My husband is critical and controlling!!!

[deven]

My husband and I have been married just over two years. I fell in love with him because of his understanding, compassion, generosity. We could talk for hours and I never felt judged. I could share my opinion and never feel criticized.

 

Since we have lived together and married though things are quite different. He has become critical, judgmental, bossy, controlling, selfish, insecure, and moody.

 

I have a four year old son from a previous relationship which my husband absolutely adores. But the relationship I have(what little there is of one)with my son's father has become an issue too. I can no longer have a simple conversation with my son's father about his health or school without my husband asking why he wasn't told about the conversation.

 

Though I don't have a problem sharing these things, I have become wary of telling him because of the way he reacts to them. I am walking on egg shells here. I have made so many compromises and have organized my life immensely since we merged our lives. But it just doesn't seem like enough.

 

He says things like "you're not changing", "I feel uncomfortable when you go out with your friends when I'm out of town","where would you be now if I wasn't here", and "what right did you have bringing a child into this world". There is just so much I can say in a post like this.

 

I am confused about my future, concerned about the mother I have become to my son, I am no longer happy with the person I am now. I am not the neatest person in the world, but I am not dirty. I own my own business and have a hard time making ends meet sometimes, but I make it work somehow.

 

But I now feel criticized about what I do with my money, how I clean, how I manage my time, how I discipline my son, how often we make love, what I'm going to make for dinner, did I put my things away, do I have money for the bills. It's a bit overwhelming. I feel isolated, alone, unappreciated, and controlled.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions, input or advice?

[GIZMO]

What does your hubby tell you when you try and talk to him about your feelings?

Have you talked about marriage councling?

[quankanne]

time to hold him down and bitch-slap some sense into him

 

(okay, end of faceticiousness here)

 

I feel for you, because from what you've described, I think he's trying his hardest to turn this into a heavily co-dependent relationship, and the quickest way to do that is to wear you down until you feel like crap and only he can make you feel good about yourself.

 

But don't fall for it -- instead, suggest to him that the two of you need to go to counseling to learn tools to better communicate with each other. If he puts his foot down, saying there's nothing wrong with him that he needs counselling, go alone. What you gain from counselling will help you to stand independently of him if he's indeed turning this into a co-dependent relationship.

 

Also, don't be afraid to call off the marriage if it remains unhealthy to you or your child. There's no law anywhere that says you must put up with this kind of thing when it's destroying you. For the sake of your child, you've got to look out for yourself. If that means leaving your husband so that you and your little one have a chance at life that's emotionally balanced, do it, because this kind of problem doesn't get "better" as time wears on, only worse.

 

Co-dependency issues aside, how is your husband's health? Is he clean (as in "no chemical or alcohol addictions")? If his behavior is out of character and even others notice, it could be health-related. Tumors in certain areas of the brain are known to cause someone to act out of character (I know far-out scenario, but still a valid one). Drug or alcohol abuse does the same thing.

 

Good luck,

quank

[LadyX]

I agree with your both getting counseling. He is emotionally abusing you, I hope he doesn't escalate into the next step, which is physical abuse.

[deven]

We have gone to counseling. And I have also gone by myself. I have tried to talked to him about the issues just like my therapist has suggested. I have to admit that it seems like every time I sit down and try to talk to him about these things I leave the conversation wishing I hadn't brought it up in the first place. And that goes for any subject I bring up. Every conversation ends up a discussion of what I am doing wrong or not doing at all. He never seems to take any responibilty. I come home to find him sleeping in the middle of the day. He never really does anything with any of his friends. It seems he waits around for me (which he has said he does) and expects me to make all the decisions in what we do. But then never wants to do anything I suggest. He does smoke pot (I do not) and though I do think it effects everyone different I do know from experience that it makes people moody and unpredictable. I don't think there has been a man I have dated that didn't smoke. Too many people smoke and that stinks. I know I have my faults, but how could this really be all my fault that we're in trouble.

[quankanne]

sounds suspiciously like a form of depression to me, which isn't helped by the marijuana use ...

[Nail&Hammer]

Birds of a feather flock together.

He does not sound like a soft place to fall, but you don't either.

You are good at pointing out his faults, yet you chose him.

Like he tricked you into marriage?

 

Your seeking help from strangers, is just about as wise as marring a person without having taken the time to know and test them.

 

Anybody giving you advice here will not share the outcome of putting the advice into practice.

 

You are a very judgemental person from what you wrote...birds of a feather!

 

Your real problem is not your husband, he is just the outcome of your real root problem. Get rid of him, you still have you. And "you" is the problem that will continue to make unwise, unhealthy life choices.

Untill you "get it", and deal with it.

[moimeme]

Oh, bull. People often marry people who seem perfectly fine until the marriage. Then the abuse begins. This is not her fault.

[harriet]

'I fell in love with him because of his understanding, compassion, generosity. We could talk for hours and I never felt judged. I could share my opinion and never feel criticized.' Mr Prince charming...every girls dream.

 

'He has become critical, judgmental, bossy, controlling, selfish, insecure, and moody.' Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

 

'I have become wary of telling him because of the way he reacts to them' Mr Hyde

 

'I am walking on egg shells here.' Unassertiveness on your part.

 

'I have made so many compromises and have organized my life immensely since we merged our lives. But it just doesn't seem like enough.' Putting his needs before yours, fear of asserting your needs, fear of rejection if you assert your needs and displease him. He is a bottomless pit, nothing will ever be enough.

 

'But I now feel criticized about........It's a bit overwhelming. I feel isolated, alone, unappreciated, and controlled.' Wake up call, alarm bells going off. Realization.

 

I have been through all this in the space of 7 months. I stood up to him, tried to set boundaries and he left me. Good riddance although it was a struggle to see Mr charming and Mr Hyde as one person.

 

He was wonderful the first 5 months and then switched and became a mixture. I can understand your shock.

 

However you must understand that this other side of him is not a flash in the pan, its part of who he is when he is overwhelmed by his inner fears and insecurities.

 

Yes he needs counselling, a lot of it-on his own and of his own free will. Its his problem not yours and he has to want to solve it or it won't work.

 

'I have made so many compromises and have organized my life immensely since we merged our lives. '

 

Being too nice and unassertive is also unhealthy.

 

Your solution for yourself is simple, become assertive, stand your ground and set boundaries. If you cannot do these things then get some counselling too and take your new self into all your relationships.

 

But the solution to your problem here is clear. Go your separate ways. You are not being nasty or a horrible person by doing so, you are not giving up on your love. You are respecting yourself and your right to be treated in a loving, caring and considerate way.

 

Work on yourself and find someone new who treats you the wonderful way you deserve.

 

He will not change unless HE wants to.

[deven]

"Birds of a feather flock together.

He does not sound like a soft place to fall, but you don't either.

You are good at pointing out his faults, yet you chose him.

Like he tricked you into marriage?"

 

I never said I didn't have any faults nor did I say I felt tricked into marrige. I feel that marriage is two people sharing live and helping ease the everyday burdens of life. Do I feel some of this is my fault? Absolutely!! But I don't think anyone deserves to be treated like this regardless of the people they choose to have in their lives. I am at fault for choosing men that take alot emotionally, but tend not to give back. My son's father was the same way. I tend to go out of my way to help lots of people in my life. There are just some people who take advantage of that. And the reality of it is that they probably don't even know they're doing it. And if you ask me, you sound just like my husband...pushing it right back on me...I'm the problem, not him.

[tabbico]

My ex sounds a lot like your husband - when I met him he seemed fine, but after we got married, he became more and more controlling - and it just got worse and worse. He isolated me from my friends, dictated what I could wear, etc. I tried to get him to go to counselling with me, but he refused saying everything was my problem, not his. Sound familiar? I don't know what help I can be except to say after 12 years we wound up getting divorced because he threw me out! Nicest thing he could have done for me.

 

The only thing I learned from the whole situation is that he may not realize that what he is doing is controlling and not a normal give-and-take relationship. If he does not see a problem, then you (based on my experience) have quite the uphill battle.

[InLimbo]

I met the guy i am with now via the internet, Sweet, charming, Romantic, I entered the relationship naive to the fact that he said he would give me the world, I feel stupid.

 

I came into this relationship with 3 kids from a previous marriage and moved them and myself 9000 miles from home to be with this guy, Early in the relationship we had problems and i should have gotten out then and there, But i believed the problems were due to the fact that we lived so far away and only communicated by phone and the computer.

 

I moved to be with him three years ago, On the promise that we would finally be a real family, do family things, picnics, playing at the park, barbeques at the beach but it all just seems like some horrible ploy just to get us here.

 

When we met he said i had given him the idea i was some sexual vixen, that i would do just about anything to please him sexually and otherwise even though some things conflicted with who i was, I would do /say things just to please him, again i feel so stupid and some would say (yes well its your fault for giving him such an idea)

but being totally in love one does and says stupid things.

 

My kids can never seem to do/say anything right, except for my youngest who was only 2 and a half when we met, Its either their grades, or the way they express themselves, My children are far from perfect, but they are only kids.

 

Now all i seem to hear is, I dont wear lingerie, I spend too much time looking after my kids, Too much time on housework, I dont stay up late enough and spend time with him, he just seems to be looking for reasons for us not to be together.

 

There has been some physical violence as well as alot of verbal and so typical he says " Well it was your fault you got hurt " For so long i started to believe this, that it was my fault, that i did deserve it in some way, god i wasnt this person back home, i have lost all self control, have no self image, i cry all the time, why are there so many things wrong with me.

 

 

and why the hell do i love this guy.

[lostvtr2]

My husband and I have been married just over two years. I fell in love with him because of his understanding, compassion, generosity. We could talk for hours and I never felt judged. I could share my opinion and never feel criticized.

 

Since we have lived together and married though things are quite different. He has become critical, judgmental, bossy, controlling, selfish, insecure, and moody.

 

I have a four year old son from a previous relationship which my husband absolutely adores. But the relationship I have(what little there is of one)with my son's father has become an issue too. I can no longer have a simple conversation with my son's father about his health or school without my husband asking why he wasn't told about the conversation.

 

Though I don't have a problem sharing these things, I have become wary of telling him because of the way he reacts to them. I am walking on egg shells here. I have made so many compromises and have organized my life immensely since we merged our lives. But it just doesn't seem like enough.

 

He says things like "you're not changing", "I feel uncomfortable when you go out with your friends when I'm out of town","where would you be now if I wasn't here", and "what right did you have bringing a child into this world". There is just so much I can say in a post like this.

 

I am confused about my future, concerned about the mother I have become to my son, I am no longer happy with the person I am now. I am not the neatest person in the world, but I am not dirty. I own my own business and have a hard time making ends meet sometimes, but I make it work somehow.

 

But I now feel criticized about what I do with my money, how I clean, how I manage my time, how I discipline my son, how often we make love, what I'm going to make for dinner, did I put my things away, do I have money for the bills. It's a bit overwhelming. I feel isolated, alone, unappreciated, and controlled.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions, input or advice?

 

 

I can say I can relate to how you are feeling. I got married after a horrible relationship with my daughters father. I have now been married a little over 3 years. My daughter is eleven. My husband has to control everything with her. He gets upset over small things like this evening, we called her from watching tv in our room for dinner. She came out and forgot to turn off the tv. So I went in and shut it off. She sat at the table and she was trying to move stuff to put her hands around the table for our dinner prayer. He lit into her. then of course she put her head down, and he told her to knock it off and sit up. After dinner she went and finished her homework. As my husband and I went to bed, He became upset she had forgotten to put the remote back on the head board agian. I explained that more than likely she got preoccupied. He got upset even more. This frusturates me more than anything in the world. I just want him to back off. He does this with everything even if I have already handled things so I can relate as far as going into depression. When it comes to our children we some how need to draw the line. And how