misswells Posted October 8, 2003 Share Posted October 8, 2003 I need some advice... I am 35 years old and newly married. My marraige is going down the toilet because I thnk my husband is not in love with me any more. Before we got married I gained 30 pounds and I haven't lost it yet I feel like I cannot trust him fully b/c I have found him looking on the net at porn. He has done this awhile, even before we were married. I tried not to let it bother me but it still does. I feel inadiquate and old. He denies that he looks at it but I find it in history often. There are also signs of him masterbating to it by the computer area. He hasn't taken me out to a nice dinner or date in awhile. We only have sex maybe 4 times a month if we are lucky. Unfornutately, my work schedule is different from his, but to be honest, I think he prefers it that way so he can sneak around. There is a bit of a "thrill" element I think he enjoys. I find myself angry at him and feeling bitter and sad at the same time. I have not self esteem left and I feel this isn't the marraige I wanted. I feel I am constantly nagging him b/c I feel deep inside frustrated. He gets angry at me b/c he knows I check up on him and I hate the fact that I have resorted to to doing it in the first place. I never had trust issues with other relationships in the past. I feel myself sinking into a deep depression. I cannot talk to him about it b/c he gets upset and threatens to leave b/c I don't trust him, but yet he cannot be honest with me about his porn. He has a hard time even admitting to smoking ciggs, which doesn't even bother me. I am really concerned for my marriage. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
VASH THE STAMPEDE Posted October 9, 2003 Share Posted October 9, 2003 Is my strong suggestion, that you seek marriage counseling,if that don't work you should really move on . To me it sound that his porn is getting in the way of your relationship,and his lies are hurting your self esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
mixedup1 Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 Tough Call to make, however, running away from a problem or problems is no way to solve it/them. Communication is a very good thing to work on to help yourself understand him better. I would not think your marriage is falling apart just because of him looking at porn. What is the real reason he is looking at porn? There must be something not getting met need wise for him that is met when he looks at porn I would imagine. My wife...errrr my wife having an affair right now, gad zooks, so strange to have to catch yourself when thinking about stuff now ......damn...but we would watch a porn movie or whatever every so often...I think its great if you can do things like that together and have fun with no regrets as to what you just viewed. I dunno, all I would say is ask him what you could do to make him not look at it so much, or not at all. I would say look at your whole marriage and assess it, look for holes or problems that stem from sure existing conditions and a lot of things that happened in the past Not sure but just a hunch....counseling of some form might even work. whatever you decide good luck Link to post Share on other sites
CompliKated Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 I could have posted that same note when I was 25 (I am 36). When my husband and I met, we were young, I was 17 and thin, he was 20. I knew he'd looked at skin magazines before we were together, that didn't bother me too much, but at various times before and after we married, I'd find porn videos he'd borrowed from his brother (!!!). He'd even watch scrambled porn on satellite - we didn't get Internet til about 98. When I was 25 and pregnant, we had more instances of this. I became very mistrustful - would wake up at night and spy on him when he was up late watching TV, I found videos hidden in the stereo speakers.... it was awful. I'd destroy the videos, confront him, he'd deny any knowledge of them (oh geez!) He might as well have had an affair - I felt that betrayed. I do not like porn - but I even tried to watch "with" him to make it work but that didn't solve it. Eventually he realized that I wasn't going to give up on that, so he stopped bringing it into the house. About 6 years ago, we went to counselling for 18 months, for a bunch of problems, and unbenounced to me, during this he was having an online affair with a young woman. I didn't learn about this til mid 1998 - after counselling was "finished" -- here I was working on fixing my flaws, and he was looking a counsellor in the eye each week and then getting online with his honey at the same time. Once that hit the fan and I found out, it was D-Day for our marriage - he realized that he was about to lose everything. We worked it out - I did learn to trust again. I probably trust him now more than I ever did -- but our marriage is riddled with problems, and is probably in a worse place than it ever has been, but it's "different". I forgave the affair - but I never did forget. I stopped spying and second guessing - for all I know he could have something going on right now, but I doubt it. I don't get that vibe from him anymore - and I know that vibe well. Still, our marriage is in trouble. It's weird. He doesn't even sleep with me anymore, most nights he sleeps on the couch, he'll come to bed for a few hours, and stay on the far side of the bed... I'm not sure what the future holds, we work well together, we own a business together, which I work at full time and he works part-time and he has another full time job. Unless he's got something going on at work, he wouldn't have the time to have anything else going. I've resolved that the traditional "marriage" part is now over - I love him as a friend, but I've already been through the denial, anger, grief and acceptance that the husband/wife/sexual part of the marriage is done. I'm at the point now where I'm trying to figure out what to do next.... but I digress - this was supposed to be about you, not me... but somehow I feel better unloading some of that. Reading your post really hit close to home. I don't know what makes men do that, especially when there is a real, loving woman right there. I think weight is more of the woman's self-issue than the man's, if that makes any sense - I think it effects what the woman thinks of herself, more than what the man thinks of her, but that's just my opinion. I gained over 140 lbs since I met my husband (I was a waify 117 at 17 when I met him - I topped at 252, 4 years ago). I never felt that the sex problems were because of my weight, and in fact, despite everything, he always told me he was attracted to me, regardless of my weight. I hated myself and how fat I had become, and that self-loathing just added to the problem. 4 years ago I found a way of eating that was realistic and healthy, and I lost 52 lbs. in 4 months. I gained a few back during the process of getting my business up and running, 18 months ago, but I kept most of it off, and have been losing again. I'm sitting at 200 lbs now, and I'm fit. Yes, I'm heavy, but I'm tall and I am muscular now, I do physical work. I want to lose 50 more - but it's up to my body, as to "when".... I feel good about my appearance, and take care of myself. The scale just gives me a number - I look good and feel good. Work to feel good in the skin you're in - if you're heavier, so be it - eat healthy, dress accordingly - I've seen plenty of plus sized women look very sexy in nice clothes. Fitting 200 lb into a dress made for 140 lbs is NOT nice - God gave you a body, work with it! At 200 lbs, I dressed up for a dinner some weeks ago, and I turned heads! I wear jeans and tees most of the time (I'm a bit of a tomboy) but my industry friends were very surprised at how "well I clean up"! I had no shortage of dance partners at an industry function - I looked good and felt good, and that confidence rubs off. Try it, you'll see! Again- back to the porn issue - sorry I'm all over the place, but I haven't really talked about any of this in a few years since counselling, and the thoughts are overflowing.... I think the issue is not with "you", but rather with "him" and his own self-esteem, his feelings of vulnerability, perhaps his maturity-- I might get flamed for this but I really think that in *general*, men turn to porn because they have difficulty in dealing with strong emotions. Porn gives them an outlet for their sexual drive/frustration, but has no emotions, one isn't vulnerable to an image, not accountable, it's impersonal. Even now (especially now) my husband has a very hard time with strong emotions. I have a difficult almost impossible time talking to him about emotional issues, he doesn't even like watching drama on TV that might illicit strong emotion. He's moody, and gets angry often. He's not violent but the only strong emotion he allows himself to show, is anger. I think he still has major issues in that regard, and nothing I can do will ever "fix" that. I do think the issue needs to be addressed. Yes you CAN work it out in the marriage, but it takes some understanding on your part, finding out gently, WHY your man chooses this, and it requires that he wants to change. You can control how you deal with it, but unfortunately, it's up to him how he deals with it. If you can convey to him how it makes you feel, then it is up to him to decide if he wants to stop the destructive behavior, or disregard it. How he reacts to this, speaks volumes about his respect for self, as well as respect for you. Counselling can help. CompliKated. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted October 14, 2003 Share Posted October 14, 2003 Well first off, he is lying to you. Don't worry about the porn or smoking, the fact is he chooses to lie to you and THAT is not healthy. You need to talk to him and tell him that you won't stand for these lies. I am someone who gets more annoyed at the lies than by the actual actions a person does. Seek help, because it could only get worse and you deserve better Link to post Share on other sites
Ida Feldersnatch Posted October 17, 2003 Share Posted October 17, 2003 Why is it that once women get married they think they don't have to do the things that got that them married in the first place? It's as if the marriage ceremony means no more blowjobs and its time to break out the Ho-Ho's. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted October 17, 2003 Share Posted October 17, 2003 Originally posted by Ida Feldersnatch Why is it that once women get married they think they don't have to do the things that got that them married in the first place? It's as if the marriage ceremony means no more blowjobs and its time to break out the Ho-Ho's. Excuse me? What help does your post offer to this situation? You say that if she did her "duties" there would be not problem ? Link to post Share on other sites
mixedup1 Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 That statement about women and marriage and not doing what they did to get married....ummmm.....thats a rather broad statement...I have to agree with Ida, please make some sense of this...My wife to be ex if she has her way...errr...who knows....actually became more experimental as time went on in our marriage. It's not all about sex.....errr should I say making love to be respectful and thats what it is to me most of the time...but having sex is fun too. I think my wife would say a quickie is sex...a night of loving, hugging, squeezing, is making love. But, the porno thing.....hmmm, ya know sometimes a little spice is needed to get the juices flowing... my wife and I would watch porn together. I think you would find this not too uncommon, some of the stuff is pure raunchie crap, but some of it can really get the two of us hot n bothered. I think its personal preferance. Who knows maybe some things can be learned if you have an open mind. I am sure you do, but with your husband looking at it etc. alone, well, ya theres a problem there. Its embarassing for a guy to talk about that to his wife, but definately should be addressed. You should'nt feel like he's cheating on you ....thats not even close in my book...he's just using his imagination and graphics on a screen, I can see how that would make you feel insecure but, definately not cheating on you. Like I said theres a problem there, talk to him about it and ask him to let you check some of it out...see what he says...ya never know, could be a new beginning. But dont let it go and not mention it. Comminicate with each other or you will fall farther and farther apart. Good luck. Oh, you could smash his computer...nah, bad idea. hehe.... Link to post Share on other sites
mixedup1 Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 DOH !!!!! I meant to say I agree with Kat. sheesh, sorry...I will learn to check out things before i submit them eventually... Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 Originally posted by mixedup1 DOH !!!!! I meant to say I agree with Kat. sheesh, sorry...I will learn to check out things before i submit them eventually... hahaha you had me confused All good Link to post Share on other sites
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