Had Affair trying to save my Marriage

[LakesideDream]

I wonder how she will like life working at walmart. He will have child support payments. But only as long as the kids are with the cheating skank. And maybe he can get joint custody. Especially if he threatens to share his video collection with the family (threat only) He may be able to get full custody which will allow the tramp to go and jump as many guys as she wants between shifts at the Dairy Queen.

 

Sadly that just isn't the case anymore. In no fault states (38?) Infidelity isn't factored into spousal support or child custody.

 

He could end up paying all her bills until the last children is out of their bordello. And... less likely but it's possible she could receive substantial spousal support as well.

 

What she does with her sex organs when her husband isn't around probably won't affect their financial settlement if he decides to divorce.

[NewSunrise]

You realize that a BS doesn't become a different person once they find out. Mr. Normal guy does not suddenly become the Marquis DeSade.

 

I'm not sure what kind of weird scenario you have going on in your head, but the fact is that sometimes this is necessary.

 

When you cheat on someone you take away their power as a person in a very big way. It's your obligation to restore that. I put a lot of effort into fixing things, and in fact I did a fantastic job. It wasn't humiliating either... more like humbling.

You, me and a few other posters thinking the same of Tami-chan. She lost me a few times on her "logic?"...

[NewSunrise]

Well, if this post is a hoax, this poster is just as sick as her story.

 

If it isn't a hoax, she hasn't come back. And I bet ya, the husband is figuring out how to legally dump her including the mattress.

 

Poor kids...she should've taken them to the playground are taught them how to bake while their Daddy was working hard to make a life for them.

 

Or watched more HGTv...

[Dexter Morgan]

Well my husband is into technology so he started watching my email and he taped my phone calls. After he found out about the affair he got video proof in our bedroom of the affair with the other man.

 

You mean you had sex with this other man in you and your husband's own bed? has your husband burned that bed?

How deplorable! At least have the decency to have sex with someone else OUTSIDE the house.

 

 

He eventually confronted me and I lied about it. I denied everything and told him he was crazy because I did not want to lose him.

 

Well if the sex was so incredible and you were cheating, why do you care if you lose him?

 

 

He showed me the proof and I got angry with him.

 

Why? Because you got caught?

 

 

There are 2 issues that make my husband not want to stay married to me and one of them I have no way to overcome without help. My husband said he was upset for not being able to quit his job while I was having an affair.

 

Well ya! How do you think he feels trapped in that job, being away from home knowing you are screwing around while he is gone. I bet he can't concentrate on the job knowing that when he is gone, you are up to something.

 

He is in a tough spot to say the least. I feel for him on so many levels.

 

 

The second reason is far more complex and I have no answers. My husband has known the other man for years and did not like him at all. My husband also had video of sex with me and the other man. This has been very hard for him to overcome. It is also compounded by the fact that to put it very delicately that the other man is very well endowed. My husband knows this and he saw us having sex on the video he recorded.

He will not touch me anymore. He says that he saw how much I enjoyed it with the other man and he said he cannot compete with him. I tried to explain to him that sex with him (my husband) was every bit as fulfilling as it was with the other man but he does not buy it. He says it is not worth being married to me because I will not be happy with our sex life even though I would pick my husband over the other man in a heart beat.

 

I can’t convince him that the size difference does not matter to me. He does not believe me and why should he as I have lied so much. But my sex life with my husband was every bit as good as with the other man. Can anyone help me at all with this problem.

 

sorry, he has this in his head and it won't go away. I think, unless he wants to have a nervous breakdown, that he needs to divorce you. You have engaged in something that he will envision from here to the end of his days IF he stays with you. Only way to not care is to make you insignificant...via divorce.

 

But if you 2 stay together, he will always have inner turmoil about what you did. there is nothing you can do about that.

 

 

Our youngest is a girl and she really loves her daddy and she hates me right now. All of the kids are very mad at me and I am trying to make things right with everyone.

 

The bottom line is I love my husband and want him back. Can anyone give me any ideas on how to help convince him that our sex life can be a fantastic one again. This seems to be his biggest problem right now. I know he should leave me but I am so sorry for what I have done. Any help would be appreciated.

 

There isn't anything that you can do really. Much less because he still has a job that keeps him away from home alot. You said it yourself, you were lonely and liked the attention. I don't think you would be able to keep from cheating if he still has a job that keeps him away so long.

 

I think you have dealt him damage that is unrepairable. Some will say that it is recoverable, but some, like me, see it differently.

 

but if you do have hopes of keeping the family together, then you have to make him at ease while he is gone. How do you do that? Honestly, I don't know. Everytime he goes away, thoughts of you cheating will consume him constantly.

 

So the first thing is he needs to find a job that keeps him home....and this may sound bad, but so he can keep an eye on you. You put him in that position. If the marriage is to survive, if you call it surviving, then he needs to basically be like a prison warden for a while until he is at least "somewhat" comfortable with the situation.

 

And another thing, and you aren't going to like it. That "friend" that talked to you about her affair....that friendship needs to be dissolved. she is an enabler. I can just imagine the 2 of you sitting around talking about how great affair sex is and disrespecting your husbands.

[Dexter Morgan]

[/b]

 

Says who?

 

Treating someone like a doormat is a form of abuse.

 

On an ongoing and continuous basis, I'd say you are right. But the WS does need to bust their ass to make it up to the BS. I don't see making your BS more comfortable with things and making it up to them as being a doormat.

 

 

 

There is no good reason to treat anyone that bad.

 

Seeing as how the person in question cheated, I'd say you are correct.

 

 

 

What does humiliating a WS accomplish?

 

What do you think humiliating someone by cheating on them accomplishes?

 

this might be a tough concept for some to grasp, but if BS isn't to concerned with the "feelings" of a WS after the WS just basically destroyed them, then its just too bad.

 

I agree. A WS doesn't need to endure ongoing torment, but there does need to be some period of making amends where the WS needs to be humble and consider what I basically consider torture of their "victim".

 

A BS will carry a scar pretty much from that point on. Why is the WS to get off so easy?

[tami-chan]

Well, I'll be darned! Dexter Morgan! I must sincerely thank you for being kind enough to allow my dissenting voice a decent response.

 

(I know, Reg...I know...apologies are in order...LOL )

 

 

On an ongoing and continuous basis, I'd say you are right. But the WS does need to bust their ass to make it up to the BS. I don't see making your BS more comfortable with things and making it up to them as being a doormat.

 

True. I did say there must be humility on the part of the WS. I even believe that a WS cannot demand a time frame for healing from the BS. What I am not advocating is this notion that a repentant and sincerely sorry WS be MADE to suffer. I think a BS' reasonable demands include (100% access to emails, cell phones, etc) or the BS need for time to process the whole betrayal thing and therefore cannot be intimate with the WS just yet-those are examples of what's reasonable, obviously, there are more. Unreasonable to me would be to call her a whore or to keep the kids from her or not to speak unless spoken to...I mean, really. If a BS and a WS want to save their marriage, why even go there?

 

There is no good reason to treat anyone that bad.

Seeing as how the person in question cheated, I'd say you are correct.

 

Well, in theory there isn't. We find that in reality apparently, there is. Although, the reason why they think it is not "so bad" is because cheating is done in secrecy. What is not known, does not exist-that sort of thing. Many people do not think cheating IS emotional abuse especially when it is still not outed ( I learned that here in the forum, that it is. I didn't think so and I am a BS many times over!).

 

 

What do you think humiliating someone by cheating on them accomplishes?

 

People in adulterous relationships are not thinking about the outcome-or even the aftermath. They are just always hoping they can get away with it. I would venture to say that most people who cheat, do not cheat to hurt or humiliate their spouses, they cheat to fill a need (might be a selfish need).

 

this might be a tough concept for some to grasp, but if BS isn't to concerned with the "feelings" of a WS after the WS just basically destroyed them, then its just too bad.

 

I agree. What's there to fix? what's there to save? what's there to be sorry for? what's there to forgive?

 

I agree. A WS doesn't need to endure ongoing torment, but there does need to be some period of making amends where the WS needs to be humble and consider what I basically consider torture of their "victim".

 

Oh absolutely. But the whole concept of love and forgiveness and all that stuff is not about equalizing the pain caused, no?

 

A BS will carry a scar pretty much from that point on. Why is the WS to get off so easy?

 

If the WS is sincerely sorry and remorseful there is no getting off easy. Her own conscience will punish her, I think.

 

 

Thanks, again, Dexter Morgan!

[tami-chan]

How so? To me, one must ACCEPT the role of doormat in order to be one - since by definition resisting makes one...um..."not a doormat".

 

How so what? How is it abusive? read my other post. If one is desperate enough to save one's marriage and one is really, really sorry about one;s infidelity, then one would probably accept the "doormat" treatment. My opinion: Don't accept being treated like a doormat. Be humble and have humility.

 

Huh? I cannot reconcile this quote and the first one as they are seemingly contradictory. Do explain.

 

How is this contradictory? If a WS feels like a doormat because of the things she/he already feels about herself(she is a loser, good for nothing, a scumbag), those are self-inflicted and therefore those are on him/her! The source is not the BS.

 

[And who decides what is reasonable? What if being a doormat is deemed reasonable by the BS? Is that then acceptable?

 

Depends on society, the religious beliefs and the individuals concerned. If the BS deemed it necessary to return the abuse to the WS to save the marriage, then I say, the WS ought to just leave the BS. No not acceptable. Not to me. You may not agree with me, but that's why this is my opinion.

 

If you are referring to being a doormat as humiliating...then your question is a non sequitur as the act of being a doormat is chosen by the doormat.

 

Your statement does not make sense actually,at least not to me...what does not follow? what is not in sequence? can you explain to me what is it about my question that is non-sequitor?

 

 

If you are making a general statement...then I agree in general. Though we could both conjure realistic scenarios where public humiliation does good.

 

Hmmm...I am sure we won't agree on the types of "scenarios where public humiliation does good"....I am not a fan of such things.

[Pamcat826]

<<If the WS is sincerely sorry and remorseful there is no getting off easy. Her own conscience will punish her, I think.>>

 

If she had a conscience she would not have cheated. People only experience guilt and remorse for things they didn't do intentionally, accidents are an example, let your husbands childhood nemisis penetrate you in the marital bed is no accident.

 

She's not sorry. She's sorry she got caught. She doesn't want the husband back. She wants her youngest daughters respect and approval back. Daughters tends to love their Mommies except when Mommy is a no-good-lying whore who drives their Daddy to tears. They tend to remember this betrayal forever, it also let's them know Mommy's love isn't unconditional and forever, because Mommy loves herself more than she loves Daddy and the family combined.

[tami-chan]

You realize that a BS doesn't become a different person once they find out. Mr. Normal guy does not suddenly become the Marquis DeSade.

 

Actually, many BS do become different people after a betrayal. I know I did. I did not become violent or anything like that. It's innocence gone, it's trust gone, it's a lot of things gone...how can anyone stay the same? I do not your story, but if you were a BS and you were not profundly changed by your WS betrayal....wow...does that mean, it had no impact on you?

 

I'm not sure what kind of weird scenario you have going on in your head, but the fact is that sometimes this is necessary

 

Well..nothing weird. I was just expressing a dissenting view. In my world, it is not necessary. A sincere, repentant, remorseful WS is already suffering(as evidenced by the many who posted here) -and if he/she is not, why punish him/her? Why even waste your energy on that? File for divorce.

 

When you cheat on someone you take away their power as a person in a very big way. It's your obligation to restore that. I put a lot of effort into fixing things, and in fact I did a fantastic job. It wasn't humiliating either... more like humbling.

 

I understand. I just do not believe breaking the person(WS) down more-remember, we are only talking about repentant, wanting-to-work-it-out-WSs-would do any good. I think it will cause resentment. Why add that to the problem?

[tami-chan]

<<If the WS is sincerely sorry and remorseful there is no getting off easy. Her own conscience will punish her, I think.>>

 

If she had a conscience she would not have cheated. People only experience guilt and remorse for things they didn't do intentionally, accidents are an example, let your husbands childhood nemisis penetrate you in the marital bed is no accident.

 

She's not sorry. She's sorry she got caught. She doesn't want the husband back. She wants her youngest daughters respect and approval back. Daughters tends to love their Mommies except when Mommy is a no-good-lying whore who drives their Daddy to tears. They tend to remember this betrayal forever, it also let's them know Mommy's love isn't unconditional and forever, because Mommy loves herself more than she loves Daddy and the family combined.

 

So you are saying All Cheaters Do Not Have A Conscience? so why do these BSs want to save their marriages? are they just gluttons for pain?

[tami-chan]

You, me and a few other posters thinking the same of Tami-chan. She lost me a few times on her "logic?"...

 

 

NewSunrise, I don't think I have ever read any of your post, so you must forgive me for not being familiar with your story or any of your views, but you know as well as I know this is not about "my logic". This is about you sticking up for your buddies because a "newbie" had the audacity to express a dissenting opinion.

 

Grow up, this is not high school where you are trying to bully the "new girl"...

[tami-chan]

And that same logic from a past life as well.

 

 

Have you done your political research? I do believe Dexter Morgan had some questions for you, too, in the politics thread. Funny, you seem to always disappear when you are deluge with questions. C'mon, something substantive from you would be nice for a change.

 

What are your thoughts about this thread, donna?

[Pamcat826]

Masochists do what masochists do. People who have had the ones they love and who are most dear to their hearts hurt them run for cover (divorce).

[White Flower]

If she had a conscience she would not have cheated. People only experience guilt and remorse for things they didn't do intentionally, accidents are an example, let your husbands childhood nemisis penetrate you in the marital bed is no accident.

 

Sorry, I beg to differ. I have done things intentionally and have experienced sincere remorse. I believe true remorse stems from intention itself.

[White Flower]

Now you can't understand why he doesen't want to be intimate with you any more. You seem suprised that the images, both imagined and physically available on video of another man penetrating you with a penis much larger than his, watching you exclaim your extasy and sexual satisfaction with your affair partner.... have destroyed his desire for you? You must be kidding. His response seems completely normal to me.

 

If I were him I'd move you and your filthy bed out of the bedroom and put a lock on the door. I'd continue to work until my children were old enough to fend for themselves and end the marriage the first day I felt I morally could. You can't expect him to "forget" or even forgive your infidelity when all he has to do is click his mouse and watch your boyfriends "well endowed" penis penetrating you while listening to you squeel with delight all in your marital bed. I can't imagine all the counseling in the world overcomming those images.

 

I can't even fathom him having any responses that are favorable to you.

And yet BWs everywhere forgive their CHs for sleeping with Barbie dolls who are voluptuous in just the right places.

 

Just about anyone and anything can be forgiven.

[LakesideDream]

And yet BWs everywhere forgive their CHs for sleeping with Barbie dolls who are voluptuous in just the right places.

 

Just about anyone and anything can be forgiven.

 

 

Yea, but those BW's usually don't have Color Digital Movies of the romper room.

[mark982]

she knew that her husband knew the other man from childhood and didn't like him then or now.this right there is the ultimate insult,boinking a man he hates.now that mans walking around w/ a smirk on his face.and believe me,he will shove that in her husbands face.

[Justanotherschmuck]

I need help. I have ruined so many lives and I just want to make things right. I know I don’t deserve it but I need help trying to get my life back. I have 4 kids. I am trying to make things right especially for my youngest daughter who worships her father.

 

I had an affair. A few years back my husband lost his job and he found another but it involved travel. He was making good money but he would have to travel to the East Coast every month for almost 2 weeks. He liked the job but he hated being gone. This has caused us a lot of problems.

I started having an affair. One of my girlfriends had an affair with a guy and we were talking about it. She said the sex was incredible and we use to discuss this among many things. The guy she was having the affair with was a guy that my husband had known since they were kids. I was lonely and this same guy started coming on to me. I liked the attention and before I knew it we started the affair.

 

My husband called me from work one day and told me he was thinking of quitting. I got scared because I was not working and we would not have had any income. He became angry with me and said it seemed strange that I would not want him around. (He told me later this conversation was the beginning of the end of our marriage.) He did not quit and of course I was still having an affair.

 

Well my husband is into technology so he started watching my email and he taped my phone calls. After he found out about the affair he got video proof in our bedroom of the affair with the other man. He eventually confronted me and I lied about it. I denied everything and told him he was crazy because I did not want to lose him. He showed me the proof and I got angry with him.

 

There are 2 issues that make my husband not want to stay married to me and one of them I have no way to overcome without help. My husband said he was upset for not being able to quit his job while I was having an affair. He hates the fact I used him. I did not want him to quit because we would have no money coming in but he thinks it is because it kept him away while the affair was going on.

 

The second reason is far more complex and I have no answers. My husband has known the other man for years and did not like him at all. My husband also had video of sex with me and the other man. This has been very hard for him to overcome. It is also compounded by the fact that to put it very delicately that the other man is very well endowed. My husband knows this and he saw us having sex on the video he recorded.

He will not touch me anymore. He says that he saw how much I enjoyed it with the other man and he said he cannot compete with him. I tried to explain to him that sex with him (my husband) was every bit as fulfilling as it was with the other man but he does not buy it. He says it is not worth being married to me because I will not be happy with our sex life even though I would pick my husband over the other man in a heart beat.

 

I can’t convince him that the size difference does not matter to me. He does not believe me and why should he as I have lied so much. But my sex life with my husband was every bit as good as with the other man. Can anyone help me at all with this problem. Our youngest is a girl and she really loves her daddy and she hates me right now. All of the kids are very mad at me and I am trying to make things right with everyone.

 

The bottom line is I love my husband and want him back. Can anyone give me any ideas on how to help convince him that our sex life can be a fantastic one again. This seems to be his biggest problem right now. I know he should leave me but I am so sorry for what I have done. Any help would be appreciated.

 

Oh god. Friends friends friends. Another TOXIC female friend. Another thing your husband should demand is that you NEVER, EVER come in contact with this "friend" again.

[Justanotherschmuck]

And yet BWs everywhere forgive their CHs for sleeping with Barbie dolls who are voluptuous in just the right places.

 

Just about anyone and anything can be forgiven.

 

 

What the hell does one have to do with the other? Really where is the sense in your statement.

 

Yeah, just about anyone and anything can be forgiven. About 50 years ago. The days of forgiveness are over. Hence the 50% divorce rate.

[Justanotherschmuck]

So you are saying All Cheaters Do Not Have A Conscience? so why do these BSs want to save their marriages? are they just gluttons for pain?

 

 

That conscience thing you talk about......it has a strange way of popping to the surface when a cheat gets CAUGHT. Don't catch em, well, it could take DECADES for it to mysteriously appear, usually around the time the spouse is leaving them, even though they know NOTHING about the affair.

 

I agree, cheaters may have consciences, but they are BARELY present. Its the person presented with an opportunity and doesn't give in that has the conscience. (or much much more of one.)

[Justanotherschmuck]

Well, I'll be darned! Dexter Morgan! I must sincerely thank you for being kind enough to allow my dissenting voice a decent response.

 

(I know, Reg...I know...apologies are in order...LOL )

 

 

 

 

True. I did say there must be humility on the part of the WS. I even believe that a WS cannot demand a time frame for healing from the BS. What I am not advocating is this notion that a repentant and sincerely sorry WS be MADE to suffer. I think a BS' reasonable demands include (100% access to emails, cell phones, etc) or the BS need for time to process the whole betrayal thing and therefore cannot be intimate with the WS just yet-those are examples of what's reasonable, obviously, there are more. Unreasonable to me would be to call her a whore or to keep the kids from her or not to speak unless spoken to...I mean, really. If a BS and a WS want to save their marriage, why even go there?

 

 

 

 

Well, in theory there isn't. We find that in reality apparently, there is. Although, the reason why they think it is not "so bad" is because cheating is done in secrecy. What is not known, does not exist-that sort of thing. Many people do not think cheating IS emotional abuse especially when it is still not outed ( I learned that here in the forum, that it is. I didn't think so and I am a BS many times over!).

 

 

 

 

People in adulterous relationships are not thinking about the outcome-or even the aftermath. They are just always hoping they can get away with it. I would venture to say that most people who cheat, do not cheat to hurt or humiliate their spouses, they cheat to fill a need (might be a selfish need).

 

 

 

I agree. What's there to fix? what's there to save? what's there to be sorry for? what's there to forgive?

 

 

 

Oh absolutely. But the whole concept of love and forgiveness and all that stuff is not about equalizing the pain caused, no?

 

 

 

If the WS is sincerely sorry and remorseful there is no getting off easy. Her own conscience will punish her, I think.

 

 

Thanks, again, Dexter Morgan!

 

Oh God, treating someone like a doormat is abuse? Yeah, and saying no is abuse, and not buying expensive enough things is abuse, and disagreeing is abuse. Everything nowadays is abuse. No treating someone like a doormat is being an azzhole. IF they weren't cheated on. Then its just desserts.

 

Heres a form of abuse. Messing around behind your spouses back, IN THEIR OWN BED. Heres more abuse. Lying to your spouse so that the affair can continue.

 

There is only ONE person abusing another in this fabricated story.

 

Cheaters are ALWAYS wrong. There are no circumstances that make cheating right, ever. I doubt anyone would say the same thing about rape, would they? How you dress, how you behave, what you say.....that only counts in defense of an WOMANS affair, right?

[Justanotherschmuck]

[/b]

 

Says who?

 

Treating someone like a doormat is a form of abuse. There is no good reason to treat anyone that bad. The WS can feel like a doormat, but that would be on her/him, as long as the BS did not cause it. Of course there are reasonable things that need to be done to heal from a betrayal but being treated like a doormat, is not one of them.

 

What does humiliating a WS accomplish?

 

What does having an affair accoumplish? Action, reaction. And if the BS wants to humiliate the WS, its his or her ball.

[NewSunrise]

NewSunrise, I don't think I have ever read any of your post, so you must forgive me for not being familiar with your story or any of your views, but you know as well as I know this is not about "my logic". This is about you sticking up for your buddies because a "newbie" had the audacity to express a dissenting opinion.

 

Grow up, this is not high school where you are trying to bully the "new girl"...

Actually, on the contrary, I didn't perceive you as a "newbie".

 

Buddies? Huh? You do realize that LS---no one really knows anyone privately other than by their username and stories, right? And you do realize that even "buddies" disagree quite often on LS, right? Expect that if you are going to post something here, you will have replies that will go against your grain and thinking. So you're right, this is NOT high school! Don't label it as one.

 

So exactly what is your story tami-chan? I had to reread your replies to figure out where you're coming from. On one reply, you said you've been a BS many times over yet in many more replies, you keep throwing hypothical scenarios in the hope of trying to grasp for a more specific answer.

 

So are you the BS now and are trying to save your marriage like this poster? Or have you switched to being the WS and are trying to save your marriage?

[Dexter Morgan]

He's on ignore for me, if you MUST know, because he has a certain way of posting, IMO, that is very grating.

 

I'm on ignore with donna because she can't answer questions or fails to qualify and substantiate her comments with fact.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well, I'll be darned! Dexter Morgan! I must sincerely thank you for being kind enough to allow my dissenting voice a decent response.

 

Don't push your luck!

 

True. I did say there must be humility on the part of the WS. I even believe that a WS cannot demand a time frame for healing from the BS. What I am not advocating is this notion that a repentant and sincerely sorry WS be MADE to suffer.

 

Well, they need to suffer a little bit for the HUGE and prolonged suffering they have inflicted on their so-called "loved one".

 

 

I think a BS' reasonable demands include (100% access to emails, cell phones, etc) or the BS need for time to process the whole betrayal thing and therefore cannot be intimate with the WS just yet-those are examples of what's reasonable, obviously, there are more.

 

I would add that all activities that were more condusive to the cheating stop. Such as, going out drinking with friends are over, clubbing, or anything where the SO wouldn't be "welcome".

 

 

Unreasonable to me would be to call her a whore or to keep the kids from her or not to speak unless spoken to...I mean, really. If a BS and a WS want to save their marriage, why even go there?

 

I don't know either. Never called my X any of those (while still married anyway;))

 

But I did call her a cheater. why? because thats what she is. She shouldn't have been surprised at that label. But it wasn't like I shoved it in her face for the not quite 2 months before I filed for divorce. I probably called her that in anger a couple of times when it was really fresh.

 

 

People in adulterous relationships are not thinking about the outcome-or even the aftermath.

 

Still doesn't change the humilation they imposed on their BS. And it doesn't change the idea that the WS should also suffer some sort of humilation for what they did. And that humiliation may be self-imposed, it may not need come from the BS.

 

 

Oh absolutely. But the whole concept of love and forgiveness and all that stuff is not about equalizing the pain caused, no?

 

 

Correct. But the idea of the WS feeling the same level or equal "pain" should help them see what they have really done. No consequences = no change.

 

 

If the WS is sincerely sorry and remorseful there is no getting off easy. Her own conscience will punish her, I think.

 

Perhaps, but as an x-BS, to me there would need to be a little more tangible suffering than her conscious. If she had a conscious, she wouldn't have cheated in the first place.