After 1-yr of marriage, Husband tells me he has herpes

[Trimmer]

I was afraid of being rejected at the time. I have always been the person who got dumped in relationships and I just didn't want that to happen again. Also, in my mind, I think I managed to convince myself that H is an issue that we could work through, and not such a huge issue which would cause our relationship to fall apart. I thought that my husband would love me NO MATTER WHAT and would be able to accept me. My husband has a lot of personal issues that he is struggling with also. He has Bipolar disease (and other issues) and it's been uncontrolled for the first few years of our relationship. But I accepted him for that. I accepted his shortcomings, and issues even though other people would be turned off by it. So I guess I thought that he could do the same with me.

Well, not to rub this in, but his issues were ones you knew about when you still had the ability to factor them in to your decision to marry him, yes? And he didn't actively keep them from you?

 

On your side, you very much knew that these might by factors that might be important to him (you were afraid of being rejected, that says it right there) and so you specifically withheld the information from him. That's such a betrayal.... Although it's easier to look at this as if it centers around his disgust at your Herpes and his treatment of you, as you see it, as a diseased person, I think that the issue is one layer deeper: your willful betrayal of his trust, and your intentional betrayal of him to achieve your goal of trapping him.

 

If you believed so much that he could accept your shortcomings, why not let him do that of his free will, instead of trapping him with marriage. I think that's where his anger comes from. You think he doesn't love you enough to "work through this?" Well, his perception is that you didn't trust him - you didn't love him - enough to tell him the truth until you had him trapped.

 

So that was that, I didn't push the subject anymore. I don't like being pushed away and rejected, then spoken to when he feels like talking to me. I told him that H is not something that only promiscous people get, but also people like me who were in committed relationships with others who had it and didn't know it got it. For all I know he could've given me something without knowing it too.

But this isn't about giving it or getting it from someone who doesn't know. This is about marrying someone who does know, and specifically chooses not to tell.

 

It's not clear from your posts - did you ever have sex with him before revealing your Herpes? (i.e. before your marriage?)

[NoIDidn't]

I was afraid of being rejected at the time. I have always been the person who got dumped in relationships and I just didn't want that to happen again. Also, in my mind, I think I managed to convince myself that H is an issue that we could work through, and not such a huge issue which would cause our relationship to fall apart. I thought that my husband would love me NO MATTER WHAT and would be able to accept me. My husband has a lot of personal issues that he is struggling with also. He has Bipolar disease (and other issues) and it's been uncontrolled for the first few years of our relationship. But I accepted him for that. I accepted his shortcomings, and issues even though other people would be turned off by it. So I guess I thought that he could do the same with me.

 

It was horrible the way I told my husband about my H, it was right after we got married (weeks) and I guess the stress of the wedding, warm climate, food I was eating, caused me to have an outbreak. I stayed away from being intimate with him, and he was so upset. He couldn't understand why I didn't want to be with him. He thought I just didn't care about him, that I wasn't attracted to him; so I told him the truth. I really don't want him to get it, so I fessed up. He was angry, hurt and outraged, but also confused. We thought we could get thru it, but he can't get over it. He's still angry, hurt, and outraged. He has some other issues in his life that he's working on, and it didn't help that I betrayed him.

 

For me, H is a matter of having outbreaks 1-2x a year, which makes me lucky in a way because I know others get it way more frequent than that. I guess I trivialized the impact that H could have on my husband.

 

Now, I don't know what's going to happen. He wants to sell the house, and move out. But at the same time, he was hurt when I told him that I was looking for a job out of the city. He doesn't want me to work somewhere else, but he treats me like a leper in our house. So, we're booked for couselling next week, and I guess we're just waiting to see what will happen.

 

My heart goes out to you. Thanks for sharing this with us/me.

 

I don't have sexually transmitted herpes. I get the lip/mouth blister breakouts. My dad kissed me as a child when he had breakouts all the time and never once thought of the impact that would have on my life. And its not been pretty. I know your feelings of rejection well. But I have never hidden this from anyone I've dated. Nor from my now-H.

 

I really hope you come of this stronger than you went in, no matter what happens to your marriage. I have enough bipolar relatives to know that sex and sexual intimacy if of the utmost of importance to them. So your H may be on his way out of the door if he can't see ever having sex with you again. I'm so sorry.

 

If nothing else, I hope this shows you that you have to trust that you will be strong enough to handle the response to your honesty even if it ends the R. With the amount of people that actually have Herpes (sexually transmitted and not), you are bound to find someone that will accept you just as you are without reservation.

 

I certainly don't agree with the way your H is treating you following your revelation, I can understand his reaction. You guys are newly weds, basically. You weren't supposed to HAVE to abstain because of an undisclosed illness on your part. This wasn't part of his plans. But you willfully withheld that information from him, so it seems like it was yours. Note, that I said "seems".

 

Your marriage can be saved, but its going to take A LOT of compromise on his part and he might not be willing to do that. But the fact that he is doing research right now, shows that he is trying to find out what risks he is taking in staying and having a normal marital sexual relationship with you.

 

And while I don't find you to be a saint, I have to say that your acceptance of his bipolar is far better than I could ever do. See, I would rather a partner that I loved with an incurable disease that I can lessen the possibility of me getting - than a partner with an incurable mental illness that is highly likely to be passed on to my children. Highly likely.

 

I wish you luck.

[NoIDidn't]

And I have to say that I agree with much of what Trimmer has said. It is a trap.

 

To think that someone would love you NO MATTER what, is disingenuous. Because people will love what they KNOW about you. When they are kept in the dark on purpose, they are likely to react in just the way that your H did.

 

You both have some issues that would give others pause. But you knew about his up front. It would have been much better to tell him before you ever even had sex with him, period. Judging by his response, I get the feeling that you guys had sex before marriage and you still didn't tell him. And if that's true.....well, your marriage may not be salvageable once he recalls the numerous times his health was put at risk. Imagine, him finding this out after having performed oral sex on you in the past? He could have caught it at any point in time. He could have genital herpes in his mouth. Put yourself into his shoes, really into his shoes.

 

Remorse may not be enough to save this marriage. This is a HUGE betrayal.

 

I know you are hurting and I really am not trying to cause you more pain, but I hope you consider your H's feelings more than your own in this case. He's been blindsided.

[lifelessonlearned]

And I have to say that I agree with much of what Trimmer has said. It is a trap.

 

To think that someone would love you NO MATTER what, is disingenuous. Because people will love what they KNOW about you. When they are kept in the dark on purpose, they are likely to react in just the way that your H did.

 

You both have some issues that would give others pause. But you knew about his up front. It would have been much better to tell him before you ever even had sex with him, period. Judging by his response, I get the feeling that you guys had sex before marriage and you still didn't tell him. And if that's true.....well, your marriage may not be salvageable once he recalls the numerous times his health was put at risk. Imagine, him finding this out after having performed oral sex on you in the past? He could have caught it at any point in time. He could have genital herpes in his mouth. Put yourself into his shoes, really into his shoes.

 

Remorse may not be enough to save this marriage. This is a HUGE betrayal.

 

I know you are hurting and I really am not trying to cause you more pain, but I hope you consider your H's feelings more than your own in this case. He's been blindsided.

 

I understand what a huge mistake I've made by keeping H a secret from my husband, but I don't think that anyone on here has the right to judge me. I told my story because I wanted to get it off my chest, not to be condemned by people who think that they know me or what my life has been like. Pls. look at your own situation and try to remember if you've ever done anything that cause someone else to get hurt before you speak. I know I made a mistake, and I'm paying for it. But I will not be a punching bag for people who thinks they've led a pure and innocent life.

 

Though you say you're not here to cause me more pain, you are trying to cause me pain by assuming you know me and casting judgments on my life. You don't know me, only a very minute detail of my life. I care for my husband very much and I don't need to get beat up by people who are riding on their high horse of morality. Because the truth is, we all make mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. It's called LIFE; in the end all that matters is if you learned from your mistakes and do not continue on the same path of destruction that you were on.

[lifelessonlearned]

Well, not to rub this in, but his issues were ones you knew about when you still had the ability to factor them in to your decision to marry him, yes? And he didn't actively keep them from you?

 

On your side, you very much knew that these might by factors that might be important to him (you were afraid of being rejected, that says it right there) and so you specifically withheld the information from him. That's such a betrayal.... Although it's easier to look at this as if it centers around his disgust at your Herpes and his treatment of you, as you see it, as a diseased person, I think that the issue is one layer deeper: your willful betrayal of his trust, and your intentional betrayal of him to achieve your goal of trapping him.

 

I understand what a huge mistake I've made by keeping H a secret from my husband, but I don't think that anyone on here has the right to judge me. I told my story because I wanted to get it off my chest, not to be condemned by people who think that they know me or what my life has been like. My goal wasn't to trap him into marriage. If I wanted to trap him, I wouldn't have said anything to him at all when I knew I was having an outbreak and purposefully gave it to him. Then he would get it for sure. But I did not do that. I stayed away from being intimate with him. Believe it or not I was weak emotionally before we got married and I couldn't stand the chance of losing a great guy. That's why I didn't tell him.

 

If you believed so much that he could accept your shortcomings, why not let him do that of his free will, instead of trapping him with marriage. I think that's where his anger comes from. You think he doesn't love you enough to "work through this?" Well, his perception is that you didn't trust him - you didn't love him - enough to tell him the truth until you had him trapped.

 

As I said before, I am very sorry for what I have done, but I can't turn back time. I can only promise that I will never do anything like this to him again.

 

 

But this isn't about giving it or getting it from someone who doesn't know. This is about marrying someone who does know, and specifically chooses not to tell.

 

It's not clear from your posts - did you ever have sex with him before revealing your Herpes? (i.e. before your marriage?)

 

My husband's issues are so vast and complex that simply stating "I am bipolar" does it no justice. It is only after you live with the person that you truly understand the extent of issues that it has on someone's life. So even though he did tell me in the beginning, there were still a lot of problems that I could've easily said "No, I can't do this" and walked away, but I didn't, because I love him. Now, I know that does not make me a saint or a martyr, but I am a person who makes mistakes just like everyone else.

[stuckinoz]

 

What if he had had HIV?

.

 

But it wasn't....

[stuckinoz]

lifelesson....pay no attention to those that are trying to cause you more pain. There are people on here that make it their goal to get on forums like this one & step on their soap box & bash. Ignore them.

Hugs to you!

[NoIDidn't]

I understand what a huge mistake I've made by keeping H a secret from my husband, but I don't think that anyone on here has the right to judge me. I told my story because I wanted to get it off my chest, not to be condemned by people who think that they know me or what my life has been like. Pls. look at your own situation and try to remember if you've ever done anything that cause someone else to get hurt before you speak. I know I made a mistake, and I'm paying for it. But I will not be a punching bag for people who thinks they've led a pure and innocent life.

 

Though you say you're not here to cause me more pain, you are trying to cause me pain by assuming you know me and casting judgments on my life. You don't know me, only a very minute detail of my life. I care for my husband very much and I don't need to get beat up by people who are riding on their high horse of morality. Because the truth is, we all make mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. It's called LIFE; in the end all that matters is if you learned from your mistakes and do not continue on the same path of destruction that you were on.

 

I'm sorry if you feel judged by me or by my words. I thought we were discussing your thoughts on why you deceived your H by not telling him about your diagnosis until after you got married and you admit only telling him because you had an outbreak.

 

Believe me, I am not riding on any high horse. So please don't assume that because I don't agree with what you did and am willing to say so, that I'm trying to beat you up. If anything, I'm only trying to show you AND your H some sympathy because its a terrible position to be in. I know for a fact that I wouldn't have withheld such information from someone that was going to marry me, but I can't say with certainty whether I would leave or stay if I found out something like that from my spouse shortly after marrying them.

 

Instead of feeling judged, maybe you should really consider your actions for how they really have affected ALL around you - not just you. You have spent much time talking about yourself and what your H is doing FOR you. Other than telling him belatedly about your diagnosis, you haven't stated what you are doing for him. If you want to save your marriage and any respect that he has for you, you need to be doing some things for him. You've placed him into a horrible position. Say what you want about feeling judged or whatever, but you know you have put him into a really difficult spot and you have to make amends for it somehow.

[scrunchy]

We dated 3 years and 3 months and have been married 11 months and 2-weeks.

 

The last 2-days, my husband has been acting very distant and solemn. I demanded to know what was troubling him. He started crying and begging me not to leave him. I became very frightened, thinking what in the hell has he done to make him act like this. Then he told me..."I have herpes; have had it for 15-years, since I was 22, and I never told you because I was afraid of losing you".

 

Needless to say, I was shocked, mad, angry, hurt, etc.... This is the most selfish thing anyone has ever done to me. He is a very selfish man and the only reason he told me is because he had an occurrence and had to seek medical attention. I don't want to be with him right now; I don't want to seek counseling because I don't have faith that it will work. I don't see how I can share my life with someone who was so callous about my well-being; such deceit; such betrayal.

 

All men are just as selfish. That's my conclusion.

I would be surprised if someone was open and honest about their std tab at the onset of a relationship. Then of course they have to keep the omissions linger on to keep the relationship intact. These days you need std testing before even jumping in the sack in order to be safe.

[bhweller]

I agree it was wrong for him to not tell you and surprised you don't have it yourself. twenty-five percent of the people who have it, don't know they have it.

 

Also, it's not like HIV either. Read up on the disease. It's basically a rash that last for a few days, which over time can only happen once a year if that. To leave someone over this is kind of harsh. Why not try marriage counseling?

 

Is it wrong that he didn't tell her ? yes, lying is wrong. However in this case people are getting hysterical because of a social stigma that shouldn't exist. Herpes is not the huge thing that people make it out to be, and he dated/had sex with her for years WITHOUT HER GETTING IT. The reason he didn't tell her is because there is a huge stigma attached to this very superficial and manageable condition. As long as the person did not get the herpes by cheating during the relationship, I think it is something that could be accepted, and is accepted by millions of people.

 

You can dump him over the lying if you want, nobody would judge you. However consider whether you are throwing out a lot of good things because of one bad thing that really isn't that bad.

[stuckinoz]

This is what I've said too. I think that the minute the word HERP is uttered from anyone....everyone around cringes.

It is a very managable condition. YES, it is an STD. But it isn't a death sentance. It's a real pain....But it ain't gonna kill ya.

I think that other posters on here are more hung up on the "LIE" than anything else. I think it's horrible that someone tells their spouse of a condition such as this & then he treats them like they are a lepar! That is just downright wrong! When someone that has this condition is careful & knows when an outbreak is about to occur & then obstains from sex...the odds of their partner contracting it are very slim. (married 28 years & my husband has never shown one sign of contracting it from me)

I'd say to lifelessonleanred....Maybe he was looking for an out anyway.

As for the original poster..who the heck knows what happened to them:confused: