sharing custody with my ex..the narcissist

[matt229]

My ex wife and I got divorced last year. Only recently have I realized that she meets the DSM qualifications for narcissistic personality disorder without any doubt. I read numerous examples of women with this disorder and she's a mirror image of multiple diagnosed cases that are out there.

 

I understand everything now. It's like being in the dark and then having someone turn on all the lights at once. It explains why she cheated so much. It explains why she would never apologize and why she was never in the wrong. It explains why she claimed I abandoned her and why she always claimed she did all the work wherever she was or whatever she was doing even if it clearly wasn't true. It explains why she was always so focused on *her* needs and showed ZERO empathy towards me. It explains why I was always wrong in any argument and everything was my fault even if it clearly wasn't.

 

Here is the deal: We are divorced as of last year and we have shared custody of our very young son; however he lives with her. Having come to the realization that my ex is NPD, I am very concerned for my son and how her NPD will effect him. Right now, I don't know if I should get a court to order a psych evaluation or if I should wait. At this point, we have an okay relationship with respect to each other and that helps with custody and visitations. On the other hand, I am worried about the ex's NPD effects on my son.

 

If I could get one, would a court mandated psych eval do any good? Is it worth rocking the proverbial boat to intervene? I love my son so much and I'm afraid that he will suffer from his mother's dysfunctional NPD mind.

 

I originally posted on the infidelity forum a few years ago. If you want to see the thread where I invited my now ex to visit it is here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t135697/

she deleted her posts so you can only see her responses via the quotes in others responses. It's been a messy and very stressful past few years.

[Mz. Pixie]

My mother had borderline personality disorder- narcassistic.

 

She was abusive in every way possible to me. They are not good mothers- they are just not.

 

You'll have to get a court order to get her evaluated because I can promise you'll never get her to go on her own. They rarely seek therapy because they don't think the problem is theirs- only everyone elses. Even if they go to therapy it takes years and years to see very little progress. Medication doesn't work because it's something deep in their personality.

 

My question is why did you give her custody in the first place knowing of her problems? You may have a hard time getting a judge to order anything at this point since you're already divorced- but it's worth a shot for your son's sake.

 

I was an adult when I found out about my mother.

 

It is worth rocking the boat because the future mental health of your son is at stake. I've been angry at my father my entire life for not taking me away from my mother when he knew how she was. I'm 41 years old and I've been in and out of therapy for over 20 years.

 

But be careful in saying yourself that she's NPD just because she meets some of the qualifications- that needs to be up to a professional.

[alicia79]

Thanks so much for posting this. I've been reading up on npd all morning and this fits my ex to a t. It explains so much.

[2sure]

Matt -

 

I understand your concern for your son. But I just want to bring something to your attention. Many non custodial parents try to change custody. The only way to do that is to prove the other parent is unfit.

And this has to proved with medical and legal documention of abuse. In other words, it usually has to be physical abuse or the other parent has to have a record of institutionalization. Its really really hard.

 

More importantly. When custody is an issue among the parents but the parents get along ok for visitiation - the courts are agreeable. However, when the parents are seen to not be able to communicate or have issues so huge between them that it affects visitation, or becomes stressful for the child - the courts have been known to hault visitation or give custody to one or the other. Most often the parent with existing custody.

 

Im not saying this is right.

[SRV]

Personality disorders are some of the hardest to diagnose effectively. For you to prove that in court without clear cut evidence of her prior institutionalization or records of abuse is fighting an uphill battle.

 

You have visitation with your son at the moment, why rock the boat. Keep the communication channels open between you and her and bid your time as your son comes of age as to the point whereby he might be able to communicate the goings on. GL

[matt229]

Personality disorders are some of the hardest to diagnose effectively. For you to prove that in court without clear cut evidence of her prior institutionalization or records of abuse is fighting an uphill battle.

 

You have visitation with your son at the moment, why rock the boat. Keep the communication channels open between you and her and bid your time as your son comes of age as to the point whereby he might be able to communicate the goings on. GL

 

Yeah, I think this is the best approach right now. I just can't control everything and everyone but it's hard to think that she might have a detrimental effect on him in the future and here I was at this point in time wanting to do something.

[pelicanpreacher]

I think the best approach to this is to bide your time unitl the child reaches the age of emancipation. At this point the control over the decision process of custody is bestowed to the child in question which can provide you better leverage in getting custody reassigned in accordance to the child's wishes. I don't know how this action would affect child support but at least you'd have a mechanism available to extricate the child from your EX's clutches!

 

In the meantime in between time it would be advisable to enter your child into therapy if you feel your EX's disfunction is beginning to corrupt your child's values and psyche.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, I think this is the best approach right now. I just can't control everything and everyone but it's hard to think that she might have a detrimental effect on him in the future and here I was at this point in time wanting to do something.

 

There is no might, she will. If she is truly NPD then he will suffer period. They are incapable of putting someone else before themselves- doesn't matter if it's their child, partner, parent etc. They do not have that connection in their brain that makes them sacrifice for someone else. It's a broken switch. She will always operate and do what's best for her. As most people know a mother shouldn't do that- she should always put her childrens best interest first.

 

I participated in an on line support group for women whose mothers were narcassists (borderline- not NPD if there is a difference?) for over three years. Every one of those women had suffered some type of abuse from their mothers. Despite the fact I suffered all types of abuse at the hands of my mother- many of these women were way worse than I was. One of them had their mother repeatedly kill their cats- because she didn't want them to love anything or anyone else but her.

 

My mother actually let her husband get away with trying to molest me and then told me later that because he put me through private school that shouldn't matter. In other words I should have done it with him because he'd put me through private school. :sick:

 

Since you're not sure you can act right now insulate him anyway you can- spend as much time with him as you can so he can get nuturing from one parent at least. Be alert for any signs of abuse and if she does begin to abuse him (the worst is the verbal and emotional) then act immediately.