bean1 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I'm a mid-20's girl who has dreamed about walking down the aisle forever! BUT... Why does it matter? I'm starting to question this. In Quebec, it's not common for couples to get married anymore. They have the committed relationship, the children, the house, etc. Women can't take their husbands last names either (since the law is a different, thanks Trudeau). Yet, friends, cousins, and siblings are all happy. No ring through. I grew up in a culture where marriage is expected before age 20, yet here I am, quite happy in my relationship and thinking - does it REALLY matter? What do you guys think about this? Rather than assuming a man is a "commitment phobe", is it that a wedding is not needed to prove anything? Maybe because I'm getting older, my perspective is changing. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I have never believed in marriage.. I've never been married... marriage is for the religious... it's only a piece of paper.. Marriage is a big waste of energy and money... it doesn't guarantee happiness... sometimes it does the opposite effect. I've known couples who lived common-law many years.. got married (even after 2-3 kids) and then separated within the next 2 years. I absolutely see no benefits (except for pension) in marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Marriage is meant for two people who truly love each other. For a couple that can't be without each other. This happens more than you think, but its not meant for a couple who are just in love - you can be in love with your gf and not want to be married. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you should get married - its a serious thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Serious??? .. not necessary... I think even common-law is serious.. marriage is also serious.. but it gets serious only if you have children.. other than that.. it's more of a hassle than anything else.. when children are concerned, it's more dramatic. (I mean when the partners separate) Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I'm married, and I never thought I would be. I am not religious at all, my H and I are both atheists. Yes, our wedding was expensive, (although relatively speaking it was pretty low key), but it was one of the best days of our lives. There is something pretty cool about committing to eachother in front of all your family and friends and then having a party in your honour. Our families and friends were so happy to be able to share that with us. As for "being married", things aren't that different from when we just "lived together" but our R is very secure and happy, (and it probably would have been had we not got married) and we are now having a baby. I don't know if there was a "point" per se to us getting married- but I am glad we did, its a nice feeling, and its definitely enhanced our R. I quite like my diamonds too. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I think perhaps if we hadn't wanted kids then we may not have bothered, but we did, and marriage definitely offers more stability and protection to kids and the parents on the event of a breakup. I think it provides more of an incentive to stay together and work on your R during the tough times too, although the way some people hop in and out of marriages that is debatable I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Serious??? .. not necessary... I think even common-law is serious.. marriage is also serious.. but it gets serious only if you have children.. other than that.. it's more of a hassle than anything else.. when children are concerned, it's more dramatic. (I mean when the partners separate) Never been married, but practice is all good. Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome84 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I have never believed in marriage.. I've never been married... marriage is for the religious... it's only a piece of paper.. Marriage is a big waste of energy and money... it doesn't guarantee happiness... sometimes it does the opposite effect. I've known couples who lived common-law many years.. got married (even after 2-3 kids) and then separated within the next 2 years. I absolutely see no benefits (except for pension) in marriage. AMEN!!! Amen!!! Link to post Share on other sites
manugeorge Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I think marriage is less about the couple than it is about society. Societal expectations, norms, traditions, etc. When you're married, you're "legitimate" somehow, in the eyes of the law, your friends, your family, etc. Nobody really cares about the day-to-day or even if you're truly committed or not. As long as you've worn that white dress and that ring is on your finger. That "legitimacy" is what people strive for. I don't blame them really. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 OP, If your bf asks you to marry him (I presume you are female) what is your answer and why? Link to post Share on other sites
tamrood Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Unfortunately I think my W's answer to this question is "Financial Security". Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 I asked this question myself: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t182365/ I still haven't really seen a satisfactory answer. I think it may be an outdated concept. Who knows - maybe one day I'll change my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 I believe that marriage is our clumsy human attempt to own (or at least stake a claim on) the object of our desire, so that we can retain those "in-love" feelings, which are incomparable to anything else we experience in life. Unfortunately, that doesn't work. But if the structure of marriage helps keep love going when it otherwise probably wouldn't, then more power to the participants!! However, most of the time that is not the case. Claustrophobia sets in and we start resenting our mate for tying us down... or simply getting bored stiff with them... or taking them for granted, for the security that marriage provides. Years down the road, you find yourself having to work really hard just to treat each other decently. And for a lot of people, it just isn't worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 On a relationship advice forum (where most people come because they are having troubles with their marriages/ relationships) I think you are going to get a negatively biased opinion on marriage. While there are some happily married people on here, the majority aren't, and that skews your answers. If you want a true representation of the population at larges opinions on marriage you might want to ask a wider audience. Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 sb129, i wanted to say congratulations on your baby. you probably don't 'know' me, but i remember seeing several of your posts on the Getting Married forum. to the OP: i believe that, in many ways, marriage is simply what you make it. to some, it's a religious binding that lasts beyond life, to others it seems like no more than an extended dating period, and to some, it's just a piece of paper that might give them a tax break. i am an atheist, and already raising children with my intended (our own new baby boy, and his older daughter from a previous relationship). we have lived together for a few years now, joint bank accounts, joint health insurance, all the trappings of a marriage...in some ways, calling him my 'fiance,' now seems kind of silly, because it almost undermines the seriousness of our relationship, as we are already partners, and the term fiance seems to connote something younger, more separate. but planning my wedding to him is still an exciting time for me, because i do feel like being married to him will add another layer onto our already-serious relationship. it will make our already-existing family a more formalized legal entity, for one thing. i see it as a deeper commitment to one another than we have ever made before and like the idea that we are essentially taking responsibility for one another in this world; i have lived with previous boyfriends but never had a child with or married one before, although i have rejected proposals in the past, and he, although he takes care of his daughter and respects her mother, has never entertained the idea of marriage before, either. as for romantic connotations, marriage might be largely symbolic, but as a writer i tend to think in symbolic terms, and to me it feels like a truer joining. there are legal and tax benefits that don't hurt either. however, a lot of people find the concept of marriage outdated. that's fine with me, and i can see where they're coming from...but i am personally glad i didn't end up with one of those people. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Thanks Stung, we are pretty happy about it too! i like your attitude towards marriage, that pretty much sums up how we feel about it too. And weddings are fun! Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelybird Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I've heard someone said "marriage is not for own happiness, but for holiness", he meant that God can use marriage to shape the man and woman to become other serving and less self centered, like iron sharpen iron, the more years take, the more mature their love is (based on they are willingly to sacrifice own benefits in order for the good of the other) I didn't have a good opinion about marriage. My parents had lots of issues and ups and downs, my mother told me "all men aren't trustworthy", but recent years I saw their relationship turned to sweetness, both my parents changed in the recent two years, I can see that they really really care about each other deeply, they did so in the past but now the issues went always slowly, I have to thank God for this, my view about marriage changed, in a good way If someone want the marriage, it won't be easy SOMETIMES, but if you are committed to it, it will taste like wine, assume that you find someone who is committed to the good marriage same as you Marriage is a determination that both of you want to commit to your relationship no matter thick or thin, assume that those who vowed take their vows seriously So to me, marriage shows how much they want to commit, no open door left behind Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Well, I don't agree with the holiness part, but I DO agree with this part, I like the part in bold especially. I Marriage is a determination that both of you want to commit to your relationship no matter thick or thin, assume that those who vowed take their vows seriously So to me, marriage shows how much they want to commit, no open door left behind Link to post Share on other sites
Xodius Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Seriously I think the guy who said that Marriage is for the religious is wrong. Though it was created through religion. Given the the fact that I believe 100% in what I am saying, I am not putting it on any of you athiests out there. So Marriage between man and woman is ordained by God. He married Adam and Eve and they started having kids. The family unit, the mother, father, and children were meant to be together. You can't have a spouse unless you get married. Imagine this though... you go through life being "TOGETHER" but when you both die, spiritually speaking you see eachother, but you can never be together like that again? That is what most all religions believe, EXCEPT Mormonism. They believe that if you want your marriage to continue and your family to be sealed together after this life, that you must be sealed in the temple by priesthood authority. Marriage is the road one would take if they are serious with spending "eternity" with them in our religion. It is the most IMPORTANT decision you make in your life and it isn't one that should be taken lightly. We marry for good and then do our best to olive for the other person and to make them happy. The world teaches 50/50 but we teach 100/100. You can't just give half and they will give the other... the fact is married couples will always have problems and we will always make mistakes, but its the fact that we try to delete those mistakes from happening again. If you want to know more about eternal families, check out http://www.mormon.org. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 It communicates to yourself, each other, and the whole world your commitment, seriousness, and devotion to each other. It forms a legal and spiritual (not necessarily religious) union, in which two people choose to commit to nurturing each other's personal and spiritual growth and their own. That's how I see it. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I think perhaps if we hadn't wanted kids then we may not have bothered, but we did, and marriage definitely offers more stability and protection to kids and the parents on the event of a breakup. I think it provides more of an incentive to stay together and work on your R during the tough times too, although the way some people hop in and out of marriages that is debatable I suppose. I don't know if I want to get married (I'm not even attached though, if I was in love I might think differently); but SB I like your positive perspective...it's rare to hear about how marriage can BETTER your relationship, compared to all the bad reports I've heard. If more people would see it this way, there might be less divorcing going on Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Though it was created through religion. Given the the fact that I believe 100% in what I am saying, I am not putting it on any of you athiests out there. even though you proceeded to do just that. So Marriage between man and woman is ordained by God. No, it isn't. It is a legally binding agreement between the two people wanting to get married and the government of the country they live in. God is an optional "extra". God had NOTHING to do with our marriage, there was no mention of any kind of deity whatsover- yet we are still legally married. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts