessary for a "good" wedding. No way is it "required" to spend that much. It may have become customary to do so, but not required. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Well, I don't know about that. Do you have any clue how much weddings cost? Thousands. So when you think about it, they are the ones doing the begging by coming to a free dinner/party. A wedding costs anywhere from $25 to $300 per person, depending on the venue and extravagence of the event. Wedding gifts usually end up being in the same range, if not higher. It's a break-even type thing, when you think about it. As for beggars, you're wrong. I've known plenty of people who have wanted to invited more people to various, multiple showers than they were willing to invite to the wedding simply for the purpose of getting gifts. Seriously a good wedding costs like $20,000. People's wedding gifts are nothing compared to the price the couple pays for them to be there. And I'd estimate the value of the gifts for a $20,000 wedding is in the same range. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
MusicChick24 Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Why do you have to buy a gift for both the shower and the wedding day? Typically you give one gift per wedding. My boyfriend's brother got married this past summer and the guests either brought their gift to the shower or the wedding but didn't have to have one for both. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Sure, an elaborate wedding can start at 20,000. But its all relative. A lot of money is not so much to others. The point is that by having a wedding reception, you are hosting a party. No different than any other celebration you may host. No one should host and invite guests to, a party that they cannot afford. If you are concerned that some people will think the invitations entitle them to a free dinner.....what are your thoughts when you have guests for dinner on other occasions? Sure, you can expect gifts but cannot demand them. They are a bonus. I have actually heard brides say that the gift someone gives them should at least cover the cost of the dinner. You know what? Thats not entertaining, thats a paid event. I am generous, and do keep in mind the cost of a wedding when I give a gift...but when I feel it is expected...thats gross. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Well, I don't know about that. Do you have any clue how much weddings cost? Thousands. So when you think about it, they are the ones doing the begging by coming to a free dinner/party. Seriously a good wedding costs like $20,000. People's wedding gifts are nothing compared to the price the couple pays for them to be there. Not at all.. you know when people get an invite for a wedding.. they think 'ah sh*t.. not another stupid wedding' the truth is that they are sooo freaken boring.. and only an excuse to get gifts/money... people are not dumb. Come on now.. do you honestly think that..by inviting your old aunt and uncle that you see once in a blue moon.. that you really want them to be part of your 'happiness' and it has nothing to do with ONLY getting a gift... Weddings are tacky .. tacky... tacky.. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 I have actually heard brides say that the gift someone gives them should at least cover the cost of the dinner. You know what? Thats not entertaining, thats a paid event. I am generous, and do keep in mind the cost of a wedding when I give a gift...but when I feel it is expected...thats gross. actually it said that in Emily Pos tthat giving a cash gift should cover your plate cost at the wedding. I do think gifts are a nice extra because for me it was more about having the people there. And you don't get the money back in gifts not at all. Our wedding cost 15 grand and we got $4,500 which I thought was very very generous of everyone. Throwing a wedding and expecting to pay for via gifts is stupid. Also I gave my bridesmaids gifts at the reception(jewelry to wear at the wedding) and I also paid to have their hair and makeup done. We gave swiss army knives to the groomsmen. and for the wedding I have attended I gave one shower gift and cash at the wedding. I also made sure I had cheap stuff on my registry for people who didn't have a lot of money. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 A Google search shows that the average cost of a wedding is around $22K. This site says $28K, but includes the cost of an engagement ring and honeymoon. Less those expenses, it's still around $20K: http://www.tickledpinkbrides.com/brideblog/2007/11/average-cost-of.html The average number of guests is 167 or 157. (Same site and http://www.smartmoney.com/personal-finance/marriage-divorce/theyll-never-know-eight-hidden-ways-to-cut-wedding-costs-13918/, respectively.) That's $120-127 per person. Between shower gifts (typically around $50) and wedding gifts (typically around $100), that the couple receives, the couple actually MAKES MONEY on the wedding. This is why we go "aw sh*t" right after "good for them!" when receiving the invitiation. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 hotgurl...you summarized beautifully. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Agree with hotgurl. Where I am from, a gift is generally expected to be around what the cost of your food and drink is (roughly $100 or US$50) weddings cost alot more than just the food and drink- we definitely didn't get the cost of the wedding back in gifts. (Not that that was what it was about, far from it, but this is the topic.) In fact, at our wedding earlier this year it was very interesting to observe how some people obviously feel about wedding gifts- some people who came to ours didn't bring a gift at all (which I thought was a little rude- just a card would have been nice) and then I was in a dilemma whether or not to send them a thank you card, because technically I didn't have anything to thank them for. In the end, if they didn't give us a gift, I didn't send a thank you card. Some people were very very generous, and they weren't necessarily the ones who could afford it, and some were quite stingy IMO considering I knew how loaded they were and taking the "paying for your meal" rule into account. I know this sounds bad and ungrateful, but as I said, it was surprising thats all. And some people who we had bought quite expensive wedding presents for previously didn't give us anything either. I wouldn't expect a gift from a single friend who has paid alot to travel to the venue to be very expensive. We had a registry, but got loads of gifts that weren't on the registry, which was great, we got some we loved and that were real surprises, and we also asked for vouchers to local homewares stores, and we got alot of them too which was great, as we needed alot of stuff for our new house. We also got some cash. I paid for my bridesmaids outfits, shoes, and my present to them was the matching jewellery I had made for the day. i also paid for their hair and makeup- where I am from, you don't ask your BMs to pay for anything except for maybe their shoes. They in turn clubbed together and bought me a lingerie set, and each of them bought a present with their husbands for my H and I. As far as showers go, they aren't a big thing here, and I had a little one hosted by a friend of my mums, and the presents were all little girly kitchen things like a cake tin, tea towels, stuff like that. Some of our favourite wedding presents weren't necessarily the most expensive- one of our friends is a photographer and he made this awesome lightbox thing with one of his photos in it, another friend gave us a subscription to one of our favourite food magazines, another friend who is a music producer gave us a couple of CDs he had been working on, we also got a food hamper full of amazing goodies that we loved because they were all the kind of treats that you wouldn't really buy for yourself. So it doesn't have to be expensive- thoughtfulness goes a long way too. In fact, that is worth more than cost- if you buy (or make) something you know they will really love regardless of whether its on the register or costs a fortune you are onto a winner- its the cheap, last minute "token" presents that are a waste of time (and money) in the end, because they are the ones that end up in the back of the closet or at the garage sale! Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 one of my favorite things at my wedding was the guest book. Instead of a traditional guest book my MOD got a 8 1/2 x11 frame with an extra large matte and had everyone sign it and write advice./wellwishes than she put a picture of us from our wedding day in it. I love it so much! Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 Not at all.. you know when people get an invite for a wedding.. they think 'ah sh*t.. not another stupid wedding' the truth is that they are sooo freaken boring.. and only an excuse to get gifts/money... people are not dumb. Come on now.. do you honestly think that..by inviting your old aunt and uncle that you see once in a blue moon.. that you really want them to be part of your 'happiness' and it has nothing to do with ONLY getting a gift... Weddings are tacky .. tacky... tacky.. Ditto'd to the nth degree. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 one of my favorite things at my wedding was the guest book. Instead of a traditional guest book my MOD got a 8 1/2 x11 frame with an extra large matte and had everyone sign it and write advice./wellwishes than she put a picture of us from our wedding day in it. I love it so much! Oh, that's such a nice gift! Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 For my boyfriend's sister's wedding a couple of years ago, I took a ton of photos. Because I was right in front, and some photography muse was with me that day, I took AMAZING photos of the bride and groom. Even though their "official" photographer was a friend of the family, my pictures turned out better. Also, the official photographer took a long time getting the pictures back to the couple (she's not an actual photographer by trade or training), whereas I went to Walgreens the very next morning, got five sets of prints of all the pictures I took, and presented one set to the bride and groom, and one set to each of the parents (divorced). The day after the wedding. In ADDITION to this, I also spent money on both a shower present and a wedding present. I can bet the bride can't even remember the presents we gave her, but those photos get talked about all the time. Even two years later. Link to post Share on other sites
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