Question for those that have had successful MC??

[travelgirl]

My husband and I have been in marriage counseling since mid November. We started once weekly and have done very well. Our communication is better then it was when we were first married. At the end of Feb, we asked our MC if we could go every other week and he agreed that was a good move. Even after 2 weeks of no MC, we both were on our way there wondering what we were going to talk about, joking that we need to think of something. We had an easy going session and at the end, our MC said we should consider going monthly because we are doing very well. One, I was surprised he said this (I would think they would WANT money) but two, we only went bi-weekly once and he already thinks we are ready for monthly.

 

A part of me is glad because although it was much needed in the beginning, I feel like we are on the same page, communicating well and moving forward together. But another part of me is worried that maybe we are moving away from MC quicker then we should. He did tell us to call anytime either of us think an additional session is needed but I was just curious how others starting cutting back from their MC and if it went smoothly.

 

Oh and just an FYI because I know someone will ask, my H had an EA with a single younger co-worker who looked up to him and gave him lots of attention. She is no longer working there. Everything has been out in the open since October and he has been completely transparent and remorseful in and out of MC. I have all access to work, cell and email accounts but barely check them anymore. My mom passed last March and I had 2 miscarriages within the same year and went into a massive depression and cut my husband out of my life emotionally. I am not in anyway condoning what he did but since going to MC, I am much more aware of how we both checked out of the marriage and how much I hurt him as well. It was such a horrible time in our lives but in the end, we both still loved each other and decided our marriage was worth fighting over. I have no regrets and the fight has made our marriage stronger and more loving then it has ever been. This forum has helped me tremendously as well.

 

Thanks in advance.

[taylor]

My husband and I have been in counseling for 11.5 months. We started out with weekly sessions, then twice a month. Now MC is down to once a month although I continue IC twice a month.

 

I think it's a counselor's goal to move the couple to independent problem solving once he/she feels the couple is capable of doing this. Kind of like the crisis stage is over and now the MC can let go of the couple's hand a bit to see how they handle the issues on their own. It's kind of like a test at first to see if you can function effectively as a couple without as much assistance from the MC.

 

I think MC's also want to "wean" couples who are progressing nicely...so apparently that's good news for you and your marriage.

 

And I think MC's also have to be wary of couples becoming too dependent on them..as the goal is to move the couple toward independence.

 

So, it sounds like you are making some real progress in marital recovery. Good for you, travelgirl.

 

I think your MC is wise, too, for giving you that "safety net" for additional appointments if you need them. Your MC doesn't want you to feel like he/she has abandoned you. And your MC is aware that with marital recovery come set backs...it's two steps forward and one step back.

 

But again, in your case, your MC must see you and your husband moving forward moreso that moving backwards.

 

Happy to hear the good news.

[Owl]

My situation is similar.

 

My wife had an online EA, nearly ended the marriage so that she could be with this guy.

 

We started MC immediately after she ended up not flying away to live with him...but before she truly made her choice to stay and reconcile. Our first MC was very supportive of me...made it very clear that I was doing all the right things, pushing for the right requirements, etc... But she wasn't as supportive of the wife...it created an atmosphere that prevented my wife from truly WORKING on anything.

 

The day after my wife TRULY decided to work on our marriage (about a month post d-day), I also decided to swap from going to my IC for individual counseling to marriage counseling instead...and it worked perfectly. He was able to TRULY setup an atmosphere where she didn't feel attacked, but also forced both of us to truly work on the issues.

 

We went to him for about a year...initially every week, then every two weeks. We opted to end MC with him by mutual choice. He was slightly concerned for us at the time, but was reassured by the agreemant that we had with each other that if either me OR my wife felt MC was required, we would both return without hesitation.

 

We've been out of MC now for over three years, and it's been a great recovery time for both of us.

 

I'd say that there's no requirement for how long the two of you go, as long as you both feel that you've got all the pertinent issues addressed, and the right tools to handle new issues as they arise.

 

It sounds to me like you feel good with the choice to end MC for now...so that's a good thing.

[travelgirl]

Thanks to both of you for responding. It seems like there is nothing but all negative on this forum - I almost wish there was a sub-forum to help those honestly trying to recover.

 

I talked to my husband and we are going to decrease to the monthly meetings like the MC recommended and go from there.

 

I see your point Taylor about weaning off to solve your own problems. That is where we are now so I more understand why he was thinking monthly would be fine.

 

Owl, this was our 2nd MC. The first was too generalized, didn't get down to the nitty gritty when BOTH of us wanted to. It was frustrating so we quickly found someone new and were both happy from the first meeting.

 

Thanks again!!

[2sure]

After my H's infidelity we went to MC.

Along with that we read a few books which helped me communicate my feelings about his cheating and helped him undestand what I needed.

 

We both communicate well professionally, but not having been married or even known each other that long - the MC more than anything else served as a prompt for communication. Which is great.

 

We didnt go for long - my H was willing, but not comfortable with it. When he showed me we could communicate openly between ourselves - I was happy to stop going.

[Snowflower]

Yes, I have found MC more helpful than I would have ever thought--and so does my husband. We were going every week at first but our MC thought we were doing so well that we are going every other week now. It has been 4 months since D-Day but my husband and I have made so much progress that eventually we will be able to stop altogether. Just not quite yet.

 

What has been so helpful with counseling is the outside objective opinion that we receive. And even though it seemed like psychobabble at first, the impact of our childhoods (good and bad) on our relationship.