SidLyon Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Hello I'm new here. I'm wondering what to do. About 4 months ago I caught my husband out on a dating website. I hacked into his profile and discovered that he had been meeting women trying to get someone to have an affair with him. I also discovered a hotmail e-mail account - hacked into that too and found out that he'd had an affair with a married woman starting about 7 years ago ending 3 years ago. Her husband died unexpectedly about 10 months ago and she and he were also contemplating re-establishing their affair. My husband's e-mails and communications on the dating website made it clear that he wanted to stay married! I was in total shock as I had no idea - I called him at work - he came home and confessed everything including visits to massage parlours - which I would never had known about. Since then he has ended all contact with the OW although there were some teething problems at first. He has never wavered from saying that he loves me and wants to stay married and will do whatever it takes. He has answered all my questions honestly even though there have been some things he would rather not have told me. My problem is that I'm still having a lot of difficulty dealing with all this. I don't want our marriage to end but I'm taking a huge risk in staying with him because he might just do it again. He says he could never do it all again. Does anyone know the statistics on how many marriages are able to recover? Has anyone on this forum been successfull in this? One thing is that we are both working very hard to make the marriage work and we both accept that we can't strive to go back to our "old" marriage as it was before as obviously there were major problems. Sid Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 What you need now is a "new marriage" with this dude. I recommend the article at marriagebuilders.com. Maybe you need to buy the book "Surviving an Affair" Dr Harley. Rebuild this marriage from scratch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SidLyon Posted March 21, 2009 Author Share Posted March 21, 2009 Thank you Imagine, I have read some of the things on marriage builders and we worked out in conjunction with our counsellor that we needed to rebuild our marriage but not the same as it was previously. We have been trying to do this but I struggle with it every day as the thoughts of my husband's activities are often overwhelming. After 4 months they are subsiding a little, although I am often sad. I think we are achieving some success with this as we are making time to communicate and just spending time together. It feels strange though that we are doing stuff that people would nornally do when in a new relationship yet at the same time we already have the kids, the home, our extended family and the established domestic routines. Have others on this forum been successful with reconciling after such infidelity? Sid (BTW I am female) Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 Recovery from his actions WILL take a long time. There are two points: Recovering marriage and restoring confidence in him. Down load the Emotional Needs Form at MB articles and find out what you BOTH need. Learn about a POJA. Defense for future marriage problems. Spend about an hour a week on his wayward activities. This helps to prevent it in future (Extraordinary Precautions). Better still let him write a diary. This will help speed up YOUR recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 First, get tested for STD's. I wouldn't say he is being completely honest just yet. The trickle truth is a favorite tool of the newly busted. Then decide what it is you want. I know you said you don't want to end your marriage, but that isn't enough. As one of the other posters said, you need a new marriage because this one is dead. You have to start from scratch. Decide what you want out of a new marriage. Decide what the boundaries are and state them with clarity. Decide what you limits are and the consequences if those limits and boundaries are breached. And be willing to follow through. People only treat you the way you allow them to. Knowledge is power and you have been given new info about your husband, you have the power to control your life, not his actions, but your life. Let him know, he doesn't get another chance. Then start to plan, just in case he isn't serious about your new marriage. Prepare for a life without him as you prepare for a new life with him. I know that sounds contradictory, but it will show him you are serious and you won't except less than 100% from him. Don't try to shield him from the consequences of his infidelity. Let him reap the what he has sown. You can support that he has feelings, but don't try to soften any blows he might get. Get MC and IC for both of you. IC will help him understand why he has chosen cheating as way to deal with underlying issues in his life and it will help you to deal with the stages of grief you will go through. I would suggest you not use the same counselor for IC. Then learn to communicate effectively. Not talking at each other, but to each other and listening with your heart and your mind. My marriage to Mr. Messy wasn't worth the effort, but I do know quite a few people who have reconnected and built a new solid foundation for their new marriage. I don't know your personal belief system, but if you believe in God, make your marriage a 3some. You, your H, and God. Blessings. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 My problem is that I'm still having a lot of difficulty dealing with all this. I don't want our marriage to end but I'm taking a huge risk in staying with him because he might just do it again. He says he could never do it all again. Why would you believe that if he can't explain to you why he did it the first time(s)? You're braver than I would be under the same circumstances... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author SidLyon Posted March 22, 2009 Author Share Posted March 22, 2009 [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Thanks for your words which give me some confidence that I'm not too far off track. A test for STDs was one of the first things that happened 4 months ago.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]We have been to joint counselling but not individual as yet. Our counsellor let us go last month encouraging us to try on our own; but with words of encouragement that she thought if anyone could do it we could. We are both intelligent and well educated people although obviously that doesn't preclude doing stupid things.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Initially I couldn't even contemplate a life without being married to him however in the last few weeks I've come to realise that I must be able to imagine that I will make it on my own. It's not a thought I'm really comfortable with - yet. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I have decided and conveyed to him that I don't want to go through anything like this again but if I do it will be the last time - no 3rd chance. If it were to happen again then I am so much better prepared for it - I doubt that he could deceive me for so long again. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]The boundaries have been established - no internet dating sites, no massage parlours (these stopped several years ago anyway) and NC with the OW. I appreciate now how easy it is to deceive someone so while he may well do it again it will only be a matter of time before he will be found out - it won't take 7 years as I'm no longer sitting there in my smug complacency thinking it won't happen to me. Other boundaries are that he has to communicate with me if he's feeling neglected (ha!) and likewise with me. It seemed to escape his notice that he and I were in the same marriage so if he was feeling a lack of affection and intimacy then I had to be feeling the same way.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]We have re-established a more satisfying sex life since D day - I guess we were fortunate that we were able to do this. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]It is probably a matter of time and hard work - but I accept that he may well become my own Mr Messy - something I never signed up for when getting married. Mr Lucky asks why I would believe him - I guess I'm willing to give him a 2nd (but not more) chance. Belief and trust will only come back if I am not betrayed again - I think it will take a long while.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]S[/sIZE][/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 Mr Lucky asks why I would believe him - I guess I'm willing to give him a 2nd (but not more) chance. Belief and trust will only come back if I am not betrayed again - I think it will take a long while. Belief is one thing, understanding is another. Your H didn't come to you and confess because he felt badly about the cheating - he got caught. He may really feel badly about what he's done and the hurt he's caused, but that doesn't address the self-serving sense of entitlement - "I'm not happy so I'm OK doing this" - that leads a spouse to post on dating sites, visit massage parlors and engage in affairs. As you said, you were both in the same marriage but only one cheated. Unless I felt that there was a greater level of self-awareness, I'd be very, very afraid... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 Increased sex after d-day is normal. It is called hysterical bonding. It could remain that way for a while or end suddenly. Be prepared for you emotions to play a big part in that. As you go through the grief stages, your sex life will go through changes. Keep your eyes and ears open. Link to post Share on other sites
MichelleS1983 Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 Oh boy, this guy's been cheating pretty much since day #1. A 4-year long affair, dating sites, meeting women off the internet to coax them into affairs, massage parlors, and the list goes on. Jesus. And that's only the stuff you FOUND - and that he HAD to confess about. I shudder at what you DON'T know. Bless you, Syd. As another poster said, you're alot braver than some of us. I honestly wouldn't ever trust this guy again. Not even to take out the garbage - I'd be afraid he was hitting on random joggers running past the house while he was putting it in the garbage can outside. He's got big problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SidLyon Posted March 22, 2009 Author Share Posted March 22, 2009 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Hmm – yes hysterical bonding does sound like an apt name for it.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I don’t understand the sense of entitlement behind his actions and probably never will – yes I am very afraid for myself and my marriage – but feel I owe it to all parties to try –I love him as well but love may not be enough. I know that it wasn’t my fault and that these were choices he made and that old habits die hard. Ultimately I can’t stop him from doing it all again – the fact that he loved me and wanted to stay married wasn’t enough before so I ask myself why it would be enough again. I believe (perhaps naively) in 2nd chances but I am interested too about how likely it is that we can have a functional marriage in the future.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I have decided to stay in the marriage for the time being and agreed to work through our problems – while I see him doing the same I think it will be OK. When the going gets tough as it inevitably will, will be the time to see how he reacts and if his commitments waver.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]It may not appear so but I am absolutely devastated by what has happened and that I now only seem to have unpalatable choices. To stay while alternating between hope, unhappiness and anger; and risk that it all happens again, or go and undergo the standard year or 2 of misery that always seems to accompany a marriage break up. I also know that for much of my marriage I have been denied the knowledge on which I could make informed choices for myself. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Sometimes I feel very hopeless.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]S[/sIZE][/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
Author SidLyon Posted March 22, 2009 Author Share Posted March 22, 2009 Sorry I don't know why it does that. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 I would just like for you to arm yourself with as much information as possible. Read, get counseling for yourself and ask questions. Find a confidant that you can bounce your feelings off of. Do what you feel is necessary. In time he will prove himself one way or the other. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Sorry I don't know why it does that. Are you cut and pasting from Word? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author SidLyon Posted March 23, 2009 Author Share Posted March 23, 2009 Are you cut and pasting from Word? Mr. Lucky Yes and Outlook too - so maybe that's why. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Outside software brings the tags along when you cut and paste. Better to compose here and use the internal spell checker. Don't feel bad, many have done the same thing... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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