how to forgive... so many questions

[erinlea001]

My husband has been having an emotional affair with a female co-worker for the past 3 years. He feels it was a "friendship" but it was more than that. There was a night in early January that he left the house said he was going to a poker party at co-workers house but he lied. the OW called him and he went and met her and 2 other male co-workers for drinks... at least that's what he says. Long story short... he came home that night, sat and talked with me for a few minutes then went and had a shower. He had been roofing all day in the freezing cold so I didn't question it, even though he showered before he left that night. When I picked up his clothes from the floor I noticed he hadn't worn any boxers. When i asked him he got defensive and said he doesn't always wear them. I have never once in my life seen him go out without any underwear on.

 

I questioned someone I work with and they heard he was having an affair with someone but it was only a rumour.

 

We've been to counselling and things are better but my gut feeling still tells me that he is lying about that night. He swears it was never physical and he never went out with her alone but he acted so strangely that night... ran to the bathroom to pee like 4 times right before he left, called me 3 times from his cell phone on the way to "play poker".

 

For me it's the constant wondering about what really happened. I've always said if I ever found he's had sex with someone else than i would leave. I think maybe he's only telling me part of the story for fear that I will pack my bags and move out. At this point... I just feel lost and I am now questioning every little thing he does and says. I don't want to be like that but this whole thing is nagging at me. All of the signs of it being physical were there that night and he still denies it. I would much rather have him admitted that he slept with her that night than to deny it. Because it just causes me to doubt and question everything. My gut tells me there's way more to the story but how do I approach it with him without making things worse and starting a huge fight. I just want to truth... but then maybe he actuall is telling the truth. I am so confused. I don't need all of the dirty details I just don't want to feel like a fool. He's played me for 3 years and I can't do it anymore.

 

How should I approach this? What should I say? I've already asked him several times but I really want to sit down and talk about this. He said he thought things were good between us right now but the problem is I feel like I am pretending and putting on an act. We have 2 small children, I love him but I love myself more. I can't forgive and put things in the past when i feel like I'm being lied to. It's keeping me up at night and the thoughts seem to be consuming every waking moment.

[erinlea001]

No one has any advice for me on how to approach him???? I don't want to start a huge fit.... but how do I get him to tell the truth?

 

Last night there was a number on our call display with the same area code as the OW... she leaves in another town.... my husband accidently deleted the # when he came home, said he must of hit the delete button by accident... does he really think I am that stupid? I was going to write down the # but forgot. When the phone rang, my 4 year old answered it and the person said nothing then hung up. Just one more thing to wonder about.

[65tr6]

How should I approach this? What should I say? I've already asked him several times but I really want to sit down and talk about this. He said he thought things were good between us right now but the problem is I feel like I am pretending and putting on an act. We have 2 small children, I love him but I love myself more. I can't forgive and put things in the past when i feel like I'm being lied to. It's keeping me up at night and the thoughts seem to be consuming every waking moment.

 

OP, I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Stop the Counselling now ! Your husband is lying through his teeth. He still has the A going on.

 

Take charge. Dont take any bulls* from him anymore.

 

Go to marriagebuilders. com to read up on Plan A and Plan B. Implement Plan A right away.

 

Have you exposed the A ?

 

Is the OW married ? Talk to her husband/boyfriend and expose it

 

Hire a PD to track his whereabouts.

 

You have two little ones and your family to protect. You can do it.

[MichelleS1983]

Erin, surely you know the chances of this just being an "emotional" affair - for THREE years - are very, very slim, right? He's in her company every day for 3 years - and he honestly wants you to believe they've never crossed the line? You can bet the farm they have - MANY times. You only have proof of the one night when he obviously lost his underwear during one of their little sessions.

 

Since he continues to lie through his teeth to you (of COURSE he's going to lie - he's not stupid) why don't you tell him that a lie detector test would put your mind at ease and HELP you start to be able to regain your trust and work on reconciliation?

 

One of two things will happen - he'll brazenly tell you to go ahead and set up the appointment "since he has nothing to hide," or he'll start stuttering and accusing you of being a wench for making him sink to that level.

 

In either case, he's lying and will try to weasel out of it. If he actually tells you to schedule one, you can almost bank on the 'driveway' confession. As you're getting into your car to go to the appt, he'll know he's at the end of the road and has to come clean - so he'll admit to SOMETHING, but not all. Just enough to keep his sorry ass out of the polygrapher's chair. But you won't get the whole truth.

 

Surely it will be better than the blatant lies he's been feeding you from the start.

 

Go ahead - suggest a poly to him and watch him sweat.

[sunrise001]

Thank you so much for the replies.

We did go to marriage counselling but only 3 times. It wasn't beneficial in any way and after the 3rd session it was the counsellor that told us to work on our "individual plans". His advice to us was to figure out the path that we each wanted to take individually... make time for our own interests, etc. He also said we can only control ourselves and not each other - feelings or actions.

I brought up the whole EA and it was basically dismissed. No questions as to why it happened, how, etc.

 

My husband thinks that things are better between us... which they have been to a point. I thought after a while I would feel less awful and would start to feel better about myself and our relationship. Bottom line is my gut tells me he is lying about that night... even though he says nothing happened. My gut tells me otherwise. I was going to counselling about a year ago by myself and the counsellor I saw was excellent. At the time I suspected something was going on but had not proof.... it's just so confusing. I know what he did and I just want him to admit it and move on.

[veryjaded]

What's with the multiple usernames?

 

First, that January night sounds REALLY suspicious. The going to the Bathroom 4 times before he left? I wonder what that was about?

 

What I would do in this situation, unless there are a lot of facts you aren't saying about the EA, is to pull back and gather some information.

 

Do you have anyone at his work that you can trust? You could try getting some info or visiting for lunch, just "dropping by" and seeing if there is any strange behavior. Make some casual conversation with other coworkers. Go to the restroom and linger a bit - You never know who might approach you if they know you are his wife.

 

Can you get a Keylogger spy program installed on any computer he uses? This way you can get any passwords or IM conversations he might be having. Also if he is on the computer and you are in another room, quietly enter the room and walk right up to him and see his reaction... Closing windows, etc.

 

Can you look at phone records?

Can you hire a PI?

[NewSunrise]

What's with the multiple usernames?

Yeah. I was confused too.

 

Bottom line is my gut tells me he is lying about that night...

Your gut feeling is your warning signal. Go with it.

 

My xWH lied through MC and IC. Expect he's no different.

 

Posters have given you great advice.

 

1. Expose the affair to both sides.

2. Do a little spying on your own.

 

Here's what I did to xWS:

 

1. Bought a keylogger online. Can only work on desktop. It comes with a passcode. Not available in stores. It's a 1/4 inch long the circumference of a pencil eraser. Attach it to the keyboard on one end and the to the hard drive on the other. It will record the last 250K keywords typed. Once he's done, unplug it and replug. Download the program and enter the password and it will translate the raw data into legible words. Found ALL of his passwords.

 

2. Planted a voice activated recorder in his car. Caught him lying.

 

3. Searched the garage and found calling cards stashed in different places.

 

4. Checked his credit card statements and found he filled up on gas twice in one day. And it wasn't my car that he filled. Found receipts of household cleaning supplies at Walmart in a different town but it wasn't our house he cleaned nor did I ever see those scrubbers.

 

5. Check the recycle bin on his computer and reload. Found out the jerk was into porn----women hanging off ceilings. Eeeeowww.

 

Cost me nearly nearly $17K that I didn't have to divorce him, but it was worth it.

 

Since you have a child, you may want to look at it in a worse case scenario. Just in case.

 

If you live in a "fault" state where infidelity is frowned upon and "illegal" you'll come on top. Start collecting and making copies of legal document even if you live in a "no fault" state.

 

I have a friend in the same situation as you are in. They have a 3 yr old. H cheated with a co-worker. She exposed the A to the OW's family and her pastor. The A dissipated. But the lies killed the marriage. She's filing for divorce.

 

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. I suppose you may also have to do some soul searching? Be careful that this does not eat away your sense of self-worth because it can and it will if you let it.

 

Hang in there.