holiday Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 i'm starting to think there's something wrong with me! i never feel anything for the guys i meet. i've "felt something' for probably 2 people in my life. i meet great guys--great for someone else. i've been on dates with guys who are smart, funny, interesting, attractive (though i'm in NO WAY attracted to them). one guy had a ph.d and spoke 5 languages! why don't i like these guys!? i end up wanting to set them up with my single friends because they're so great. i definitely don't want them. i don't even like them enough for a second or third date. for some reason they seem to like me, but i just don't feel it. also, (and i've had this argument with friends) i know immediately if i like someone. just to humor my friends, i've given a few guys several chances, but no chemistry arose. the few guys i have felt something for have a few things in common: untraditionally attractive (not clean cut), interesting (artsy) jobs, confident, strong-willed, intense, ambitious, quirky, and somewhat unavailable (either emotionally or geographically). by the way, i'm pretty normal. i'm educated, witty, pretty (i've been told), socially capable. i have friends who i have tons of fun with. i don't mind being alone because i love my life, my friends, my dog, my hobbies, but i'd like to eventually meet someone with whom i can share my life. i've been single for 9 months now. i've been on at least 10 dates (i made myself give them a chance. there's been numerous guys i had to reject before the first date even!) questions: should i stop going on dates with guys i know i won't like and wait to meet one i could like? how do i meet a man i could fall in love with? does anyone else have this problem or know someone who does? is there anything i can do about it? thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
gopher Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 1. Don't date guys to just "give them a chance"... 2. Go to art galleries, writing workshops, art classes, photography shows...I'm think your "guy" is there... Link to post Share on other sites
purgatori Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 There's nothing wrong with you, it's guys. If you're not attracted to them, this is a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Isolde Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 There are two issues at play here: 1) Liking emotionally unavailable (EU, on this forum) people. 2) The fact that you're putting too much pressure to have feelings for someone on the first couple dates. The first 3 or so dates are solely to determine whether the two of you are interested in seeing each other on a regular basis. You need to resolve both issues before you can feel confident that you're rejecting someone for the right reasons. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 It doesn't sound like you give men a chance. You will NEVER, EVER fall for someone instantly. You've got to be around them for a time. Perhaps your best bet is to find a nice male friend and get to know him over a period of time in an nonthreatening way. Only problem might be that he would grow uninterested in you when he sees no interest coming from you right off the bat...but that's a chance you'll have to take. Chemistry is such an odd thing. My best guess would be that you will meet a guy by chance, somewhere, sometime, and you will just know that he is the one you've been waiting for. While you're waiting for him to show up, have some fun, eat lots of ice cream and take a nice vacation every year. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 the few guys i have felt something for have a few things in common: untraditionally attractive (not clean cut), interesting (artsy) jobs, confident, strong-willed, intense, ambitious, quirky, and somewhat unavailable (either emotionally or geographically). by the way, i'm pretty normal. i'm educated, witty, pretty (i've been told), socially capable. i have friends who i have tons of fun with. i don't mind being alone because i love my life, my friends, my dog, my hobbies, but i'd like to eventually meet someone with whom i can share my life. i've been single for 9 months now. i've been on at least 10 dates (i made myself give them a chance. there's been numerous guys i had to reject before the first date even!) questions: should i stop going on dates with guys i know i won't like and wait to meet one i could like? how do i meet a man i could fall in love with? does anyone else have this problem or know someone who does? is there anything i can do about it? thanks! I'll take a shot in the dark: 1. Your wise mother has schooled you in the art of dating (or someone else), so you are smart and elusive. 2. You are an independent woman and prefer to be with generally unavailable men - better for the both of your schedules, personal/professional goals. 3. You hope to meet Prince Charming by getting more dates, rather than going for 'better' dates. Link to post Share on other sites
Author holiday Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 thanks for the advice. i do tend to like the emotionally unavailable, possibly because i like having personal time and space. my last boyfriend was similar to me, except he was ultra independent to the point that he was cold and distant--i would wonder if we were even in a relationship at times. i'm sure i need to work on this. how do you change the type of man you are attracted to? tony surprised me when he said you never fall for someone instantly. hmm...the times i've fallen for guys it was instantaneous. i can't imagine it any other way. i don't see someone growing on me. it doesn't happen like that for me (not that it happens often, but...) i'm very hot or cold. i either love you immediately or i don't and never will, or at least that seems to be the pattern. i just wonder if some people have an easier time falling in love than others. i have friends who are never single because they immediately meet someone after a breakup and claim to be in love. this baffles me. sorry i didn't quote these. as for my mother, she has been primarily single since she divorced my father (before i was two, and i just turned 30). she enjoys being single, or ay least that's what she says. i think i fear ending up like her--alone. at least she's been married and has had children. i've done neither, so, yes, i feel some fear and hopelessness. in response to one poster, i am definitely NOT attracted to women (not that there's anything wrong with it). i'm getting impatient about meeting someone partly because i'd love to have sex--with a MAN! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 I think what's wrong is that you think you should meet Mr. Right within 14 days of dating. It might take years... or forever... or never... Another horrible thing is that you think that you SHOULD fall in love with some clean-cut, real-jobbed, decent-boring, whatever-whatever type of man. Somebody (perhaps your parents) likely injected this in your head. There is no recipe for happiness but to meet the man you like, someone caring and loving, compatible with you, slightly challenging, truthful, reliable, who appreciates you... One's job, looks, education, and number of languages they speak don't make for happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
purgatori Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Another horrible thing is that you think that you SHOULD fall in love with some clean-cut, real-jobbed, decent-boring, whatever-whatever type of man. Somebody (perhaps your parents) likely injected this in your head. Yep, what you want is an uneducated, unfeeling, unkempt, a-hole; then you're guaranteed happiness. in response to one poster, i am definitely NOT attracted to women (not that there's anything wrong with it). i'm getting impatient about meeting someone partly because i'd love to have sex--with a MAN! Gross. In that case, I wish you the best of luck in finding the Chris Benoit or Suge Knight of your dreams. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Yep, what you want is an uneducated, unfeeling, unkempt, a-hole; then you're guaranteed happiness. Men are not divided into only two groups. I get the feeling that she is mentally looking for a nice doctor/lawyer who reads the paper every morning, while intimately being attracted to passionate, artistic and unique individuals. There's nothing wrong with having a preference. And yes, a woman can marry a man who is very decent and marketable on paper - and end up miserable. Love is not about how you dress, what grad school you attended or how many languages you speak. It's about emotional/intelectual/sexual compatibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 holiday, you're having issues with finding men you're attracted to and have only been attracted to the following: somewhat unavailable (either emotionally or geographically). So, the only men you're capable of letting go with, are ones that aren't a threat to your freedom. The answer is inside of you somewhere, whether it's buried or denied. I think you need to consider the following aspect and how it's affected you in other ways and not the way you've illustrated about being afraid to be left alone. Also examine why your mother divorced your father. as for my mother, she has been primarily single since she divorced my father (before i was two, and i just turned 30). she enjoys being single, or ay least that's what she says. Link to post Share on other sites
purgatori Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Men are not divided into only two groups. I get the feeling that she is mentally looking for a nice doctor/lawyer who reads the paper every morning, while intimately being attracted to passionate, artistic and unique individuals. There's nothing wrong with having a preference. And yes, a woman can marry a man who is very decent and marketable on paper - and end up miserable. Love is not about how you dress, what grad school you attended or how many languages you speak. It's about emotional/intelectual/sexual compatibility. Right... there's nothing wrong with having a preference, except that the preference of straight women is for men, who are the worst human sex, and the majority seem, additionally, to be attracted to the worst type of men. Link to post Share on other sites
ianandris Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Right... there's nothing wrong with having a preference, except that the preference of straight women is for men, who are the worst human sex, and the majority seem, additionally, to be attracted to the worst type of men. Geez, you're just a wellspring of positive energy. To the point, holiday, don't sweat it if you can manage. Easier said than done, I know, but the only thing to do if you're already making an effort is remain hopeful that you'll meet someone who fits the bill before long. In fact, I really wish I had your problem. I have a tendency to fall for girls way, way, way too easily, and it makes things really tough when the feeling isn't reciprocated. Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Men are not divided into only two groups. I get the feeling that she is mentally looking for a nice doctor/lawyer who reads the paper every morning, while intimately being attracted to passionate, artistic and unique individuals. There's nothing wrong with having a preference. Falling into this clean-cut group, I find it very unfortunate that we are relegated to the bottom of the gene pool again and again. I also take exception to the notion that we have no passion, artistry, or uniqueness. They simply take less conventional forms and can be difficult to bring to the surface so others can easily see them. Sometimes so difficult that it's easier to try and seek a partner to supply the passion and emotion in the relationship. Of course, this rarely works, but given the OP's propensity for emotionally unavailable men, I wonder if she is doing this very thing -- looking for a partner who initially appears that he can supply all the passion instead of tapping into her own. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Falling into this clean-cut group, I find it very unfortunate that we are relegated to the bottom of the gene pool again and again. GoodonPaper, I would liek to comfort you, but everybody likes being around passionate people. Even the passionate people like to be around other passionate people. Oh, wait, not really. The clean-cut types are very attrative but not to al types of women, while passionate women are attractive to all types of men. Don't be fooled by statistics. You should find the women who suits you and she can't possibly be someone that doesn't like the type you represent. You only need one woman. Link to post Share on other sites
confused_2008 Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Right... there's nothing wrong with having a preference, except that the preference of straight women is for men, who are the worst human sex, and the majority seem, additionally, to be attracted to the worst type of men. Are you slowly trying to come out on these boards or what? Your responses have NO bearing on this thread. Go start your own thread about your issues instead of dropping hints here. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I * get * the intensity of what you are trying to say. I have been single and dating for like 3 years ! I finally clicked and found someone very special. I do get what you are saying about * feeling * right about the person and they can't just * grow * on you. It seems friendzoned guys are the ones that grow on me. Attraction and chemistry for me are instantaneous as well. Within that day ( date ) I know if they are someone I would further like to get to know and spend time with. Time does tell ! I have tried the give the guy 3 dates thing but always come back to the instinct. That guy I gave 3 tries never works out. Something is lacking . I feel that. Trust your instincts, Link to post Share on other sites
purgatori Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Are you slowly trying to come out on these boards or what? Your responses have NO bearing on this thread. Go start your own thread about your issues instead of dropping hints here. Come out? I think you're confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author holiday Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 Thanks Mary. I know within minutes if I'm going to fall for someone. I mean, I could make a list of traits I'd like to find in a guy, but none of those matter if I meet someone I feel chemistry with. It must be pheromones! I was with someone for almost 3 yrs, single now for 9 months and I'm really afraid I will never feel the same intensity of feelings for another guy. I know I just need to be patient... Link to post Share on other sites
kizik Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 It gets really hard being single when American culture hits you over the head, day to day, with the message that "You're nobody till somebody loves you..." I like what Nikki said - it's easy to date someone. It's hard to date someone GREAT. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 Maybe you're trying too hard. Have you thought of that? Just enjoy the dates for what it is, if you're not into a guy I would advise not to accept a date in the first place...but who knows, you might wind up liking him! As they say, happiness comes when you're not looking for it! Link to post Share on other sites
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