Ladies, what do you think of this "apology" letter?

[somedude81]

I have been feeling like utter crap for what I did to a poor sweet girl who was a very close friend that I spent a lot of time with. I don't want her to forgive me, but I want her to understand why.

 

I've been working on this for a couple of days

--------------------------------------

I need to explain why I said those horrible things, not because I want you to like me, not because I want you to tolerate my presence, not because I want you to forgive me and not because I want you to stop hating me, but because this has been eating at my very soul. I have never felt so ashamed, dirty, stupid and evil as I do now. I should have never willingly hurt the most important person in my life. I was so wrong. I cannot imagine what pain I have put you through.

 

These two weeks have been the most difficult in my life. Never before have I shed so many tears, had so little energy and slept so poorly. It all started when you had that you told me slept with Kevin, I was completely crushed. I know you had no intention of hurting me but never before was I so wounded by a woman. I tried to pretend I was strong and not let you know that I was hurt. But the damage was done and I knew things would never be the same again.

 

Since we were never together it took me a while to realize why it hurt me so. Then I had figured out that over the months I had become very attached to you. I don’t know how many times we hung out but every one of them felt like a date to me. Even though I knew we weren’t together, my heart thought we had been dating for a few months.

That’s when I understood I needed to confess my feelings for you and get the rejection I knew was certain. Then I had to do it in person so I had arranged that Friday meeting. Even though I had told you everything I wanted to say, I did not get the result I was expecting. Since I am so used to being hurt by women and them wanting to never have anything to do with me, your kindness foolishly led me to believe that I still had a chance.

 

For a time everything seemed to be alright, but it wasn’t. When I saw that you changed your status on Facebook to single, like the idiot I am, I thought my chance had come. Then I quickly found out I was wrong. I knew that even if you did not have a man in your life, you would choose to be alone rather than be with me. You simply had no interest.

 

Then the anger came and with it were feelings of spite and revenge. I wanted to hurt you, just as you and every woman I have ever liked had hurt me, whether they had wanted to or not. So I began to lie and present myself as a jerk so that you would hate me. And I’m sorry to say that it worked. When I told you I just wanted sex, it was a lie. When I said I didn’t want a relationship it was a lie. When I said I don’t believe in love, it was a lie. When I said I didn’t want to be your friend, it was a lie.

 

I’m still too hung up on sex, and I know it is retarded to think that sex is more important than friendship. All that talk about me wanting a shot, was the stupidest **** I have ever said in my life. I should know better than to beg a girl for sex, especially one who was such a good friend. I did want a relationship with you, and I was willing to go as deep or shallow into it as you were. If you wanted to see other people as well that would have been fine. The only thing that mattered to me was being able to be with you.

 

Love is an issue entirely different. All throughout my life my affections with women have always been one sided. Half the girls I had crushes on, I never had a conversation with. It was nothing more than feelings of passion, lust, or infatuation. With you there was actual intimacy.

 

(Taken from my Human Sexuality textbook) Intimacy: the emotional closeness two people feel. Includes such factors as wanting what is best for the partner, feeling the partner’s happiness, holding the partner in very high regard, feeling able to count on the partner in times of need, sharing a sense of mutual understanding, giving and receiving emotional support and being able to share private and personal thoughts and feelings with the partner.

 

Sorry for the textbook definition but it perfectly described what I felt for you. I know you had some feelings of intimacy for me. But there was no passion, no interest no desire. Either way intimacy without passion is liking. Now it makes since why you said you liked me, but not in that way. But me, I had feelings of intimacy + passion. When intimacy and passion combine, they make romantic love. A few days later when all of the crap was said and as much as didn’t want to admit it, I understood that I had fallen in love. Frankly it is not something I want to go through. I HATE the thought of love. It means nothing more to me than feelings of pain, anger and being unable to control ones thoughts and feelings.

 

I know that saying I’m in love with you is a poor reason for doing the crap I did. But it has giving me some understanding of why things happened. The saying that “You always hurt the one you love,” couldn’t be truer.

 

I know things can never go back to the way things were, I know you will never want to be my friend again or having anything at all to do with me. That is fine because I am not deserving of any kindness from you. If you wish it I will never contact you or even try to talk to you again.

 

Just know this, I am deeply sorry for what I have done to you and I know that you will never forgive me and yet I will never forget you her (first and last name).

Signed,

The Fool

 

 

 

 

P.S.

If you get a chance, look up the video for “Hoobastank - The Reason” on YouTube.

--------------------

I plan to give this to her on Tuesday which is 8 days after we had the fight. So far the only communication I had from her was a text that she sent me yesterday where she told me that she never wanted to talk to me again and to please leave her alone. Between then and Monday the 9th she simply didn't reply to anything.

 

As much as I want to respect her wishes I desperately need closure. I'm still not sure if I want to give her the letter and I have no clue what kind of reaction to expect from her.

 

Also I'm deciding if I should just print it or write the whole thing out using a pen.

[WTRanger]

Well I'm not a lady so I won't comment on the context of the letter, but I will offer this bit of advice. Write it out by hand, printing it is not very personal. Handwritten letters are not very common these days, so hopefully it'll show it's from your heart. However, as you are writing this take your time. Write it slowly. Above all, make sure she can read it! When you are done, put the letter in an envelope and SAVE it for 2-4 weeks.

 

After that time, open the letter up and re-read it. If you still feel the same way then send it to this girl. If you feel differently but still want to send it, then re-write the letter to fit your calmer feelings. As time goes on, you'll gain perspective as what's best to say. You might even be able to shrink the letter down in size. I'd say your best shot is one side of a standard page at best. Anything larger and she may or may not read it based on the size or just glance it over and miss what you are really trying to say.

 

I think if you do it now, she'll just tear it up without reading it. Give some time to pass and let both of your feelings subside. Though, I would omit the words "never" from your letter. Never is too strong and too final of a word. Always leave it open as you do not know what the future holds. Don't tell her how she is supposed to feel about you, let her decide that.

[era]

SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE NEVER WANTED TO TALK TO ME AGAIN AND TO PLEASE LEAVE HER ALONE.

 

.....is English not your first language?

[somedude81]

Wow 2-4 weeks is a long time. I've already waited one week. Can she really be that mad for this long? If we were actually dating it would make since for her to be madder for a longer period of time.

 

Right now I feel that if I don't do something to explain I'm always going to have to keep looking around to make sure I don't run into her. We also work together at least once a week so we need to be able to be civil to each other.

 

Most importantly I need to get this off my chest. It feels like this whole issue is slowly killing me. Today I went the university health center with complaints of insomnia. I was prescribed some Ambien. Took a pill at 9:40 and hoped into bed. Lo and behold, I woke up at 1 am and I'm doing this message at 3:40. 24 hour constant headaches don't help either. I know I'm taking this whole thing a lot worse than she is.

 

I'm going to see a university counselor on Monday. Hopefully they can help clear some stuff up. I'm going to decide what to do after I have the meeting.

 

I will reread the letter and remove the never's and I'll try remove any part that tells her how to feel.

 

I would really like more input into the actual content.

 

Honestly though if I do give it to her and she read's it, what is the worse thing that can happen? I don't think she can dislike me anymore then she does now.

[blondesmiler]

Maybe I am missing something but you say you were never together but when she changed her FB status to single you went mad at her?

 

Is it that you want to apologise to her, or just that you want to make yourself feel better? Cause from what I have read it does seem to be more about you, rather than her and whatever it is that you did to her and how that made her feel.

[SummerSun]

The letter is a good idea...but I would take out all the self deprecating stuff that isn't pleasant to read and came across to me as 'everyone has sh*t on me therefore I sh*t on you and you must now feel sorry for me'. The letter starts with such strength, that is what you need to carry on throughout. Plainly and openly stating how you felt/feel for her and apologising. An explanation is NOT necessary. You do not need to explain about all the other girls you had crushes on that came to nothing...that takes away from the meaning of the letter - a letter to tell her how you felt/feel and that you are sorry for what you did.

[somedude81]

Maybe I am missing something but you say you were never together but when she changed her FB status to single you went mad at her?

 

Is it that you want to apologise to her, or just that you want to make yourself feel better? Cause from what I have read it does seem to be more about you, rather than her and whatever it is that you did to her and how that made her feel.

Even though she was liked a guy and had sex with them, she had left her FB status blank. So then one night she decides to list herself as single. So asked her about it and she says that she is single and things with that guy are cool, they are still "talking" what ever talking is supposed to me. I had thought her changing her FB status to single meant that she wasn't "talking" to him any more.

 

I don't really want to apologize because I know it is pointless. She will never say, "Oh Dude I forgive you." I do want to vent and make sure she understands why things happened. Hopefully she won't feel disgusted when ever she looks at me.

 

Should I change it to make it more about her?

The letter is a good idea...but I would take out all the self deprecating stuff that isn't pleasant to read and came across to me as 'everyone has sh*t on me therefore I sh*t on you and you must now feel sorry for me'. The letter starts with such strength, that is what you need to carry on throughout. Plainly and openly stating how you felt/feel for her and apologising. An explanation is NOT necessary. You do not need to explain about all the other girls you had crushes on that came to nothing...that takes away from the meaning of the letter - a letter to tell her how you felt/feel and that you are sorry for what you did.

So an explanation is not necessary?

 

I don't want her pity. But I do want her to see the primary reason why I said what I did.

 

BTW did anybody go out and look at the Hoobstank video?

 

 

Ver2.0

---------------------------------------------

Her name,

I want you to know the reason why I said those horrible things, not because I want you to like me, not because I want you to tolerate my presence, not because I want you to forgive me and not because I want you to stop hating me, but because this has been eating at my very soul. I have never felt so ashamed, dirty, stupid and evil as I do now. I should have never willingly hurt the most important person in my life. I was so wrong. I cannot imagine what pain I have put you through.

 

These two weeks have been the most difficult in my life. Never before have I shed so many tears, had so little energy and slept so poorly. It all started when you told me that you had slept with Kevin, I was completely crushed. I know you had no intention of hurting me but never before was I so wounded by a woman. I tried to pretend I was strong and not let you know that I was hurt. But the damage was done and I knew things would never be the same again.

 

Since we were never together it took me a while to realize why it hurt me so. Then I had figured out that over the months I had become very attached to you. I don’t know how many times we hung out but every one of them felt like a date to me. Even though I knew we weren’t together, my heart thought we had been dating for a few months.

 

That’s when I understood I needed to confess my feelings for you and get the rejection I knew was certain. Then I had to do it in person so I had arranged that Friday meeting. Even though I had told you everything I wanted to say, I did not get the result I was expecting. Since I am so used to being hurt by women and them wanting to never have anything to do with me, your kindness foolishly led me to believe that I still had a chance.

 

For a time everything seemed to be alright, but it wasn’t. When I saw that you changed your status on Facebook to single, like the idiot I am, I thought my chance had come. Then I quickly found out that nothing between you and Kevin had changed and I was wrong. I knew that even if you did not have a man in your life, you would choose to be alone rather than be with me. There was simply no interest.

 

Then the anger came and with it were feelings of spite and revenge. Like a bitter fool I wanted to hurt you. So I began to lie and present myself as a jerk so that you would hate me. And I’m sorry to say that it worked. When I told you I just wanted sex, it was a lie. When I said I didn’t want a relationship it was a lie. When I said I don’t believe in love, it was a lie. When I said I didn’t want to be your friend, it was a lie.

 

I’m still too hung up on sex, and I know it is retarded to think that sex is more important than friendship. All that talk about me wanting a shot, was the stupidest **** I have ever said in my life. I should know better than to beg a girl for sex, especially one who was such a good friend. I did want a relationship with you, and I was willing to go as deep or shallow into it as you were. If you wanted to see other people as well that would have been fine. The only thing that mattered to me was being able to be with you.

 

Love is an issue entirely different. Never in my left had I felt so close to a woman. In the past I only had feelings of passion, lust, or infatuation for the women I was interested in. With you there was actual intimacy.

 

(Taken from my Human Sexuality textbook) Intimacy: the emotional closeness two people feel. Includes such factors as wanting what is best for the partner, feeling the partner’s happiness, holding the partner in very high regard, feeling able to count on the partner in times of need, sharing a sense of mutual understanding, giving and receiving emotional support and being able to share private and personal thoughts and feelings with the partner.

 

Sorry for the textbook definition but it perfectly described what I felt for you. I know you had some feelings of intimacy for me. But there was no passion, no interest no desire. Either way intimacy without passion is liking. Now it makes since why you said you liked me, but not in that way. But me, I had feelings of intimacy + passion. When intimacy and passion combine, they make romantic love. A few days later when all of the crap was said and as much as didn’t want to admit it, I understood that I had fallen in love. Frankly it is not something I want to go through. I HATE the thought of love. It means nothing more to me than feelings of pain, anger and being unable to control ones thoughts and feelings.

 

I know that saying I’m in love with you is a poor reason for doing the **** I did. But it has giving me some understanding of why things happened. The saying that “You always hurt the one you love,” couldn’t be truer.

 

I know things can’t go back to the way things were, I know you will not want to be my friend again or having anything at all to do with me. That is fine because I am not deserving of any kindness from you. If you wish it I will not contact you or even try to talk to you again.

 

Just know this, I am deeply sorry for what I have done to you and I know that you will not forgive me and yet I will never forget you (her name)

 

Signed,

The Fool

 

 

 

 

P.S.

If you get a chance, look up the video for “Hoobastank - The Reason” on YouTube.

[headlesschicken]

......tl,dr......

[sprinkles00]

TBH, the idea of telling her to look up the music video is cheesy. Or at least, I'd see it as cheesy, but maybe she's into that kind of thing...

 

Also having stuff like "never before was I so wounded by a woman", "and get the rejection I knew was certain", "Since I am so used to being hurt by women and them wanting to never have anything to do with me", "like the idiot I am", etc.. seem self-pitying. This letter isn't about insulting yourself or pointing out how many times you've been rejected by girls... that's not going to appeal to her or make her feel sorry for you, or get her to accept your apology... it only looks desperate... forget all of that and focus on HER.

[somedude81]

Yeah telling her to look up a music video is cheesy and I'm not going to have that part when I write it by hand. But OMG that song is so accurate.

 

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

 

I've found out a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is you

 

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

Thats why i need you to hear

It is so accurate it's scary. I have never heard of a better "Goodbye, I'm sorry" song in my life

 

How do I avoid sounding self-pitying? What are some ways I can better explain that will resonate with her? I do want her to forgive me but I don't believe I deserve it. I have so much self-loathing because of this. I really want to be able to move on. I want to be able to say goodbye to her with peace in my heart.

 

How can I focus more on her?

[carhill]

Write less, kiss other girls more. Trust me

[somedude81]

How can I better rephrase this?

 

Since I am so used to being hurt by women and them wanting to never have anything to do with me, your kindness foolishly led me to believe that I still had a chance.

As for this line

That’s when I understood I needed to confess my feelings for you and get the rejection I knew was certain.

I knew that she was going to reject me. But I went through it any way. I needed to get everything out in the open.

 

BTW I'm so annoyed that I can't update my the original post with the newest version of the letter.

[carhill]

I can empathize with your annoyance

 

Try re-posting the letter with the parts updated in bold text...

 

Re-read my advice. It's predicated upon about 30 years of experience being a wordsmith in relationships....

[somedude81]

I would love to kiss other girls. Though right now my mind is only on her and I would turn down every other girl to be with her. It has totally gone beyond the physical side. The fact that I have failed with girls for so long has no doubt greatly affected me.

 

Here is the letter V3.0

 

Parts in bold are differences between v3.0 and 1.0

 

-------------------------------------------

 

I want you to know the reason why I said those horrible things, not because I want you to like me, not because I want you to tolerate my presence, not because I want you to forgive me and not because I want you to stop hating me, but because this has been eating at my very soul. I have never felt so ashamed, dirty, stupid and evil as I do now. I should have never willingly hurt the most important person in my life. I was so wrong. I cannot imagine what pain I have put you through.

 

These two weeks have been the most difficult in my life. Never before have I shed so many tears, had so little energy and slept so poorly. It all started when you told me that you had slept with Kevin, I was completely crushed. I know you had no intention of hurting me. You simply had no idea that I had any feelings for you. I know you are not the kind of person who would willing try and make somebody else feel pain. I tried to pretend I was strong and not let you know that I was hurt. But the damage was done and I knew things would never be the same again.

 

Since we were never together it took me a while to realize why it hurt me so. Then I had figured out that over the months I had become very attached to you. I don’t know how many times we hung out but every one of them felt like a date to me. Even though I knew we weren’t together, my heart thought we had been dating for a few months.

 

That’s when I understood I needed to confess my feelings for you and get the rejection I knew was certain. I needed to see you so I had arranged that Friday meeting. Even though I had told you everything I wanted to say, I did not get the result I was expecting. Since I am so used to being hurt by women and them wanting to never have anything to do with me, your kindness foolishly led me to believe that I still had a chance.

 

(I can not think of a way to rewrite the first and last sentences of that paragraph)

 

 

For a time everything seemed to be alright, but it wasn’t. When I saw that you changed your status on Facebook to single, I thought my chance had come. Then I quickly found out that nothing between you and Kevin had changed and I was wrong. I knew that even if you did not have a man in your life, you would choose to be alone rather than be with me. There was simply no interest.

 

Then the anger came and with it were feelings of spite and revenge. Like a bitter fool I wanted to hurt you. So I began to lie and present myself as a jerk so that you would hate me. And I’m sorry to say that it worked. When I told you I just wanted sex, it was a lie. When I said I didn’t want a relationship it was a lie. When I said I don’t believe in love, it was a lie. When I said I didn’t want to be your friend, it was a lie.

 

I’m still too hung up on sex, and I know it is retarded to think that sex is more important than friendship. All that talk about me wanting a shot, was the stupidest **** I have ever said in my life. I should know better than to beg a girl for sex, especially one who was such a good friend. I did want a relationship with you, and I was willing to go as deep or shallow into it as you were. If you wanted to see other people as well that would have been fine. The only thing that mattered to me was being able to be with you. 

 

Love is an issue entirely different. Never in my left had I felt so close to a woman. In the past I only had feelings of passion, lust, or infatuation for the women I was interested in. With you there was actual intimacy.

 

(Taken from my Human Sexuality textbook) Intimacy: the emotional closeness two people feel. Includes such factors as wanting what is best for the partner, feeling the partner’s happiness, holding the partner in very high regard, feeling able to count on the partner in times of need, sharing a sense of mutual understanding, giving and receiving emotional support and being able to share private and personal thoughts and feelings with the partner.

 

Sorry for the textbook definition but it perfectly described what I felt for you. I know you had some feelings of intimacy for me. But there was no passion, no interest no desire. Either way intimacy without passion is liking. Now it makes since why you said you liked me, but not in that way. But me, I had feelings of intimacy + passion. When intimacy and passion combine, they make romantic love. A few days later when all of the crap was said and as much as didn’t want to admit it, I understood that I had fallen in love. Frankly it is not something I want to go through. I HATE the thought of love. It means nothing more to me than feelings of pain, anger and being unable to control ones thoughts and feelings.

 

I know that saying I’m in love with you is a poor reason for doing the **** I did. But it has giving me some understanding of why things happened. The saying that “You always hurt the one you love,” couldn’t be truer.

 

I know things can’t go back to the way things were, I know you will not want to be my friend again or want anything at all to do with me. That is fine because I am not deserving of any kindness from you. If you wish it I will not contact you or even try to talk to you again.

 

Just know this, I am deeply sorry for what I have done to you and I will never forget you (her name)

 

Signed,

The Fool

[carhill]

Stop projecting. You assume too much about her. More editing is required

[Trialbyfire]

somedude, I think writing out your letter and perfecting it, can be very therapeutic.

 

Do yourself a favour though and don't send it.

[somedude81]

Eh now I'm getting more confused. One person tells me to focus more on her and you say I'm assuming too much of her. I want the letter to have an impact.

 

Obviously I'm not a girl so I don't know how they would read it. Ugh I can't fully explain what I mean.

 

Trialbyfire,

 

I still haven't 100 decided to give it to her. Right now my decision is to write the whole thing out Monday night, put it in an envelope and stick it in my backpack. When I run into her Tuesday at work I'll see how things are then I'll realize what to do.

 

But yes, the whole thing has been therapeutic for me.

[Trialbyfire]

Here's a girl who's just texted you to leave her alone. This is why I caution you to send a long letter to her. She's hurt and angry and a long explanation isn't going to do much beyond pissing her off more.

 

If you need to apologize, just send a brief apology like "I'm really, really sorry. I was hurt and lashed out at you. Know that I'll always care. Take care of yourself."

 

I wouldn't even recommend a brief apology, at least right now. Maybe when time has dulled her pain a bit.

[carhill]

I know you will not want to be my friend again or want anything at all to do with me.

 

Don't presume this. Why would you presume this. Why are you thinking for her or feeling for her. That's crap thinking

 

I know you had no intention of hurting me. You simply had no idea that I had any feelings for you. I know you are not the kind of person who would willing try and make somebody else feel pain.

 

More projection. Stop that. You know nothing of her intentions or "what kind of person" she is.

 

 

Here is something that MC taught me...... Focus on your feelings....hurt, joy, anger, whatever. Use "I feel" descriptors.

 

Just a blanket example..... "I felt hurt by your actions and words and I really wish I had expressed my love for you more clearly. I'm sorry that my words and actions appear to have caused you pain. Please accept that I would never want to hurt you purposely. I will remember you always" Bla, bla....

 

OK, I just saved you 165.00 per hour. You're welcome

[somedude81]

Here's a girl who's just texted you to leave her alone. This is why I caution you to send a long letter to her. She's hurt and angry and a long explanation isn't going to do much beyond pissing her off more.

 

If you need to apologize, just send a brief apology like "I'm really, really sorry. I was hurt and lashed out at you. Know that I'll always care. Take care of yourself."

 

I wouldn't even recommend a brief apology, at least right now. Maybe when time has dulled her pain a bit.

LOL so simple yet so elegant. That's actually something I can say to her in person. I hope a week is long enough for her to calm down.

 

I'm starting to feel that this whole letter thing is unnecessary. If she will let me talk to her then I will say something very similar to that then just leave her alone. What happens next, is up to her.

 

carhill, thanks for the assistance.

[Trialbyfire]

Good luck somedude!

[johan]

She may be upset at you, but that doesn't mean she doesn't still respect you. But if she doesn't want to hear from you, then a message from the pathetic version of you isn't going to make her like you more. It will definitely make her respect you less.