Blue & Alone

[blue7]

My wife of 12 years (18yrs together) wants a separation. We have 3 young children. She feels that she needs her space, and she does not want to answer to anyone anymore. We have been arguing for about 3 years, and we have many issues. Any single issue would not have gotten us to this point. But several issues all at the same time have been weighing heavy on us. For example, we've had some financial trouble, (house mortgage, bad investments) I own my own business, and business was very slow last year. (I had to take a contract that was equivalent to having a part time job) She is going through somewhat of a mid-life crisis (she just turned 40, got breast enhancement -I did not want, been working out. She looks fantastic, probably the best she has ever looked...she's fun, popular with friends & neighbors etc -but she would never admit to it, to her it's more of "I am finally doing things for me" -everybody likes her) Other issues were with me. I am a creative type person... my follow through is horrible. If I have 10 great ideas, I'll get 4 done...she'll have 6 ideas, and get 6 done. The money issue has been a real burden or chip on my shoulder. She doesn't trust me, and I think that stems from her upbringing and her parents cheating. I have never cheated on her, nor would I even get close. I may have fallen into the dumb man category and been disrespectful by commenting on other women. After a certain amount of fighting or arguing I'd just shut up. Etc. I’m just average. She is more of a remarkable person, over achiever, no non-sense but fun, she is hard on the kids, but not in an abusive way. (And there are another 6-7 other issues)

 

We fought a lot over the last year. I totally did not "get it". We tried counseling but really got a bad counselor (really, not just an excuse) I was still in the mindset of "I wanna make my point and show her/ prove her wrong". She went to counseling on her own, so did I but not as often. Unfortunately, my counseling ended up being mostly about work & not family/marriage issues. But throughout we always claimed how much we loved each other, how much we'll work on things. We even made plans for this summer (family vacation).

She finally told me she wants a separation, and as typical as it sounds I feel like I have been hit by a truck, and from outta nowhere. (I've read post here so I understand...and I am admitting to it, of course she gave me signs-I didn't take notice) She has my full attention now BELIEVE ME! But she is not bluffing in any way. We are seeing a really good marriage counselor, now. But she wants to utilize her for separating amicably; I want the counseling to work on our marriage and family.

My thoughts are to get myself in a better place for her and for our children. I want to stay motivated, & strong. My hopes are to show her who I am down deep, that I am able to grow & be a better person. (Not just change to make her happy) but it is hard for me to deal on a regular basis. I find out new information everyday and it just kills me. Things like she "wrote me off" a year ago. No chance of getting back together. It has only been a few weeks, but I feel very alone. I have a few friends that I talk to and that’s helpful. I am worried I cannot overlook the little things to get to the big things. Etc.

 

Anyway I can write forever. What can I do to ignore or deal with her comments, to stay focused? I want to grow, I want to recognize my faults, know where I went wrong, and know where she went wrong. Ultimately I need to have peace with my children and myself. I believe I have that responsibility as a parent. And if my wife & I end our marriage, then I know I tried, if we end up together we’ll be better because of it!

 

blue7

[seibert253]

Any signs she was seeing someone else on the side? Breast enhancement, working out getting in shape. Hmm, I don't know but I'm thinking either:

A. She was seeing someone else

B. She was getting ready to see someone else

C. She was getting ready to put herself back on the "market"

 

I think you need to do a little investigating before a plan of action can emerge. One thing's certain, when a women leaves, that's usually it, she's done. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, because it's clear you love her dearly. Best of Luck.

[wifesgone]

I am in just about the same exact situation. Look up "walk away wife syndrome." It fits the bill perfectly. It will help you understand her feelings.

Do not automatically assume she is cheating on you. You are going to hear alot of people tell you she is, but they don't know. You would know if she has/had been cheating on you, it's a gut feeling.

My wife just did the same thing. Don't worry if the love is there it will work out. We are still working out problems and it has been amonth. If she wants to go she is going to leave and you cannot stop her no matter what you do. Here are some things I have learned over the last month.

 

DON'TS

 

DO NOT PRESS HER TO COME HOME IS SHE HAS LEFT. IF YOU DO YOU WILL ONLY PUSH HER AWAY FURTHER.

DO NOT CALL HER ALL THE TIME.

DO NOT TRY TO STOP HER FROM LEAVING. IF SHE WANTS TO LEAVE SHE IS GOING TO LEAVE, PLAIN AND SIMPLE

DON'T CALL HER. LET HER CALL YOU, SHE WILL WHEN SHE IS READY TO. JUST TRUST EVERYONE ON THIS. IT WORKS, AS BAD AS THE URGE IS.

 

DO'S

 

DO LET HER GO AS BAD AS IT HURTS.

DO GET YOUR KEYS, YOU CANNOT LET HER WALK ALL OVER YOU.

DO GET OUT. YOU WILL DIE SITTING IN YOUR HOUSE WORRYING YOURSELF.

DO WHEN YOU DO TALK TELL HER PLAIN AND SIMPLE IF YOU HAVE SOMETHIGN TO SAY, SAY IT. IF YOU DO WORK IT OUT IT WILL COME UP LATER.

DO TRY TO BETTER YOURSELF. WORK ON THE THINGS YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO.

DO GIVE IT TIME, DO NOT GO FILE FOR DIVORCE OUT OF ANGER, IF YOU DIDN'T LOVE HER YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN WITH HER.

DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF, IT WILL KILL YOU

DO NOT HELP HER IN ANYWAY. SHE FEELS SHE HAS CONTROL.

DO NOT EVER NO MATTER WHAT LET HER SEE HOW BAD YOU MISS HER. APPARENTLY THAT IS NOT VERY ATTRACTIVE.

DO BE WILLING TO FORGIVE AND FORGET, IF YOU DON'T YOU MAY AS WELL CALL IT QUITS NOW.

 

I am no pro but I can promise you all the above is stuff that works. Everyone here is going to tell you pretty much the same thing also. Listen to these people they have lived it.

Keep an open mind and heart, but don't let her drive you crazy. She is going to try, but it will kill you.

[husbndinthemaking]

My wife of 12 years (18yrs together) wants a separation. We have 3 young children. She feels that she needs her space, and she does not want to answer to anyone anymore. We have been arguing for about 3 years, and we have many issues. Any single issue would not have gotten us to this point. But several issues all at the same time have been weighing heavy on us. For example, we've had some financial trouble, (house mortgage, bad investments) I own my own business, and business was very slow last year. (I had to take a contract that was equivalent to having a part time job) She is going through somewhat of a mid-life crisis (she just turned 40, got breast enhancement -I did not want, been working out. She looks fantastic, probably the best she has ever looked...she's fun, popular with friends & neighbors etc -but she would never admit to it, to her it's more of "I am finally doing things for me" -everybody likes her) Other issues were with me. I am a creative type person... my follow through is horrible. If I have 10 great ideas, I'll get 4 done...she'll have 6 ideas, and get 6 done. The money issue has been a real burden or chip on my shoulder. She doesn't trust me, and I think that stems from her upbringing and her parents cheating. I have never cheated on her, nor would I even get close. I may have fallen into the dumb man category and been disrespectful by commenting on other women. After a certain amount of fighting or arguing I'd just shut up. Etc. I’m just average. She is more of a remarkable person, over achiever, no non-sense but fun, she is hard on the kids, but not in an abusive way. (And there are another 6-7 other issues)

 

We fought a lot over the last year. I totally did not "get it". We tried counseling but really got a bad counselor (really, not just an excuse) I was still in the mindset of "I wanna make my point and show her/ prove her wrong". She went to counseling on her own, so did I but not as often. Unfortunately, my counseling ended up being mostly about work & not family/marriage issues. But throughout we always claimed how much we loved each other, how much we'll work on things. We even made plans for this summer (family vacation).

She finally told me she wants a separation, and as typical as it sounds I feel like I have been hit by a truck, and from outta nowhere. (I've read post here so I understand...and I am admitting to it, of course she gave me signs-I didn't take notice) She has my full attention now BELIEVE ME! But she is not bluffing in any way. We are seeing a really good marriage counselor, now. But she wants to utilize her for separating amicably; I want the counseling to work on our marriage and family.

My thoughts are to get myself in a better place for her and for our children. I want to stay motivated, & strong. My hopes are to show her who I am down deep, that I am able to grow & be a better person. (Not just change to make her happy) but it is hard for me to deal on a regular basis. I find out new information everyday and it just kills me. Things like she "wrote me off" a year ago. No chance of getting back together. It has only been a few weeks, but I feel very alone. I have a few friends that I talk to and that’s helpful. I am worried I cannot overlook the little things to get to the big things. Etc.

 

Anyway I can write forever. What can I do to ignore or deal with her comments, to stay focused? I want to grow, I want to recognize my faults, know where I went wrong, and know where she went wrong. Ultimately I need to have peace with my children and myself. I believe I have that responsibility as a parent. And if my wife & I end our marriage, then I know I tried, if we end up together we’ll be better because of it!

 

blue7

 

Want your wife back emotionally? Support her on her decision. Simple enough. Do not pressure her, do not attack her feelings. From what you wrote, it sounds like your arguing has taken it's toll and she is emotionally drained at the moment.

Go out and get some books on the subject and educate yourself ASAP. Also, do not give up hope. Build your wife back up emotionally and you can both be happy again.

[husbndinthemaking]

"DO GET OUT. YOU WILL DIE SITTING IN YOUR HOUSE WORRYING YOURSELF."

 

Just make sure you do not move out of your home. This could be taken as abandonment in a court of law.

[wifesgone]

"do get out. You will die sitting in your house worrying yourself."

 

just make sure you do not move out of your home. This could be taken as abandonment in a court of law.

 

ok let me add some more to that line

 

do get out of the house after she leaves and do stuff. Don't just sit there thinking feeling sorry for yourself. No if she wants to leave you stay there, that is her decision not yours.

[mark982]

do get your finances in order,don't support her moving out.get seperate accts.

[blue7]

Wow you guys are very helpful. I may have put a little pressure on her last night over the phone. I was in the mood to ask more direct questions and she had a drink or two.

 

Good thing is, she had been beating around the bush just a little, and I had only been hearing what I wanted to hear. My mood & her drink added the lubrication we needed to be more direct. (which resulted in her not wanting to be married-period)

 

Unfortunately, it made her emotionally distraught today.

 

Your suggestions of do's & don't are very helpful. I think "matter of fact" answer really help with my personality.

 

I think I will have trouble staying the course. My first reactions are seldom good ones. It usually takes me a moment to process a situation, with a business and children, processing time is limited. But, I am working on it. I am doing my best to be the best I can be and I hope that is the best route for me...but doing it alone is tough. She is also irritated with my family & friends, so I am reluctant to discuss things with them.

 

I appreciate all your comments & help. Sorry to hear you are in my situation. I do not wish these feelings on anyone.

 

Blue

[in a daze]

Want your wife back emotionally? Support her on her decision. Simple enough. Do not pressure her, do not attack her feelings. From what you wrote, it sounds like your arguing has taken it's toll and she is emotionally drained at the moment.

Go out and get some books on the subject and educate yourself ASAP. Also, do not give up hope. Build your wife back up emotionally and you can both be happy again.

BINGO!!!! i am going through the same situation, and it took me 2-3 weeks to figure this out.m as nike saya JUST DO IT

[husbndinthemaking]

BINGO!!!! i am going through the same situation, and it took me 2-3 weeks to figure this out.m as nike saya JUST DO IT

 

It won't be easy, that is for sure. Set yourself some ground rules and follow them. Like, do not call her unless it's urgent, let her know you are going to out to see others, do not complain, do not talk about yourself, etc. Keep in mind, she thinks she is the victim here. Because her emotional needs were not met by you, YOU are the bad guy and the one to blame. Don't worry though, after she gets feelings back over time, she will slowly realize that she was wrong. She won't admit it, but she will see the error of her ways.

 

Be polite, upbeat, confident, and helpful to her if she needs you. She will LOVE you for this.

 

I even went as far as apologizing to my wife. I told her, "I am an ahole. I never listened to you. I only cared about myself. I am sorry. I can't blame you for wanting to leave me."

 

Once she has trust in you again, you need to move onto the next step. Dating her all over again. Yep. Dating. Flowers, candlelight dinners, taking her dancing, etc. Whatever she likes to do. And most important of all, DO NOT ask for sex! In time, if you date her and fill her emotionally, she will want YOU. She needs to feel in control right now. Give her what she wants and you will get what you want in time. Good luck.

 

Keep in mind, this process can take months. It depends on how much damage was done. She needs to build up the trust again.

 

Oh yeah, and EDUCATE YOURSELF in relationships! I suggest "Stop Your Divorce", "Divorce Busting", or the zaxxes.com system.

[seibert253]

Some great advise from all. Stay the course Blue, work on yourself and TRY to enjoy your me time. If she loves you she will see the light and come running back. If she doesn't then trust me, there's another who will give you the love and devotion you deserve. It's going to be tough. There will be good days and bad days, but keep your focus on you and your children, not winning back your wife.

Good luck and God Bless.

[imagine]

Blue,

 

I agree with the posters that recommend that you educate yourself. You have a WAW and she is pissed.

 

Firstly, keep tabs that their is no exit affair. Check keyloggers, voice recorders in her car, etc.

 

Second, I would recommend the articles at Marriagebuilders.com as to why a woman walks away.

 

Third, estimate her needs and meet them by demonstration. This is for YOU.

 

Fouth, build yourself up. Use prescribed drugs if needed. Don't be Blue!

[Gowithflow]

Agree with most of the above. May or may not work out, but you will definatly be feeling a lot of emotions from this point forward. Especially with kids. I'll bet she will blame everything on you and people will rally to her side and protect her from the "bad husband". BS.

 

The only thing I can tell you is the pain is temporary and you will be ok. It takes a long time. Don't waste energy trying to prove her wrong. Don't show her any emotion at this point. Do not be surprised if the wife is seeing someone else. She may think she is on a "higher level" with someone else. This will also suck but it's not your fault. She is in mid life. My stbxw is the same type of woman boob job and all. it changed her no doubt. She's gone now and I'm a single dad. Hooray. Luckily for me I met someone else who is great to me and that helps. So does martial arts.

 

If you only read one book, please read "The journey from abandonment to healing" by Susan Anderson. This book is awesome and it will help you understand the different emotions you feel after being dumped by your wife.

[TrustInYourself]

Change starts today. Make it happen. Let me know if I can help.

[blue7]

i have tried to take some time to read up & work on a few things. would like to catch you guys up on a few things and get your thoughts.

first, i posted about how i had the one phone conversation with her where we were a little more direct with each other. well we went to the counsler the day after and i explained to her the my wife pretty much had her mind made up and she felt that the counseling was only repeating what she already knew ( my wife has been seeing a counsler for a few years..plus she has a background in counsling) additionally my wife felt like the mc would be wasteful to our financial situation. our counsler proceeded to suggest some of the mechanics of seperating amicably. ( lawyers, how to tell the children, emphasizing the effects on the children etc) my wife is willing to go to marriage counsling but only as a vehicle to help me, not us. do you feel i should still try and get her in there with me, keep in mind she is still seeing her own therapist.??

 

another issue is she wants to proceed asap with a legal separation. she is hoping in the next week or so to discuss the details and layout a plan for a split. i believe it would involve something to the effect of she wants to stay at her dad's 3 days a week (dad has house nearby and is gone for months at a time) and she would like me away 3 or so days a week. i originally was considering going along with that plan but after reading some of the post here, my thoughts are to point out that -she is the one who wants out, therefore she can leave and go live with here dad. i don't want to stress her out too much. i do realize that i am probably more at fault then she is in terms of why she wants to leave. ( i recognize that i have not been a good husband) of course our ultimate goal is the least amount of stress/ damage to our children.

 

one last thing- mehanics of dealing. i find myself doing all the things you guys suggest i not do...for example, i sound sad on the phone, i stress her out, i question her abilities with our daily activities.

our cell phones are tied together, if i feel the need to call one of my friends that she hates, i really don't want her to know about it. same with talking to a lawyer (tho i could call from work)

she is ready to tell everyone. she has told her family and a few friends already. i have only told my 4 best friends.

so i can go on forever...your help is so much appreciated.

 

 

blue

[Gunny376]

The only differrence between the Titantic and your marriage?

 

Is they had a band playing as "she" went down!

[Justanotherschmuck]

Your having financial troubles, youre wife gets a boob job. Add the two together and SUPPORT NOTHING.

 

Support her doing what, exactly? Yeah its ok to leave, I understand?

 

Please. SHe may look good on the outside, but inside? She sounds very unattractive. Hire a PI, something is going on.

[husbndinthemaking]

i have tried to take some time to read up & work on a few things. would like to catch you guys up on a few things and get your thoughts.

first, i posted about how i had the one phone conversation with her where we were a little more direct with each other. well we went to the counsler the day after and i explained to her the my wife pretty much had her mind made up and she felt that the counseling was only repeating what she already knew ( my wife has been seeing a counsler for a few years..plus she has a background in counsling) additionally my wife felt like the mc would be wasteful to our financial situation. our counsler proceeded to suggest some of the mechanics of seperating amicably. ( lawyers, how to tell the children, emphasizing the effects on the children etc) my wife is willing to go to marriage counsling but only as a vehicle to help me, not us. do you feel i should still try and get her in there with me, keep in mind she is still seeing her own therapist.??

 

another issue is she wants to proceed asap with a legal separation. she is hoping in the next week or so to discuss the details and layout a plan for a split. i believe it would involve something to the effect of she wants to stay at her dad's 3 days a week (dad has house nearby and is gone for months at a time) and she would like me away 3 or so days a week. i originally was considering going along with that plan but after reading some of the post here, my thoughts are to point out that -she is the one who wants out, therefore she can leave and go live with here dad. i don't want to stress her out too much. i do realize that i am probably more at fault then she is in terms of why she wants to leave. ( i recognize that i have not been a good husband) of course our ultimate goal is the least amount of stress/ damage to our children.

 

one last thing- mehanics of dealing. i find myself doing all the things you guys suggest i not do...for example, i sound sad on the phone, i stress her out, i question her abilities with our daily activities.

our cell phones are tied together, if i feel the need to call one of my friends that she hates, i really don't want her to know about it. same with talking to a lawyer (tho i could call from work)

she is ready to tell everyone. she has told her family and a few friends already. i have only told my 4 best friends.

so i can go on forever...your help is so much appreciated.

 

 

blue

 

First off... Get your balls back. Seriously. You are so tied up in her that you don't even know yourself anymore. If you remain in this depressed, sad puppy mindset, you will lose her forever.

 

You need to let her go emotionally if you want her back in your life.

 

Let me sum it up for you....

 

1) Is she going to leave you for good? - Yes. She is leaving you. Get over it ASAP!

 

2) Oh my god. It's the end of the world!!! - No. It's not. Understand, you WILL find a better person than her if she leaves. This is a given. (I know from experience)

 

Want to get her back? Then follow what I type here:

 

1) BE HAPPY FOR HER - Make sure she knows that you are exctied for her. Act HAPPY on the phone with her.

 

Example:

 

Her - "I don't love you anymore"

You - "I can understand that and support you 100%. Sorry that you feel that way."

 

Her - "I'm sorry that I don't love you like you love me."

You - "No need to appologize. I am finding myself again. Meeting new people. I'm having a great time actually now."

 

Her - "Well... I should hang up now"

You - "Yeah. Me too. I'm heading out the door to meet someone. Have a great night!"

 

You need to turn it around on her IMMEDIATELY. Let her see what it will be like without a HAPPY you in her life.

 

BE UPBEAT. SOUND POSITIVE ON THE PHONE WITH HER ALWAYS.

 

Get some books and educate yourself or you will be over for good. Best of luck.