I'm still in love with my ex from 17 years ago...we're both married now, ?

March 15, 2009

Sydney Australia, late Spring 1992 when we first encountered each other. I had come from two previous relationships, a broken man...learning the hard way...not to give your heart, mind, body and soul to someone who doesn't want it. As deflated as I was from my experience with love so far...i still remained optimistic!

It was a Sunday evening after church when I met her....a brief introduction through a cousin, INSTANT chemistry and attraction and so began the story of MAC (I'm using acronyms just in case our significant others stumble across this forum!) We were on the phone to each other that very night...and we were together again 2 days later! And it was on this second encounter that I asked her to be my girl and if I could be her man...despite the fact that we would only have less than two weeks together, as she was leaving for the USA. Those two weeks would prove to be the fastest two weeks of my entire existence! Believe me when I say...I didn't want to get too involved...i didn't want to fall in love too deep if she wasn't going to stay! But it so turns out that my intentions would prove to be countered by something SO SPECIAL that still to this day AMAZES me...and makes me smile. I couldn't help but fall HARD for this girl! How could you not fall in love with someone who was already CLEARLY in love with you?! Upon her departure I would commit to wait for her...4 years seemed achievable...I'd never had a LDR before and I believed we could make it work! However as fate would have it....it was only 22 months later where all would fall apart and I would be left feeling like a fool! With all hope lost! Any chances for a reunion seemed near impossible....it would take me 4 years later after the break-up that I eventually moved on and met my wife of 10 years today!

OMG! WTF! NO WAY! These were the first three things that crossed my mind when I realized that the girl of my dreams, who I'd committed to wait for all those years ago...was now back in my life...17 years later!?!?! Why was this happening? I wanted to comprehend but didn't care if I didn't! In this one sentence I want to bless and curse modern technology at the same time. Why? Because it was through a social networking site that we would find our pasts align themselves again and we would reconnect. Much of the initial correspondence was purely opportunities to catch up...I would go on to tell her that I was married now with children and she too was committed in marriage with a child...but it has now been over 3 months since we found each other again (online) and we have practically been corresponding via email and telephone almost every day...sometimes more then 2 times a day....secretly behind our partners back....openly professing emotions and feelings that should have died 17 years ago! Instead we've realised that such feelings had never left either of us...but simply laid dormant! With these feelings re-ignited and burning strong as if we were back in 1992(possibly even stronger!)....we both know and accept that there is nothing we can do to rekindle a relationship, a life together as it should have been intended....now that we are very very much involved with others!? All I know is that now that i have her back in my life I never want to lose her ever, ever again! And I believe she feels the same! The problem is I still want to hold her...kiss her....just one more time! I still want to experience her in an intimate way.....but know I shouldn't....know I can't...coz we are meant to be with others!

So I am curious to know....are there any others out there who might be in a similar situation....where old flames have returned and past feelings resurface!?! We are both just wondering if we are the only two of our kind...?

Why is it that you always want....what you can't have?

March 15, 2009

sounds like you are over romanticising the past that was a long time ago and if you met her again things would not nevessaily be the same. You should tell your wife you have encountered her again and quit all the phone calls and contact and focus it in the real people in your life not some fantasy.

March 15, 2009

openly professing emotions and feelings that should have died 17 years ago

You went looking and now your life is in such a mess! The reason why those feelings are here now is because you both opened pandora's box.

My suggestion is, come clean with your spouse, allow her to decide if she wants to stay married to someone who wants a past flame. You're cheating on her now and that's cruel/selfish of you. YOu're betraying your whole family unit by sneaking around, trying to recapture something from your past.

You went looking for it, it didn't find you. Own it, admit to it and either let go of this OW from your past or divorce your wife. To stay and cheat is only going to mess up your lives and hurt innocent people (your wife, her husband and ALL the kids.).

March 15, 2009

I think it is a very common scenario, this old flame thing. You get married, life gets routine, your partner familiar and not as exciting, and folks start romaticizing the past. It's dumb, but common. You are not unique, nor is what has happened unique.

SO , what happened 22 months into the LDR? Did you guys meet other people? If that is what happened, maybe you should realize the initial bond was not all that strong, or you really did not know each otherall that well.

Just seems foolish to throw away your marriage and family chasing this. These relationships that start out dishonestly seldom work out. And, you hurt others, a lot.

March 16, 2009

_____

If I may highlight that we both very intelligent individuals....and understand COMPLETELY the consequences and how negatively our families and relationships with our significant others will be impacted if we were to ever entertain the idea and concept of getting back together again after soooo many years! Therefore we understand and appreciate the feelings may very well still be there....but we will NEVER break up 2 happy homes and traumatize the lives of so many others....just to pursue our own feelings...we understand how selfish such an act would ultimately be!

We keep things on the down low from our partners simply to avoid reasons for concern or insecurity...because the reality is...there is nothing here that is threatening our relationships we already have!

So everyone that wants to read and contribute a comment to this thread...we both appreciate you all mean well and that you have a good grasp of what the fundamental principals are regarding what we should and shouldn't do! And as already communicated we do too! We simply are seeking to ascertain if there are possibly others out there....like us....that have managed to reconnect with a long lost LDR...understood the dangers of cultivating anything further and are just happy now to simply maintain a friendship moving forward! Please come forward and share your experiences....we want to know if there are more of us out there!?!?

March 16, 2009

There are many many posters on here who have reconnected with old loves in just the Way that you have. If you take the time to read some of the threads here under infidelity - you will find their stories.

Almost all of them include having lost touch with someone, then going on with their lives and marrying someone else etc. Whats really so amazing, is that almost each and every one of them have one thing in common.

They refind and reconnect with their true love at just the point in their marriages that things have settled down, or gotten routine, or boring . Seems this point happens anywhere from 7-15 years. Always after children for women and when mid life crisis starts for men.

In fact, most of the infidelity stories are the same. In the "re-connected with true love on face book" catagory - you simply knew the person before...in other cases it is a friend from work, etc.

Your story is unique in one way though..your sense of romance and adventure is nearly equal to your sense of entitlement. Thats refreshing, at least to read.

March 16, 2009

_____

If I may highlight that we both very intelligent individuals....

Could have fooled me.

March 16, 2009

You two aren't keeping anything on the down low, you are lying. To dress up what you are doing with some slang term, doesn't change the fact that the two of you are lying and cheating two innocent people out of faithful spouses. That is wrong, whether you are having a PA or not, you are still screwing your spouses over.

Happy marriages my eye. It's only happy because 2 people don't have all the facts and 2 people are eating cakes.

March 16, 2009

So I am curious to know....are there any others out there who might be in a similar situation....where old flames have returned and past feelings resurface!?! We are both just wondering if we are the only two of our kind...?

No. This happens to many...they meet an old flame and begin an A. Typically doesn't end well.

Why is it that you always want....what you can't have?

Well that's YOUR choice. If you want it bad enough, file for D and go get what you want. Its not that you can't have it...you just aren't willing to pay the price to get it.

And OP...you should REALLY read your thread before hitting the submit button...

March 16, 2009

How about just keep one thread going?

Having an identical thread with the same c/p response on LDR is irritating. I am not even going to touch the use of exclamation points.

March 16, 2009

Why the secrecy if it is merely friendship? I would not object to my spouse having friends. This friendship allegation is BS.

March 16, 2009

syd,

My husband left me about three years ago for an old "friend" from years back who he had briefly dated before we met. We had been friends with her and her husband, and attended each others weddings but had fallen out of touch for years.

When she reconnected, she had ended her own marriage (to a nice guy) to take up with a jerk who dumped her 6 months later. Then finding herself alone, decided to call us up to reconnect and ended up inviting my husband to a reunion where supposedly all of their old friends would be at. I let him go because I trusted him, but boy was I stupid. When he returned from that trip my marriage was over, although it took about a year of hell before he finally moved out.

Anyway, I survived the train wreck but not without major pain and suffering. Our child is having more problems in school than he might have and we are financially in the hole (we had been good savers up to that point). We will not be getting back together, but I'm not sure my ex is as happy as he predicted he would be. They still don't live together as she has not been able to find a job around here and I've heard they don't always get along and that she is something of a drama queen (which I am not).

We had been together for 20 years and had some predictable issues, but I still can't see how his leaving for his current situation would have been preferable to us trying to work it out in therapy. We had had many years of happiness and many mutual interests, not to mention a child.

I doubt he would admit this, but I bet deep down he does regret his actions.

Anyway, I have two suggestions for the OP -

1) stop communicating with your old friend as it IS interfering with your marriage and will only make things worse and is unfair to your family, and 2) tell your wife about what's going on and go to couples counseling PRONTO and try like heck to reconnect with her.

It's sad that things did not work out with your old love, and I'm sure it is very exciting because the new is always more exciting than the old (although in this case the new is the old) but what you have with your present family is a lot more real than any fantasy you have with your old girlfriend--it's not like you were even with her for a long haul--you never got out of the "honeymoon" phase which is part of the problem.

March 16, 2009

but we will NEVER break up 2 happy homes and traumatize the lives of so many others....just to pursue our own feelings...we understand how selfish such an act would ultimately be!

THEN WHY HAVE AN AFFAIR? What is the point of doing what you're doing now? Other than to be selfish and have a secret relationship behind your spouses backs? Honestly, wouldn't it be more HONEST and real if the two of you professed your love to one another out in the open and divorced your spouses so THEY can go on to find love with someone else? Why is it okay to have an affair, have your cake(s) and eat it too?

We keep things on the down low from our partners simply to avoid reasons for concern or insecurity...because the reality is...there is nothing here that is threatening our relationships we already have!

So basically, neither of you are really planning on leaving your spouses, but both are OK cheating on them..Living a lie, living a double life.

How would you feel if your wife did this to you? Wake up man, stop being selfish and either end your affair completely or divorce your wife. You can't have it both ways! Atleast not for long...Trust me, sooner or later they WILL (they as in your wife, her husband) realize something isn't "right" and they'll do some snooping..

March 17, 2009

So I am curious to know....are there any others out there who might be in a similar situation....where old flames have returned and past feelings resurface!?! We are both just wondering if we are the only two of our kind...?

Why is it that you always want....what you can't have?

Deception is not ok. You are so caught up with each other and your 'love' for one another, that you don't see what is truly going on here -- you are acting in a deceptive manner towards your spouses.

Of course there are others like you!!!! Tons and tons, and they all go on to have an affair, so you are posting here a little early... welcome to the future hell you are busy creating now.

You cannot see it, because you are both selfish pricks right now, just involved in your being in love/ infatuation with each other. But you are both plotting and planning according to the same ole plan -- you are making excuses for your future affair, by declaring 'how special' you both are, and how 'it was meant to be' and oh yeah -- You deserve it, since you waited 22 mths, and a whole lifetime since, just to fu#k her again! So -- you are going to skulk around and eventually do the deed anyway, leaving a wake of devastation.

Grow up, ok? You are the heads of Families, with others besides your erotic games... You both previously made choices and decisions, and you cannot have it both ways -- your marriages AND a 'friendship' with each other! Don't con yourselves... because that is where you are headed -- straight into an A.

Get out now. Agree not to see each other, or know that you are willingly plotting the most terrible pain in your spouses' hearts. And they don't deserve that.

If you are not willing to get out now, and go no contact, then tell your spouses what is going on, since this affects THEIR LIVES too!!!! They have a right to know.

March 17, 2009

Nostalgia is as prevalant in romantic stories as anywhere else. You had deep feelings for this woman, and the operative word is "Had". You don't know that anything would be as good as you remember and so your memories are clouding your thinking, right now. Many of us would like to "turn back the clock", to a happier (supposedly) time and place, but you are not the same person and neither is she. You should have one last good talk and say goodbye. It will be a fond memory, nothing more.

March 17, 2009

Um.....did i mention that she's still in the US and I'm also still here where she left me in Sydney Australia?!? Hence why nothing is going to happen guys!

If I may say that Phateless you might be onto something there when you say "...I can tell that you are posting more to vent than for advice" What am I going to do you ask? What every sensible human being would do....just deal with these past feelings and get on with it!

This x girlfriend and I have both agreed that there is nothing wrong with simply maintaining a friendship, moving forward because we still both care about each other in the that way. And regarding those ever concerning past feelings that could "potentially" one day burn out of control...well what can i say...it makes it easier to deal with when there is still such a physical distance in between us...but we both also appreciate that so long as the focus is a friendship and nothing more...these past almost immature feelings should and will mature and change...like anything....with time!

March 17, 2009

I think your are kidding yourself if you think this is not a threat to your marriage. How often do you have contact with each other? Ideally it should be no more than a few times a year, if that.

I got back in touch with an old love from the 1980's and we are now friends again. He's married with kids and lives in a different country. He's visited a few time, related to business, and we went out to eat and did a few things in the city.

But that's the end of it and there was no intimacy or deep discussion of what happened between us long ago. We have just let the past go and find that we still have common interests and enjoy each others company and talk about mutual friends. Were we both available and living closer it might be a different story, but maybe not.

During the year we exchange about two short emails to catch up. This is what a normal reconnection should look like. What you are describing between yourself and your new found old love sounds major league intense and not normal and likely to cause heartache. It sounds like it is transgressing normal boundaries. Have you told your wife about this? If so, what does she think? If not, why not? Would you let your wife see what you have written to this woman?

March 17, 2009

You can't have mature feelings if you aren't mature. If all you two want is a friendship, then tell your spouses. You make the assumption that everyone on here is mentally challenged. No one who is only maintaining a friendship with someone of the opposite sex is going to lie to their spouses about it or hide the friendship. You and your friend are in a full blown EA and as far as being in different countries, there are planes, boats, hell even hang gliders. Cheaters will do whatever it takes to be with the the affair partner. When your groin gets the better of the 2 of you, you will be together physically.

Keep telling yourself the lies, eventually you will really believe them. That's why you are here, trying to build it up in your mind. Make it more plausible. See if someone will say, "hey, I am there, I get it." Then you can go I was right, this is right, what harm is going to cause?

March 17, 2009

I would say that you THINK the two of you can 'just have a friendship' but unfortunately, you cannot, since you both went over the line of friendship by declaring how you still feel about each other.

That declaration of longing, loving, and never forgetting is not friendship. It is the stuff of Affairs, and I don't care if you say you live on the other side of the world, since an Emotional Affair is STILL an affair!!!!

All that effort, thinking, longing, imagining, and TIME you will be investing in your so-called "friendship" will be stealing directly from your wife. From your marriage. You will not be able to see it at first, since you will be so focused on the thing that you want so badly -- your fantasy perfect woman, the so-called "soulmate".

Your marriage deserves to have you fully invested in it -- 100%

But you are making plans to give a lot of your emotional energy, your time, and yes -- your love -- to Someone Else.

Why?

March 17, 2009

If it is on the up and up, why not invite your wife to participate in the correspondnence? If you feel uncomfortable with your wife seeing what you are doing, that should tell you this is not right.

March 17, 2009

This x girlfriend and I have both agreed that there is nothing wrong with simply maintaining a friendship, moving forward because we still both care about each other in the that way.

Yet you say you're STILL inlove with your ex. It's impossible now to have a platonic and honest friendship. I bet you are hiding the friendship from your wife..?? If so, why? If it's an innocent friendship, then it shouldn't be a big deal for your wife to know, let alone be able to read ANY emails between you and the ex..But, my guess is, since you and the ex have reconnected, atleast now emotionally, this WILL turn into an emotional affair online. Maybe afew phone calls too..Doesn't matter that this is long distance - I bet if you two lived in the same City, it would turn into a fullblown affair.

END this and focus on your wife. Stop reliving feelings from the past. You said vows, so live up to them! You made a choice to be with ONE woman - Your wife.

Something to think about, how would YOU feel if your wife was doing what you're doing? She was secretly emailing a past flame, admitting feelings of love and having an emotional affair with him?

March 17, 2009

I have a suggestion then...

If you want to maintain a friendship with this woman, and still safeguard and protect your marriage...there MAY be a way.

Copy your wife on EVERY SINGLE CORRESPONDENCE WITH THE FRIEND.

And it has to happen in both directions...your friend would need to copy your wife on every single email as well. Additionally, any phone conversations, or contact OUTSIDE of email needs to include your wife as well.

Given what you've described of your feelings for this other woman...this would be the only POSSIBLE way that this would work out.

Now...I fully expect you to come back with every reason in the book why you can't/won't/shouldn't include your wife in this relationship...but I challenge you to show me another way to protect her in all of this.

March 17, 2009

Guys, really...you might as well stop even posting now. He has posted the exact same thing on the LDR forum, which says to me he's not reading responses at all. Go to the LDR forum, and read his reponses. Exact same ones. Just copied and pasted. Half the time the answers don't even match up to anything anyone has said.

March 17, 2009

If I may say that Phateless you might be onto something there when you say "...I can tell that you are posting more to vent than for advice" What am I going to do you ask? What every sensible human being would do....just deal with these past feelings and get on with it!

Phateless hasn't even posted in THIS particular thread.

April 6, 2009

"True love never dies and it can be repeated 300 times". However, you are both married and you both should take long hard look at yourselves before deciding what to do. I am in similar situation, but divorced (couldnt love any other man like my first love) but I would never accept to the status of OW while he is still married. That contadicts the notion of true love. If you two are good people even an affair wont make you happy knowing that you are lying to your spousses. You both need to come clean or forget about it.

Peace

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I'm still in love with my ex from 17 years ago...we're both married now, ?

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