Had Affair trying to save my Marriage

[mu1963]

I need help. I have ruined so many lives and I just want to make things right. I know I don’t deserve it but I need help trying to get my life back. I have 4 kids. I am trying to make things right especially for my youngest daughter who worships her father.

 

I had an affair. A few years back my husband lost his job and he found another but it involved travel. He was making good money but he would have to travel to the East Coast every month for almost 2 weeks. He liked the job but he hated being gone. This has caused us a lot of problems.

I started having an affair. One of my girlfriends had an affair with a guy and we were talking about it. She said the sex was incredible and we use to discuss this among many things. The guy she was having the affair with was a guy that my husband had known since they were kids. I was lonely and this same guy started coming on to me. I liked the attention and before I knew it we started the affair.

 

My husband called me from work one day and told me he was thinking of quitting. I got scared because I was not working and we would not have had any income. He became angry with me and said it seemed strange that I would not want him around. (He told me later this conversation was the beginning of the end of our marriage.) He did not quit and of course I was still having an affair.

 

Well my husband is into technology so he started watching my email and he taped my phone calls. After he found out about the affair he got video proof in our bedroom of the affair with the other man. He eventually confronted me and I lied about it. I denied everything and told him he was crazy because I did not want to lose him. He showed me the proof and I got angry with him.

 

There are 2 issues that make my husband not want to stay married to me and one of them I have no way to overcome without help. My husband said he was upset for not being able to quit his job while I was having an affair. He hates the fact I used him. I did not want him to quit because we would have no money coming in but he thinks it is because it kept him away while the affair was going on.

 

The second reason is far more complex and I have no answers. My husband has known the other man for years and did not like him at all. My husband also had video of sex with me and the other man. This has been very hard for him to overcome. It is also compounded by the fact that to put it very delicately that the other man is very well endowed. My husband knows this and he saw us having sex on the video he recorded.

He will not touch me anymore. He says that he saw how much I enjoyed it with the other man and he said he cannot compete with him. I tried to explain to him that sex with him (my husband) was every bit as fulfilling as it was with the other man but he does not buy it. He says it is not worth being married to me because I will not be happy with our sex life even though I would pick my husband over the other man in a heart beat.

 

I can’t convince him that the size difference does not matter to me. He does not believe me and why should he as I have lied so much. But my sex life with my husband was every bit as good as with the other man. Can anyone help me at all with this problem. Our youngest is a girl and she really loves her daddy and she hates me right now. All of the kids are very mad at me and I am trying to make things right with everyone.

 

The bottom line is I love my husband and want him back. Can anyone give me any ideas on how to help convince him that our sex life can be a fantastic one again. This seems to be his biggest problem right now. I know he should leave me but I am so sorry for what I have done. Any help would be appreciated.

[LakesideDream]

Mu1963, You should re-read your post. You say there are two reasons your husband doesen't want to be married to you then go on to list six.

 

Are there children involved? What ages? I have lived through something simular with a cheating wife. I may have a few insights. The kids thing matters though.

[65tr6]

Well my husband is into technology so he started watching my email and he taped my phone calls. After he found out about the affair he got video proof in our bedroom of the affair with the other man. He eventually confronted me and I lied about it. .

 

lol. Sorry. I thought this is funny. Now you know why some husbands go to the lengths of video taping in case their WWs lie about the A. I cant believe it. You lied even after your husband confronted you. UNTIL ofcourse he produced the hard evidence.

 

This is stunning.

 

The bottom line is I love my husband and want him back. .

 

Really and you are saying that because you got caught or you need your husband's income ?

 

I dont understand you OP. You are like many others. Love your husband and yet screw around. Can you please EXPLAIN how that works ? For pete's sake, you have little kids.

 

Alright. I am going to stop beating up on you.

 

You obviously dont know what your husband wants...he is stunned, shocked, devastated. Probably feels like crying his heart out when he looks at his little kids. The problem is deeper than just sex. You want to work on your marraige...whatever it takes, right ?

 

Then do the right thing. For starters

 

1. Stop the affair right now ! (if you not done so already)

2. Apologize to him profusely. What you have done to hurt him, your kids

3. Be open and honest about everything your husband wants to know about the A Dont lie. Dont sugar coat it. But dont be insensitive at the same time

4. Start meeting his needs

5. Work overtime in repairing your marriage

 

There is no guarantee he wont leave you but doing those may give you a chance to save your marriage.

[pkn06002]

65tr6 thanks for keeping it positive!

 

I will add one thing.

 

Do not become a doormat that does anything and everything your BS says, just to prove you are sorry. No one respects or wants to work things out with a sheep.

 

Time is your friend use it to talk and talk and talk some more.

[LakesideDream]

Wow, I just read 65's post and re-read the original post. 4 children. Gasp. Sorry I didn't pick that up the first time around. 4 children, that makes this a very sad story indeed.

 

I am having a hard time with this post. I have re-read it three times now. Either I've missed something again, or the OP waits until the last sentence to say she is "sorry". That's a big thing I think.

 

If I have this correct your husband works his arse off to support his family, wife and 4 (!) children. This work takes him away from the home every month for an extended period, this makes him unhappy. He wants to change jobs and be home more.

 

In the meantime you enter into an affair with the BF of one of your girlfriends because the GF told you the "sex was great". You even have sex with the man in your home, on the marital bed (where were the kids?), when confronted by the evidence of your behavior you deny everything until your husband plays the video of your "big dick" boyfriend balling you on the marital bed.

 

Now you can't understand why he doesen't want to be intimate with you any more. You seem suprised that the images, both imagined and physically available on video of another man penetrating you with a penis much larger than his, watching you exclaim your extasy and sexual satisfaction with your affair partner.... have destroyed his desire for you? You must be kidding. His response seems completely normal to me.

 

If I were him I'd move you and your filthy bed out of the bedroom and put a lock on the door. I'd continue to work until my children were old enough to fend for themselves and end the marriage the first day I felt I morally could. You can't expect him to "forget" or even forgive your infidelity when all he has to do is click his mouse and watch your boyfriends "well endowed" penis penetrating you while listening to you squeel with delight all in your marital bed. I can't imagine all the counseling in the world overcomming those images.

 

I can't even fathom him having any responses that are favorable to you.

[Reggie]

I really do not think there is anything you can do to repair this. Not that it is irreparable, but it is , quite simply, entirely up to your husband as to whether he can get over this. I don't think reassuring him about his sexual abilities will work, as you've lost so much credibility. He simply will not beleive you.

Let your husband make the call on rconciliation and, whatever his choice, try to make things easier on him. If it comes to divorce, don't crush him with custody and visitation hassles, unless things get really unreasonable.

From what I have read, recovery and reconciliation, particularly involving men who have witnessed their wives having sex with another guy, is a very longshot. It's just too tough to deal with those images and the lack of trust.

[bentnotbroken]

I think you just need to leave him alone and let him find his own way. If he wants you he will tell you what it is he needs. Right now you should just leave him alone. You have hurt him enough.

[Stockalone]

I can't even fathom him having any responses that are favorable to you.

 

A very accurate summary of how her husband looks at the situation. But I am afraid you even forgot to mention something. Not that there isn't already enough, but:

 

My husband has known the other man for years and did not like him at all

 

In my experience, not liking him at all doesn't even come close to what we really feel if we actually express such a strong dislike for another man. I am sure we all know and have met that kind of man before who causes this reaction.

 

And that is how he felt before his wife had an affair with that man.

 

 

There are 2 issues that make my husband not want to stay married to me and one of them I have no way to overcome without help.

 

Unfortunately, there are a lot more than two issues here. Laskeside already gave you a summary of how this must look from your husbands POV.

 

 

The bottom line is I love my husband and want him back. Can anyone give me any ideas on how to help convince him that our sex life can be a fantastic one again. This seems to be his biggest problem right now. I know he should leave me but I am so sorry for what I have done. Any help would be appreciated.

 

The good thing is that your husband has shown tremendous restraint so far. This is so far the best possible outcome for you, given the circumstances.

 

You are still alive, you weren't divorced or thrown out of the house right away.

 

As hard as it must be for you, you will have to wait and see how your husband decides. As long as he doesn't trust you (or at least wants to try to trust you again), nothing you will say will sound sincere to him.

[reservoirdog1]

My husband has known the other man for years and did not like him at all. My husband also had video of sex with me and the other man. This has been very hard for him to overcome. It is also compounded by the fact that to put it very delicately that the other man is very well endowed. My husband knows this and he saw us having sex on the video he recorded.

Yep, these are tremendous obstacles to overcome. I'm assuming that you knew, before your affair, how your H felt about the OM. So he's dealing with multiple issues all at once: (1) you cheated, (2) from his perspective, part of the reason you didn't want him to quit his job was so that you could continue the affair while he supported you, (3) the OM was better endowed than him, (4) you cheated in your home, on your marital bed, (5) he has video of it, and (6) the OM was somebody he already disliked. Talk about piling humiliation on top of humiliation on top of humiliation. I can't blame him for feeling that there's nothing left in the marriage to save.

 

Now, having said all that, pkn06002 said something above:

Do not become a doormat that does anything and everything your BS says, just to prove you are sorry. No one respects or wants to work things out with a sheep.

 

Time is your friend use it to talk and talk and talk some more.

No, don't become his slave. Fair enough. But if you want to have any hope of fixing what you wrecked -- and there seems to be faint hope right now -- you better be willing to move HEAVEN AND EARTH to do so. And don't just do it, do it WILLINGLY. Go above and beyond the "call of duty" -- don't just be reactive. Suggest counselling. Give him free, unrestricted access to your cell phone, email, internet history, EVERYTHING. Go out of your way to prove to him that you're worthy of his trust and that you have nothing to hide. In that respet, I disagree with pkn06002 -- short of being his domestic servant, do everything he requests of you.

 

If you're not going to bend over backwards to repair this, then you may as well end it now and let the poor bastard go so he can get on with his life. Nobody wants to be with a "sheep", but far fewer people want to be with a cheating liar they can't trust. Your choice.

[seibert253]

Maybe I'm missing something here. You claim sex with your husband was great, but yet you cheated on him, in your bed mind you, the one where all this great sex was taking place?

It's one thing for a man to imagine his wife getting boinked by another man, it's another to actually see it. He's seen it, saw you enjoying it in the bed you two shared, how can he "measure up" (sorry about that one)?

To me, it speaks volumes of his love for you do to the fact you're still in the house.

I really don't know if this is repairable. For me it wouldn't. If you were my wife, you'd already be gone.

But, with that being said, if he decides to try and fix this, it's going to take a long, long, time, and lots of counseling on both parts.

Good luck to you.

[pkn06002]

 

No, don't become his slave. Fair enough. But if you want to have any hope of fixing what you wrecked -- and there seems to be faint hope right now -- you better be willing to move HEAVEN AND EARTH to do so. And don't just do it, do it WILLINGLY. Go above and beyond the "call of duty" -- don't just be reactive. Suggest counselling. Give him free, unrestricted access to your cell phone, email, internet history, EVERYTHING. Go out of your way to prove to him that you're worthy of his trust and that you have nothing to hide. In that respet, I disagree with pkn06002 -- short of being his domestic servant, do everything he requests of you.

 

If you're not going to bend over backwards to repair this, then you may as well end it now and let the poor bastard go so he can get on with his life. Nobody wants to be with a "sheep", but far fewer people want to be with a cheating liar they can't trust. Your choice.

 

Oh no you don't disagree with me, you actually stated what I wanted to say better than I did.

[imagine]

OK. If you had to hear this story from a wayward husband, what reasons would seem reasonable to you to continue marriage?

[troubadour]

Mu1963... you are a selfish, disgusting person.

 

You had an affair with a man your husband had known since his childhood... you should go on Murray Povic show with your story... it is about people like you. But I guess you don't like to hear it but it is true... you are a genuine Murray Povic show material. You can't argue with this.

 

Don't forget to thank your friend for recommending OM's services to you... after all what friends are really for. I am sure that behind your back she finds your situation quite entertaining right now. Trust me on this... she does. It is always something new to talk and laught about with her other "trash" friends. You can bet they are doing both.

 

If you have any tiny bit decency left in you... leave your husband immediately. You have nothing to offer to him or to your children. You are not a wife and you are not a mother figure. But you are not going to do it... you are too selfish for this.

[pkn06002]

OK. If you had to hear this story from a wayward husband, what reasons would seem reasonable to you to continue marriage?

 

You asking me?????

 

She talks about "love" yeah sure.

 

She wants to stay why?

 

I don't know if any man really could get past what he saw, unless they were swingers. In this case she can WANT to "fix things" all she wants but the BS has to want to also.

 

Because she answered those questions a man asks but never wants the true answers too.

 

1) Is he bigger than me.

2) Did you like sex with him more than me.

 

He has the video tape for both of those questions.

 

I would say this is a doomed marriage.

[Lizzie60]

Have your H read your post.. maybe he will understand that you still love him.. other than that.. I really don't know how you can win him back.. after all those lies..

 

Good luck with that.. and if he leaves.. I really can't blame him..

[Owl]

You asking me?????

 

She talks about "love" yeah sure.

 

She wants to stay why?

 

I don't know if any man really could get past what he saw, unless they were swingers. In this case she can WANT to "fix things" all she wants but the BS has to want to also.

 

Because she answered those questions a man asks but never wants the true answers too.

 

1) Is he bigger than me.

2) Did you like sex with him more than me.

 

He has the video tape for both of those questions.

 

I would say this is a doomed marriage.

 

I agree. Her H has made it clear that what she's done is unforgiveable, and that he has no interest in trying to reconcile. And given what she's described of the situation, I don't see how he'd ever "get past" this at all.

[jwi71]

The bottom line is I love my husband and want him back. Can anyone give me any ideas on how to help convince him that our sex life can be a fantastic one again. This seems to be his biggest problem right now. I know he should leave me but I am so sorry for what I have done. Any help would be appreciated.

 

Its a long and painful fight - one your H may not wish to engage in. From his vantage, the prize (you) are NOT worth the effort. So the question is REALLY: How do I convince my H I am worth it?

 

In order to ascertain IF you can...we must look at the damage done. Only when we know where and the extent of the hurt can we triage and treat.

 

1) You betrayed him. And for a flimsy reason to boot.

2) You had intercourse not only in the home but in the marital bed.

3) You lied to him and then tried to gaslight him.

4) When confronted with the evidence, you got angry at him. Did you blame him too?

5) The OM was a "nemesis" from childhood.

 

On the issues:

1) Your tone comes across as flippant. Yow were lonely, your "friend" (clearly she isnt) had great sex with a well hung stud (Im sure she told you that too). It comes across as "why not"...I hope you did NOT carry that tone over with your H. Like you are entitled because you felt lonely. Because size seems to be an issue, was it? Did you reciprocate his advances based on your friend's description and curiosity? These are massive assaults upon his pyshce...its all out blitzkrieg. All of this on top of betraying him. His view:

 

My W had sex with a well endowed man.

 

2) You had intercourse in the marital bed. That is a another massive pyshological blow to your H. Surely you knew what you were doing and the smybolism. Did you? Do you see how your H might view that:

 

My W had sex with a well endowed man in our bed.

 

3) Lying. This is par for the course. Your H will hang onto this for a awhile then figure out that of course you would lie about it ( I remember my 'duh, of course she would lie' moment). The real problem is: how does he know you're telling the truth NOW. You have NO choice but to be 100% open and honest. You have forever forfeited the right ot even the smallest of white lies. The lies can be overcome...it takes time.

 

The real damage is the gaslighting. Its mental abuse. You tried to convince him he was crazy and you would NEVER cheat. Of course, he had tapes . This will take an MC and IC's time. No other way around it.

 

So now your H is faced with:

 

My W had sex with a well endowed man in our bed, lied about then tried to gaslight me.

 

4) Why on Earth did you get angry at your H for? Violating your privacy? Its not like you were going to up and tell him - you were lying and gaslightin him. Did you blame him? Do you begin to get a sense of the damage wrought?

 

5) Why oh why did you sleep with a man your H despises? Was it a factor in your choice of lover? Was that part of the attraction? Your H's view:

 

My W had sex with a well endowed man that I hate in our bed, lied about then tried to gaslight me.

 

That's a tall order.

 

You need to end the A and be verifiable. And that will prove insanely difficult as your H travels. How on Earth are you going to convince him he doesn't leave the house through the front and the OM enters through the back? I thought on this and I have nothing. You CANNOT achieve this from your H's point of view. Your H must NOT travel - which means changing jobs. Tough in this economy.

 

Schedule MC and IC. However, with your H's job the times when he is away will retard the progress. But its worth a try. Your IC can go unimpeded.

 

Never EVER talk to your friend again. She isn't. Trust me on this, I know she didn't say go screw this guy...but her actions are destructive. See how she rubbed off on you? She validate the option to cheat. She's trouble - stay away.

 

You may wish to see a sex therapist. It might help recover intimacy. But if your H hand "size issues" before...the M and to a degree your H will never recover. If your H did have size issues then cheating with a well endowed man and enjoying it on tape...will CRUSH him. And I think it has.

 

End the A in a verifiable manner. Go to counseling. Be 100% open and honest...find tactful ways of being honest - no need to use it as a weapon.

 

I don't like your chances...but best wishes.

[Reggie]

Here's my advice: Start practicing like crazy for the SAT's/ACT's and see if you can get a perfect score in math and a really good verbal score. Start applying to the best technical colleges. M.I.T, R.P. I., Cal Poly etc.

You need to really focus on physics with an emphasis on Time Travel. Then....

[pkn06002]

Here's my advice: Start practicing like crazy for the SAT's/ACT's and see if you can get a perfect score in math and a really good verbal score. Start applying to the best technical colleges. M.I.T, R.P. I., Cal Poly etc.

You need to really focus on physics with an emphasis on Time Travel. Then....

 

OK that was mean but it is funny.

[reservoirdog1]

It's a foregone conclusion, I hope, that you've ended the affair and broken off all contact with the OM. If you haven't, then you're completely wasting our time. But I hope you have.

 

I'm not sure about your friend. If she simply told you about her cheating and how great it was, then she's definitely a bit of a skank, and a bad influence on you and your marriage. Probably shouldn't be your friend anymore, but I'm not going to say with certainty.

 

If she played any role in fixing you up with the OM, or encouraged you in the affair, or had anything to do with it in an enabling manner, then she should be persona non grata. Period. She should not be in your life, because she is clearly not a friend of the marriage you say you want to save so badly. Your marriage requires people who are there as friends for you and your H as a team, not people who are only friends with you and your selfish desires and actions.

 

(Oh, and thanks pkn06002... glad we're on the same page. )

[troubadour]

Have your H read your post.. maybe he will understand that you still love him.. other than that.. I really don't know how you can win him back.. after all those lies..

 

Good luck with that.. and if he leaves.. I really can't blame him..

 

 

Lizzie60,

 

I think this is exactly what she is hoping for. She hopes that her husband will find it and read it on his own. That's why she trolls about how much she loves him... what really means that she has no place to go and she needs his income.

[Lizzie60]

Lizzie60,

 

I think this is exactly what she is hoping for. She hopes that her husband will find it and read it on his own. That's why she trolls about how much she loves him... what really means that she has no place to go and she needs his income.

 

Huh??? why wait for him to FIND OUT ... he might never find out.. why not.. print it and show it to him.. or have him read it right from the screen.. geezz.. what's wrong with being 'direct' with him?

[lostsunsets]

 

The second reason is far more complex and I have no answers. My husband has known the other man for years and did not like him at all. My husband also had video of sex with me and the other man. This has been very hard for him to overcome. It is also compounded by the fact that to put it very delicately that the other man is very well endowed. My husband knows this and he saw us having sex on the video he recorded.

He will not touch me anymore. He says that he saw how much I enjoyed it with the other man and he said he cannot compete with him. I tried to explain to him that sex with him (my husband) was every bit as fulfilling as it was with the other man but he does not buy it. He says it is not worth being married to me because I will not be happy with our sex life even though I would pick my husband over the other man in a heart beat.

 

I can’t convince him that the size difference does not matter to me. He does not believe me and why should he as I have lied so much. But my sex life with my husband was every bit as good as with the other man. Can anyone help me at all with this problem. Our youngest is a girl and she really loves her daddy and she hates me right now. All of the kids are very mad at me and I am trying to make things right with everyone.

 

The bottom line is I love my husband and want him back. Can anyone give me any ideas on how to help convince him that our sex life can be a fantastic one again. This seems to be his biggest problem right now. I know he should leave me but I am so sorry for what I have done. Any help would be appreciated.

 

 

Of course he will never believe you. Think about it. The man looked in your face when you were screwing. He knows what he has seen. And he knows the look on you face when the other man was doing you. You may have had a great sex life with your husband. But your husband will never forget the size of his member in you, and the look on your face. You destroyed your husband, and you destroyed your marriage. Why? For an orgasm. I hope it was a good one. He probably could have forgiven you but I'm sure along with the pictures you derided him. And talked about how he filled you up. Your poor husband. Just think how you screwed over the man you loved.

[troubadour]

Huh??? why wait for him to FIND OUT ... he might never find out.. why not.. print it and show it to him.. or have him read it right from the screen.. geezz.. what's wrong with being 'direct' with him?

 

 

Well, if you were her husband... would you believe even one word comming out of her mouth.

 

If she just showed it to him directly it wouldn't have the same effect. He would consider it to be yet another trick on her part... this time to just keep her around. I think it is quite likely that he still monitors her computer activity and I guess this is what she is hoping for... she wants him to find it on his own. She wants him to discover on his own how regretfull she is... that she would chose him over her "big dick" OM... you know what I am talking about.

[lostsunsets]

Troubadour, wow, you're right. She will never come back again. All she wanted him to do was read her first post. The poor guy. She just lying to him again. I hope he doesn't believe her and finds a woman who will love him and not go looking for a bigger dick.