Eleven Years down the drain

[Sincere1948]

[sIZE=4]Dealing With Marital Hard Feelings[/sIZE]

 

 

It goes without saying that this marriage has not been without its rough spots. Almost from the start the honeymoon was over with my wife's declaration that my approach to sex “turned her off”. Although she couldn't really verbalize what exactly was her problem, it boiled down to her feeling that I wasn't showing her enough respect or courtesy when it came to approaching her over sex.

 

 

We struggled with this problem until the next sexual complaint arose which was her view that she wasn't a “sexual wildcat” and that I would just have to take my chances with trying to arouse her. This was interspersed with comments about how the smell of sex made her sick. In other, disconnected conversations she shared with me about her ex and the problems that came up sexually between him and her, that eventually led to their divorce. She would ominously point out that our marriage could be damaged by my insistence on sex.

 

 

At that same time she routinely makes her own coarse comments such as “Why don't you just pop it in and get it over with so I can watch this program”. Not very caring or romantic either. When told she had said this she denies saying anything of the sort, a pattern that continues until today. Almost as if there were two different people simultaneously acting within her.

 

 

Fast forward another year and she reveals that she now has allergies to contact with my semen. Itching and hives. Her complaints grow and grow leading up to her stating that the allergy could possibly “kill her” and that by insisting on sex I might be placing her life in mortal danger. During lovemaking I would find her staring at me with a disgusted look on her face. Also, she rarely took part in sex, occasionally stroking my back. If I placed her hand on me she would touch briefly and then move her hand away.

 

 

The allergy gets worse and she continues to press that there may be something wrong with my body chemistry. I get checked and then checked again for STD's but nothing. My semen is tested but nothing out of the ordinary is found. At the same time she complains that having any contact with me causes her to have hives and wonders whether it is also my perspiration. She gets tests on allergies and nothing is found. By this time, sex for us is very tenative and I withdraw as soon as I feel myself approaching orgasm for fear of touching her with my semen. Once completed she heads for the washroom, cleans herself thoroughly and then is off to bed.

 

 

Throughout it all I have experimented in foreplay when she has tolerated it. She doesn't show any preferences at all seeming to be of the mind that “if it amuses you...” and essentially is withdrawn throughout. When I've referred to this sort of thing she simply denies that I've tried any such thing.

 

 

At the same time she complains that I am not romantic enough, and that she craves gentle contact, but she neglects to recognize that the same contact she 'craves' is what she complains about when she gets is touched. Things turn into a vicious circle. She isn't getting enough affection, when I show her affection she puts me off. When I approach her sexually she is distant, passive-aggressive and impatient. She complains that my extra weight “subtracts and inch” of penetration but she refuses to acknowledge the she has added more girth than me by a good measure.

 

 

Since she only has one ovary she states that her interest in sex is waning due to menopause and she doesn't want to take hormones because they can lead to cancer. Fast forward a couple years and she gets breast cancer in the very early stages. Her decision (which I supported) is to have a radical mastectomy. Although the surgery leaves her in physically attractive condition, all of her nerve endings have been taken with the surgery and she no longer has feeling in her chest areas. Likewise, the tummy tuck she received takes away the nerves in her waist. This basically removes any physical erogenous areas.

 

 

Then she begins with the chemotherapy pills. She says that they have totally removed any interest in sex for her and that she is always dehydrated so she is unable to even lubricate her pelvic region. We experiment with KY jelly but by this time she is totally inert as a partner, just content to lay motionless while I try to consummate the act. No response at all except impatience. She complains that I am not able to do full frontal sex continuously however our combined weights prevent any deep penetration. She is now refusing to be approached from behind stating that the only way she will do sex is frontally (ergo, not at all).

 

 

Through all this we went to counseling for periods of up to several years in duration. During the counseling, as long as the focus was on me and on “all of my problems” she seemed to enjoy going. Whenever the topic shifted onto her she would clam up and simply not participate. Finally, the counselor began to zero in on her past and the possibility of family issues having a role in our problems. At that point she announced that by my pressing for us to attend counseling I was destroying our marriage and that we needed to stop right away – which we did since it didn't make any sense for me to go alone. I ask her about my needs and feelings and she won't even respond to the question.

 

 

Today it is over a year since I've even attempted sex with her. I've basically abandoned any hope of having a normal, physical relationship with her. I've tried to discuss this with her and she basically dismisses my feelings. I am in the situation where I don't believe there were ever any feelings for me with her. She tolerated sex in order to bring about our marriage and as soon as it was established she set to work to remove it from our lives. I have been patient and have tried to work in good faith with her as a marriage partner and have found that my feelings and needs were consistently ignored and brushed aside. Basically I am a services supplier for her.

 

 

Her various approaches seemed to me to be coming from two angles. First the guilt angle in order to manipulate me, and secondly from the angle of simply eliminating the nasty act from the menu of possible things she might be asked to do. She seemed to pride herself on “being a good wife” and it would be out of character for her to say “not tonight, I have a headache”. However it is very much in character for her to use various ploys to maneuver things into the state it is today. Perhaps she even congratulates herself for her many strokes of brilliance in being able to navigate things this far.

 

 

I believe that there are some deep, dark secrets that have remained hidden and that she would rather resort to all levels of avoidance and scheming than to simply work in good faith to find a resolution to this.

 

 

I have found her to be selfish, vain and highly hypocritical. Despite her efforts to always act “sweet and gentle” there is a withdrawn, cold and calculating side to her that cares only about herself. When she is angered she can swear with the best drunken sailor. Ten minutes later she denies it all and claims she never uses such words.

 

 

It is a sad admission, but after more than ten years of playing this game of hide and seek, one becomes very tired of playing games, especially when the marriage is at stake.

[sxyNYCcpl]

Wow.

 

Just wow.

 

It seems to me your first mistake was marrying a woman that you had never had sex with, though I concede I'm not completely certain that is the case. The bit about being allergic to your semen seems like complete bull**** to me. She wants the benefits of a marriage, but is so completely married to the idea that "good girls" don't like sex that she's willing to say or do anything to avoid it.

 

Losing her is the best thing that could ever happen to you. Only advice I can give you is to make sure she knows that there isn't a single male on the planet who would be interested in her idea of a relationship. I doubt it, but it just may make her rethink.

[whichwayisup]

which we did since it didn't make any sense for me to go alone.

 

Go alone. Seriously..It'll help YOU, even if she's not there.

 

This is a very sad situation, combo that with some bad luck (sorry to hear about her breast cancer) and stubborn wife who won't put in effort to change things so your marriage can be better, everyone here can understand your frustration..

 

You have afew options. Divorce, separation, keep trying to fix things, or possibly talk about having an open marriage. Lay it ALL out on the line for her and tell her exactly what you're feeling inside and why. If you can't talk to her face to face, then write her a hand written letter.

 

Do you have children?

[Sincere1948]

We have a blended family with seven grown kids (four on her side, three on mine), along with eleven grandchildren.

[Sincere1948]

Regarding sex before marriage - there was a lot of it and it was great. Coming off a protracted and bad divorce I loved it. We had some ups and downs before finally tying the knot, but it looked like we had resolved most of the problems when we did. Unfortunately, these weeds have slowly crept into the garden.

 

Regarding kids, we have a blended family with seven grown kids (four on her side, three on mine), along with eleven grandchildren. We live in an area surrounded by her family and her extended family. My family is scattered across the US so I'm basically alone here with her except for occasional trips to see my children.

[Heroic]

sxynyccpl...When the divorce rate is approaching over 50% and most couples have had sex before marriage maybe your observations about sex before marriage are meritless...

 

I have sex with my wife 5-9 times a week at age 40 after 9 years of marriage and I married as a virgin.

 

Sincere1948, It's pretty obvious that your wife does not love you. Since you are a stand up guy I would think about finding a good divorce attorney as the other options aren't for a man of your caliber.

[Sam Spade]

I would have strangled her with my bare hands, while fully aware of the legal repercussions.

 

I realise that this is not helpful in any way, but you need to get a divorce and send her to a mental institution (paid for by her parents)

[LovieDove24]

Are you sure your wife isn't seeing someone on the side or possibly even a lesbian or something? I know these are quite extreme suggestions but you know the excuses shes spewing are NOT the reason behind her withdrawl. And unless she has a history of sexual abuse no amount of terrible family history makes someone not want to have sex. My condolences if she has and sexual abuse IS the root reason behind this.

 

But in any case , she's lying to you. Allergic to your semen? Itchy from your sweat and pheremones? Puh-lease. The minute you typed that, you knew it was all B.S.

 

You say she complains about lack of intimacy, I'm guessing its a lack of emotional intimacy that shes missing because obviously shes puttin up all the stop signs with the physical aspect. A lot of times I feel emotionally intimate with someone when they just "get" me. Also a lot of times this connection comes during communication and non-verbals like head nods, constant eye contact and reinforcing facial expressions. Again this is for me personally, but these types of things DO make me feel connected with someone. Is this a part of your technique when being "emotionally intimate?"

 

I really feel for you though. This woman fooled you straight out the gate and she has used you in the worst kind of way. Great sex life before marriage and now nothing for over a year? Not cool, not cool at all.

[Enema]

You know what you need to do, sounds like you just want the opinion confirmed by objective observers.

 

Well, consider it confirmed. I'm just surprised you stuck it out this long :0

[CaliforniaGirl]

I know I'm new here and maybe shouldn't be making such a dramatic declaration right off the bat, but I can't help it...your whole description of your wife's reactions just SCREAMS "past sexual abuse".

 

I'd bet my left ovary that your wife was abused on an ongoing basis at a young point in her life.

 

Just not being in love with you and/or just not being cold, etc. do NOT justify the absolute extremes, even to the point of claiming she's allergic to your semen.

 

And the immediate reaction that you weren't approaching her respectfully was another tipoff, at least IMO.

 

Sex before marriage might not have triggered her anger/disgust reaction simply because you were "courting" her and therefore probably WERE very respectful, etc. Not that you weren't afterward, but...being married, she may have felt (again, from her own inner workings, not necessarily from anything you did) that you were imprinting ownership on her with it. To put it another way: when you were dating, you were asking her first before the sex; once married, she saw it as, you were taking the sex, period, the end. And that is a huge, huge trigger for a past abuse victim.

 

I don't want to go into any more details than that...and I'm not saying you should stay with her; you're unhappy, and she has to want to work on her own problems...but if you're wondering "why" all this has happened, well, I'd bet dollars to donuts she was abused in the past.

 

I'm sorry.