** Boyfriend ignoring me- do i maintain the NO CONTACT rule? i'm struggling to cope!!

[Charmaine_Champagne]

ok here's the story.. my boyfriend of nearly 6 years had suddenly been acting as if he didn't want to be with me and had started to ignore me- he was very sharp with me and distant. despite this i still continued to text and call him even tho i sensed something was wrong. the weird thing is he told me he hadn't received my texts or emails when i definitely sent them. he tried to make out as if it was ME ignoring him and whenever i would send him a message he wouldn't reply and would later send me a message saying something like ''why aren't you texting me?''.. i guess this was him playing some kind of mind game. though i don't know why. his behaviour was quite sudden, one week he was telling me he loved me and the next he seemed to want to cut me out of his life. although he didn't actually officially dump me it seemed like he was ignoring me to try and get rid of me. he stopped meeting up with me and when i would ask him what was wrong or ask him to be honest with me he just wouldn't reply. anyway, he ignored me for a total of 20 days which seemed like forever and was agony for me. In those 20 days i didn't get in contact with him either as he didn't reply to any texts i'd previously sent him or he pretended not to get them. my family also told me not to contact him as he was just messing me around.

 

friends advised me that him ignoring me was most likely his childish way of expressing that he felt our relationship had run its course and ignoring me was his way of breaking up with me but without having the courage to do it decently and tell me to my face. i accepted they were probably right and so i deleted his number, didn't contact him again and tried to accept it was over and tried to move on.. this was very hard as i didn't really get an answer for him and he never officially dumped me

 

but then the other day out of the blue after 20 days of hearing nothing i received a text message from him and all it said was ''how come i haven't heard from you?'' -this is rich considering he was the one who was ignoring me! do you think this is some kind of childish mind game he is playing, trying to put the blame onto me? and do you think i should ignore the message and maintain 'no contact' with him? (so far i have not replied to it)

 

i just don't understand if he was ignoring me in order to get rid of me, why would he text me at all? i know the text wasn't that friendly, he didn't ask how i am or say that he missed me or declare his undying love for me but i'm just wondering why you think he has texted me all of a sudden? is this his way of trying to worm his way back to me? or is he just 'testing the waters'??

 

i have found a bit of comfort thinking that he must be wondering what i'm doing and maybe even missing me. but my family and friends think that maybe he's been out having fun or having a fling and now the novelty has worn off he's trying to get me back. they think i should ignore him because he's been sly and cruel and treated me badly (he ignored me on valentines day) they also say that i don't know what he's been up to or who he's been seeing in the time he was ignoring me, they basically think he is a creep.

 

the trouble is i still miss him so much (6 years is a long time!) i keep thinking about him and wonder does he miss me at all? i do feel lonely, my friends invite me out whenever it suits them and often plan things without me and i'm still struggling to concentrate at university.

 

also, because i was with my ex so long and was so used to having him around and always texting me,etc it's almost like an addiction and its hard to get used to him not being here. i know deep down that he is no good for me and has treated me like crap and my family are right. my three main questions are: should i reply to his text, or should i ignore him and do what i was already doing- keeping busy and trying to move on?? and also why do you think he has suddenly got in touch with me, does he want me back? do you think if i keep maintaining a policy of 'no contact' that he will keep trying to get through to me? ideally i would want him to miss me and phone me, maybe then i would get some answers and i would atleast know that he cares.

 

(i realize this is a bit long and rambling but i hope someone will take the time to read this and help me, i really dunno what to do and i feel so alone.)

 

all advice no matter how harsh would be greatly appreciated!

[The Blue Pill]

I don't plan to read the entire post, FYI. Your thread title is asking whether or not to ignore your boyfriend, and the answer is obviously no. Ignoring your boyfriend will only make matters worse. Work your problems out or break up. If he is your ex-boyfriend, feel free to ignore him.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i kinda need someone to read the whole boring story so they can understand and tell me exactly what to do but to sum it up technically he is my ex.. we didn't officially break up but he was basically ignoring me, playing mind games, etc.. he ignored me for 20 days even valentines day so i took the hint.. we went 20 days no contact then suddenly he got in touch by sending me a short and sharp message.. do i answer him or maintain no contact and try to move on.. and how the hell do i move on after 6 years??? does he even miss me? i miss him so much but i know he's prob bad for me.. if i keep ignoring him will he contact me again.. ok no one had a crystal ball but people want what they can't have, right?

[The Blue Pill]

Yep I went and read your other thread. If you are dating and you don't hear from them in 20 days, it's over whether or not it was official. Now he is technically your EX so deal with it accordingly.

 

Good luck!

[Truly Lost]

I don't think you should reply to his meaningless text. Its been a while since you contacted him and he is just wondering why he hasn't heard from you.....that's it. If he was fearful of losing you he would have called or made a bigger effort to get in touch. Six years together is a long time, but its also long enough for someone to grow apart from you. My guess....he had planned on breaking up with you a long time ago and is now ready to move on. He may already be dating someone or at least trying to. He is a real coward for not having the guts to face you and tell you that its over. I know how much that hurts.

 

Please don't fool yourself in believing he is trying to get you back. If he contacts you, its probably only his attempt to make the guilt he has for completely abandoning you easier to deal with. I know how horribly brutal his behavior has been for you.

 

My suggestion is to continue to ignore him. If the urge to get closure is digging deep at you, then calling him is ok, but if and only if, that's all you intend to get. I will warn you that your call will be a painful one for you, whether he picks up or not. If you do call him, you are not likely going to reconcile because he wouldn't be doing what he is doing now if he wanted you back. The call will be painful either way. Thats the gamble you take. I say, DON'T CALL.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

thanks.. i know you're right.. he is probably trying to make himself feel better, his text was very short and simple.. not exactly declaring his undying love for me and he hasn't even called at all, even to see if my phone is off or on, i could have changed my number for all he knows.. i had this faint hope that he was sending a short text just to edge his way back into my life slowly without laying his cards on the table, but the text he did send wasn't evenly remotely friendly. i know i cant go back to him as he has treated me completely disrespectfully but i hope in time he will realize he's made a mistake and come running back to me, then i can reject him.. altho i have accepted it now. i guess i'm just over analyzing the text message- why would he text at all? tho i'm not going to call him cuz after the way he has behaved i think he would actually get some kind of pleasure in ignoring my call, i know he wouldn't answer.. and i'd be making a fool of myself.. he could be sitting with another girl when i call him. it's hard to understand how someone can just cut me out like that after so long.. does he not even miss me.. my guess is he was fooling around with someone else, not even dating, just for sex

[Charmaine_Champagne]

just thinking maybe his little meaningless text message after 20 days was actually because he wanted me to reply and end things.. he wanted me to officially dump him and thats why he got in touch, to take the guilt away from him?

[Truly Lost]

I know your mind is racing with all kinds of questions. Who is he with? Why did he leave? Does he still love me? Is he thinking about me? How could he do this to me?

 

This is the way he choose to handle the situation. I don't know if spite has anything to do with it, but thats something you may never get the answer to. I don't think you've heard the last of him yet. After all, six years is a long time. If you remain in no contact with him, he will probably try more avidly to contact you because the guilt will really start to set in deep. He will eventually want validation that he meant something to you. You not contacting him will inadvertantly send the message to him that you don't care anymore about him and that you are fine with him being gone. Now we all know that isn't true, but he doesn't know that (for sure). F**k him. Now keep in mind that even if he does contact you it doesn't mean he will want you back, but you were with him for a long time and I don't think he will forget that, at least I hope not.

 

I'm sure you already know this, but "no contact" isn't meant to be used as a strategy to win back your ex, but is meant to help you heal from having your heart broken. When my ex and I broke up it seemed to ease my heartbreak by convincing myself that he will eventually try to get back with me. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next month, but it will eventually happen. That thought might ease your pain temporarily, but when your ex doesn't contact you at all and a lot of time has passed, the hurt comes back full fledged. For me, its been over two months since we broke up. I saw him last week, but that was to pay me back money he owed. He had his brother with him when he met me at my house and it was nothing more than a business transaction. He had his brother there to avoid any possible way of talking about us getting back together or just talk in general. That hit hard and set me back several weeks. Shame on me for trying to avoid feeling the hurt of being broken up. Its unavoidable. I just hope all of us on this site will get over the hurt we are experiencing as quickly and painlessly as possible.

[Truly Lost]

I'm sure the text doesn't mean that. I wouldn't read too much into it because you won't get the answer to that question on here. None of us can tell you why he sent you that text. Only he can.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i think often we want to contact them because we feel we will get some kind of epiphany.. we'll get answers, we'll get closure, we'll hear what we want to hear but more often than not contacting them actually makes it worse because we still don't get any answers and you can hang up the phone feeling even worse than before. i guess u just never know what is going on in someone else's mind, but you can't be responsible for other people's actions, you can only be responsible for yourself. coming on here brings some comfort to me knowing there are so many other people in similar situations.. and even worse situations. in my situation i don't know the answer, only he does so i'm only torturing myself trying to work it out. no contact gets a bit easier as time goes on and you stop checking your phone every 5 minutes, you get used to not hearing from them because you have to.. then if you see or hear from them it can knock u 5 steps backwards, thats how i felt when i got his text, id been trying (badly) to move on and id accepted we were over and then suddenly i get a text from him and i don't know what to think or do.

[hollisterbaby]

there are alot of dif things that u can do.what i would do is if he is in driving distance i would make a surprise visit and put on the whole "baby i miss u" thing or u can play his mind games 2. 6 years is a very long time.ppl just dont get over 6 years,i think it is impossible.im sure he thinks about u.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i already did the surprise visit thing.. i must be crazy but i had to have an answer and i had so much anxiety it actually hurt.. this was before the 20 days of ignoring me started tho, this was the week before valentines he was acting really distant and i sensed something was wrong, he told me he had no credit on his phone and couldn't text me but yet he made no effort to contact me in any other way, anyway i sensed something was up so after calling him and gettin no answer i went over to his house.. turns out i got him out of bed (it was 2oclock in the afternoon tho) and he was no happy to see me, he was really shocked and abit pissed off.. tho a the time i thought maybe it was because i'd woken him up. also that week he had been unwell (nothing major just a heavy cough and cold) and he'd been taking medicine and it looked like he hadn't shaved for afew days so i figured there was no other woman.. i asked him what was wrong but didn't really get an answer and then he said he'd drive me home cuz he had to get ready for work (i must have been in his house for 5minutes, if that) i left without even getting an answer so all my worrying was pointless and i'm still no any wiser. tho if i'd known then that he was going to ignore me on valentines day and for 20days after i would have pushed harder for an answer at the time. i texted and asked him to plz be honst with me and just tell me was something wrong, i got no reply. apart from an email saying he hadn't heard from me and asking why (this is a lie, i'd contacted him so many times) either he is playing a really sick mind game to be cruel, or there is some1 else and he didn't have to courage to break up with me, tho after 6 years i find this disgusting. at the moment i am ignoring him, doing no contact.. and i dunno if i will ever hear from him again, it's the weirdest thing and i miss him, 6 years is a long time, i just don't get how he can do this

[nature]

Charmaine, I'm going to tell you what my immediate gut reaction was to your post....

 

the weird thing is he told me he hadn't received my texts or emails when i definitely sent them.

I think he is dating someone new who intercepted your texts and emails. I had a friend who had this happen to her with an ex. My friends ex had a new girlfriend who was insecure and wondering about whether he was still in contact with her. So his new girlfriend snuck around and got his texts as well as his emails. He figured he wasn't getting any msg's from his my friend, when really, his new girlfriend was getting them and deleting them before he even knew there were any.

 

he tried to make out as if it was ME ignoring him and whenever i would send him a message he wouldn't reply and would later send me a message saying something like ''why aren't you texting me?''..

He probably wasn't getting them.

 

i guess this was him playing some kind of mind game. though i don't know why. his behaviour was quite sudden, one week he was telling me he loved me and the next he seemed to want to cut me out of his life.

His sudden, abrupt change in behaviour also insinuates someone new in his life. I'm sorry if this hurts. But my gut tells me there is someone new. That is why he just suddenly cut you out of his life.

 

although he didn't actually officially dump me it seemed like he was ignoring me to try and get rid of me. he stopped meeting up with me and when i would ask him what was wrong or ask him to be honest with me he just wouldn't reply.

Again, this sounds like he has a new girl in his life. Not meeting up with you, ignoring your questions. Giving you no reply. This all equals guilt and the fact he most likely has someone new in his life.

[Island Girl]

Regardless of WHEN it happens - as in you've been dating him for 6 years -- he falls off the planet and treats you like completely worthless crap - you need to be DONE.

 

You are honestly wanting to figure out what he means from his text?!!

Does it MATTER?

 

NO.

 

What matters is that you invested 6 years into a relationship with someone who is a selfish A$$.

 

Why on Earth would you want to waste any more time on this guy?

 

He could have come over - he knows where you live.

He could have sent and e-mail at any given time (within a day or two) and let you know something was up.

He could have sent one of these texts.

He could have called.

 

He did NOTHING.

 

And you still want him back? You want to know why he suddenly thought you disposable?

The point is he DID. And he can't "take it back".

 

And you should have one thing to say to him:

*&*^&*& OFF!!

 

Now go about living your life and meet someone else who will treat you as valuable and cherish you as you deserve.

[Island Girl]

BTW once any guy goes 20 days with NC he shouldn't be considered your boyfriend anymore. (Unless he is in a coma.)

 

Even if he doesn't consider the two of you broken up - you should.

[gwynieatpain]

I agree with IG. No matter what he did, none of his actions showed that he wanted this relationship. I'm sorry if I go hard on you but that's what I see the case.

 

Some of the other posters have already pointed out that he wanted attentions/ validations from you. His actions was like a 7 year old who bullies the girl next door to seek her attention. Do you want to entertain him?

 

I know it's hard for you to end things and move on when you guys had been too comfortable with each other in past years. It's hard to see him as a complete stranger, but his action tells you that he is. I had been with my ex for 5 years I know how it feels. He managed the break up very poorly and it was one of the worst break up I had ever experienced/ heard of. Don't over analyse his action, we would never understand an idiot's mind. Look after yourself and only focus on yourself. I wish you for the best.

[sedgwick]

Wait, did this whole thing happen by text? Did you ever actually speak?

 

His behavior just strikes me as...completely bizarre. And torturous. I am so sorry you're going through something like this. Nobody deserves to be treated the way he's treating you.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

yes it all happened through texts, and it is bizarre that's why i'm finding it hard to move on because i don't have an answer and i keep playing it over and over in my head trying to work out what on earth is going on, what the reasons are. i tried calling him, he would either just not answer or be very abrupt. i called to his house in person (but i was quite cool with him as i didn't want to appear needy or desperate) he wouldn't give me an answer and said he had to drive me home asap as he needed to get ready for work!

 

so then it all went back to these strange texts.. and i would answer him saying 'what is going on be honest with me' and he would pretend not to be getting any texts from me when i def sent them.. so i emailed him, got no answer and then i went no contact because i felt he was just playing games with me and wanting to end it but childishly messing me around and not telling me straight, it's been nearly a month no contact now (except for 1 text i received from him after 20days of hearing nothing, it just said ''how come i haven't heard from you?'') -playing this weird game.. i haven't heard anything since then and it's been 29 days NC now..

 

bare in mind this was a 6 year relationship!! do u think the pretending not to get my texts is a game so that if he everwants to crawl back he can call me up and try to get back with me by putting the blame on me? i'm beginning to think he is crazy.. please can some ppl read my original post of the whole story, i need more advice on this, so any comments no matter how blunt would be great.. do u guys think i will hear from him ever again? i mean we dated for 6 years! how can he just ignore me and cut me out like that?! i guess there must be some1 else but even his own mother said he would never get a girl like me again, i just don't know why he would want rid of me, he always adored me, almost obsessively.. he is quite immature though and the way he is acting now is like a 12 year old (he's 24, i'm 23)

 

like i say he is immature for his age and isn't handling this in an adult manner (understatement).. i'm educated and he isn't although i never made an issue of our differences so i don't think that has anything to do with him wanting to end things.. i'm due to graduate from university this summer and some of my friends think he is being spiteful trying to ruin that for me out of jealously by messing me around because right now i can't concentrate on my uni work at all and i'm falling behind when before i was doing so well... my main question is do u think he will ever be in touch??? we were together so long how can he shut me out?! i sound pathetic & desperate but that's how i feel now. i need answers please help.. i didn't think it would have gone on this long, i thought he would have tried to contact me by now, maybe he feels the boat has sailed.

[You'reasian]

i kinda need someone to read the whole boring story so they can understand and tell me exactly what to do but to sum it up technically he is my ex.. we didn't officially break up but he was basically ignoring me, playing mind games, etc.. he ignored me for 20 days even valentines day so i took the hint.. we went 20 days no contact then suddenly he got in touch by sending me a short and sharp message.. do i answer him or maintain no contact and try to move on.. and how the hell do i move on after 6 years??? does he even miss me? i miss him so much but i know he's prob bad for me.. if i keep ignoring him will he contact me again.. ok no one had a crystal ball but people want what they can't have, right?

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but maybe you're more into him than he is into you.

[pinkmarble]

I'm sorry you're going through this. But you do have to keep moving on. Actually change your phone number if it will help. He texted you once after twenty days, then nothing for another nine days. If he wants you back, he's going to have to try a lot harder than one stupid text message.

 

Assume that he has found someone else. I know it's really hard for you, six years is a long time. But it's going to take you a long time to move on completely, so you should start now. You've lived more than a month without him, and you can do it for the rest of your life. I'm very sure that it's just as bad, if not worse, to be ignored than to be without him.

 

Please... do not give him the opportunity to get in touch with you again, it will only hurt you more. It doesn't matter what he wants - what matters is what you want. You don't sound pathetic and desperate, you sound confused and hurt. I sincerely hope things work out in the best way for you.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i know it looks that way and obviously i'm the one pouring my heart out on this site, but this was a 6 year relationship.. so he should have had the decency to tell me if that is how he felt.. and it's hard to explain because obv you guys are strangers and can only comment on what they decipher from the threads but this guy was obsessed with me, adored me actually, and to be honest i was probably the one who held back more with their feelings

[Charmaine_Champagne]

thank you pinkmarble, i know i have to keep moving on and clearly he isn't acting like he misses me or cares but i am very confused. i have days when i just feel anger or days when i'm with friends having fun and i feel fine, but there are times like today when i feel so lonely and i miss him, and even nights when i go out and come home and cry because he was always there and now nothing... how can he just vanish after 6 years, do you think he is over me, does he even think of me?.. if he did he would have called by now, god i'm pathetic

[Charmaine_Champagne]

maybe hearing nothing is better than just getting 'crumbs off the table' now and again when he feels like getting in touch, and part of me thinks hearing nothing from him is better because if i hear that he has someone new it will hurt, but atleast then i can move on, where i am right now i have no answer and i keep wondering. i miss him so much, but at the same time deep down i know i deserve better and he shouldn't have treated me this way. but pretending not to get my messages that really is pathetic, why would some1 do that? do u think he is moving on and will he just forget me after so long?

 

(i'm having a bad day, i'm rambling)

[Charmaine_Champagne]

why do u think he texted me at all after 20 days? (i didn't reply) is this is way of trying to come back?

[pinkmarble]

No, it isn't. You can tell because he hasn't contacted you since that rather lousy text. Try to think about something else, you'll feel better tomorrow.