Marriage to depressed man is a trap, have not had real sex in 3 years, maybe a fling?

[Ladyjane14]

One more thing.........

 

If you come back to this board before your appointment with the counselor, consider going ahead and printing off your thread to take it with you. It will give him/her some written incite into what's going on with you.

 

There's no point in going if you're not going to put it ALL on the table.

 

[MassiveAtom]

MY heart is breaking just reading what you're dealing with, AC. I can't imagine a situation in which I'd feel more stuck. If I understand you correctly, you must feel a great deal of momentum, pressure, and justification to have these affairs. They must feel absolutely wonderful when you're in the moment. And that let down has to be at the very least unsettling, or at most, crushing. I've lived some emotional roller coasters before, but you must be feeling such a broad range of conflicting emotions that, just to endure them with enough sanity to post here, you must be an incredibly strong person. You are simply amazing to me.

 

I don't condone or condemn the affairs. Hell I did the same thing when I lost my wife to her own love affair with motherhood. She can be a little depressive at times but there is no comparison. You deserve to have a fulfilling relationship with a person who is fully capable of providing for your needs. Anything less is self-sacrifice. And sacrificing yourself for a failing cause is NOT a noble act.

 

In that situation, where saying "I'm unhappy" launches abusive behavior, I would imagine that talking to your husband about having an approved affair would send him into an inexorable downward spiral. As it often does, depression accompanies low self-esteem. see http://www.coping.org. I figure the unfortunate guy is in simply no condition to deal with the intense emotions that would come with such a request.

He would implode.

 

I have only begun to be able to tell my wife that if she wants to have an affair and she's convinced that it's what she needs to be happy, then I want her to have an affair, and we'll deal with the fallout. It's her call.

 

The way I see it, the consequences of talking with your husband about an affair are too negative for that course to warrant an attempt. It would probably destroy his fragile ego. And those consequences could become violent. You are so strong so far, walk through the fire just a little further.

 

Your needs must be met, Find a way to forgive yourself for what you're doing, and understand that you are doing this for your own self preservation. There is nothing wrong with that. Your compassion toward your husband has been superhuman, reflect a little back toward yourself.

 

The bottom line, If your ability to support your husband is improved by your sexual needs being met outside of the marriage, it warrants serious consideration. In your counselling sessions you might bring that up.

 

AC, you're in for a lot of growth. You're already amazing, but when you're through this, You'll be so close to invincible, you may even glow!

 

I'll keep you in mind, and in my heart. Hopefully others will too, and that focus might get you the strength you need to get through this.

 

Take care of yourself. You're right, this is a real, big, SAD problem.

 

 

mA

[sunnysd]

Although I sympathize with you remember "in sickness and in health" a fling would be the worst thing you could do no telling what he would do to you or himself if you were caught . The recovery has started and should speed with time.