Failed LDR, resurrected 17 years later, but now we're both married! Are there others?

[SYD&LV1992]

Sydney Australia, late Spring 1992 when we first encountered each other. I had come from two previous relationships, a broken man...learning the hard way...not to give your heart, mind, body and soul to someone who doesn't want it. As deflated as I was from my experience with love so far...i still remained optimistic!

 

It was a Sunday evening after church when I met her....a brief introduction through a cousin, INSTANT chemistry and attraction and so began the story of MAC (I'm using acronyms just in case our significant others stumble across this forum!) We were on the phone to each other that very night...and we were together again 2 days later! And it was on this second encounter that I asked her to be my girl and if I could be her man...despite the fact that we would only have less than two weeks together, as she was leaving for the USA. Those two weeks would prove to be the fastest two weeks of my entire existence! Believe me when I say...I didn't want to get too involved...i didn't want to fall in love too deep if she wasn't going to stay! But it so turns out that my intentions would prove to be countered by something SO SPECIAL that still to this day AMAZES me...and makes me smile. I couldn't help but fall HARD for this girl! How could you not fall in love with someone who was already CLEARLY in love with you?! Upon her departure I would commit to wait for her...4 years seemed achievable...I'd never had a LDR before and I believed we could make it work! However as fate would have it....it was only 22 months later where all would fall apart and I would be left feeling like a fool! With all hope lost! Any chances for a reunion seemed near impossible....it would take me 4 years later after the break-up that I eventually moved on and met my wife of 10 years today!

 

OMG! WTF! NO WAY! These were the first three things that crossed my mind when I realized that the girl of my dreams, who I'd committed to wait for all those years ago...was now back in my life...17 years later!?!?! Why was this happening? I wanted to comprehend but didn't care if I didn't! In this one sentence I want to bless and curse modern technology at the same time. Why? Because it was through a social networking site that we would find our pasts align themselves again and we would reconnect. Much of the initial correspondence was purely opportunities to catch up...I would go on to tell her that I was married now with children and she too was committed in marriage with a child...but it has now been over 3 months since we found each other again (online) and we have practically been corresponding via email and telephone almost every day...sometimes more then 2 times a day....secretly behind our partners back....openly professing emotions and feelings that should have died 17 years ago! Instead we've realised that such feelings had never left either of us...but simply laid dormant! With these feelings re-ignited and burning strong as if we were back in 1992(possibly even stronger!)....we both know and accept that there is nothing we can do to rekindle a relationship, a life together as it should have been intended....now that we are very very much involved with others!? All I know is that now that i have her back in my life I never want to lose her ever, ever again! And I believe she feels the same! The problem is I still want to hold her...kiss her....just one more time! I still want to experience her in an intimate way.....but know I shouldn't....know I can't...coz we are meant to be with others!

 

So I am curious to know....are there any others out there who might be in a similar situation....where old flames have returned and past feelings resurface!?! We are both just wondering if we are the only two of our kind...?

 

Why is it that you always want....what you can't have?

[Lucky_One]

You might get more responses if you post this under The OW/OM since this is an affair.

[Phateless]

Your first love never truly ends, since it's part of what makes you who you are. If you love your wife, you can't let this go further.

[SYD&LV1992]

If I may highlight that we both very intelligent individuals....and understand COMPLETELY the consequences and how negatively our families and relationships with our significant others will be impacted if we were to ever entertain the idea and concept of getting back together again after soooo many years! Therefore we understand and appreciate the feelings may very well still be there....but we will NEVER break up 2 happy homes and traumatize the lives of so many others....just to pursue our own feelings...we understand how selfish such an act would ultimately be!

We keep things on the down low from our partners simply to avoid reasons for concern or insecurity...because the reality is...there is nothing here that is threatening our relationships we already have!

 

So everyone that wants to read and contribute a comment to this thread...we both appreciate you all mean well and that you have a good grasp of what the fundamental principals are regarding what we should and shouldn't do! And as already communicated we do too! We simply are seeking to ascertain if there are possibly others out there....like us....that have managed to reconnect with a long lost LDR...understood the dangers of cultivating anything further and are just happy now to simply maintain a friendship moving forward! Please come forward and share your experiences....we want to know if there are more of us out there!?!?

[Lucky_One]

"but we will NEVER break up 2 happy homes and traumatize the lives of so many others....just to pursue our own feelings...we understand how selfish such an act would ultimately be!

We keep things on the down low from our partners simply to avoid reasons for concern or insecurity...because the reality is...there is nothing here that is threatening our relationships we already have!"

 

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt....

[thegoodlife]

Since you are both so intelligent I'm assuming you both know this is an emotional affair, which is just as bad as a physical one. The fact that you are keeping this from your partners proves even more so that there is something to hide and that this is most certainly a threat to your marriage. If there really was no threat, then there would be no reason not to tell your wife that you are in contact with this woman again. But you are saying things to each other that you KNOW would devastate your wife and hurt your marriage if she were to find out.

 

You are tearing apart your marriage in an indirect way. Just because you're not up and leaving your wife and she's not outright leaving her husband does not mean the outcome in the end is still the same. One day the sh*t is gonna hit the fan and everything will come out. If you truly love and care for your wife and kids then you need to stop what you are doing with this other woman. It's just trouble.

[Phateless]

If I may highlight that we both very intelligent individuals....and understand COMPLETELY the consequences and how negatively our families and relationships with our significant others will be impacted if we were to ever entertain the idea and concept of getting back together again after soooo many years! Therefore we understand and appreciate the feelings may very well still be there....but we will NEVER break up 2 happy homes and traumatize the lives of so many others....just to pursue our own feelings...we understand how selfish such an act would ultimately be!

We keep things on the down low from our partners simply to avoid reasons for concern or insecurity...because the reality is...there is nothing here that is threatening our relationships we already have!

 

So everyone that wants to read and contribute a comment to this thread...we both appreciate you all mean well and that you have a good grasp of what the fundamental principals are regarding what we should and shouldn't do! And as already communicated we do too! We simply are seeking to ascertain if there are possibly others out there....like us....that have managed to reconnect with a long lost LDR...understood the dangers of cultivating anything further and are just happy now to simply maintain a friendship moving forward! Please come forward and share your experiences....we want to know if there are more of us out there!?!?

 

I respect how thoroughly you've thought this through, and I can tell that you are posting more to vent than for advice. I wish you all the best of luck, I think most of us would behave similarly given the same set of circumstances.

 

Personally, I am keeping an eye on this thread. What are you going to do?

 

I think your best bet is just to discuss this openly with your old flame and arrive at an agreement as to how to proceed. If you don't talk about it, the chemistry might overwhelm you both when you meet up and that can't end well for either of you.

 

I wish you the best of luck. This situation breaks my heart.

 

edit - my ex recently asked me to hang out after not talking for almost a year and i told her outright that I don't want to freak out my GF, so I can't. I've also had another friend and I discuss the fact that we can't hang out very much if either one of us is taken, because the temptation to hook up gets too strong.

 

Sometimes you just have to talk about it so you can both manage the friendship without causing trouble for each other or yourselves.

[I'm Joe]

In school I met the first girl I ever loved. My mom took us kids and moved 1000 miles away from that town. that was also 17 years ago. I found her again recently through facebook. She has 3 Children.....Few things in my life have hurt me more than to see a picture of her with her family.

 

My best advise, Keep the past in the past. Stop contacting her, if you are not gonna be together then your only exacerbating your feelings which will make it more difficult to avoid a full blown affair.

[SYD&LV1992]

Um.....did i mention that she's still in the US and I'm also still here where she left me in Sydney Australia?!? Hence why nothing is going to happen guys!

 

If I may say that Phateless you might be onto something there when you say "...I can tell that you are posting more to vent than for advice" What am I going to do you ask? What every sensible human being would do....just deal with these past feelings and get on with it!

 

This x girlfriend and I have both agreed that there is nothing wrong with simply maintaining a friendship, moving forward because we still both care about each other in the that way. And regarding those ever concerning past feelings that could "potentially" one day burn out of control...well what can i say...it makes it easier to deal with when there is still such a physical distance in between us...but we both also appreciate that so long as the focus is a friendship and nothing more...these past almost immature feelings should and will mature and change...like anything....with time!

[Lucky_One]

It would be one thing if you were simply maintaining a friendship, but you are not.

 

Tell your spouse about your old "friend". Tell your spouse that those long dormant feelings have flamed back into life and that you should be in a lifetime relationship wtih her, but bc of your marriage and her marriage, you are unable to. Tell your wife that you want to be intimate with this "friend". Tell your wife that you openly profess yoru love and passion for your "friend" behind her back.

 

And then come back here and talk about your friendship.

 

You have NO idea what friendship really is. A friend is someone you are proud to show to the entire world. A friend is someone that you and your spouse exchange Christmas cards with. A friend is someone that calls on a Sunday afternoon and you take the call in front of your family.

 

What you have is an internet love affair. It won't be long before you go down that road of phone and cyber-sex (if you haven't already). When one of you stays awake far after you should be in bed bc the other person will have privacy and free time to chat with you online. And then you will get to the point that you would rather have illicit and thrilling secret mutual masturbation rather than make love with your wife. And then you will convince your wife to take a trip of a lifetime to Las Vegas (or wherever your internet lover is) and arrange for her to have a day at a spa.....

[KikiW]

I don't want you to feel like everyone is jumping all over you guys. It DOES feel great to re-connect with someone you had a great connection with at one point. And in this world, why shouldn't two people who like each other be able to be friends? We should all be so lucky, right?

 

However, I can tell you from experience that despite you both feeling very strongly that you can maintain a friendship that will not go any further, there is a chance that this will turn into an emotional affair.

 

By that I mean that you two find that you enjoy each other's company so much that you begin to spend more than normal time online, corresponding, texting, calling, webcamming, skyping, whatever. You develop deep attachments to each other, meanwhile your "real life" is slipping.

 

If you are committed to your spouses, then I highly recommend letting each other go to live your own happy lives. However, if you both feel strongly that it is unfair to do so, then you need to face the fact that you are not as happy as you claim to be with your spouses.

 

I speak from experience with this. Please trust what I am saying.

[Phateless]

Lucky One and Kiki both make strong and valid points. SYD, this thing could very easily take on a life of it's own. I think it's time to level with yourself and make a decision on how you WANT this to play out, suspending all feelings of guilt and judgment temporarily, just long enough for you to gain a little clarity on what your hidden desires are.

 

Once you are to that point where you can see things exactly as they are without criticizing yourself for it, then you can make an executive decision on an Action Plan.

 

Capice?

[Island Girl]

You seem to be dead set on the fact that just because you are in separate countries that nothing will happen.

 

But it already has.

 

As others have pointed out, would you open up you e-mail or chat logs and allow your wife to read all that you have written?

Because if you are just friends - and that is all it is ever going to be - then there should be no fear of doing so.

 

But I know already you can't. Because you have exchanged words that would upset your spouses. You are in action hurting them and your relationship - just by the correspondence.

 

And the fact that you are unwilling to stop says enough about how far along this affair has gone already.

 

It is indeed an affair. Although not physical- it is an emotional affair. Often these are more devastating than the physical affairs. Peruse the OW/OM forum and you will find enough there for you to see where you are and where you are headed.

 

You are getting honest answers to your post. It doesn't sound like you like the responses.

 

Perhaps you reached out looking for support of your actions.

Not many people here support actions that hurt your marriage or other innocent people.

[Magpies]

In the span of 2-weeks, a magical memory ... anyone can appear perfect compared to someone you have to wake-up to every single day of your life. In those 2-weeks and now all the candid conversations in secrecy, it reinforces someone or something to escape to. But what happens after? What happens when you continue this? What will happen when you allow it build so much that curiosity consumes you both? Take the same imaginary image of you 17 years ago and all the fantasies you have now and complete them with the morning after ... your wife knowing, your child knowing, her husband, children, family, friends involved in it all.

 

Will it be worth it? Are you willing to risk what you have for a chance to relive a memory you barely started 17 years ago? Is this really the meaning of love? Do you really know this person? Are you willing to risk it all to know her more?

 

I'm not telling you what is right from wrong. No one can answer these but you. All I'm saying is it's hard to tell what's fact from fiction when you're all swept up like you are - but what you are doing now is being untrue, most women will say that an emotional affair is worst than a one-night stand. Think hard before you decide if you want to pursue this - both of you need to do it -- there is way too many lives that will be touched by your decisions, many people hurt, and only you in the end will have to live with your decisions.

 

Good luck to you.

[Phateless]

Fact from fiction... I think that's a really important point.

[RainyNight]

Take a break . Get away from BOTH of them for a while . You will know then for sure who you want to keep .

The painful truth about life is that we can not have EVERYTHING , we just have to surrender and let somethings go.

And it's just human nature to crave the impossible regardless how worthless it is .

Dont ruin the old picture of your old love by turning it into an illegal ugly dirty suspecious relationship.

It's either you discuss the issue with your wife and try to solve this , or you just leave your old love wishing her happiness with her family .

[bravesgirl]

All I can say is that you have to follow your heart. If this is something that is going to continually hurt you, you have to end it now!! It may eventually cause resentment to your wife and family. You also have to ask, was it love or lust? and only you two would know. You seem like great people caught in a bad emotional situation. I agree with the person that said friends are people who you do not hide from your family and friends. Its deception even if you aren't doing anything physical and that is much worse than physical! I would be crushed if my significant other was in love with someone else, it takes away from the relationship because you can't give yourself fully! I am empathetic to your situation and I wish you all the luck in the world!