To tell, or not to tell

[cek]

I've been trying to get back with my SO, and just after admitting that I love him, I found out he has a new gf. For whatever reason, she began speaking with me. Her tone sounded almost angry. She gave me warnings, and said things to make me feel inferior to her. I don't think that was necessary for her to speak to me that way.

 

This is not myemotions talking, I have proof! Of course it would not be in my favor to tell the SO what she has said to me. However, I'm wondering if I may have to tell him, especially if the situation escalates. Regardless of relationships, friendships, etc., no one should be spoken to in such a manner. So, to tell, or not to tell?

[cek]

I should also mention that I had no prior knowledge of the gf when I admitted that I love him. This was pure coincidence. I'm also begining to feel desperate. I've mentioned on other threads that I truly believe he's the one for me.

[carhill]

I presumed (incorrectly) that he was within earshot of the phone call. I would not follow up. If he's perceptive, he'll figure her out soon enough. In the future, if someone is personally attacking you, just hang up on them. I do it all the time, especially government people

[BCCA]

Well, I hate to do this, but first, hes not your SO anymore, he's hers. I know it sucks, and he probably says vague things to you that make you think that he's unsure, but hes made a decision - he chose her.

 

Then, put yourself in her shoes. Chances are, if I know people as well as I think I do, hes telling her that youre a crazy stalker that wont take no for an answer. Regardless of whether or not thats true, from her standpoint, youre trying to split up her relationship. Youre trying to steal the attention away from the man she wants to give her attention.

 

What do you think your ex is going to say if you tell him anyway? I can promise you he wont think 'gosh shes mean, ill dump her'. If anything, he'll probably get off on the idea that two women are fighting over him.

 

Dont say a word, accept that hes not your SO, and move on.

[cek]

I presumed (incorrectly) that he was within earshot of the phone call. I would not follow up. If he's perceptive, he'll figure her out soon enough. In the future, if someone is personally attacking you, just hang up on them. I do it all the time, especially government people

 

Actually, we are all in different states, though I am closer to him. This was not a phone call, but a series of emails. Part of me wants to tell him, but I don't know that it would be in my favor. If it were to escalate though, I would definately tell him. If she were to begin threatening me, for example, I won't care what the consequences are. That would cross the line.

[headlesschicken]

so...you want to tell your EX boyfriend that his GIRLFRIEND doesn't like you?

 

whaaa?

 

sounds like he's made his decision. and if he hasn't, and is leading you on, while in a relationship with another woman, i'd rethink the whole "he's the one" thing.

[carhill]

Oh, e-mails, sorry. Just forward them to him, with headers, if you wish to inform him. Don't add any commentary. Then, leave them alone.

 

I know you've had training to deal with these situations as part of your professional capacity. Now would be a great time to put that training to good use. Seek detachment

[Trialbyfire]

cek, why escalate the drama? The best way to handle something like this is to set up a filter in your inbox, to reroute any correspondence from BOTH of them, to your trash bin.

 

It's time to move on. He's previously committed to someone else. Grab a firm hold of your pride/self-preservation instincts and walk away.

[cek]

Well, I hate to do this, but first, hes not your SO anymore, he's hers. I know it sucks, and he probably says vague things to you that make you think that he's unsure, but hes made a decision - he chose her.

 

Then, put yourself in her shoes. Chances are, if I know people as well as I think I do, hes telling her that youre a crazy stalker that wont take no for an answer. Regardless of whether or not thats true, from her standpoint, youre trying to split up her relationship. Youre trying to steal the attention away from the man she wants to give her attention.

 

What do you think your ex is going to say if you tell him anyway? I can promise you he wont think 'gosh shes mean, ill dump her'. If anything, he'll probably get off on the idea that two women are fighting over him.

 

Dont say a word, accept that hes not your SO, and move on.

 

Actually, you're not reading him correctly at all. In fact, he says the exact opposite. He and have a unique history, to say the least. I know, you probably think everyone says that about their relationship, but trust me, you don't know the half of it. There are details I am withholding in order to keep anonimity. If it does escalate, he would probably have second thoughts. Knowing him, he might start wondering if she'd act that way towards him!

 

I can't move on, and I won't move on. I think I might hold off, and see how far she takes this. If it gets to threats, or name-calling, then I would feel almost obligated to tell him.

[cek]

so...you want to tell your EX boyfriend that his GIRLFRIEND doesn't like you?

 

whaaa?

 

sounds like he's made his decision. and if he hasn't, and is leading you on, while in a relationship with another woman, i'd rethink the whole "he's the one" thing.

 

Not that she doesn't like me. I'm talking about the things she says to me that are completely inappropriate. She gave me the feeling that if angered, she would go off the deep end. And if it came to threats, name-calling, etc., I would have to tell him. I don't think he's leading me on. I don't know that a definate decision has been made. From what I know, this is a recent relationship. I still believe he's the one.

[cek]

cek, why escalate the drama? The best way to handle something like this is to set up a filter in your inbox, to reroute any correspondence from BOTH of them, to your trash bin.

 

It's time to move on. He's previously committed to someone else. Grab a firm hold of your pride/self-preservation instincts and walk away.

 

The situation is more complex than that. It's not something I can walk away from.

[carhill]

OK, do what you think is right for you and post the results here. These threads make for great mirrors

 

Can I share a healthier path? Become a relationship supporter. Keep the best part of your capacity to love and support him along his path. Positive energy returns far more fruit, IME.

 

Regardless, I hope you find what you're looking for. Best wishes

[SummerSun]

Cek, are you responding to her emails? Firstly I would say do not respond to her - just store the emails for future reference. Don't stoop to her level by fighting back, or even defending yourself - you don't need to.

 

As for telling your ex, I would say don't. He is with someone else and if you start slagging her off (even if you have evidence and it is true) you will not be seen in a good light - he is probably in the blinkered stage of a new relationship and will not see what he doesn't want to see. Leave it alone for now and let things unfold.

[Trialbyfire]

The situation is more complex than that. It's not something I can walk away from.

While I understand the need for anonymity, it's impossible to provide any kind of member or situationally targeted advice, without being given pertinent facts that impact on the situation.

 

It's like playing darts with a blind-fold on. While there are superheroes and martial artists in movies, who are capable of doing this, the rest of us basic human beings cannot.

[BCCA]

I know, you probably think everyone says that about their relationship, but trust me, you don't know the half of it.

 

Everyone DOES say that about their relationship.

 

'They're the one, you dont understand the connection we share, our love is different'

 

Yet, in the end, the same things ALWAYS happen, which is why as different as we would all like to believe things are, they are really pretty similar at the core.

 

Knowing him, he might start wondering if she'd act that way towards him!

 

Or he may very well not care. Listen, most women arent going to be too thrilled about another woman trying to steal their man away. I doubt you would be, either. Unless she threatens you or makes statements that make you fear for your well being, you have to be able to take a few harsh comments. Its only natural, no one wants someone else trying to steal their SO away.

 

I can't move on, and I won't move on.

 

THIS is actually the issue, not some emails (which I will add, can be deleted without reading).

 

He has a girlfriend, do you really want to be a homewrecker? Or are you going to now tell me that he just doesnt realize how wrong they are for each other, and how he'll come around and realize how much he loves you when you show him her emails?

 

Why do this to yourself? Why waste your time with someone who has put you on waivers? He has free will, he could be with you, but he chose not to, and furthermore, to involve himself with someone else. Dont fill in the blanks for him about what he 'really wants'.

 

then I would feel almost obligated to tell him.

 

Or you just want him to dump her because she was mean to you. Look, its pretty obvious you just want to break that up because you want him, or in the alternative, even if you cant have him, you dont want this woman who said mean things to have him, either.

 

At the end of the day, though, this is an exercise in futility. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. Convincing or showing this other womans 'true colors' isnt the answer. He either wants to pursue you or he doesnt, and right now, hes with someone else.

 

It's not something I can walk away from.

 

It most certainly is, you just dont want to.

[Surfer Dude]

Everyone DOES say that about their relationship.

 

'They're the one, you dont understand the connection we share, our love is different'

 

Yet, in the end, the same things ALWAYS happen, which is why as different as we would all like to believe things are, they are really pretty similar at the core.

 

Haha, yeah everyone thinks their relationships and SO is special. There are so many unique and special individuals in this world, it'd be ridiculous to have a mindset like that.

 

Everyone is replaceable and no one is replaceable. It's important to understand this conundrum; any individual can take any individual's place, but they are unique in their own special way and are nothing like the other person. That doesn't make them any less special though, they just make you happy in their own unique way.

[cek]

Is everyone this cynical on here? Is it not possibe that things can work out for the better, in my favor?

 

I'm not trying to break up anything for my own benefit. I'm saying that she has said things to me that are wrong. Is it ok for her to give me a list of warnings, and make me feel inferior to her? IMO, no. No one should be spoken to in that manner. For the record, I did not stoop to her level in any way. However, if her comments escalate, shouldn't he know about it?

It's not about who chose whom. It's the principle of being belittled by her. If your best friend, who you know has a difficult past, is being belittled by your SO in any way, wouldn't you want to know about it?

 

And yes, the guy and I are best friends. I know he loved me once, who's to say he can't again? I still love him, and he's quite happy that I told him this. It did not negatively change our friendship. If anything, it's made us closer.

 

As for details, he and I both agreed that we should have been friends before a couple. But we were so excited that we started as a couple first. I went through a lot of emotional abuse, and still do to an extent (not from him). I know I sent out the wrong messages to him because of it and I want to send out the right ones now. I never wanted only friendship, and still don't.

 

I'm not going to break anything up. But I shouldn't be treated that way either.

[BCCA]

I'm sorry, I'm sure I sound like the biggest ass in the world right now. You probably think I'm just telling you a bunch of negative stuff because I'm in a bad spot myself and misery loves company.

 

I can assure you thats not the case. As harsh is it may sound, I'm giving it to you as straight as I can. This is NOT the first situation like this I've come across here, and I'm positive it wont be the last. I know how unique every person is, we are all different in our own way. Mentally, though, the thought processes and reasons for our decisions are almost identical. While one size does not fit all, you either go with the odds or you buck them, and risk even more.

 

Its like gambling in a casino. Sure, even if you have 1% odds of winning, you still have SOME chance, but its such poor odds that the smart thing to do is walk away. Thats kind of the same thing with relationships.

 

So, yes, there is always a chance that things will work out exactly as you want them to. Anything is possible, and I certainly dont have a crystal ball to see into the future. It is, however, highly unlikely. Again, please know that Im telling you this from an angle of concern. I have no idea who you are and no vested interest in what you do. I am only here to offer the best advice I can, and that is to let this go and move on.

 

If your best friend, who you know has a difficult past, is being belittled by your SO in any way...?

 

She can only belittle you if you let her. She can send all the emails she wants, but if you just delete them and block her, you wouldnt even have to think about it. Youre opening them and reading them willingly. I know, temptation runs high, but youre only doing this to yourself.

 

And to answer your question truthfully, I think youre overstating your relationship a bit. And I'll point out the following as proof:

 

the guy and I are best friends

we should have been friends before a couple

I never wanted only friendship

 

It seems to me that your friendship was entirely based on your relationship as a couple, which is pretty standard. With one usually goes the other. Its a conditional friendship, youre only best friends so long as you are together, and thats really just the way these things go. My ex was my best friend, even closer than my buddy I've known since 3rd grade. We knew EVERYTHING about eachother, but then we broke up, and I can promise you neiter of us even consider the other even a friend any longer. Its not because we did something wrong, its not because we didnt love eachother at one time (together 5 years, living together for 2), its not because we're different, and its not because I did/didnt do something at the right time. Its because sometimes, things just dont work out, and you can love someone more than anything in the world (as I did), but if they dont feel the same way anymore, it just doesnt matter. Peoples feelings can change with the seasons, and just because they loved you yesterday doesnt mean theyll even care to talk to you next Friday. Its harsh, for sure, but thats reality.

 

I know I sent out the wrong messages to him because of it and I want to send out the right ones now

 

Do yourself a favor: come to terms with the fact that you really can only ever know whats in your head. You do not know anything that goes on in anyone else's head, and youre only setting yourself up for dissapointment believing you do. You'll be let down everytime - I've been there.

 

, wouldn't you want to know about it

 

Honest truth, no. Why do I want to get involved in a spitting match between the girl I used to date and the one I'm dating now. In the end, he's already made his stance quite clear: he's with her. You can forward him all the emails you want, but I doubt his opinion will change much.

 

What I kind of think youre going for is some level of sympathy from him, and this would probably accomplish that if nothing else. But then what? What happens when he says 'I cant believe that, Ill talk to her' and then continues on with their relationship? Will you still feel vindicated or as though showing him was neccesary? I can promise you he's not going to worry about wether or not she'll do that to him. Human nature is to be short sighted, and assume that the way people treat others was a result of the other people involved, not a character flaw of the person in question. Its NOT fair, it totally sucks, but it IS reality.

 

I hope you can see that I did actually take a lot of time to formulate this response, and while I completely understand that none of it is 'music to your ears', I just want you to do the best thing possible to move forward in your life right now. Dwelling on the past and staring at closed doors is such a waste of your precious time, and its an easy trap to fall into, but really hard to get out of. I think your mind knows that walking away, even if someday you did get back together, is the best thing to do right now. If he wants to come back and try again, none of this will matter. He needs to reach that decision completely on his own, and the best way to let that happen (as well as let yourself heal) is to move on like hes not coming back. He cant miss you if youre always right there. You need to get away from this situation for a while until youre head is clearer. He wont forget you, I promise, but he still very well may never want to give things another go, and you have to accept that in order to heal.

 

I really do wish you the best.

[carhill]

OP, I've been offering you advice based on personal experience with this kind of thing. Read my journals. My wife and I had dinner out last night with my friend and her boyfriend and we had a great time. That's the positive which comes from being a relationship supporter. We don't own anyone's feelings except our own.

 

Our friendship is special to us. It's mundane and common to everyone else. That's healthy. It's what makes life worth living

 

Hope you find your path.

[cek]

BCCA,

 

I know I'm not overstating the relationship/friendship he and I have. We are both affected by the same rare disorder. One has a greater chance of winning the lottery than be affected by this disorder. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, but part of me think that he and I have a special connection on some level because of our disorder. It's not the same as having common interests, values, etc., with someone. We are best friends and take care of each other. We empathize with each other, know what the other needs, how to help, everything.

 

And I can say, honestly, if I had a boyfriend saying awful things to him, I would want to know about it. Perhaps it is the fact that I've been through a lot of emotional abuse. But I would not tolerate that in any way.

 

I'm laying low for now, but as I've mentioned, should things escalate with her, I'd have to tell him. I know he would want to know. He already hates the fact that I've had the emotional abuse I went through. It's a new relationship, so I wouldn't say that he chose her over me. If that were true, knowing him, he would go NC, or limited contact. And he definately would not be helping me in the way he is right now. He wants to remain friends as of now, but who knows how the future will affect things.

[cek]

OP, I've been offering you advice based on personal experience with this kind of thing. Read my journals. My wife and I had dinner out last night with my friend and her boyfriend and we had a great time. That's the positive which comes from being a relationship supporter. We don't own anyone's feelings except our own.

 

Our friendship is special to us. It's mundane and common to everyone else. That's healthy. It's what makes life worth living

 

Hope you find your path.

 

Read my response regarding the disorder he and I share. It's almost as if we know what the other needs without having to ask or say anything. We empathize very much, especially since we have had many of the same experiences.

 

I already know that he hates the fact I've had all the emotional abuse I went through, with the bullying, etc. Should the issue escalate with this girl, I know he would not tolerate it at all.

[BCCA]

BCCA,

 

I know I'm not overstating the relationship/friendship he and I have. We are both affected by the same rare disorder. One has a greater chance of winning the lottery than be affected by this disorder. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, but part of me think that he and I have a special connection on some level because of our disorder. It's not the same as having common interests, values, etc., with someone. We are best friends and take care of each other. We empathize with each other, know what the other needs, how to help, everything.

 

And I can say, honestly, if I had a boyfriend saying awful things to him, I would want to know about it. Perhaps it is the fact that I've been through a lot of emotional abuse. But I would not tolerate that in any way.

 

I'm laying low for now, but as I've mentioned, should things escalate with her, I'd have to tell him. I know he would want to know. He already hates the fact that I've had the emotional abuse I went through. It's a new relationship, so I wouldn't say that he chose her over me. If that were true, knowing him, he would go NC, or limited contact. And he definately would not be helping me in the way he is right now. He wants to remain friends as of now, but who knows how the future will affect things.

 

 

Well, I see what youre saying, but you said yourself that you never wanted to be just friends. With that said, youre obviously not looking for a best friend, you want a boyfriend. Its very, very different. I think youre a hopeless romantic for sure, but so am I, and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

What Im trying to get you to understand is that even if YOU felt there was a strong connection, and I know that feeling. We all do. Its like it just makes SO much sense to you to be together, but the problem is, hes not on board. He's dating someone else, knowing full well how you feel. I'm sure he thinks youre a great person, but he wants a friend and you want a boyfriend. Its a catch 22.

 

Also, I was wondering why you keep reading the emails, rather than just deleting them and blocking her. That would solve this entire dillema right there. I have to believe that you sort of WANT it to escalate, so you have a reason so send him the emails. Its kind if a last ditch effort to show him that shes no good, and hopefully, push him back in your direction. I think you know that to be somewhat true. Ask yourself this, if you knew full well you would never get back together, would you even be thinking this way? Probably not right?

 

He wants to remain friends as of now, but who knows how the future will affect things.

 

If you agree to be his friend, mark my words, thats all youll ever be. Ive been there done that. And your situation isnt any different, trust me. Everyone connects on unique levels with other people, all relationships are different, as are the people involved. What remains the same is the actions of people and the reasons behind them. They are almost always the same, and usually predictable.

 

Do yourself a favor, and just ignore the emails (delete/block), and focus on doing what you need to as if he wasnt coming back. Even if he does, being alone for a while and accepting things will give you a better perspective. And worse case, you move on and meet someone else. Never let yourself believe that there is only one possible mate for you, its simply not true, and only holds you back.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

I've been trying to get back with my SO

 

He is not your SO - he is her SO.

 

 

 

just after admitting that I love him, I found out he has a new gf

 

It is clear that you do not know the details of his day-to-day world.

 

 

 

Of course it would not be in my favor to tell the SO what she has said to me.

 

No, it would not be in your favor to tell her SO what she has said to you.

 

 

 

I should also mention that I had no prior knowledge of the gf when I admitted that I love him.

 

He has a full life that you are not privy to.

 

 

I'm also begining to feel desperate. I've mentioned on other threads that I truly believe he's the one for me.

 

You can choose to believe that if you will.

 

He is choosing to be with his gf.

 

 

 

I can't move on, and I won't move on.

 

You can move on. You just don't want to.

 

He has, and good for him that he did.

 

 

 

I don't think he's leading me on.

 

He is likely trying to be nice to you and you are reading into things.

 

 

 

I don't know that a definate decision has been made. From what I know, this is a recent relationship. I still believe he's the one.

 

He has made a decision. He is with his SO. They are together.

 

You didn't even know he was with her before you told him you loved him.

 

 

 

The situation is more complex than that. It's not something I can walk away from.

 

Yes. You can. I hope for everyone's sake you do.

 

 

 

And yes, the guy and I are best friends. I know he loved me once, who's to say he can't again?

 

If you are so close, why didn't you know what he is doing to the degree you would tell him you love him...and only afterward find out he has a girlfriend?

 

 

 

It's a new relationship, so I wouldn't say that he chose her over me. If that were true, knowing him, he would go NC, or limited contact. And he definately would not be helping me in the way he is right now. He wants to remain friends as of now, but who knows how the future will affect things.

 

No one can say how the future will go, but the thing that is worrying is how you can not seem to face the present and respect this man and his gf.

 

He is a nice guy as you said, please respect his gf. She has to have good qualities if he chose to be with her.

 

 

 

It's almost as if we know what the other needs without having to ask or say anything. We empathize very much, especially since we have had many of the same experiences.

 

Replace all of the above "we" with "I".

 

You do not know how he feels. No one truly knows another's thoughts.

 

 

 

Should the issue escalate with this girl, I know he would not tolerate it at all.

 

If I were him, I wouldn't tolerate it, either. I would make it clear to you that my gf is the priority.

 

*

 

 

 

I realize this may come off harsh to you. I am not trying to do that.

 

I understand you care for him, but if you continue this, you will back him up against the wall and end up losing whatever friendship you two ever had. You need to see that before it's too late, if it isn't already.

[cek]

I truly feel as though many of those replying are misunderstanding the situation. First, he hasn't even met her yet. All three of us live in different states, and I'm the closest to him. She is visiting family in yet another state, several hours away, on vacation for the week. He has other priorities and they won't even meet until the weekend. Second, I will be staying with him for an extended period of time in the near future. This has been planned for many months. I wouldn't even consider her a gf, neither does he, especially since this is a very new LD thing, & they're meeting for the first time.

 

I also know him more than you think. If I told him what she has said to me, I know he would be upset at her, not me. The reason I say we know what the other thinks and such, is because he and I are disabled with the same rare disorder, that most people don't even survive. She is not affected. I'm not saying it means anything, but I know that he and I can and do empathize with each other in ways that we can't relate to or empathize with others. I went through a lot of emotional abuse throughout my childhood, and still do to an extent. He experienced the same, though it got better for him. It's another way we empathize with each other. He wouldn't tell me that she is his priority over me. I know he wouldn't tolerate the things she has said. I wouldn't tolerate it if the situation was reversed.

 

And yes, he and I honestly know each other better than we know ourselves. This is no exaggeration. I know I wanted more than a friendship and still do. He is aware of this and knows that I'm trying to send out the signals I originally wanted to send him. He and I both have strong religious beliefs that one is led by God in life. That is why we hold the possibility and hope that things can still work between us. We believe that God directs life, including who we are meant to be with. There is no choosing one person over another. We pray and rely on God to direct us where we are meant to be, and who we are meant to be with. This is also why I can't and won't walk away from this. I do feel that God is leading me to be with him. And he wants us to remain close friends, as do I, and we will continue praying and seeing where God leads us.

 

Also, I have not received any recent emails from her. Though I did happen to catch her in a lie, from the emails I received before. Anyway, I have not said anything to him. All I'm saying is that if I were to receieve any more emails of this kind, I would take carhill's advice, and forward them directly to him without any commentary.

 

Regardless of relationships/friendships, I believe the principle is what's wrong here. No one should be belittled, warned, lied to, or feel threatened by anyone else! I don't see how anyone here could disagree with that principle.