worried_guy Posted October 9, 2003 Share Posted October 9, 2003 I'm needing some advice here. I'm due to get married in a couple of weeks, and everything's going fine, except for one thing. The video. It's the one thing that I categorically didn't want, but my fiancee has insisted on. the closer the big day gets, the more freaked out I'm getting about it. I really hate being videoed, and I've already said that I'll never actually watch the finished result. So why is she putting me through this torture? I've tried to explain several times how much it's upsetting me but she seems not to understand how I feel. The problem is now that I dont think it can be sorted without one of us resenting the other over it. the only way I'm going to get out of this situation is by taking the 'childish' option, and I don't want to do that. But I can't help feeling that if she really cared then she would put my feelings first. I know I would back down if she was as unhappy about something. She's already claimed a 'compromise' by having the videoographer stay away from me, but I will still know that he's there. Am I being totally selfish? what can I do? It's not the money aspect either, I really don't care about that at this point in time... Thanks in advance for any replies... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 9, 2003 Share Posted October 9, 2003 I have had friends who hated being photographed. I never quite get that - if you don't like to look at the finished product, why deprive others of their pleasure at doing so? This is one chance to record this event and many people treasure having memories such as this. So yes, in wanting to deny them this, you are being selfish. What possible harm could it do for others to video you? Do your fiancee a favour; go to a counsellor for a session or two and get over this aversion you have as a present to her. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted October 9, 2003 Share Posted October 9, 2003 Well, it sounds like she is trying to compromise with you by keeping the videographer away from you, but that is not the compromise you want - is that correct? Is there a compromise you can suggest that will make you feel better and still fulfill some of her desires? Life and marriage is full of this - you need to learn how to work out these things NOW so that you can apply the same principles to the really serious problems you may face in a marriage. How about if he tapes the ceremony itself and one other activity that involves you - like cutting the cake? He can then tape her and the bouquet and maybe a couple of other things and then leave. Have everyone take lots of pictures and those pictures can be incorported into an edited final version of the wedding later. That way you know exactly when he will be taping and when he leaves, and she will get the key parts on tape. Link to post Share on other sites
novascade Posted October 9, 2003 Share Posted October 9, 2003 take the film it'll be there to remind you of how you commited to one another memory are good ,vhs or cdr are better Link to post Share on other sites
worried_guy Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 I appreciate the replies. When we started making the plans, this was the only thing that I was categorical about. I didn't get the chance to fully explain how I felt, as her sister and mother were getting a bit carried away with the whole thing. Then before I knew it, the thing was booked before I got the chance to put my feelings forward. I admit that I have low self esteem, I suffer from depression. I detest seeing myself on video. I will cross the street to avoid walking past a video camera, even in a shop window. The issue has escalated in my mind that, knowing all this, she still wants to put me through this. If she can make me this unhappy about something like this, what will happen when it's something really big? I don't buy the 'don't worry, you wont have to watch it' because that will be turned into 'go on, just once'. An analogy: she has a phobia of spiders. I wouldn't insist on getting one as a pet, or make her watch arachnaphobia. I'm almost at the stage of saying if you want a video of your big day, find another man. I don't want to do that. but I think it's the only way that she will see how unhappy I am. Link to post Share on other sites
novascade Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 have someone record you without you knowing it might help you if you didn't know that the camera where i record people (not porn) so what if people see you, they see you all the time at work on the street almost everywhere beside God see you all the time and you can't hide from him fear is all in the mind be scared of nothing but God you can do this don't back down camera don't think don't breath don't hurt you.......unless someone is beating you down with one Link to post Share on other sites
Abby Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 I know exactly what you're dealing with when it comes to a phobia and I am not going to try and convince you that you should comply with anyone's wishes just to make them happy. I don't see this as a compromise, I see it as a control issue. I am 34 yrs. old and have had a severe phobia of driving for most of my life. I am now a single mother who is now having to face this fear and force myself to learn how to drive and get my license in order to survive. Every time I get behind the wheel I start to feel nauseated, dizzy and start to sweat. What is your bride-to-be going to do if during this video you vomit or pass out? I've had most people tell me that my problem stems from low self esteem and lack of confidence and how driving is no big issue and I need to "just get over it." I say unless someone has walked a mile in my shoes they have no right to compare me to themselves. While others see your problem as trivial I see it as serious. Is it really worth it to your bride to put you through all of this anxiety just to please herself and others? You said you have a fear of being video taped does that mean you also have a fear of having your picture taken? If not, then there is your compromise. I'm sorry but I feel she is the one who is being disrespectful and selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
aquaria127 Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 One video idea I've seen before is using some still images: The "I do's," the kiss, cutting the cake, first dance, (whatever would normally be included in the photo album) put with favorite songs and voice-overs, interspersed with video of the reception and short "interviews" with close friends and family. Does your aversion extend to playing "cameraman"? If you can do that, your wife could see it through your eyes, and you could be a part of it. who actually *loves* seeing themselves on video? be proud that your wife isn't telling you she doesn't want to see your mug on the screen! for real though, one day when you're old and gray you might wish you had some tangible images to bring back those memories and share with your kids (if you have them)...? at least that's what my grandparents tell me. (who could only afford three or four wedding photographs) Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 You don't *have* to live with phobias and foist them on everyone around you. Psychology has very good success in eliminating phobias. I liken it to having a disease and refusing to see a doctor. Go to a shrink and get this fixed. As I understand it, it doesn't even take a very long time to get rid of a phobia. Would you rather live your life being seriously hampered by phobias? If so, please explain why. Link to post Share on other sites
worried_guy Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 it's not the phobia that's the issue here. I don't think my life will be seriously hampered by a dislike of being in front of a video camera. To answer your original question, why deprive others of the pleasure? because I don't think that all their combined pleasure adds up to the amount of discomfort that I'll go through for it. I'm finding the whole day stressful enough without the added factor of a videographer filming everything that goes on. I'm also concerned that she's still prepared to subject me to something that I am this uncomfortable about. The problem is not the phobia, it's the resentment that I'm feeling already which may ultimately destroy the relationship. That's the harm it may do. I don't want to spoil the day, but it's going to spoil mine. I don't understand why she would deliberately insist on doing something that was going to make me so uncomfortable. I feel like she doesn't care about my feelings, and as such I don't know if I can marry someone who would do that to me. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 You might as well call the wedding off. Disputes like this will arise often. One of you will REALLY want something that the other does not. At least one of you needs a generous spirit or both of you need some negotiation skills. Neither of you appears to have negotiated. In this case, too, there is more at stake because it's not just any old day and any old video - it's a one-only, now or never thing. You seem to be making this a battle to be won and a symbol of whether or not she loves you. She is asking for something that she can have for a lifetime and asking you to overcome a couple hours' grief to give her that. As it is, you'll be so busy you'll forget all about being videoed anyway unless you let it eat you up. Frankly, I think you're being unreasonable. It's one day that will NEVER be recreated. If you get killed young, she'll have it to watch with you in it. As a matter of fact, if something happens to her, you'd have it as a memory. Your kids could watch your wedding video - that's pretty cool. But no. I am close to positive that this is a power struggle more than anything. But continue in the power struggle if you wish. Don't overcome the 'discomfort', even though you could with a little bit of help. Hold this as a major point of contention. Expect to have similar struggles through the duration of your predictably short marriage. Or, you could see a counsellor together before you marry and see if you two are capable of doing the negotiations that will be required of a married couple. Or maybe you don't really want to get married and have found one good excuse for yourself. Surely a lifetime with somebody you ostensibly love is worth a couple hours' slight discomfort. Link to post Share on other sites
worried_guy Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 I understand what you're saying, but it feels like you're belittleing my fears. Perhaps I'm not used to your style, but a lot of what you are saying, whilst undoubtedly heartfelt and honest, comes across as harsh and bitter. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but would I be equally unreasonable if the roles were reversed? I know it's a once in a lifetime thing, and she's already cited the, quite frankly, morbid reason that you have. I honestly feel that I have compromised a lot already. I don't feel comfortable socially. it's part of who I am. I would far rather dispense with the whole first dance and stuff like that. I absolutely hate dancing, partly because I'm absolutley $hit at it, and very self conscious too. but I've not made a big deal about it, even the tune she wants, I don't really care for. I've gone along with everything else that she wants because it's part of the wedding tradition, and she knows this. I don't think that videoing is part of that tradition. I don't feel it's necessary. It's already making me very uncomfortable. I feel like an accessory rather than part of the whole thing - everything is being done for the benefit of everybody else. Perhaps I do need serious therapy. perhaps I am a screwball. That's where I am right now. I've already had two depressive episodes in the last month. A third could put me over the edge. mabye I should just shut up and let her have the day *she* wants. Link to post Share on other sites
niko1999 Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 Have you seeked cousiling? Becuase it sounds as if you really need to. As far as the video, I hate to sound rude, but GET OVER IT. Hopefully, youre going to be more preoccupied with your wedding day, then whether or not youre getting video taped. Trust me, youre going to have a lot more on your mind than that. I dont know, its just my point of view, but I think you are being unreasonable witht this whole situation. Like I said, I htink youre going to be a little more worried about not making an a8s of yourselft at the alter if youre so self concerned about yourself. And if youre getting this worked up over her wanting to video tape your wedding,a dn you wont let her, I hate to imagine what will happen when she wants to perhaps change jobs. but if youre having this many issues, and youre in a depression I think you neeed to get counseling andg et on meds. Link to post Share on other sites
maskee28 Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 You said it yourself in an earlier post: you have low self-esteem. This is what the whole problem boils down to; everything else is just a side issue. The low self-esteem is what you need to deal with first. I knew someone once who felt the same way as you, and admittedly had a low self-esteem. She hated how she looked, and also detested being photographed or videotaped. But then once when looking at family photos (none of which included her) she realized that it was as if she wasn't even part of the family and life was simply passing her by. She didn't just "get over it", but after counselling and improving her self esteem, she was able to learn to love herself. I don’t know if this is exactly how you feel, but I do think counselling would be a good idea, especially since you say you are depressed as well. Having such a low self-esteem that you can’t stand being videotaped because you might have to see it someday is not right. Link to post Share on other sites
novascade Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 hey work with what i said build up your esteem don't drag yourself down this is life we go through this junk i right i now fear nothing but God you get sick of put yourself down worrying about what people think 'what goes wrong, we go through life thinking everything is perfect but reality, hit its just a struggle to live so do what you got to and remember at the end its either heaven or hell Link to post Share on other sites
ArdeaCandidissima Posted October 25, 2003 Share Posted October 25, 2003 I expressly did not arrange for videos at my wedding, since I wanted to live the event and not film it. Unbeknownst to me, a close friend was videoing it as an unannounced favor for me. I watched it once for about 60 seconds, and threw the video in the trash. It was cringe-making to see all the raw emotion on my face. If anyone out there actually watches these things for pleasure, I'll be amazed. Your wife-to-be really should be working with you on this, especially if it is your sole wedding request. I don't agree that her desire for this memento should outweight your discomfort. I strongly believe that the desire not to be filmed trumps the desire to create a video any day. It's a matter of personal comfort. You'll have memories and still photos, right? How can she possibly respond when you let her know it is this important to you? Have you considered single topic counseling? How does she usually respond when a compromise is called for? This might be the "wedding crazies", or it might be someone who can't give and take. If the worst happens, I wouldn't be childish, but I would discreetly avoid the photographer as much as possible. Best wishes for avoiding the video. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted October 25, 2003 Share Posted October 25, 2003 worried_guy: this seems to me a clear case of the girl who values the details of the wedding more than those of the groom. would you *insist* on videotaping one meaningful night of very intense sex just because you imbued it with over-inflated symbolic value? cameras are intrusive; if you don't want them, and being private is part of who you are; and you have a right to that feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts