How do you know when you need to go from "unhappily married" to separating?

[Decisiontomake]

This is my first post, so I shall tell my story and be as brief as possible.

I have been married to my husband for 14 years, together for 17. Have two children, 13 and 10. I have always been the more driven one in our relationship, with my husband being a passenger rather than a driver. This has historically complimented our marriage as two of me, or two of him would be disastrous! The problem is, the gap between us is continuing to grow in terms of his over all lethargy versus my energy. This is a simplistic way of explaining it, but is the most nutshell approach I can think of.

We have, as have most marriages, had our ups and downs along the way. My husband had an affair 8 years ago that lasted a few months. We managed to get over that with counseling and in fact seemed to be stronger for it, than we had been before.

I just feel completely detached from him and although I am fond of him and having feelings for him because of our history, I see that we are heading towards separating. Even typing that makes me feel so sick though and I am worried that I am staying for all the wrong reasons: don't want to be alone, am scared of the consequences on our children, it's a "habit" to be with him etc.

I guess I'm rambling a bit now, but having found this forum it looks like there are lots of you who are still, or have been where I am and I'd appreciate hearing some of your stories, or gaining some of your guidance to help. Thanks everyone.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I might be in the minority, but I think you have to earn the right to separate by (at least making an attempt at) working through all of the issues in the marriage first.

 

I am not sure why I assume this, but I have a funny feeling that if you shared with him your thoughts that you posted above, he might decide to shape up a little...

 

Maybe I am a dreamer but I think any long term marriage, especially one where there are kids involved, deserves more than just the simple, "we'll, it'll be better for everyone if we just separate," attitude that seems so common these days. I have been guilty of thinking that way too, it's so easy to think that it is a good option...

[Decisiontomake]

I might be in the minority, but I think you have to earn the right to separate by (at least making an attempt at) working through all of the issues in the marriage first.

 

I couldn't agree with you more. When I first started to see/feel things going a little wrong, I booked us into an MC as this had been a successful route for us before. We had a good session, and were then sent away with a book to read before we could go to the next session and start the actual "work". The book is 250 pages long. I read it in a week (even though I run a company and work long hours). He is up to page 150. We had the counseling session in September. This is a little indicator of why I feel his lethargy/lack of application is becoming a huge problem between us.

 

I am not sure why I assume this, but I have a funny feeling that if you shared with him your thoughts that you posted above, he might decide to shape up a little...

 

I have sat him down on more than one occasion, looked him calmly in the eye, and literally begged him to help me save the marriage. He cries, hugs me, says he can't imagine life without me, but can't seem to get a grip or shove himself forward. His level of contentment seems to be set way below mine, and he seems happy just to "be" in the marriage with the same surroundings and routines we've had for the previous 17 years. He knows where he is to blame for certain elements (as do I for myself), but my personality forces me to take action on them, his just believes it will "blow over" if he procrastinates enough. I have even told him I have sat looking at apartments for him and whilst that shocks him into action for about 3 days, it weans quickly.

 

Maybe I am a dreamer but I think any long term marriage, especially one where there are kids involved, deserves more than just the simple, "we'll, it'll be better for everyone if we just separate," attitude that seems so common these days. I have been guilty of thinking that way too, it's so easy to think that it is a good option...

 

My marriage, and the vows I took are important to me. I am not saying this harshly in response to your quote - I simply want to make sure that the forum understands I am not sat here looking to throw in the towel lightly. I would give anything to make him step up, which is ultimately what I'm looking for him to do at this stage. I have carried him in multiple ways throughout our married life together, and have done so willingly out of the love I had for him during those periods. I'm looking for the same back from him now and his personality just doesn't seem capable of realizing how important it is for him to do so. I feel as though we just looking for two very different things from our marriage, which comes back to his level of contentment/lethargy versus mine. I hope that makes sense

[alicia79]

I tend to agree with the above poster. Of course I'm no one to tell you what to do. It's your decision. I think you should at least tell him how you are feeling and give him a chance to make amends before you call it quits. I know I've fallen in and out of love with my ex. I think everyone goes through that when they have been with someone a long time.

 

Anyway good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[reddog63]

This is my first post, so I shall tell my story and be as brief as possible.

I have been married to my husband for 14 years, together for 17. Have two children, 13 and 10. I have always been the more driven one in our relationship, with my husband being a passenger rather than a driver. This has historically complimented our marriage as two of me, or two of him would be disastrous! The problem is, the gap between us is continuing to grow in terms of his over all lethargy versus my energy. This is a simplistic way of explaining it, but is the most nutshell approach I can think of.

We have, as have most marriages, had our ups and downs along the way. My husband had an affair 8 years ago that lasted a few months. We managed to get over that with counseling and in fact seemed to be stronger for it, than we had been before.

I just feel completely detached from him and although I am fond of him and having feelings for him because of our history, I see that we are heading towards separating. Even typing that makes me feel so sick though and I am worried that I am staying for all the wrong reasons: don't want to be alone, am scared of the consequences on our children, it's a "habit" to be with him etc.

I guess I'm rambling a bit now, but having found this forum it looks like there are lots of you who are still, or have been where I am and I'd appreciate hearing some of your stories, or gaining some of your guidance to help. Thanks everyone.

 

There is a book I would recommend reading.........Too good to leave, too bad to stay........by Mira Kirshenbaum

[alicia79]

My marriage, and the vows I took are important to me. I am not saying this harshly in response to your quote - I simply want to make sure that the forum understands I am not sat here looking to throw in the towel lightly. I would give anything to make him step up, which is ultimately what I'm looking for him to do at this stage. I have carried him in multiple ways throughout our married life together, and have done so willingly out of the love I had for him during those periods. I'm looking for the same back from him now and his personality just doesn't seem capable of realizing how important it is for him to do so. I feel as though we just looking for two very different things from our marriage, which comes back to his level of contentment/lethargy versus mine. I hope that makes sense

Sorry we posted at about the same time. If you've told him how you feel and he isn't willing to work on things or do his fair share that's a different story. There is only so much one person can do.

 

I know I stayed with my stbxh for many years longer than I should have because I was afraid to be alone and didn't feel like I had a good enough reason to leave, especially since we have a child. Well, over the last few months he's given me plenty of reasons to go.

 

Sorry to jump to conclusions or be judgemental. If you're here posting I'm sure you have given this a lot of thought and just looking for an objective point of view.

 

Maybe you could suggest mc. If he isn't willing to go, well...there you go. He really isn't willing to work on things. Even if you ultimately split the counseling might be good to open up communication. If you have kids you will always be in contact with him...at least for many more years.

[Decisiontomake]

There is a book I would recommend reading.........Too good to leave, too bad to stay........by Mira Kirshenbaum

 

Thanks - I have just reserved a copy that I can pick up from my local Barnes & Noble on the way home.

[Decisiontomake]

Sorry we posted at about the same time. If you've told him how you feel and he isn't willing to work on things or do his fair share that's a different story. There is only so much one person can do.

 

I know I stayed with my stbxh for many years longer than I should have because I was afraid to be alone and didn't feel like I had a good enough reason to leave, especially since we have a child. Well, over the last few months he's given me plenty of reasons to go.

 

Sorry to jump to conclusions or be judgemental. If you're here posting I'm sure you have given this a lot of thought and just looking for an objective point of view.

 

Maybe you could suggest mc. If he isn't willing to go, well...there you go. He really isn't willing to work on things. Even if you ultimately split the counseling might be good to open up communication. If you have kids you will always be in contact with him...at least for many more years.

 

Thanks for re-posting Alicia - I didn't take your original post the wrong way - I figured we must have been posting at the same time and you hadn't seen my response!

 

He really is a lovely guy and I never wanted to see myself getting divorced but I just can't get through to him. This has been going on for about 2 years now with this awful underlying feeling of dis-contentment on so many levels. I really hate it and I work really hard not to listen to it most of the time. I used to tell myself that all marriages go through bad patches and that as long as the good times outweighed them overall, then that was OK. It's not even like our bad times are that "bad" - we're not screaming and shouting at each other - co-existing fairly well, but that's really all it is: co-existing. It's so terribly sad.

 

Thanks for your responses. I have a feeling I might be on this board quite a bit over the coming weeks and months.

[alicia79]

Thanks for re-posting Alicia - I didn't take your original post the wrong way - I figured we must have been posting at the same time and you hadn't seen my response!

 

He really is a lovely guy and I never wanted to see myself getting divorced but I just can't get through to him. This has been going on for about 2 years now with this awful underlying feeling of dis-contentment on so many levels. I really hate it and I work really hard not to listen to it most of the time. I used to tell myself that all marriages go through bad patches and that as long as the good times outweighed them overall, then that was OK. It's not even like our bad times are that "bad" - we're not screaming and shouting at each other - co-existing fairly well, but that's really all it is: co-existing. It's so terribly sad.

 

Thanks for your responses. I have a feeling I might be on this board quite a bit over the coming weeks and months.

 

Oh man do I know what you mean about just co-existing. We went through several years of that. It really starts to wear you down after a while. It just sucks all of the happiness out of you.

 

The book recommended above is a good one. Wish I had followed it's advice a year ago. Instead I decided to stick it out, and finally I guess my ex had had enough of the simply co-existing and decided to go outside the marriage to get his needs met.

[Decisiontomake]

Oh man do I know what you mean about just co-existing. We went through several years of that. It really starts to wear you down after a while. It just sucks all of the happiness out of you.

 

The book recommended above is a good one. Wish I had followed it's advice a year ago. Instead I decided to stick it out, and finally I guess my ex had had enough of the simply co-existing and decided to go outside the marriage to get his needs met.

 

Sounds so stupid to say it, but I'd actually rather one of us be having an affair as that actually gives you something to focus on as the cause/symptom/event that makes you face up to changes. This ongoing degeneration of things is just unbareable as there's always a "if I just sit it out it will get better", "it's a phase" script going around in my head.

 

Not sure of your situation as haven't read any of your threads on here, but we survived an affair (of his) some years back and it is possible. It all sucks tho

[Decisiontomake]

Just had another really random thought to explain where I'm at. Have you watched the movie Mrs Doubtfire? Not the first one that springs to mind I'm sure, but my kids were watching it over the last few weeks and there is a scene in there where the wife just blurts out "I want a divorce" and goes on to explain all the things I feel about where I'm at with my husband at the moment. I can't watch the movie now. I even shared that snippet with him too figuring he might go watch the bloody thing and have an unemotional delivery (ie from someone other than me) of what is going on.

[alicia79]

Just had another really random thought to explain where I'm at. Have you watched the movie Mrs Doubtfire? Not the first one that springs to mind I'm sure, but my kids were watching it over the last few weeks and there is a scene in there where the wife just blurts out "I want a divorce" and goes on to explain all the things I feel about where I'm at with my husband at the moment. I can't watch the movie now. I even shared that snippet with him too figuring he might go watch the bloody thing and have an unemotional delivery (ie from someone other than me) of what is going on.

 

Well if he isn't willing to listen or work on things maybe tell him one last time how you feel and suggest a seperation. Who knows maybe that will finally wake him up to the fact that you aren't happy and your needs aren't being met.

[mendsley]

I feel horrible for you Decisiontomake, I bet you feel cornered, at the end of your rope and looking for a directions and hoping what ever you do is the right way to do it.

 

My situation is a little different, but similar. My wife cheated on me (EA), she left me, and she will not have nothing to do with me.

 

I can honostly say that if she would of never left me I would of NEVER recognized what my flaws were. I am currently in individual counseling, I read as much as I can about relationships, try to learn how to treat a woman, how to be a better parent and I am learning a lot about myself.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is if he is not willing to REALLY work on the bettering the marriage then maybe a TEMPORARY seperation is needed.

 

Some time apart may be what he needs to realize things do need to change, maybe he will realize that being away from you is not what he really wants and he will work on changing.

 

I would caution, if you decide to seperate to work on the marriage than focus on the marriage. If you decide to seperate to lead to divorce than make sure he knows that.

 

GL

MIKE

[alphamale]

How do you know when you need to go from "unhappily married" to separating?

.

when you're happier by yourself than with your spouse

[Decisiontomake]

when you're happier by yourself than with your spouse

 

 

I wish it were that simple Alphamale. I have been with my husband since I was 17, for 18 years, which means he has been a part of my life longer than he hasn't - if that makes sense! I don't know if I would be happier by myself as I've not been by myself. A trial separation would allow me to figure that out, as well as give him time to re-assess the effort he wants to put towards our marriage, but with two kids involved I have to make sure I do what's right for them and do not confuse them with coming and going scenarios. If I were without children, I would have done the trial separation about six months ago. I've bought a book that someone suggested earlier on the thread, so I'm going to hide somewhere to read that over the next few days! Thanks for your input though.

[alphamale]

I wish it were that simple Alphamale.

it is THAT SIMPLE

[Decisiontomake]

it is THAT SIMPLE

 

Morning AlphaMale

It's great to have lots of different perspectives from this board, so I appreciate having your "bottom line" approach to add to them all. Let me put it another way for you: I am unhappy in the marriage and understand that as a relationship it's not working. However, in terms of levels of happiness, I am not 100% sure that it's better to be out of it because that brings the possibility of me being unhappy/ier because of the effect it might have on our children. Although I might feel personally as though the correct decision has been taken for me and the status of the relationship itself, it might not be the right decision for my kids (although please don't think I would stay *just* for that reason) - and therefore I might become unhappier out of it because of that fact. Make sense? That's why I feel in my opinion it's not that simple. If it were just me and him, I'd be out of it by now because your bottom line approach is true. Thanks again.

[alicia79]

See I was in a similar situation. Unhappy, but not sure if leaving the marriage would make me happier. I met my ex when I had just turned 19 and we'd been together ever since. I never lived on my own. I went strait from my parents to him. I had nothing to compare being married to.

 

Well like I said earlier read the book. It's a good one. I think a seperation could do you, and ultimately your relationship some good. You can take some time to find yourself again independent of your marriage, and hopefully your husband will realize there is some serious work to be done if he wants to be with you.

[Decisiontomake]

I thought I would check in here again as advice from those that are not emotionally involved in the situation seems like a good idea. Things have not improved for me in our marriage since my original post. More conversations have taken place about how I would like my OH to step up more, be more of a partner in the marriage/family life etc but it all seems to go in one ear and then straight out of the other.

I feel as though I have doomed the marriage now because he would have to do so much to make it better, and I just don't think he can do it. I have been reading some of the other posts on here, looking for inspiration with regard to how people finally make decisions etc but it's almost like I feel we are simply incompatible now. I'm not sure he'll ever be what I need at this stage in my life, or over the future years and I don't want to doom us both to that kind of existence. Don't get me wrong, I feel dreadful and sick and all those horrible feelings when I think of separating as I still have a great deal of affection for him but I just feel like I'm flogging a dead horse.

We are co-existing, no arguments and not horrible atmosphere or anything, but nothing else either - no sex all this year (he's on meds that have taken away his sex drive), no outings together, no great show of effort on his part, no enthusiasm to re-engage on mine. It just seems like we're dying on our feet and I don't seem capable of facing what I feel is the inevitable.

[CM2009]

I have a question, what would you want him to do in terms of "stepping up?" I just want to know because for one I'm in a similar situation with my wife, she wanted to seperate.

[Decisiontomake]

I have a question, what would you want him to do in terms of "stepping up?" I just want to know because for one I'm in a similar situation with my wife, she wanted to seperate.

 

Stepping up for me is about:

• Being a partner in the marriage, not a passenger
  
• Being actively involved in the decisions that form our day to day lives (like controlling/budgeting our finances) through to larger decisions such as in which Country we live (we're Brits but living in the US)
  
• Making the effort to be educated on what my job entails so that when I have a problem or need to vent, there's an educated support coming from him
  

These are very specific to my situation and it may be that you offer all of the above already. My husband and I are simply becoming incompatible and he seems incapable of doing anything about that. It will be such a shame that the lessons we've learnt in this marriage will not benefit it, but will more likely benefit the next relationship (although the thought of being with someone else is completely and utterly alien to me having been with my husband since I was 17). I'm sure you know what I mean though - I know I would be different in the next relationship and ultimately wouldn't facilitate someone being a passenger by overly nurturing, or taking control. He, I presume, might actually realise he needs to pull his weight more and hey ho, the new partners get a smoother ride.

[SRV]

Tell it to him just as you have laid down over here.

 

It is no guarantee that the next relationship will benefit from this, 70% of second marriages end up in divorce.

[stuckinoz]

I might be in the minority, but I think you have to earn the right to separate by (at least making an attempt at) working through all of the issues in the marriage first.

 

Maybe I am a dreamer but I think any long term marriage, especially one where there are kids involved, deserves more than just the simple, "we'll, it'll be better for everyone if we just separate," attitude that seems so common these days. I have been guilty of thinking that way too, it's so easy to think that it is a good option...

 

I agree 100%. My husband & I did separate - in the beginning it (for me) was FOR GOOD! But after a few months of being apart, we realized that it really wasn't what we wanted afterall. Continued to live apart for the better part of a year & now are back together. The grass IS NOT greener on the other side of the septic tank

What you said decisiontomake.......Stepping Up: Being a partner not a passanger......(that was part of our problems too & until we were apart, my husband didn't get it!) He does nowwwww!!!

Good Luck to you ~ wHATEVER YOU DECIDE

[dgiirl]

Stepping up for me is about:

• Being a partner in the marriage, not a passenger
  
• Being actively involved in the decisions that form our day to day lives (like controlling/budgeting our finances) through to larger decisions such as in which Country we live (we're Brits but living in the US)
  
• Making the effort to be educated on what my job entails so that when I have a problem or need to vent, there's an educated support coming from him
  

 

I'm not sure if you told your husband these requests and if you used these exact words or not. Assuming you did, then to be fair to your husband, I think you really really need to define exactly what each of those things mean.

 

For instance, "Being a partner in the marriage". No offense, but what the heck does that mean? It's very flowery with no specifics. Men and women talk and think very differently. He might think that means coming home from work on time without drinking with the boys, and you might think it means romance and flowers. He's trying to meet your needs from his interpretation of what that means, and yet you're needs are not being met.

 

You need to give specific actions your husband and you need to do. Ie, do you want more romance and private time with him? Then I would tell him that "We need to plan more romance. One day out of the week, I will plan a night out. The next week you will plan a night out". Men tend to need a very clear plan of action. Dont be afraid to connect the dots really clearly. And then, when he does plan a night out, it's your responsibility to appreciate his effort and to draw happiness from it.

 

Very often we women want something to happen, and then when we receive it, we dont draw as much happiness as we wanted to. Women are notorious for wanting something, without wanting to ask for it, and so we never do and then the men are sitting here clueless as to our wants. And then when we get so frustrated and finally ask for something, and if they give it to us, we're not happy because we had to ask for it.

 

It does sound like your husband is very passive in the marriage. You need to get him actively involved. For instance, with regards to the book he's been putting on hold to read. I would talk to your husband, tell him you understand he's busy and when he gets home from work, he wants to relax, BUT can he agree to a reasonable date, a month or two from now, ask him for a date, that he will finish the book? Once he agrees, do not say a single thing about the book until that date? Once the date has come, ask him if he's read the book? If he hasnt (and he probably wont the first or second time), I would remind him that you've kept your mouth shut the whole time (havent "nagged" him) and that it's not fair and that you are hurt that he didnt read the book. I would again tell him that you understand that he's busy, but will he give another reasonable date he'll agree to read the book? Again, give him the time, without saying another thing. It might take one or two more times, but I think you will see a change in his personality. It worked for my exh and I during our separation.

 

Women need to learn how to ask for very specific things, and we need to learn to be patient and give men the time to do it. If one partner is sitting their nagging the other, you are going to create a parent-child relationship where one is always rebelling.

 

I'm not sure if you've done all this, it's hard to know your story from the little you've said. Hopefully this is food for thought.

[carhill]

OP, questions:

 

1. What is your biggest fear if you stay married?

 

2. What is your biggest fear if you filed for separation/divorce today?

 

Write those down and show/tell them to your H. Clearly and precisely. No buts or howevers.

 

Listen. Don't interrupt.

 

Then, take the action which best describes the relationship between the two questions ,your answers and what you hear from him. Unilateral action. Proactive measures. Whatever they are. You decide.

 

Be enabling his passivity and allowing him to care the least, you've given him all the control. Time to take it back