Why can dumpers ignore you, and not be bothered?

[exclusive.]

How can someone who dumps you, after a long relationship - just have the ability to ignore you even when you are in great pain?

 

Don't worry, I am not begging my ex back - nor hurting so much anymore but the main thing that upsets me is after many weeks of NC, when I have tried to contact her - she cannot even grace me with a reply.

 

We were together for a year, I was with her whilst her dad had an affair on her mum and her mum tried committing suicide over it. I was there, cuddling her and making sure she was loved for just under a year.

 

She decides it is over and wants to be single, fair enough - but how can these people find it so easy to almost pretend the relationship didn't happen? That us, as dumpees, their ex's - were a big part of their life and cared for someone so much - are still existant.

 

If anything we are the ones who should be deciding to never contact the other, if anything. So how can these people do it? Is it the reality that we trully didnt mean much to their life - otherwise they would still be with us guess?

 

I never did anything to my ex to push her away, other than become needy because she was pulling away. To many people, they would think my love was a blessing. During our break up she described me as the 'nicest guy she has ever met' but now - Im dead to her.

 

I have had many people die in my life, including close relatives - to choose to make someone in your life 'dead' really dont know what a horrible choice that is, and I really dont know how they can make it and actively stick by it when choose to make someone 'dead' in your life really is not the only choice.

 

I'd like a discussion on this, whats other peoples thoughts?

[Beautiful Inside]

i dont know the answer other than they dont give a **** about you cus if they did love you sincerly they couldnt stand seeing you in pain or atleast would call to make sure your ok you know. its not right especially when youve been with somone for so long thats your best friend your other half how could you b cold to them after everything....r u kidding me....

[Charmaine_Champagne]

this is something i've been driving myself crazy with (see previous posts & feel free to comment) i just don't understand how you can be such a big part of someone's life (in my case 6 years) and then nothing. they can just cut you out, almost over night. do they not think about you, miss you, regret what they've done? do they just forget about everything you've shared and never even think of you? i've heard practically nothing from my ex and when i've tried to contact him he's pretended he didn't receive my msgs/emails (bull****).. its difficult for me to contemplate as this was a person who was at one point obsessed with me and i think of him all the time. how can they just forget all the great times you've shared?.. but back to the main question, i think in many cases after a period of time and given space man regret their decisions and try to crawl back.. tho i think in many cases the person who has ended it needs to ignore you as that is their way of getting over you and they need to do the whole no contact thing in order to move on . my ex told me he would rather never see me again and have no contact with me (after a break up) than be friends and be in contact now and again as it would be too painful and he wouldn't be able to deal with knowing what i'm up to or if i've met someone new. but in my case not knowing what he is up to is torture, if i knew maybe i could have closure and move on.. maybe some people are just heartless and selfish

[exclusive.]

That's exactly what I mean? When I broke NC it was to ask my ex after a couple of weeks how she felt after a month of NC;

 

Did she want to carry it on?

Did she feel she would try for friends again?

OR did she have major regrets?

 

A simple, Im sorry but this is really what I want to be single and to be apart but I really hope your okay.

 

If I then replied and kept bugging her, then all means ignore any annoying texts that are acts of desperation. But to be so cold and ignore the whole thing, I just couldnt do that to someone who I apparently cared about.

[Island Girl]

I could "ignore" it because I was over it. I was done. Those feelings that weren't "true love" had begun to wane long before the actual break up (at least on my side).

 

If there were residual feelings they weren't enough to want to maintain contact. And any amount of contact I learned was generally more painful for them just because they didn't want to know about me dating other people. They certainly didn't want to see it.

 

And when you have a couple of people who just refuse to let go - who end up stalking you or interrupting activities like dates or nights out with friends because they just want what they want - well it makes it a lot easier to just have a clean break and go completely NC.

[seductress989]

I am currently in my 2nd week of my required 60 day NC after dumped my b/f. I just dumped my b/f because I was tired of the pain and drama. I didn't even tell him that it was over. I just hung up the phone and that's been 2 weeks ago. I know how it sounds, harsh I get it. But we have been thru hell and back in the last year and a half. I don't want to know what's going to happen this year.....I'm afraid it could get worse.

 

Although I dumped him, I still think of him often but I have enough common sense and experience to know to give myself time. He has called me around 30 times in the past 2 weeks and even emailed me. This makes it extremely difficult for me to do NC but I have to. I hate to ignore him. It makes me feel like crap but I know that's what it takes.

 

I understand where your girl is coming from .....I think lol. Sometimes feelings change and you just need time to reflect and clarify what feelings you really do have for your ex. Just try to accept her decision for now and realize she's doing it so you and her can have a better future together.........

[D-Lish]

Sometimes, this is just the way certain people NEED to deal with a break up.

 

I doubt very much that she doesn't think of you, or remember the good times you've had. It is probably just a matter of needing to remain silent in order to heal.

 

If she answered you- she'd be starting a dialogue- and she may want to avoid doing so because I bet it hurts some for her as well.

 

I had an ex do this to me. Broke up with me over the phone and didn't speak to me or acknowledge me for 7 months. We finally did meet up almost a year after- and he acknowledged that it hurt, but he did it in order to heal.

 

Just because they are silent doesn't mean they have forgotten all about you. Of course they haven't forgotten. My bet is that she knows that you still have strong feelings and doesn't want to send you mixed messages by opening up a conversation. Give her some more time.

 

When you text her asking how she was feeling about the NC... you were basically feeling her out to get back together. If she's not ready to have that conversation- that is probably why she isn't answering.

 

As for the friends thing- don't even try to be friends with an ex. It never works out.... and it always draws out the pain. That's what NC is all about- healing. You can't heal when you remain entangled with your ex.

 

Sounds as if she had a rough year- also sounds as if you were her rock during that time. Perhaps she is experiencing some post traumatic stress following the rough year- what she went through is a lot to process. This could be about her wanting some space to figure some things out.

 

I'd move on with your life and do the things that make you happy.

You always have to approach a break up like it's over. If she decides to contact you at some point- you can deal with it then. But don't hope or expect it to happen- that's when you'll experience further disappointment.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting right now. Break ups suck.

[foxh1234]

I honestly think that they are doing us all a big favor by not contacting us or returning our calls. All contact will do is give the ones dumped, false hope and prolong their pain. Having an ex walk away and remain gone is the quickest way for both people involved to heal. I think it some cases, not all, it shows more caring then the ones who keep you on a hook and use you until they are over you. Just my opinion though.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

this is why my situation is confusing tho, my ex is blatantly ignoring me but every now and then i get a text or email saying 'why haven't i heard from you' or 'i've texted u and go no response' etc etc when i def texted him and emailed him and i'm 100% sure they sent, is this some kind of game to keep me dangling on? or is he trying to put the blame onto me to take way his guilt, wither way it's very cruel.. if he wanted rid of me and to ignore me, why send texts saying that i've been ignoring him when i haven't, why contact me at all?

 

(sorry to put the convo back to me me me, i'm not being selfish i'm just very confused and need as many opinions as possible- see earlier posts)

[mlh5046]

I just think sometimes people have a part of them inside. Some people have a part that will make them feel guilty about things some people will have a part that will make them let go of sins and things that are wrong. I always feel guilty when I let people down, even if I am hardly friends with them, I always feel the need to apologize and make things right. I really cannot sleep at night unless things are right. Some people don't care if they hurt someone else, which is the worst type of person. My dumper did it to me, and she wasnt like that all the relationship, but I knew she dealt with this decision a few weeks in advance so that is why it was easier for her.

But sometimes people just don't care, and hey you know what if they don't care about you f'em. I know its so hard, Im still goin through it, but the only way you will get your ex back or even get over your ex is say screw em. You can't let them mess with you. I just deleted my facebook the other day and it was the best decision I ever made I would RECOMMEND IT TO ANYONE TRYING TO MOVE ON. You have to say to yourself I can't let them beat me.

[D-Lish]

I honestly think that they are doing us all a big favor by not contacting us or returning our calls. All contact will do is give the ones dumped, false hope and prolong their pain. Having an ex walk away and remain gone is the quickest way for both people involved to heal. I think it some cases, not all, it shows more caring then the ones who keep you on a hook and use you until they are over you. Just my opinion though.

 

I have to agree with you.

The ones that keep you on the hook with those little crumbs here and there have much less respect for us than the ones that care enough to not give mixed messages or false hope.

 

A person that has dumped you, yet still checks in with those "where have you been".... They are baiting you and only looking to stroke their own ego. They may not want to be with you- but they still want confirmation that they can still affect you by getting a response from you. That's a mind f*** none of us need.

[Isolde]

Breaking up with someone is NOT the same as saying, "He's dead to me." I don't believe that forgetfulness is part of dealing with a breakup or loss of any kind. Ignorance is an entirely different thing, something that is sometimes necessary.

[gwynieatpain]

I can relate to your ex.

 

When I was 18 I had the toughest time in my whole life: My closest relative passed away, My dad abandoned my mother and I, I had to leave my mother and went study aboard... My bf at that time was with me and have been helping me through all these. We were together for 2.5 years and got along very well. I broke up with him because our relationship had reminded me too much about the sad memories. It was so overwhelming that exceeded the love I had for him. I know it was not fair. I told him how I felt and tried explaining there were no one's fault. It was only because I had to shut him as well as my past memory out of my life in order to heal. I was too young at that time, quarantined the whole thing including him was the only way out, and that way had made me stronger.

 

Believe me, she's also in pain.

 

You may think she's cold to make you 'dead' in her life. I'm know it hurts. But please give her time. Loving a person requires strength and now she has none. Let her take care of herself.

[sad_panda]

I got dumped but I'm the one doing the ignoring. It started out as a way to heal myself, but soon enough I just couldn't be bothered to pay attention to him no matter what he said or did post-breakup. He never contacted me directly (aside from a birthday greeting), but he did let his presence felt through my family and friends (yep for a while he often bothered them).

 

He greeted me on my birthday at 6am. When his birthday came around, I only realized that it was his birthday around 5pm. I thought of texting him, but I was just, "Nah, not worth my time."

 

Dumpers and dumpees alike can switch off, dumpers just do that more often. I switched off when I found out he emotionally cheated on me when we were together, and cheating in any for (especially emotional) is an ABSOLUTE DEALBREAKER for me.

[northstar1]

That's exactly what I mean? When I broke NC it was to ask my ex after a couple of weeks how she felt after a month of NC;

 

Did she want to carry it on?

Did she feel she would try for friends again?

OR did she have major regrets?

 

A simple, Im sorry but this is really what I want to be single and to be apart but I really hope your okay.

 

If I then replied and kept bugging her, then all means ignore any annoying texts that are acts of desperation. But to be so cold and ignore the whole thing, I just couldnt do that to someone who I apparently cared about.

 

This is very hard, this I know.

 

It's hard to see now but she is actually doing you a favor by not replying. Replying is just going to get your hopes up and continue a cycle.

In her mind, no contact is both for her to heal, and she may also realize, as some have said, that talking to you is going to hurt you as well.

 

It hurts to think the person you loved is now cold and doesn't seem to have the respect to acknowledge you. But if she replies, you'll have more questions, and want to open a dialogue (whether you admit it not, you will want to) and it becomes a painful process, not allowing you to heal.

 

I can tell you, she has not forgotten you, and certainly thinks of you, but right now, she believes that not being in touch is the best way to carry on.

[exclusive.]

Do you not think dumpers can get in contact but be assertive about the fact it is over.

My point is, if the conversation is brief and answers are had then surely thats fine?

If a dumpee goes into desperation or anger and thats when all the annoying questions or conversations come out - then by all means ignore that. But surely they don't have to ignore everything?

[northstar1]

Do you not think dumpers can get in contact but be assertive about the fact it is over.

My point is, if the conversation is brief and answers are had then surely thats fine?

If a dumpee goes into desperation or anger and thats when all the annoying questions or conversations come out - then by all means ignore that. But surely they don't have to ignore everything?

 

Hey, it is crappy, but unfortunately there are not set rules on how dumpers will act. Many just will not want anything to do with the person they broke up with, either because they no longer have feelings, or have moved on, or don't want to deal with any emotional conversations.

 

It stings to think that this person you knew so well no longer feels a need to be in touch, and you can kill yourself wondering about why they are not.

But the point is, even if they do contact you, it's not a good thing man, Trust me. Even if you don't get emotional on the phone, you will at some point later on, when you play the conversation over and over in your head and have more questions.

[paperchase]

to me the questioned posed in this thread seems obvious. dumpers can ignore you because they don't care. they decided to leave you and they are cool with that decision. they didn't make that decision overnight so they had sufficient time to solidify their convictions. chances are they are too preoccupied chasing their next lover to worry about how you are feeling. entertaining your feelings is a drag to them. bottom line is you just aren't that important anymore.

 

as to the issue of whether it's good or bad if the dumper contacts you that's tough. I definitely feel better when my ex sends a text or calls me, even though I don't answer. even though she's being manipulative I figure at least she cares enough to try to manipulate me. If I meant nothing, then then she wouldn't even be able to get the ego boost she's seeking from me should I respond to her. the bad thing is when she doesn't text or call I feel bad. I don't see us getting back together so I no longer get false hope when she reaches out, but I do get an ego boost of my own if that makes sense.

[BCCA]

entertaining your feelings is a drag to them. bottom line is you just aren't that important anymore.

 

This is the truth. I highly doubt most people who dumped you do ANYTHING for your benefit, its all about whats best/easiest/most convenient for them. Thinking about how they hurt you is a buzzkill, and they just dont want to rehash it. Thats why they try and offer you some 'friendship', because they hope that they can at least get from you that you dont hate them, and they feel like the can change the whole dynamic of your relationship with a label. 'Were friends' means 'yeah I took a big old dump on their feelings, but they dont hate me for it, so I must be a pretty awesome person'.

 

whether it's good or bad if the dumper contacts you that's tough

 

Its a catch-22 in most situations, because you dont want breadcrumbs, but silence isnt much better. I think we all just want to hear an apology, or at the least 'I dont mean to bother you, just hope youre ok'. Problem is, niether of those responses ever come.

 

I havent heard from my ex since she tried for the 1232314510945 time to get me to be her friend in December by asking me on a date, and then letting me know that it wasnt a date when I was actually there. She said she didnt think about it really (nice, thanks right?), and she just was bored and wanted to see me. So, basically she led me into this under false pretenses, hoping that I would just 'accidentally' end up being her friend.

 

I never got an apology call, a merrry xmas, a 'hope youre ok'...nothing. Its been over 3 months of absolute silence, and I can tell you right now, it aint because she wants ME to heal. Its because she knows Im not going to give her the only thing she wants from me any more, so Im essentially useless to her.

 

I really think more often than not, they really just dont care that much anymore.

[RecordProducer]

Let's try to clarify something: when we go NC on someone who used to be important to us, it's usually not a sign of indifference. We may ignore a casual ex that lasted for five weeks because we just want them off our backs, but we demonstratively ignore someone we used to hang out with on a daily basis - it's more than that.

 

My experience... I've had people gone NC on me. Moreover, these were my (only) three best friends I've ever had. I have no clue why. I've tried to talk to them, but they avoid answering directly. The only common thread in all three friendships (two of them are sisters) is that they were all creepily jealous of me in many ways. What I am trying to say is that people don't treat you like that because of YOU - but because of how you make them feel, which is only their problem. Very often, they bottle up these feelings for a long time and finally they burst.

 

They can't tell you what caused the sudden change because they know it's not your fault. The same thing happens in marriages and other kinds of relationships. My ex dumped me and started acting like he was angry at me. He needed an excuse for leaving a wife and two toddlers.

 

People who abandon their children often go NC for many years or even forever. There is more to these situations than mere indifference. There's guilt, insecurity, hidden anger, envy, fear of admitting who they are...

 

Maybe she sees you as a "statue" of her character flaws; when you're around, she feels that she is not a good enough person. Or maybe she's just dating your first cousin and forgetting to reply.

[LucreziaBorgia]

They have the ability to ignore your pain because by the time they broke up with you, they were at the end of a long process of letting go emotionally. The breakup was not the beginning for them - it was the end. They can walk away because they have already reached the 'indifference' point and your pain does not have much effect on them. It is not a matter of 'one day they love you the next day they don't' - it is a long slow goodbye that you don't even see until they are walking away.

 

Trying to make them see your pain will not work. When a person reaches indifference, all that the emotional display will do is make them feel resentful and distance themselves more.

 

What can you do? Give yourself time to mourn and heal - without their input.

[paperchase]

This is the truth. I highly doubt most people who dumped you do ANYTHING for your benefit, its all about whats best/easiest/most convenient for them. Thinking about how they hurt you is a buzzkill, and they just dont want to rehash it. Thats why they try and offer you some 'friendship', because they hope that they can at least get from you that you dont hate them, and they feel like the can change the whole dynamic of your relationship with a label. 'Were friends' means 'yeah I took a big old dump on their feelings, but they dont hate me for it, so I must be a pretty awesome person'.

 

 

 

Its a catch-22 in most situations, because you dont want breadcrumbs, but silence isnt much better. I think we all just want to hear an apology, or at the least 'I dont mean to bother you, just hope youre ok'. Problem is, niether of those responses ever come.

 

I havent heard from my ex since she tried for the 1232314510945 time to get me to be her friend in December by asking me on a date, and then letting me know that it wasnt a date when I was actually there. She said she didnt think about it really (nice, thanks right?), and she just was bored and wanted to see me. So, basically she led me into this under false pretenses, hoping that I would just 'accidentally' end up being her friend.

 

I never got an apology call, a merrry xmas, a 'hope youre ok'...nothing. Its been over 3 months of absolute silence, and I can tell you right now, it aint because she wants ME to heal. Its because she knows Im not going to give her the only thing she wants from me any more, so Im essentially useless to her.

 

I really think more often than not, they really just dont care that much anymore.

 

 

I've received the I'm sorry, I'm profusely sorry, I'm such a bad person, I don't like the person I've become apologies. I've received the please don't hate me speech. I've received the I love you but I just don't see how we'd work. We're too far gone. I've received the sorry for shutting you out I just had my defenses up conversation. I've received the cute texts reminiscing about the times we shared or places we've gone. I've received the I miss you and just wanted to hear your voice 2:30 am phone calls. Today, as promised when I last saw her, I received about 30 pictures by email of us together, some x-rated, and times we shared with our kids. The message said please don't delete and was signed love, always. But I haven't received, nor will I receive, the thing I was pining so desperately for -- a second chance. So really I'm no different that anyone else on here. She can't offer enough apologies to make things ok. I'm not offering friendship either. I'm just getting to the phase where I'm moving from hurt to angry and I hope I can make the full transition.

[exclusive.]

I'm just getting to the phase where I'm moving from hurt to angry and I hope I can make the full transition.

 

I really wanna get there too, if it was anyone else who ignored my attempts at contact I would get angry and think **** them then. I just hate how its different for her, when she's done the worst pain and heart ache anyone could ever achieve.

[Surfer Dude]

I have to agree with you.

The ones that keep you on the hook with those little crumbs here and there have much less respect for us than the ones that care enough to not give mixed messages or false hope.

 

A person that has dumped you, yet still checks in with those "where have you been".... They are baiting you and only looking to stroke their own ego. They may not want to be with you- but they still want confirmation that they can still affect you by getting a response from you. That's a mind f*** none of us need.

 

Exactly. I've actually had that situation last week, as you might remember. You never get any apologies or sincere attempts of establishing contact, you just get these tidbits of lukewarm interest "hey, how are you?", "long time no see, how you've been?". They just pretend as if nothing ever happened. When you do reply however, they go NC on you and you don't hear from them for a while. You have just validated their ego, their self esteem and boosted their feeling of power and self worth.

 

This is the truth. I highly doubt most people who dumped you do ANYTHING for your benefit, its all about whats best/easiest/most convenient for them. Thinking about how they hurt you is a buzzkill, and they just dont want to rehash it. Thats why they try and offer you some 'friendship', because they hope that they can at least get from you that you dont hate them, and they feel like the can change the whole dynamic of your relationship with a label. 'Were friends' means 'yeah I took a big old dump on their feelings, but they dont hate me for it, so I must be a pretty awesome person'.

 

This is true as well. My ex once openly told me:

HER: "wooooow, I'm sooo happy, just heard that my ex asked my sister about me. That means he still loves me, even thought I treated him like crap! yay XD"

ME: "Just because he asked about you, doesn't mean he loves you, he's just probably curious."

HER: "I don't care, he still loves me no matter what I did to him XD"

 

Shallow and idiotic.

 

Its a catch-22 in most situations, because you dont want breadcrumbs, but silence isnt much better. I think we all just want to hear an apology, or at the least 'I dont mean to bother you, just hope youre ok'. Problem is, niether of those responses ever come.

Well you get those breadcrumbs fishing for validation, but that has nothing to do with sincere apologies. We will never get apologies, and even if we do, it will be because they were either just dumped/want to crawl back/need something from us and will never be sincere. Low quality people never change, my friend. Self improvement and self work is something unknown to them.

 

I havent heard from my ex since she tried for the 1232314510945 time to get me to be her friend in December by asking me on a date, and then letting me know that it wasnt a date when I was actually there. She said she didnt think about it really (nice, thanks right?), and she just was bored and wanted to see me. So, basically she led me into this under false pretenses, hoping that I would just 'accidentally' end up being her friend.

Validation and guilt relief. They do it for themselves, not for us.

 

I never got an apology call, a merrry xmas, a 'hope youre ok'...nothing. Its been over 3 months of absolute silence, and I can tell you right now, it aint because she wants ME to heal. Its because she knows Im not going to give her the only thing she wants from me any more, so Im essentially useless to her.

She's probably doing great now, but as soon as things in her life start going sour, she'll probably try to get in touch again. It's best to be mentally prepared for these intrusions at all times, so that we can fend them off easily.

[EmperorR]

I always wonder this, when my ex dumped me and went to another guy like a week later, and i was on the phone crying asking her why etc. (ya i was pathetic) she would be like you mean noting to me anymore etc., Its funny when your with that person in the deepest darkest perils even when you were busy took the time out to listen to be there for them. I was there when my ex cut herself, was there when no one else was but still got discarded like a empty coffee cup.

 

When I went nc i always thought she would contact me, but nope she never has been 6 months now , i guess she really didn't care, i was a idiot a doormat and got taken advantage of but such is life.

 

But eh any time in the past 6 months or whenever I get a little urge to contact my ex, I always remember "you mean nothing to me anymore", and I don't and now I don't care