Marriage to depressed man is a trap, have not had real sex in 3 years, maybe a fling?

[ArdeaCandidissima]

I've been married for 14 years, and we have two children. Our marriage and sex life have not been fully satisfying, but I needed the security and I cannot hurt my kids by ripping their parents apart. The marriage wasn't great, but the good moments came every now and then and it was enough for me to keep going on. I've had a satisfying and challenging career in technology, and am working on developing a business idea that will help me fulfill my dream of being a successful entrepreneur. I am 40 and my husband is 42.

 

About three years ago, around the time our second daughter was born, my husband, who had always been gloomy, became truly depressed. On the clinical scale, his was a moderate depression. His symptoms included emotional withdrawal, insomnia, screaming nightmares (sometimes several times a night, and not always easy to soothe him back to sleep), lethargy, apathy, weight gain, excessive sleeping, negative thoughts and attitudes, self-defeating behaviors, increased use of alcohol, loss of libido, and effective impotence. One of the most characteristic behaviors is that after dinner is finished, he will remain seated at the table, huddled over with his head bowed, motionless and silent, staring at the tablecloth. He won't respond to my small talk or my questions. Sometimes his lips move as if in an angry mutter, but I can't hear the words. He'll sit like that for an hour. I clean up from dinner, read to the kids, give them baths and put them to bed. He'll get up to fix himself a drink. Overall, he acts as if he is just crushed and unable to talk, particularly about issues that we need to work on.

 

He continues to hold down a job and provide money to the family.

 

The effects on our family of his illness have been numerous. The younger child (3 yrs) is not close to her father, perhaps since she's never seen him display much warmth or personality. The older child (10 yrs) is perhaps less affected, because she has a pre-existing bond that she has been able to maintain (she is a highly intelligent and sensitive to others' feelings), but I know she is not happy with the rancor between her father and me. And I feel I have borne the brunt of his illness: I have lost companionship, sex, intimacy, fun, and the fairly satisfying life we used to have. I do the large majority of housework, household repairs, child care, financial management, landscaping and gardening. I also provide most of the emotional support and guidance for our children. I feel angry and cheated about what I have lost.

 

We have not had satisfying intercourse in three years. He has trouble getting and maintaining an erection, and has minimal interest anyway. I'd like sex three or four times a week, but I am so tired of begging and especially of going through the passionless and unsatisfying efforts to have "sex" with an apathetic man who can't get aroused. He will sometimes give me an orgasm through oral sex if I ask persistently.

 

My feelings for him are just about gone. I used to love, respect and esteem him. Now I feel primarily anger, pity and just the shreds of affection for what he used to be.

 

My husband is suffering a lot - I know that. He has the anguish of his illness, and he is also very afraid of losing me. He knows at some level how unhappy I am, although he cannot bear to hear me actually even say "I am unhappy". To his ears, those words sound like a vicious threat to abandon him and he retaliates most cruelly with accusations and insults. He tells me he loves me, but I tell you that the love of a depressed man is not much worth having.

 

I have made repair attempts, but I am just way over my head. Early in 2003, after years of coaxing, I got him to see a psychiatrist. He needed constant coaching to keep every appointment and to take the prescribed medication. Within a month or two, the medication had an effect - he stopped screaming at night and stopped the tablecloth staring after dinner. We have been getting joint marriage counselling based on the principles of John Gottman (evidence based marital therapies). On one hand, I am happy that his very worst symptoms have abated. On the other hand, I'm looking at the rate of progression - 5-10% better after eight months of medication and counselling. This extrapolates to several more years of treatment before he's halfway recovered and we can begin putting our marriage back together. I was hoping and praying for pills to be a panacea and a cure-all, but now I see they only can take a problem so far.

 

I am frightened when I think of several more years, or worst case the rest of my life, trapped in a loveless, sexless marriage. My losses are numerous, but I find myself focussing on my sexual starvation as a symptom which might be possible to alleviate. Till now, I have always been faithful with my body (fantasizing heavily all the while). For the past month, I've been emailing men on the Internet and have met a few in person, for talking, kissing and heavy petting (no farther yet). It fascinates me how easily I can find so many attractive and eager men who are willing to satisfy me. I understand these are cheap affairs, with a fairly skanky set of fellow actors, and in truth it's not the sort of thing I would ever have imagined I would consider even five years ago. For me to realize that I'd be willing to have some superficially attractive Internet guy shag me senseless in a cheap motel tells me that things have gotten really bad.

 

I can hear the advice already - that a fling will not solve anything, and in fact, may make some things worse, even if I am very careful. I know that, but I do feel I must do something, and the Lord knows I have tried just about everything else. Perhaps you kind people can help me see more clearly. Thanks!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Has your husband sought professional help yet? It wasn't clear in your post. Have you also been or considered seeing a therapist to help you deal and/or cope with how you and your family might also be affected?

 

I'm sure no professional would ever recommend a "fling." While you may get temporary sexual satisfaction, it will certainly not attribute to helping your situation at all (as you already know). In fact, it may very well cause the break-up you are trying so hard to avoid. If this should happen, the blame would be your own.

 

If you are staying in your marriage for the sake of the children, then stay committed to that marriage. If you are trying to escape, then make sure its for the right reasons and don't just do it half way. Having an affair would only cause even more pain for everyone involved, and add another human casualty along the way. It's just not fair to drag anyone else into this mess unless it is a qualified professional who can help you come to a healthier resolve.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Thanks, EnigmaXOXO, for your response. To clarify, he is taking medication and we are attending joint counselling sessions every week or two. And yeah, after reading Loveshack for the last two days I realize that the reality of cheap affairs is even worse than one might imagine.

 

Anyone have any experience with depression and how to live with a sufferer?

 

And not to whine, but is it possible I could get any more advice, help or sympathy? I guess my problem is not eye-catching, but believe me, this one is big and real, and there are 4 human beings whose wellbeing is at stake.

[Clancy]

Your situation is very sad. The depression your husband faces sounds positively terrifying and the devastating effect it's had on you and your family are clear. I don't think you can be blamed for seeking sexual comanionship and affection outside the marriage. Whether it's morally right is another matter. Don't marriage vows say that you'll "forsake all others" and "in sickness and in health?"

 

If your husband had had an accident that left him paralyzed, unable to move or perhaps speak would you consider leaving him. I suppose that's possible. But perhaps the depression and its effects are even worse than that scenario and harder for a still young wife to deal with.

 

What advice can I give that you haven't already heard. None really I think. You'll likely continue to meet men and begin to have sex with them and eventually have longer term affairs. As you've already described that's a cheap and tawdry lifestyle and in the end you'll probably leave your husband. It may be better to start making plans to do that now.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I know you are seeking feedback from others as well, so I will make this my last reply than step aside. But there are a few things I’d like to point out given the little bit of information I was able to gather from your post.

 

First, you indicated that your husband was taking medication for his depression. You also indicated that he drinks alcohol as well. The combination of anti-depressants and alcohol could be the reason why you are not seeing the results you hoped for. I am hoping your therapist is already aware the situation since it is imperative that they be provided with all the information in order to administer proper analysis and treatment.

 

Second, part of your therapy should include one-on-one sessions with you, the spouse, to address the many concerns you have stated above. They should be providing you with support and offering you and your family methods of coping with your situation until if/when it meets resolve. Just as Alcoholic’s Anonymous offers Alanon for the family members living with alcoholism, it is a crucial part of treatment. If you’re not getting individual time with your councilor…request it. If he/she doesn’t provide it…find another councilor (for yourself) who does.

 

Third, I have been where you are now. And let me stress to you that situations like these have nothing to do with “morality.” When people feel helpless and become desperate, we seek fantasy escapes, if only in our minds. Would it surprise you to learn that many family members living with chemical addictions, abuse and metal illnesses even imagine the death of their loved one? While many feel guilty about having such thoughts, and rarely admit it until entering therapy, professionals will point out that this is quite common. We are struggling to find any escape that will grant us immediate resolve and bring the crisis to closure.

 

True, it is understandable that you would feel compelled to escape, to find some relief elsewhere. But it would be only temporary, for you would have to come home eventually and deal with the reality of your situation. You can’t run from it. And while you may find a few hours of respite elsewhere, what about your children? Don’t they also deserve to escape? Do you leave them home to deal with daddy alone while you find some relief in someone else’s arms? Do you bring them along? Or do you leave them in someone else’s care, when who they really need at this most critical time is love and support emotionally healthy parent?

 

Please talk with your councilor. And if you aren’t finding the answers and help you need, than consider whether its worth it to keep trying or to remove everyone from the situation for a while…your children included.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Thanks again, EnigmaXOXO and also Clancy. Just hearing both of you acknowledge that I am suffering is great. I realize this is something I have been trying to get my depressed husband to acknowledge, and it's just too much for him to hear.

 

Clancy...I am not positive that I am helpless on this slippery slope as you imply. I guess I do have some inhibitions/morals/fears that are keeping me from rapidly leaping to my great fling "solution".

 

The children....I do not think they are suffering anywhere near the way I and their father are. After all, they do have one fully functional parent....me. I am patient and loving with them, although, come to think of it, I could be giving them more if I had someone backing me up and supporting me.

 

EnigmaXOXO, your second posting was tremendously helpful. Please don't step aside. Amazing how much it helps to have the obvious pointed out to me, like separate counselling for me...but since you have some history with this kind of pain, perhaps you know that clear, rational, balanced thinking sometimes departs when your life is crumbling.

 

About death wishes aimed at the partner...they do not surprise me in the least, since this is a fantasy running through my head already. Of course, part of me hopes it never comes true...but I am amazed at how small and weak that part is. If my children were threatened, I would fight to the death for them without really thinking twice, yet to my shame I have often imagined my husband somehow...."gone", preferably without pain on anyone's part.

[Amyandjs]

My heart goes out to you. Whatever you do, do it as a couple. I have not been in your shoes so I won't judge you but you have been carrying this relationship for both of you emotionally for a long time.

 

I had a different reaction when I first read the title, but then reading through the post, I can see myself in your shoes. I can't say what I would do, only that you are in a difficult spot. I do applaud you hanging in there for your husband's sake (he probably would spiral downward to the bottom if you leave) and for your kids.

 

Hugs.

 

Amy.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Amyandjs, I thank you sincerely for your sympathy. I'm glad my elaborate justifications made sense to somebody. They do feel like justifications - of course I know infidelity is wrong. That certainly is what my copy of the moral code says. Unlike most prospective cheaters, I'm not overwhelmed by attraction to any one particular person. I'm seeing extramarital sex as a way to get some satisfaction and intimacy and fun somewhere. There has been no enjoyment of any sort in my marriage for oh, so long.

 

And now that I am delving into this sexual netherworld, I can see its attractions become very powerful for their own sake. Emailing men, talking on the phone, talking about sex, etc. gives me a thrill that is becoming harder to do without.

 

Irony of the day: I'm getting so turned on by all my messing around that I actually was aggressive enough to arouse my husband for some (unsatisfying) sex.

[jenny]

ArdeaCandidissima,

my heart goes out to you - it is very hard for me to imagine being in a relationship without a satisfying, if not thrilling, sexual life. is leaving him *at all* an option? you are still young, and you are under no obligation to be his saviour if he is not willing to accept help and continues to use alcohol, etc.

hugs and support, j

[moimeme]

Here you go!

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Leaving him IS an option, of course. Leaving him wouldn't necessarily make me feel better - but it would be great to get back out there and start having fun looking for a man that I can be happy with. The downside is the disruption and uncertainty, the pain to our kids, and the erosion of our financial assets. Oh, and the guilt of hurting him.

 

Thanks for your sympathy. Yes, not having good sex is hell. And I was never a sex fiend. Just need/want it a few times a week. But now I have become absolutely ravenous, and it ain't pretty.

[moimeme]

Have you and your husband spoken to the docs about the fact that the drugs haven't done much as well as the alcohol issue? Often it takes a lot of tweaking of drug doses and combinations before results are satisfactory.

 

Next, I can see wanting fun company; can you not find some gal pals with whom to have fun? Lastly, what about masturbation?????? I know it's not the same as having sex with a fellow, but it does the job. Orgasms release the tension and if you have 'em yourself, you don't have to worry about hooking up with a nut job, someone with a disease, or any of the other hazards we all know about.

 

Are you sure you're not secretly hoping to meet some knight in shining armour to sweep you away from your troubles? There are just so many other options to meeting strangers for skanky grope sessions!

[tphillip]

Depression is never easy on anyone. Some even argue that it's ahrder on the friends and loved ones. I always remember the quote "Who takes care of the caregiver" when I read about these situations.

 

I was in a one year relationship with a person who is afflicted with bipolar disorder so I can relate a bit to what you're going through. Here's what I found that helped me:

 

1) Support groups. Find a support group in your area, and if you both can't attend you should at least go. Listening to others who are experiencing and dealing with situations similar to yours can help.

 

2) Counseling. You say that you both are going to counselling. I recommend that you both have your own sessions as well. That way each of you have a therapist focusing specifically on each of your problems seperately as well as together.

 

3) Get your time away. Arrange some time so that you and your kids (As well as just you) get out of the house. You can't help your husband if he doesn't want to go, but YOU need the time. If not to just get away, but to try and enjoy life for a little time. And the time the kids get away from the situation will help too.

 

4) Get others involved. And I don't mean just therapists. His friends and relatives too. They don't have to counsel him per se. But they need to show support and get him motivated to do things. Even if it's jst to sit down and chat, or stay home and pay board games. Activity for a depressed person is paramount.

 

5) NO MORE ALCOHOL! PERIOD! I can't stress that enough. If he wants to get out of his depression, then any form of alcohol has to go. I can guarantee that it's messing with the effectiveness of the medication and making his condition worse. If he won't stop the alcohol, then you have to seriously consider getting you and your kids out of the marraige because it will NOT get better EVER.

 

It's a lot of work to deal with someone who's afflicted with depression (Or any mental disorder for that matter). Getting the right medication at the right dosage can take YEARS. And all of the drugs that are used to treat depression have various side effects with the loss of libido being the largest and most frequent one. Sometimes the side effects can be worse than the illness itself and cause the person taking teh drugs to stop taking them.

 

The toughest part of all is that if they don't want to change and try to take the steps necessary to cope with their illness they will never change. At that point the only thing to do is leave. You can't change him, and if he won't work to try and change himself you have to think about your own health and the health of you children.

 

If he's going to continue to drink and not put any effort in trying to deal with his illness, then IMO you must leave for your own health and the health of your children.

 

Sometimes that's all you can do.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Thanks for the further advice, and I'll respond:

 

1) Yes, I have gal pals, and I need to make more opportunities to do things with them. They tend to be pretty busy, and I am afraid I have let some relationships slide.

 

2) Masturbation....Yes. It's how I have stuck it out this long. I guess my sexual needs aren't 100% orgasm-focussed - they include closeness, touching, and whole body intimacy which I still haven't figured out how to give to myself. (Although I was reading and trying some great stuff on "Tantric masturbation" the other day - it's all about taking the time to love and stroke yourself and not rushing to orgasm.)

 

3) Alcohol. Yes, When he gets back from his trip tomorrow, I will ask that we both go on the wagon, for our marriage's sake. Not sure how he will take it.

 

4) Counselling for me (solo). Got my first appt set up for Monday.

 

5) His friends and relatives...he doesn't have a lot of close support in this area. Many of his best friends are women from his psychiatric support group. I'll ask him how he feels about getting people explicitly involved.

 

6) Found a great book at the library, "How to Survive When THEY Are Depressed". Talks about depression fallout, which is what happens to a spouse, parent or child when they spend years with an irritable, affectless, listless, grim and sleepy person.

 

7) Doctors. He really needs a new doctor - the one he has is not doing the job - but I will have to intervene more aggressively to get him to change.

 

8) Still talking/emailing with my prospective sex partners, I'm afraid. Yeah.

[tphillip]

With the exception of #8, they all sound like steps in the right direction. None of it will be easy, but it all will hopefully lead to a better ending in the long run.

 

As for your last suggestion...Look at it this way, if the roles were reveresed would you condone him going out of the marriage and having an affair?

 

If you're willing to have an affair, IMO you shouldn't waste your husband's time with the all the other stuff. When he finds out (And they always find out) I guarantee you any progress you've made will be lost for good.

[striving]

Hello ArdeaCandidissima,

 

I'm a male that has a problem with depression also. Probably not as bad as your husband by the sound of it but still bad enough at times. I'm not married yet, but considering it, which is very scarey because I am aware of the possible implications that it has for a wife and family. I grew up in a family with profound mental health problems. My father was an alcoholic when I was a chil, and has had two major depressive episodes in the past 8 years. One took him out of work for a year, the other thankfully only lasted about 2 months. My sister has schizophrenia and a borderline personality disorder that started when I was eight (am 29 now) and still continues to this day. I don't know what it's like foryou in your situation, but my exprience of growing up and surviving in a dysfunctional family really took it's toll. I'm also a registered nurse and have some medical understanding of mental illness, in particular depression and anxiety which is my main problem. I would like just to post some thought for you.

 

Firstly, consider strongly how much you have attempted to help your husband out of his depression. I don't doubt that you are doing your best in the situation, but my question is, how much have you educated yourself on the disorder, and tried to implement strategies to alleviate the depression. On his own, he will probably have severe struggles battling this and really needs your support if you are committed to the relationship. I would suggest reading as much material as you can, firstly on the medical basis and treatment for depression and secondly on counselling and thearapy for depression. How much do you love this man? How much are you willing to put in to get him out of the ditch? You can make a solid difference if you educate yourself on this disorder and consistently steer him in the path he needs to follow to get out of it.

 

Secondly, once you educate yourself about depression, make a solid plan and work together to stick to it. For example, I agree with the other posts about alcohol. For a depressed person, there is almost a zero tolerance for alcohol and especially if he is on medication he will need to stop drinking, or moderate it to a max of one drink per day. Consider reducing or eliminating other stimulants like caffiene and sugars also. Consider regular exercise as part of your program with him. There is much research that shows regular exercise is the number one treatment for chronic depression.

 

To start with I would suggest reading a website like http://www.teachhealth.com . This is a great website that present clearly in an easy to understand manner how the medical basis for depression, and some of the treatments of it. Get your hands on any books and resources that you can on depression and try and implement these tactics in your husbands life. This may sound like a lot to ask, but if you want your husband back I believe this will be the best thing you can do. Also, keep his counselling regular and if you think your doctor is no good, then get another. And seriously, don't trust your normal "general practioner" to help your husband battle his deprssion. GP's are great for basic in most things, but they don't know great details about specific medical problems. I strongly suggest that you start seeing a psychiatrist for treatment rather than a normal doctor. By seeing a pscychiatrist, this doesn't mean that your husband is crazy, but what it does mean is that you will be getting the best and the most expereinced medical pressional for his problem that you can.

 

I also strongly believe that medication and counselling alone will only scratch the surface on healing many depressions. My experience is that it is a 'lifestyle change' that really makes the difference long term. I've had depression for nearly four years now, two years of which I spent on medication. I know that to maintain my health, I need to 1) avoid alcohol, caffiene and other stimulants, 2) stay away from sedatives, 3) keep my life on a regular timetable 4) reduce the number of hours I work, 5) reduce the stressload I put on myself, 6) keep close note of my mood and feelings, 7) take time out when I am stressed. 8) talk about my problems with someone, whether it's a counsellor or a friend who is keen to listen. In your case, your husband may actual open up to talking with you more also if you can develop the skills to understand his troubles and be able to help him walk through what need to happen to make him well. If you are really serious about the relationship, would you even consider dong a course as a mental health worker and train yourself up in helping people wth depression? You never know, helping him through this illness may be the thing that brings you closer together in the end.?

 

Here is some other websites to have a read of if you havn't already:

 

http://www.teachhealth.com/

http://www.depressiontips.com.au/tips.asp

http://www.mindpub.com/topic22.htm

 

Books:

 

-Undoing Depression by Richard O'Connor

-The Feeling Good Handbook, by David D. Burns.

-Overcoming Depression by Demitri and Janice Papolos

-Depression and Its Treatment by John Greist

-Self-Coaching: How to Heal Anxiety and Depression, by Dr. Luciani

 

Hope this helps a little. I would really like to encourage you to try and get beside your husband in helping him through his depression. If you can help get him through it, you will both be coming to a better place.

 

I pray you go well,

 

Striving

[striving]

Hi again,

 

Found a few other books which look really great to. There is lots on http://www.amazon.com. Go to: Books > Subjects > Health, Mind & Body > Mental Health > Depression

 

Other Books:

-I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT: OVERCOMING THE SECRET LEGACY OF MALE DEPRESSION, by Terrence Real

-Depression Fallout : The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond

by Anne Sheffield

-What to Do When Someone You Love Is Depressed by Mitch Golant, Susan K. Golant

-When Someone You Love Is Depressed: How to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself

by Laura Epstein Rosen

 

There are many more also. Hope this helps a little.!

 

striving

[Marriedman42]

Your marriage sounds exactly like mine. My wife needs serious help but refuses to seek any professional advice or medication.

 

Like you, sex is rare around here. The last time was nearly 10 months agao and I felt as if I was begging.

 

I stay only because of my three children. I feel like I have to protect them from her rages.

 

Oh well, I don't want to bore you.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Thanks, striving. You've laid out a very clear plan for living our life, and it's probably better than the alternatives. I retain the right to grieve for the husband I've lost and all the pain that this marriage has brought me...and yes, I'm flipping angry about it. That may be another big barrier we face.

 

I do like your idea about getting beside him. (And I want to say I'm sorry if my posts are at all painful to you. You've been remarkably generous in your very helpful advice even though you know the creepy stuff inside my head.)

 

I was talking to a friend the other day, and he mentioned his uncle, who was diagnosed with MS two months after getting married. The uncle is housebound and the aunt stays at home with him. Their life is in between four walls, with very few visitors. Mrs. Christopher Reeve married a fit and active man and now is dealing with her husband's paralysis and emotional fallout thereof. These women don't have sex lives and don't have the marriage they asked for. Still, they may get a kind word or friendly, cheerful gesture every now and then, which I don't.

 

MarriedMan42, I prefer to talk within the forum. Why don't you start a thread on "My spouse is depressed"? I'll participate and I'm sure several others will as well.

[jenny]

how about lady chatterly-ing it? if it is ok with your husband, there is nothing unethical about a fling. is this a possibility?

[misslisbon]

I can't imagine how you've coped for so long in this situation. I admire your commitment to your children and willingness to make unrelenting efforts in a situation that is very serious. Most immediately, I think keeping a journal of your feelings might help you to pinpoint whether the thought of leaving or staying is more painful to you personally. You can keep one online (try diaryland) if you're afraid of someone finding it. Try to isolate your own feelings if you can from what your children's feelings would be were you to leave. Also try to identify other stressors that are outside of their marriage which could unknowingly be having an effect. As for the internet/meetups/etc., I know it sounds cheesy and unfulfilling, but sometimes having hair washed at a salon, a manicure pedicure and massage can be very sensual experiences without any inherent risks (except maybe financial!) Hot yoga (done in warm room) and meditation are also very good for one's well being and have the ability to "bring you outside of yourself" in a way that is not actually sexual, but has the same immediacy and "out of body" sensation that one can get from really amazing sex.

 

In my experience, children whose parents are happy and fulfilled in their own right are better parents than those who preoccupied and staying in a relationship out of martyrdom. Even if they are single. Ultimately, as adults, your children will likely regret the loss but at the same time feel proud of you for being a strong, independent woman who provided for her own (and children's) needs. But of course change is hard, and scary, and won't affect just you in this case.

 

After discussing being "on the wagon" perhaps you could set some goals for behavior you'd like to see in next weeks, months. If the positive behaviors (to be fair, should be both of yours) don't improve, then maybe in future, after you've planned it out and become more comfortable, maybe a trial separation is the way to go. That would allow you to see if bearing the burden of his depression is more painful than being on your own and (further) upsetting your children (in short term)

 

Sending you much hope and support...

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Some good stuff here I can really use - hot yoga, manicures, meditation. The husband-approved lover is also intriguing - but how can I bring this up casually? Is there even 1 chance in 100 that my husband would go along with this? Married men, please feel free to comment.

 

If he says yes, I have several lovely partners all lined up!

[blockndig]

I think you are a great woman and a great wife, and if my wife ends up being half as wonderful as you have been to your husband, then I will be in good shape.

 

I just wanted to say that I may be young, and unmarried, but I as a man would hope for my wife if I were to become utterly depressed beyond control, or was an accident and become unable to satisfy her, mentally, emotionally and physically, I'd hope she would find satisfaction in her life.

 

I know from reading all the other posts that they frown upon sex with others outside your marraige, but I for one would want my wife to be happy. I also think that it is a case by case thing, some people are designed differently than others, and he may be unable to understand your emotions. I for one wouldn't talk to him about it. If you feel that you can be intimate with a person and continue to care for your children in the same manor that you have been, then I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

Its been a couple months since the last post you made, I would love to find out how your husband is doing with medication? How are you doing with your individual therapy? I'm trying to explore the marriage posts since I want to marry and satisfy my wife on all levels.

 

Good luck!

[roy2004]

hi,

i have been reading about your situation and i can't begin to say i know how you feel because only you can know that, but i just want to tell you that you are a special person that just need some attention and affection. i know about that because of my mariage, my wife does not give out affection to me as well and it's hard when you are use to giving and receiving love. i can't give you any advise because i don't have any for myself and i find myself wanting to have an affair myself, but haven't done it yet. what ever you do be good to yourself and your kids and if you decide to stay married, do it with your whole heart and don't look back. hope to hear good things from you in the future.

roy2004

[Ladyjane14]

Who is managing his depression now? His psychiatrist, or his PCP? If it's his PCP, you need more help than he/she can give you. At the point where he's staring for an hour at the tablecloth, you're looking at in-patient treatment, at least while his meds are adjusted and his treatment is being planned. I'm glad he's past that now, but I don't think he will continue to do well while he's drinking on his meds.

 

Lord bless you for hanging in this long. It's so hard to deal with a problem like yours without packing it in and leaving. But you know, you have to make sure that you are getting support too. I'm glad you have planned to take care of that.

 

Sometimes, it really does come to ultimatums. A person who is depressed and can't/won't work out there own problems leaves it to their s/o. So who are they, at that point, to bitch about how you solve them. It's so hard to kick a person in the pants when you can see very clearly that they are already down, but he needs to UNDERSTAND that there are ultimatums in the air. Make him go back to the psychiatrist. Because if he doesn't, you'll only be able to hold on for so long despite your best intentions.

 

At best you could be looking at a really nasty mid-life crisis with all the trimmings, at worst you could be looking at a situation in which your husband could become mentally or physically disabled. Make sure you're getting the best possible help.

 

P.S. You're in a fight for someone else's life here. Don't forget to check your own committment to the cause. Don't jerk him around if you really aren't committed to him. Better to turn him over to family members who have his best interest at heart if you are just spent, and can't go any further.

 

Good luck and God Bless