Am I being selfish?

[~baby-face~]

I've been friends with this guy for over a year. Just to tease him, I started bugging him about this other friend of mine. Most of the time he'd get mad at me, but then he started playing along. For no apparent reason, I started to feel just a little jealous (when he played along, by asking me when I was setting them up.) Slowly i realized I had started getting feelings for him. I was quite shocked 'cuz I hadn't intended it to be that way.

 

Though I'm in my early twenties (way past the teen years when you're crushing on someone and feeling all giddy). I felt like I was back in that age. I'd get butteflies in my tummy whenever I talked to him, sweaty palms, etc. (Silly i know.)

 

So one day we were both online and he said he wanted to talk to me about something important. He hit me with the news that he really had started feeling for my friend (whom he had become friends with by then, as well.) My heart broke into millions of pieces (or so I felt). He asked me for advice on how he should go about it, or if he should quit it altogether. It was awfully hard for me, but as a friend, I tried to give him the best advice I could. I told him he shouldn't give up without even trying. We stayed up all night. And most of those hours I spent with him (online) I was crying my eyes out. I could tell he was really happy telling me about his feelings and asked me if I could help find out if she felt anything of the sort. He kept saying he loves me for it. :-\ (Ironic, eh?)

 

Anyways, so I tried to talk to this friend of mine to see how she felt about him. At first she was truly disgusted at the thought. She said he's too short for her ..and just not her type.

 

The guy asked me a few times if I talked to her and I didn't have the courage to say 'yes'. I felt really awkward telling him how she felt, when in my heart I knew I had feelings for him. I sort of felt guilty, although it wasn't my fault how she felt for him.

 

I knew they spent hours on the phone with each other, and she truly enjoyed his company. I told her how he felt for her, and she was quite flattered. She said she sort of knew he had feelings for her. She said she wouldn't even think about such a thing, but at the same time she sounded like she wasn't too sure. Since then it's been on and off for them. She won't give him a direct answer and say no (as she says she doesn't have feelings for him)...yet they've become quite close. I feel like i'm the third person in between them...and I truly miss him. :-( I've quietly pulled myself out the situation, asking them to leave me out of it. They should deal with it themselves.

 

Am i being selfish? I've had all these bad experiences with guys in the last few years that I've pretty much given up now. Nothing seems to work out. Along with pitying myself, I've started feeling like I'm being selfish. Am I right? :-(

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think what you are feeling is perfectly natural, and it may not even be for the romantic reasons you think.

 

If your friend were a female, and you had introduced "her" to the same gal pal, and they began hanging out together and leaving you behind...wouldn't you feel the same way?

 

And maybe if the situation were reversed, and your friend knew that he had more affection towards you, perhaps she would suddenly become more interested in him romantically as well. It may just be a simple case of female rivalry, whether subconsciously or not.

 

I think what you've done for both of your friends is noble. Nothing selfish about that at all. Just do as you've been doing. Step back from the situation for a while and see what happens between them. It may also give you some time to sort out your own feelings as well.

[~baby-face~]

Thanks a lot Enigma.

I just feel bad for my guy friend sometimes. He's become quite close to her. Yet she turns around and tells me how she doesn't like him at all, or makes negative comments towards him.

You're right, I shouldn't get involved. Thanks

[EnigmaXOXO]

It isn't so much "not getting involved," but rather not interfering with the budding romance until you see how it evolves. It could fizzle out just as soon as he realizes she really isn't interested in him romantically.

 

You know...I've had a friend or two that didn't get along well together. But if they had unkind things to say about each other, I insisted that they keep it to themselves. Who wants to play mediator between two people you like so well?

 

But the one thing that has always bothered me the most is when people pretend to be someone's friend, but say terrible things about them when they're not around to defend themselves. After all, if you don't have the courage to say whatever it is to someone's face, then it shouldn't be said behind their backs.

 

Perhaps the next time your friend says something unkind, it might be a perfect opportunity to tell her that you are very fond of this guy, and although you consider both of them friends, you would prefer that she keep her negative comments to herself...or at least be adult enough to tell him to his face.

 

It simply isn't fair to you to be placed in the middle, particularly when there are so many feelings involved.

[lipglossboost]

I don't think you're selfish. It sounds to me like you have been a very good friend to both of them. You cannot help your feelings for him, but you took the high road and gave them the best advice you could, at the expense of your own feelings. What more could a friend ask for?

 

Wishing you the best ~

 

Lexi

[Q-Tip]

I think you are confusing yourself, because of the way you are looking at this situation. You having feelings for him, and Him having feelings for ther other girl, are best viewed as two independant situations , for clarity.

 

Deal with both seperately.

 

As for him asking you advice on what to do with the girl he likes, try not to get involved as much as possible, just like most other people here had said.

 

But do not neglect your feelings for him. Who knows, may be you and him could have a better relasionship than him and the other girl. It sure sounds that way to me.

 

So first make him aware some how,of the way youfeel for him. Then he will realise why youcant really be there for him, when he wants to talk about the other girl.

 

Then see how reacts and write back, and we will take it from there

 

good luck