bbdad23 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I am new to this forum and I have come here for answers and advice. My wife and I have been together since Jan 1995. We got married in June of 2000. We have 2 boys, 7 and 13. I am 32 and she is 33. We have some problems with our marriage that are not uncommon but my wife reacts to them in a very destructive way. In 1998, we split for a while and she went wild. She went out almost everynight. She moved out of the house we were living in but I still took care of my son almost every night. I was the only security he had. This went on for almost 7 or 8 months until she was driving home one night and got a DUI. Soon after that she stopped drinking and we married in 2000. In, 2004, we encountered some problems and she started hanging out with some younger single people from work. She started going out for drinks after work and the next thing I know she was having an affair. I confronted her about her affair and she told me she wanted out of the marriage. She then starting going out more, at least 3 times per week. This went on for 6-7 months until she called me at 1:00 am and told me her car would not move. I loaded up the kids and drove to the bar to find that her car was wrecked. I noticed a pole in the parking lot that she had hit. She was able to get the car into the street before the wheel finally broke. Soon after that she stopped drinking and partying. SHe broke down and told me she was sorry and that was the worse time in her life and she would never do it again. About 2 months ago, I caught her flirting with a guy online. She even gave him her phone number. I confronted her about it and the next day she told me she didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. She has been drinking again and paryting every weekend. She even goes out on weeknights. Sometimes she will get home at 4:00 am. I have been going to a marriage counselor by myself and she told me that my wife might be an alcoholic and I need to confront her about it. I told my wife that I was concerned about her drinking problem and I am not keeping it a secret anymore. I then told her mom, brother, and dad. She found out and told me that she is done with the marriage and is filing for divorce. I told her that she needs to get help because I want my kids to have a mother. Even if she is acting like a horrible mother. She is telling her family that I am lying about everything and I think they believe her. She is very pissed at me right now and I do not know what the future holds for me and my boys. My wife did not drink hardly at all when the marriage was good but she drinks alot when we have problems. I don't think I have any support from her family becuase they are ver enabling. I told them they can turn a blind eye and deny it and hopefully nothing happens to her or they can try to get her some help. I attended my first AL-ANON meeting on Saturday so I hope I can learn something at that. Please, I am open for advice or suggestions. She said she filed for divorce on Monday but have not received any papers yet. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 BBDAD, It certainly sounds like your wife has more than one problem. Booze is one problem, only one. Another is committment. Your wife's "young friends" and her frequent party times is another. I'd be willing to bet that your wife is saying that she "married to young" and didn't have time to sow her wild oats. Believe me, that's what her "young friends" are telling her. The good news is that you are young enough to recover from this debacle. I seriously doubt your wife is interested in the marriage any longer. She's wrapped up in good times, parties, and "boys". Your biggest problem now is the children. She may not want to be burdened with them, she may just want to walk away. Are you prepared to become a single dad? That may be the task she has in mind for you. Don't put up with her nonsense. She's proven that she can "clean up" for a time if she wants to. In fact her "cleaning up" has become a recurring cycle. It needs to end. Don't expect any support from her family. Blood is thick. Even when faced with irrefutable evidence (DUI, pictures of the wrecked auto) they will most likely put the blame on your shoulders. That's the way things are. Be pro-active. You don't have many cards to play. The woman in todays society has all the advantages. Legally and financially. The courts will bend over backward to accomodate her. You will have to have solid evidence to buttress your claims, even then it may not matter. Usually the females get the benifit of any doubt in divorce / child custody in situations. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Unfortunately, it is very unlikely that it will ever stop... the divorce is probably your best option even if you get screwed by legal system. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 wait till the next time she's drunk and video tape it,stop doing things 4 her.picking her up when drunk,etc.plus if she's unwilling to go to aa,scrap her. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Consequences create change. Do not enable her behavior. Take steps to insulate yourself from her drinking. You can't save someone that does not want to be saved. It's unfortunate because you have children and they need their mother, but nothing you do or say can create change for her. Take charge of your life, that's your only option. Link to post Share on other sites
lostsunsets Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 It will be entirely different when you go. She will see (when she is sober) that she loves you. Maybe not. Its a toss up. Divorce her. Or at least file for divorce it may wake her up. I think she will be shocked. Maybe enough to turn her around. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Yeah filing for divorce would be your best option at this point, swallow your pride, tame your ego and just do what needs to be done. pack up all her things in boxes. seperate joint accounts credit cards, whatever. and see a lawyer ASAP. In her state of mind she wouldnt be a good wife anyway's. just love her from a distance, sometimes people are their own worst enemy. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 She isn't good for you or the kids. I can tell you still love her and want things to work out, but why? She isn't setting a good example for your kids and you seem like a great dad. She isn't being a good mother to them...I would start preparing for the divorce. Get things situated so she doesn't get full custody of the kids, they will need you. Link to post Share on other sites
suzanne2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 This woman is toxic. You need to get as far away from her as humanly possible. It seems like every few years she get a wild hair up her butt and she falls off the deep end. Is that the influence that you want around your children? She is wildly unstable and needs to hit rock bottom before she will ever realize how destructive her behavioir is. She cannot hit rock bottom while you are bailing her out. Let her go...consequenses are what life uses to teach us lessons. She has a few really hard ones to learn Link to post Share on other sites
Author bbdad23 Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 Thank you all for your advice. I visited with an attorney on Wednesday and now I haev to sit down with my wife and discuss selling the house and moving the kids out of their school district. We live in an area where there are no apartments so I hope my wife is happy what she has done to her kids. Honestly she is so consumed with herself that she probably does not give a crap. Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 bbdad23 you did the best you could considering the circumstances. You cannot change her, that has to come from within her. Just concentrate on being the best father and role model to your sons and they will reap the benefits as they come off age. They will be forever grateful, and in hindsight when the time comes, you will be proud that you did the best you could to try and salvage your marriage and will have no regrets for having being there for your sons from their time as boys to the men they will become. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bbdad23 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 Thanks for all your responses. Just a little more history. After BS she pulled 4 years ago, we did not see a marraige counselor but obviously we should have. We tried to reconcile our marriage by ourselves and honestly I never let her affair go and it drove me to depression. The depression was pretty bad the last year. She had the nerve the other night to blame her actions on my depression. She even said, " you have not been yourself, you gained weight and you did not make an attempt to make yourself attractive to me." What a bitch, she was the reason I was depressed in the first place. I did not go cheating on her when she weighed 40 lbs more than she does now. With all that being said, does anybody know how to write a good GO TO HELL letter? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 With all that being said, does anybody know how to write a good GO TO HELL letter? I'd let your attorney write it: Petition for Divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Also while your at it, see if you can bring the emails and writings as letter's as proof of her adultery I bet that would shut her yap! lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Kic Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Don't write the hate letter. The letter will vindicate her. You are angry; this will pass. Just do what you need to do. Go through with the divorce. If she changes after hitting rock bottom, you can always take her back for the kid's sake (but you don't have to remarry her). Link to post Share on other sites
Author bbdad23 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 Got petition for divorce today from my wife. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Do you want custody of the kids? Sounds like this is a situation which calls for it, and in which you stand a decent chance of success. There's a list ("The List") on another site for this situation: http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?t=13374 Link to post Share on other sites
LovieDove24 Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 Wow let me start off by saying that I am so proud of you for getting yourself into Al-Anon. Ask any person on this forum, I have a lot of personal experience with alcoholism in my family so I understand what you are going through. It is so difficult especially since all of the "little" problems are surrounding the one big problem which is drinking. I can tell you from experience your wife will blame everyone and everything else but herself or her drinking. It is far far too difficult for her to face the truth. The major framework surrounding alcoholism is DENIAL. Without it, the disease cannot survive. And her family is of course believing her lies because my bet is some of them have drinking problems too--you'll soon learn it is a family disease. And if her direct parents aren't alcoholics, then maybe her grandparents or brothers and sisters. My point is that if the family addresses her issue then they'll also have to address theirs as well. And thats a price they just simply don't want to pay. Its far easier to point a finger at you than dig deep in their souls and pull out all the muck--so don't feel bad about it. Instead, have sympathy for them that they're stuck in the past and in an unhealthy way of life. Anyways, as for the divorce, I know this must be extremely hard for you. Being in your position myself (enabling my drunken father my whole life) I understand how it feels to play the role of caregiver. You want so badly to aide your wife in helping her get through this crap but ITS ALL HERS. Al-Anon will teach you the beauty of letting go of control. I do hope you keep attending those meetings its a godsend. And there is also something called Al-Ateen. I know you said one of your children is a teenager, that may also be useful. As a child growing up in an alcoholic home, I know I didn't want to face these things as a teenager, but I am dealing with it now. If your son can take a step sooner than I did I believe every minute of his life reclaimed is another minutes of victory. And btw, I've been in the program for a year now and I've never felt healthier emotionally or mentally in my life. Hope it helps! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bbdad23 Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 I retained my lawyer yesterday so I guess I am ready to go!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 good luck to you... it isnt your entire fault mayn. Link to post Share on other sites
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