Can love be restored even after she says she doesnt love you anymore?

[Lester]

I have been married to the same wonderful woman for 20 years. A couple years ago the stress from work put me into a depression and I became verbally abusive to her. At the same time she took care of my books and was not paying bills. She had it all screwed up. When she would do something to anger me I would just lose control. I would be screaming to myself on the inside to shut up but I couldnt stop. This is not me at all.

She left me a month and a half ago at my insistence while I was in one of my moods. I have since been to the doctor and he has me on paxil and it is working very well. No more moods and I am also working very hard everyday to make myself a better person. I have been sitting on my front porch every night thinking since she left and I clearly know everything that I have done. I also have realized just how much I love her. She has been my entire life. I have always been madly in love with her and still am. When I talk to her trying to get her to come home she says that she doesnt love me anymore and she probably never will.

This is absolutely heart wrenching to me. I destroyed her love by something I could not control. She still talks to me most nights but she will not talk about us.

We have a 14 year old son who has moved back in with me. He has been very upset at his mother for not coming home and no matter how hard he tries she wont budge. This is very odd for her since her son is her entire life.

My question is this. Is there a chance that love can be restored in her heart and if so how? I am now the same man she married and there is no one who loves her more. I'll always love her and without her I am nothing

[desperate]

I don't want to give you any false hopes...

 

From everything I've heard and read on this website, usually when a woman makes up her mind, it's a done deal. It won't do you any good what-so-ever to tell her that you've changed. In fact, telling her that you've changed will only strengthen her resolve that there were things that NEEDED to change. By telling her you've changed, or that you are willing to change, all you do is bring the past into the present. It's a reminder of all the reasons she came to this conclusion.

 

What you CAN do, is learn how to be O.K. with the fact that she is gone. You don't have to like it, just be O.K. with it. Once you get to that point, the pain will hurt a little less (it won't go away, but it will be less distracting). Then what you need to do is SHOW her that you've changed. Love her to the best of your ability, and let her see that you are the man she fell in love with.

 

BE PREPARED for your love not to be returned! Because it won't...not initially. In fact, that you have changed may even anger her because in her mind, you should have done it before it got to this point. But don't re-act to her lack of love for you--stop, take a deep breath, and respond with love.

 

It will take a long time for any deep-seeded resentments to fade away from her mind. She may never love you anymore. Remember, by this point, you are O.K. with that...

 

I firmly believe that if there was ever love there at all, it is still there. It is buried beneath tons of anger and resentment, so she doesn't even acknowledge that it's there anymore. But it is. The more she gets a "warm" feeling from her interactions with you, the more you may stir up that love & the more her anger and resentment may subside. It's possible, that at some point in your lives, she will come to love you again. Just be willing to accept that love in whatever way she gives it... If she loves you as a friend, then you have to be O.K. with that and just go on loving her for who she is, not who you want her to be.

 

You might, or might not ever be able to win her back. But I do think that if you follow this advice, you will be able to salvage any friendship that is there.

 

I am going through VERY similar circumstances, and so I feel your pain. Good luck! And I hope you find this a little helpful!

[Lester]

I honestly do believe, like you , that love is still there. Its just been suppressed by the hurt and pain. We have been talking regularly which I think is a good sign because most women I have seen who have made up their minds will not even speak to there husbands.

 

Also we go to our first counceling tonight. She refused to go at first but now has agreed. Whether she will be cooperative or not I dont know and whether she will agree to go back I dont know but it has to be a good sign that she is at least going the first time. Right?

[desperate]

It's a good sign that she is willing to go.

 

My wife refused to go at first as well. Then, when she finally agreed (after much begging on my part--shame on me) she just basically let me have it. She aired all of her grievances with me and said that she wanted everything to be over. She hasn't been to counselling with me since, and she later told me that she just wanted to say all of things in front of someone else so I couldn't later say she never said them.

 

I don't tell you this to frighten you, or to question her motives... Just to let you know that she is probably angry, and how you respond to this counselling session will affect whether or not she chooses to continue to go.

 

I became sad, pitiful me again after the counselling session, and I'm pretty sure that's why she didn't return. She already feels guilty for hurting me through this, and seeing me be sad & pitiful just makes her feel worse.

 

Prepare yourself for counselling...I assure you it will not be fun. But prepare yourself so that you can respond to it rather than re-act.

 

Good luck!

[desperate]

I am hoping your counselling session went better than mine did....

 

You've got a sympathetic ear if you'd like to talk about it...

[Lester]

Well we went last night. The first thing the councelor asked was on a scale of one to ten how much are we each committed to trying. I said ten and my wife said " honestly I'm not in a hurry to get a divorce but I dont think I'll ever move back in with him". We explained what happened in our marriage and the councelor or maybe I should say doctor as she is one, told me I needed to stay away from her and not be calling. That it would only drive my wife farther away. Then she said to my wife that she needed to work on getting her better. From then on I was basically left out. I guess because I was so willing. The doc told my wife that she was at a very critical place but this could be a blessing because sometimes this opens the eyes of both people and they can go on and have a wonderful marriage but she did point out to me that there are no guarantees and this will not be a fast process. It could take 6 or more months.

 

The doc does not want me to come back for awhile but she set up another appointment with my wife. After the session my wife said she liked the doc and would continue to keep seeing her. I can do nothing but keep my fingers crossed but it has been only one day and I'm already about to die from worry. I know I must leave her alone but how does one cope? I am a total wreck. I've lost 30 pounds in a month and a half and have a very hard time taking care of my business. Sometimes I have to simply walk off from my work.

[moimeme]

It is traumatic to have a person who supposedly loves you starts losing control and becoming verbally abusive. She needs to let the memories of that heal and you staying away will help that. An abusive person imposes his will on another. If you contact her when she asks you not to, you continue that behaviour. If you can show restraint here, you'll prove that you may be able to change.

[Lester]

I do understand that but it is so hard. She has a new sense of freedom. Since our son lives with me now she is gone somewhere every night and constantly lies to him about where she has been and he knows it. I am just so worried that she might meet or already have a man she's secretly seeing. I have mentioned it to her before and she would instantly fly hot and that kinda struck me as odd. I am also afraid that she is going to make her son hate her.

 

If I ever found out there was someone else or if she was to meet someone who she started seeing I would be completely and utterly destroyed. I take our marriage vows very serious and after all these years I have remained faithful