will it ever work out?

[wabj68]

Ive been married 9 years.The last 4 years ive constantly put her down and ridiculed her.but for the last year ive been drinking which when I was drunk I would say very bad things to her and the kids would hear.I dont remember because I would be to drunk to remember what I had said.Of course I said things to her I would never had said if i hadnt been drinking.She left 3 times and went to her moms for the day but always came back.the last time she said if it happens again shes leaving.I told myself I would never let it happen again.Well one morning when I came home from work I finished a bottle of black velvet my wife had purchase and it happened again.I went to bed and when I woke up she was gone.she left a note to my 16 and 18 year old boys from my first marriage who she raised like her own telling them she loved them and hoped they could still maintain a good relationship.her sister said they dont talk the D word.they said she needs a few months to work things out in her head.I ask her if she thinks she will ever come back or if she was going to get a divorce but she dont say anything she just sighs and dont give me an answer.this woke me up and I completely quit drinking and will never drink a drop again as long as I live and if she comes back I will definately be the kind loving husband I should be.Ive even set up counselling which starts the 19th of march 09' the thing that scares me is thiers no time limit no idea if she plans on coming back or not and once a week she comes and picks up more of her clothes which makes me feel like the more she takes the less chance of her coming back what does everyone think.do you think she might come back or is it over?desperately need advice. a couple more details are she took our 9 year old daughter with her and I really do love her with my whole heart and am very ashamed for treating this way.I feel so stupid.why would I treat her like this?I never ment to but I still did.

[stbx2007]

You have to go along with whatever she does at this point. It sounds pretty final. She told you she was going to leave if it happened again and you did it again. In her mind you'll never change. I would've left too. Enough is enough. If you could give it up now why not before when she asked. If you quit now thats good but don't expect her to come back. Its not just the drinking. You were emotionally abusive to her AND you drank which made it worse. No one needs that. She stayed 9 years too long. Get into counseling and some support group plus AA. Find out what makes you abusive.

[Edna07]

I agree. You have to go along with whatever she decides and not push her.

 

I never understand this. Women warn the men several times and tell them what the consequences will be if they continue on a certain path.

 

Why is it that when they do it AGAIN and she follows through with her threat, they finally "get it"? It's maddening.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

This one's all on you. You did it, and if there is any chance of un-doing it, it will be on you also.

 

You have the power to correct the situation. But only if you choose to? AND THAT'S A HUGE IF!?

 

You need AA, individual counseling, and I would be willing to bet, some anger management counseling additionally. It takes a very strong man to admit that he needs to make these changes. It takes an even stronger man to actually take steps to seek the help to make these changes.

 

GOOD LUCK... you will need it.

[stuckinoz]

I know it sounds pretty harsh for all of us to say "It's All On You" ...but that's the reality.

My husband was the same way - I left him!! After a solid year of going back & forth I finally told him either this behavior stops now or there will be no more contact. Well, he realized that I meant business (most of us "cry wolfe" several times before walking away from a marriage - I did - for a year)

His drinking is now under control & he treats me much better. I haven't let my guard down yet.........and IF the behaviors re-appear....I am DONE!

 

You need to give her some time. She warned you! It wasn't like she woke up one day & said "I'm outta here" She did give you chances and you made the choices.

 

Sorry you are in this situation- - but for some - This is what it takes to shake them up! I hope for your sake it does work. Just remember - You need to change for YOU first........Then for your marriage. Show her you've changed. Don't just TELL her you are changing.

Good Luck to you!

[troubadour]

Ive been married 9 years.The last 4 years ive constantly put her down and ridiculed her.but for the last year ive been drinking which when I was drunk I would say very bad things to her and the kids would hear.I dont remember because I would be to drunk to remember what I had said.Of course I said things to her I would never had said if i hadnt been drinking.She left 3 times and went to her moms for the day but always came back.the last time she said if it happens again shes leaving.I told myself I would never let it happen again.Well one morning when I came home from work I finished a bottle of black velvet my wife had purchase and it happened again.I went to bed and when I woke up she was gone.she left a note to my 16 and 18 year old boys from my first marriage who she raised like her own telling them she loved them and hoped they could still maintain a good relationship.her sister said they dont talk the D word.they said she needs a few months to work things out in her head.I ask her if she thinks she will ever come back or if she was going to get a divorce but she dont say anything she just sighs and dont give me an answer.this woke me up and I completely quit drinking and will never drink a drop again as long as I live and if she comes back I will definately be the kind loving husband I should be.Ive even set up counselling which starts the 19th of march 09' the thing that scares me is thiers no time limit no idea if she plans on coming back or not and once a week she comes and picks up more of her clothes which makes me feel like the more she takes the less chance of her coming back what does everyone think.do you think she might come back or is it over?desperately need advice. a couple more details are she took our 9 year old daughter with her and I really do love her with my whole heart and am very ashamed for treating this way.I feel so stupid.why would I treat her like this?I never ment to but I still did.

 

 

She would have to be stupid to want to return to you. She deserves a chance to have a normal life after all these years of abuse from you. Just live her alone... you have nothing to offer to her.

[LovieDove24]

I really do love her with my whole heart and am very ashamed for treating this way.I feel so stupid.why would I treat her like this?I never ment to but I still did.

 

You are an alcoholic. Alcoholics always want to quit but feel powerless over doing so. They do not want to hurt their loved ones, they do not want to say things they'll regret, they do not want to embarass themselves or their family anymore, but they still continue to do so. Why? Because it is an addiction to which you are powerless over.

 

I grew up with two alcoholic parents and while I believed they loved me growing up, they still always chose the bottle over me. Why? Because they were addicted. I have been through therapy and through a wonderful program called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). I'd be highly willing to bet that what you are experiencing is a family disease that manifested in you. Were either of your parents alcoholics? What about grandparents, aunts or uncles? For other peoples advice on here is well meaning, I am full of experience on this nasty family disease...please PM me if you have any questions. Because alcholism is the real demon you are up against here, not divorce.