Why can't I just "accept" stuff?

[FlowersForMedusa]

I just wish I could be happy with mediocrity. I don't know why I bother having such dreams such as becoming an indie/progressive rock superstar... I don't know why I dream of becoming an infamous vocalist and nobody has any faith in me (but I'm a permanent loser... why should I blame them?) I can't even take lessons where I want to 'cause they're too expensive. I've wanted to give up so many times, but I just can't; even throughout the writers' block, stage fright, inability to find any band members etc. I keep holding on... perhaps 'cause that's all I've really got deep down inside. I want to cry for those poor American Idol rejects who are torn apart by the judges... I want to pat them on the back and give them a hug. They have/had dreams that were torn apart... that's one of the worst hurts one can ever have to deal with. Believe me, I've been there.

 

I've been depressed most of my life and knew I was an inferior goyim loser ever since I was a child, but the last 2-3 weeks have been miserable. My social life is in hell 'cause a lot of my friends are drama kings. People want me beaten for NO reason! I can't even do good, honest yardwork without the next door neighbor threatening to beat me for bothering his dogs (which, btw, bother me and my mother from barking literally ALL DAY if he isn't home). I had to file for unemployment and it's gonna be a pain 'cause my last place of employment didn't even lay me off; they just didn't give me any ours. I've been working myself to the bone trying to find a new job, and when I DO get an interview, they say they'll give me a 2nd or even 3rd one, yet it never happens. My life is just one huge let-down. I can try forever to master something, but what happens? Some schmuck blows all my effort outta the water mastering what I did in 2 months in 2 days.

 

I wish I could just give up and live in mediocrity; become some depressed, wallflower writer or English professor (believe me, whatever command I have with the English language is a cosmic accident; I HATE everyday writing!) and live with an average (or below average) salary, unattractive wife/female companion I end up cheating on 'cause the sex is/becomes boring, average kids who blame me for all their problems once they hit 13 (which, they'd be right about in a way), an average minivan, an average schedule, and an average home in suburbia with an average life where I'd painfully identify with Kevin Spacey's character in "American Beauty" or John Cusak's in "Being John Malkovich". UGH, makes me sick just thinking of it... holding onto a life like that for the sake of having a meal the next day. Just thinking about that makes me want to do myself in... living a life feeling imprisoned like that.

 

I'm also tired of the wannabe "self-help" gurus who tear me apart by saying crap like "It's all your fault; you need to take control of your life!" and "You just need to accept things and pull up the bootstraps; I've had it MUCH worse than you, brat!" and "Stop complaining and get in line with the rest of us!" I envy the fact that they can be so defensive of the mediocrity they claim to be against... the kind that can spiritually castrate people like me who have watched his favorite bands on stage tearing it up, putting on a show, thinking to myself "why not me?" At least all the bullies who picked on me growing up, who made me hate most people were honest, making fun of my height, my looks, my lack of physical strength, my shyness, and being a virgin (which I still am) calling me a fag, loser, idiot, retard, moron, pervert, lost cause etc. at least they were honest with how they felt about me. I'm also tired of people feeding into wannabe-esoteric BS like "You are the creator of your reality and you are a god on this earth..." What a pile... if humans were GOD, then there would be no need for anything like "self-help" or all that crap... nobody'd ever feel depressed or unfulfilled; we'd be perfect and content creatures with no flaws whatsoever.

 

I just wish I had the strength to face reality; that I'm essentially worthless. I'm just a name on a piece of paper and another weak, depressing resource-draining waste of carbon, water, and tissue that eats up mother earth's resources.

 

I'm just hoping reincarnation is true so I can hopefully, in my next life, reincarnate into a housecat (or any sort of feline, really) instead of dealing with the existential pain of being a human being. I wouldn't mind losing my ability to reproduce, either.

 

my thoughts on life.

[BIGO]

wow!!!!! i really feel your pain. i hate my life too. ihave only like 5 friends rarely hang out my family is poor so i dont have **** i only work five hours a week and i suck at sports. on top of it to make life better ive never been laid or never had a gf. i have adhd social anxiety and depression. i dont drive even though im almost 18.i want to join the army its my dream but i know i dont got the balls to make it through boot camp. i really think god put me on earth just so he could laugh at me. i think im god's ginuea pig. LIFES A BITCH!!!!!

[yumeryu3]

I have a client who has the same issue of not feeling worth while when he doesn't live up to his full potential. He often beats himself up because he dreams so big.Phil, as I will call him here, has a lot of goals and dreams he wishes to accomplish in his life. The problem is that he is often set back, hits obstacles, sometimes because of himself, and then feels lost or confused.He finds that the more he puts into his goals and dreams the better he feels. The problem comes about when he lets things get him down and he stops moving forward. He then slips into slumps that take weeks to get out of.My advice to him is to keep his eye on his ultimate goal and the lessons learned along the journey. "Obstacles are those things we see when we take our eyes off of our goals," after all. Don't know who said that, I saw it on a poster.Another great one I love is "those blocks that are obstacles to the weak are stepping stones for the strong." Keep moving, keep focused, and never give up regardless of what may or may not come your way.

[Brady_to_Moss]

I use to have depression and Social anxiety...but i was put on Lexapro and it all went away...made my life so much better.