Am I justified to feel hurt because my girlfriend was a stripper?

[Ormolu611]

Okay, I have a thread relating to this on the marriage and cohabitation forum. The situation is actually a lot more complicated and I explain it fully over there, but what I am interested in here is exploring one specific aspect of the whole thing.

 

I am at a position of probably having to break up with my girlfriend for various reasons, but I want to explore the most recent development on its own if I could. I just yesterday, found out that my girlfriend of one and a half years was employed for a two year period as an exotic dancer in a couple of fully nude clubs. Now, keep in mind that she has already talked to me about wanting to maybe have children one day together and marrying, etc considering that we have been together for 1.5 years.

 

She was stressed yesterday and matter of factly told me that she used to dance in the nude for money, give lap dances, etc. She stopped about three years before meeting me, so it was a little while ago. She said she liked it and the money was good. Commented about how sexy she looked in her little white thigh highs.

 

I was shocked. More so for the fact that I felt rattled that I had not known this about her. I mean, stripping (dancing as she prefers to call it) for two years is pretty significant! I had no idea that she had it in her and this completely changes the way I view her, which is so unfair to both of us I think.

 

She said that she was sorry for telling me so suddenly and mentioned that she did not want to tell me early on for fear of being judged. I told her that it was actually my right to judge her in the beginning of our relationship as someone that I wanted to move forward with or not. I know that no one wants to be judged but lets face it, when you meet someone don't you judge them to determine if they would be suitable for you? Nothing wrong with that in my opinion. She took that right away from me.

 

Now, another way of looking at it is just as it is my right to judge her in the beginning of our relationship, she had a right to choose not to tell me about her work as a stripper. If she did not want to tell me about that aspect of her life - fine. Her perogative. I would have been fine with that too. I do, hoever, think that it is extremely unfair to drop it on me suddenly after a year and a half together. Now I am reeling! I think to myself, what the hell else is out there that I don't know about? I feel now that trust has been lost and I feel like I don't know her at all really when I look at her.

 

Am I over reacting to this specific thing? What messes with me is her saying, "Oh, some guys respect it as being independent and confident. It's no big deal." Am I being fair though with regard to this issue?

[EasyHeart]

There are two different issues here, and you need to decide each one separately.

 

1. Do you care that she was a stripper? It doesn't matter if you it's 'judging' or not, if you want to have a long term relationship with her, you need to decide whether you could marry and have a family with someone who has that background. If not, move on. And the decision is completely yours -- there's no right or wrong answer. If, emotionally, you have an issue then you will always hold it against her and never be able to have a successful relationship.

 

2. A harder issue is her not telling you. That raises questions of trust. You need to consider why she didn't tell you: was she hiding it from you? Or was she embarrassed about it and afraid to tell you because she was afraid you'd reject her (a fear which, it seems, was jutified.) Even when trust is breached, it's not impossible to rebuild a relationship. It depends on whether both parties are willing to work on it.

[St. Nick]

It could be worse. She could be a pornstar.

[Ormolu611]

It could be worse. She could be a pornstar.

 

 

Oh, it gets worse....believe me. It gets worse. I was not going to get into all of that here since it would be redundant. Already outlined in another thread.

[Truly Lost]

I know being an exotic dancer was a little piece of information that you should have known about, but its not like its going to have a profound impact on your future with her. Having a child and withholding that info is a lot worse. That will impact your future financially and legally. So she danced naked. Its not that big a deal. It was long before you were in her life.

 

Is her being a stripper, in the past, something that would have been a deal breaker for you, had you been told up front?

 

I think her withholding info from you is the primary issue, at least more then the actual act of stripping itself. In just a few words, she completely painted a new picture of herself in your eyes. I can understand, how that would be hard to deal with. I guess now is the time for you to assess what your pros and cons are and if you can proceed with this relationship. I think you will make the right decision for youself, just make sure you think long and hard about it before making any rash decisions, like breaking up. There's nothing worse than breaking up with someone then realising later you made a mistake, only to find out the other person doesn't want to take you back. Ugh!

[Montclair0011]

Ormolus - I read more about your relationship on that other thread and I think stripping is one of the smaller issues in your relationship. This woman has serious problems, some of which should be reported to child welfare. You should be thinking about doing that instead of marrying her.

 

If you are still thinking of spending your life with this woman please get to a shrink ASAP.

 

And I don't mean to be so harsh. I know what it's like to love an inappropriate person with all your heart. I'm sure it will be very difficult to break away and you will need lots of support. But better that then ending up legally bound to a train wreck.

 

If you are unable to leave her than maybe drag her to couples counseling where maybe she could at least pick up a few parenting tips.

[lostsunsets]

Ormolu, There is one question that nobody seems to want to ask. In two years of working at a fully nude strip club, stripping and doing lap dances (that she enjoyed). You don't think that she lapped a guy who was really cute and offered to meet her after she got off for a big pay day. We're talking 2 years. In my view, prostitution is highly likely. You need to ask her when you see her again (looking in her eyes), are you telling me that in two years of working at a strip club and lapping, that you never met one of those guys for a private party. If she says no, ask her to take a polygraph test.

 

Easy question. Have you ever taken money for sex? I think she would fail.

[RecordProducer]

Ormulu, I attacked you hatred for her daughter in another thread and I still keep the standpoint that if you hate this girl, you shouldn't be around her.

 

However, I am starting to see your GF in a different view. I agree that she possibly worked as a hooker too and I think you fear that too. I also agree that the bad thing is not so much that she withheld this information from you, but that she admitted it with such ease. She was only concerned about you judging her, but she has no problem with it. She didn't tell you that she's ashamed of herself and had no other options and whatever. No, she seems to be proud of it. She liked it. How could a woman possibly like dancing naked in front of men, doing lap dances for them and god knows what else for money? What kind of woman enjoys these things?

 

I could totally picture her cheating on you with any man who enters her life and being proud of it. I think you see her as a slut and you don't like it. Listen, she is who she is, no need to take a polygraph test as to whether she hooked or not. If you can accept her past and take the risk to trust her, then do it and have faith. If you can't, then leave her and move on. Apparently, money and sexual attention mean a lot of her. She mocks the traditional values you hold.

 

Frankly, I wouldn't want my sons to bring anything like that home. And you said she curses at her own daughter? May I ask what your occupation and background are? What are hers? How old are you?

[Enema]

I think you're over-reacting. (guy).

 

The past is the past. She's with you now and by all accounts, things have been going very well.

 

This does not reflect on her ability to be a wife, mother or committed girlfriend in the least. Unless she says otherwise, it was just a job.

 

Now - ask her to dance for you, ya lucky sob.

[SRV]

Enema, I beg to differ slightly that the past is the past. It only is if she was up front at the onset. If she was totally honest, it would be the past, at that point in order for him to make a more informed decision as to whether to embrace it or move on.

 

We all have pasts, but the way it is presented at the onset of a relationship pretty much lays the foundation for the kind of relationship you are bound to have.

 

The lies by omission, the trickle down truth, dig deeper and you will find more that has been left out. In this situation, he will always doubt her, in the back of his mind there will always be the nagging feeling, what else is there? What else has she not told me? All this erodes at the very core of what a relationship should have,trust.

[headlesschicken]

Ormolu, There is one question that nobody seems to want to ask. In two years of working at a fully nude strip club, stripping and doing lap dances (that she enjoyed). You don't think that she lapped a guy who was really cute and offered to meet her after she got off for a big pay day. We're talking 2 years. In my view, prostitution is highly likely. You need to ask her when you see her again (looking in her eyes), are you telling me that in two years of working at a strip club and lapping, that you never met one of those guys for a private party. If she says no, ask her to take a polygraph test.

 

Easy question. Have you ever taken money for sex? I think she would fail.

 

really? you think most strippers are prostitutes? i danced for 2 years and never saw it as anything more than work.

[JoL]

I think you're over-reacting. (guy).

 

The past is the past. She's with you now and by all accounts, things have been going very well.

 

This does not reflect on her ability to be a wife, mother or committed girlfriend in the least. Unless she says otherwise, it was just a job.

 

Now - ask her to dance for you, ya lucky sob.

 

Umm if you read the posters post in the marriage forum you would not be saying that at all, trust me.......

[lostsunsets]

really? you think most strippers are prostitutes? i danced for 2 years and never saw it as anything more than work.

 

Did I say most?

 

So you stripped for 2 years. Full nudity with lap dances? genitalia in the guys face and such?

 

I don't think all strippers are prostitutes. But I do believe that all prostitutes are strippers. Whether it is for one or many.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

I was a stripper in the past. No nookie was had with any of the customers. Ever.

 

I am aware of what some people think strippers are, and the people in my life that are close to me know. They certainly know who I am by now, and I didn't want to keep it a secret from them.

 

The rest of the world does not know, because (again) I know there are ignorant people that enjoy making things up in their head. They don't want any evidence to the contrary - their mind is made up. I have learned that dealing with these types is futile and a waste of time/energy.

 

Thankfully, everyone I have ever told never held it against me, nor looked at me differently at all.

 

They know I am a good person.

[burning 4 revenge]

Ormulu, I attacked you hatred for her daughter in another thread and I still keep the standpoint that if you hate this girl, you shouldn't be around her.

 

However, I am starting to see your GF in a different view. I agree that she possibly worked as a hooker too and I think you fear that too. I also agree that the bad thing is not so much that she withheld this information from you, but that she admitted it with such ease. She was only concerned about you judging her, but she has no problem with it. She didn't tell you that she's ashamed of herself and had no other options and whatever. No, she seems to be proud of it. She liked it. How could a woman possibly like dancing naked in front of men, doing lap dances for them and god knows what else for money? What kind of woman enjoys these things?

 

I could totally picture her cheating on you with any man who enters her life and being proud of it. I think you see her as a slut and you don't like it. Listen, she is who she is, no need to take a polygraph test as to whether she hooked or not. If you can accept her past and take the risk to trust her, then do it and have faith. If you can't, then leave her and move on. Apparently, money and sexual attention mean a lot of her. She mocks the traditional values you hold.

 

Frankly, I wouldn't want my sons to bring anything like that home. And you said she curses at her own daughter? May I ask what your occupation and background are? What are hers? How old are you?

yes she will cheat and if you ever fail in any kind of way she will leave at the drop of a hat

[clv0116]

How could a woman possibly like dancing naked in front of men, doing lap dances for them and god knows what else for money? What kind of woman enjoys these things?

 

Some women go to bars, meet people and go have sex for free. I don't see a huge moral difference.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

Umm if you read the posters post in the marriage forum you would not be saying that at all, trust me.......

 

 

I just read it...

 

This woman is a mess. This is obvious. Stripping is the least, least, least of it.

 

Could it be that you are dissecting issues piecemeal like this, so you don't have to see the entire picture?

 

She is abusing her child. There is no way to make this okay. It will never be okay.

 

I find it sad that the focus is on this - when - guess what? - she is abusing her child.

 

That trumps everything. Everything else is petty by comparison.

 

So what to do? Run like hell, this woman is abhorrent.

[Ormolu611]

Frankly, I wouldn't want my sons to bring anything like that home. And you said she curses at her own daughter? May I ask what your occupation and background are? What are hers? How old are you?

 

I am a risk analyst and have a bachelors in business. She is in phone sales and has no college. I just turned 34 and she is 31. Oh, and now that you mention it, my mother does not approve of her, and doesn't know the half of it.

[Ormolu611]

Thanks so much everyone for your input that you have taken the time to give. It really helps to have some objective eyes and ears. Thank you.

[Girlygirl1977]

I am a risk analyst and have a bachelors in business. She is in phone sales and has no college. I just turned 34 and she is 31. Oh, and now that you mention it, my mother does not approve of her, and doesn't know the half of it.

 

It's not always the case, but your mother is right on this. And she doesn't even know the half of it which is the super scary part. You can't even tell your therapist all of it and she isn't a relative! Wow. . .