Just need to vent...

[Hysteria09]

This is my first time posting on here, so I'm not sure what to write

or how detailed I should be, but since I am anonymous here I guess I won't hold back...

 

I'm in college, I met my boyfriend 2 1/2 years ago on an online game.

I was in 11th grade at the time. We were friends at first, but then we started talking more and more and soon I developed a crush on him.

 

But...

 

During that time, I was with my (now Ex). He was my first boyfriend. I

was with him for 3 1/2 years straight. I'm not a sociable person, I

didn't have any friends to hang out with during HS, so everyday I

would always spend time with him. He was like my best friend, but he

wasn't a very good boyfriend.

 

For example, he would joke around too much. He would (beg) for me to

buy him things when we'd go to the mall. He also well "pressured" me

into doing things sexually when we were just 14. He would act

"depressed" and say its ok when I said no, but inside I wanted a

boyfriend so bad, no boy has ever took an interest in me, so I didn't

want to disappoint him so I gave in. We did pretty much everything BUT

sex, I was naive but not THAT naive.

 

During march, the guy I met online, was starting to become more than a

friend. I found myself anxious to share my day with him, and I was so

surprised that he actually took an interest in things like what book I

was reading and even deeper subjects like what my values and morals

were.

 

But he lived in Canada, and I'm here in California. I was so scared of

being alone that, as much as I wanted to believe this relationship

could work out, a part of me was optimistic.

 

As me and the guy I met online became more and more closer, I knew I

had to break up with my (now Ex). Especially since he told me he loved

me, and inside I knew that he was something special.

It took me from March to late June to finally break up with him. I was

telling TWO guys I loved them. When I obviously didn't love my (now

Ex). My current boyfriend KNEW all the time. He knew I hadn't broken

up with him yet.

 

And not ONCE did he give me a choice or pressure me to break up with

my (now Ex). He was hurt, and I was too occupied in trying not to hurt

my (now Ex) that I was overlooking who I was hurting most. But still

he acted content, and tried to understand my reason for the delay. But

now that I am out of this situation, I look back and I can't believe

how much pain he concealed just so he wouldn't lose me.

 

 

I felt guilty, and I was just trying not to hurt anyone. I didn't want

to hurt my Ex, he was a terrible boyfriend, but an extremely sensitive

person. I knew him for 3 1/2 years, and I knew he would fall into a

depression if I ever left him. During those months, I was so

unbalanced emotionally that I started to feel sick more and more

often.

 

During those months I avoided kissing my (now Ex) but there was one

time I let it go and gave in, and that scared me because after, I felt

a sudden rush of guilt and I remember having a complete break down and

found myself starting to vomit everytime I let the guilt sink in more.

And that day I told my (now current boyfriend)what had happend, and

I'm sure he was even more hurt.

 

 

I've been with my current boyfriend for a while now, this month is a

year from when this all began. We've seen eachother once for a week 6

months ago. And as much as he tries to put this all behind him, he

frequently reminds me of how much pain I put him through. I know what

I did was wrong, I know I shouldn't have put so much thought on

hurting my (now Ex). I cannot stress how much I regret this delay. It

has effected my current boyfriend deeply, and even though he says he

forgives me and admires how much I try not to hurt anyone, I know he

is still hurt.

 

I'm not expecting replies to this, I guess its just me trying to vent.

I'm not a girl who cheats, I would NEVER. EVER. cheat on my current

boyfriend. He's the one. If we've survived this, and we are still

going strong despite the 3,000 miles between us, I know we're meant to

be.When we're together, all of this doesn't come to mind. We're focused

on eachother, not how we met, or how we became a couple, but how we

feel NOW at this moment. I wish I would of made better decisions in the

beginning of our relationship, but I cannot stress how grateful I am

to have found someone so patient and forgiving.