RainyNight Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I posted this earlier as a reply to Cora's story in another thread in this forum, I found it similar in a way to my story , one member ( Nicodeamon) suggested that I post it in another thread , I thought it would be a graet idea as it may help as part of the healing process I'm intending to go through . ===================== Cora I was helplessly searching the net for any help or hint or any thing at all that can save me from the confusion , anger and pain I'm going through right now , that was when I found this forum and read your post . I feel so sorry for you , but forgive me for feeling releived too , because I know now that I'm not alone , I'm not the only one who is going through this hurrican of ..of.. insanity . He is a highly educated man, with good manners. For almost 8 months we have been very good freinds, and we felt like soulmates meant to be for each other . I loved him , but I kept being reluctant, skeptical , wondering what was different about me from all the other younger and more beautiful girls surrounding him where he teaches . He kept explaining it over and over to me , but I had an awefully low selfesteem inspite of my high level of education and my other talents I'm gifted with . He saw me as a unique and a pretty lady, but I didn't . What made things worst was my pride defending my country when he criticized something about its politics . I told him your kids our kids will love this country , I will raise them to do it , and you will have to know and accept this . I had some troubling headache that day and Skype wasnt in its best conditions , so I couldnt tolerate the bad connection , the headache and the nausea . I am used to kind words from him whenever I felt ill . So by the end of the discussion I tried fishing for some usual sweet wrods and I told him I had headache and I was nauseated . The only thing he saide was ( OK) . The connection went off . And I never heard from him again . In previous conversations when he was frrustrated with my fear & doubts inspite of all of his promises , he would mention ( I do not want to lose you love , please try not to loose me , I will let you get rid of me forever not knowing where I am ) . I never paid attension for such statements , I used to just smile and we go back to our joyful chats and conversations and we forget about it , or I did at least . Even when he disappeared suddenly , initially I thought he had to travel for some conference in a nearby city he had told me about . So I did not suspect anything for a whole week . in the contrary I was so happy for some break . I went back to all of my hobbies that I almost stopped practicing when I met him : drawing , playing piano, sewing, writing . But then, after the week had passed , I started feeling alarmed . I sent offline messenger messeges , emails , text messeges , I called him over and over and over , continuously . I thought of talking to his family or freinds at work but I thought I would make a joke of my self. Today , I realized that he had logged on one technology forum he usually visits . And the messege was clear . He is not sick , he is not in jail , he just left me , without a note , a goodbye , or anything at all . It hurts . My life has become so empty since he left . I miss his soothing voice . His joyful laugh . His manly character . I miss him as a freind and as a lover . Many times I read something interesting and I turn around to send it to him , then I painfully remember that we are no more freinds or lovers or anything at all . Yes , I admit being reluctant and tough sometimes . But problems happen between lovers and with love they are supposed to try to sort them out together , or they maturely and respectfully end it and wish each other the best of luck . But running away like that .. well.. I can never understand it . Whydo men do that? Why do they just.. disappear ?! Why cant they just say "goodbye, sorry, I can't take it any more" ? Why do they drive someone they love to insanity ? inspite of all the busy details of my life , I cant stop thinking of millions of (whys) . Why didn't he leave when I initially told him I didn't think this would work well & I asked him to leave before I fall in love with him . I begged him to leave before my heart grow fonder of him & I get more addicted to his voice , his face , his presence, and the details of his amazing life and character, I begged him to leave before finding myself trapped in an impossible love or one sided love . But he won . He convinced me how much he loved me & how ready he was to sacrifice for me . Now I'm ready to fight the whol world to get him back . Now in his absence I realized how significant he is for me . But .. Alas ! Now I'm just singing with the old Bonnie Tylor : And I need you now tonight And I need you more than ever And if you'll only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever And we'll only be making it right Cause we'll never be wrong together Forever's gonna start tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Once upon a time I was falling in love But now I'm only falling apart There's nothing I can do A total eclipse of the heart Once upon a time there was light in my life But now there's only love in the dark Nothing I can say A total eclipse of the heart A total eclipse of the heart Link to post Share on other sites
Author RainyNight Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 Today , I couldnt maintain the No Contact technique any more . I read alot about it , I went through the whole book of ( The magic of making up ) , but part of me didn't beleive in it , & I couldn't stand it anymore . I read something on the web about ( the second chance letter ) and writing it as your ( last ditch ) . Well ,, I did ,, I sent him a text telling him that (I'm standing on my feet again, I'm ready to move on , but in one last move toward fixing this , and as I've always learned from you , here I am bowing my pride , dont cut the wings of your singing bird - as he used to call me - , the princess swan ready to fight the world for her prince, dont cut one last hand I give for getting back again . But if your descision was to stay away , then I respect it , & a princess swan knows how to turn into a rock , to fly away , and to search for happiness .) He used to like telling him bedtime stories, he liked my fairy tales , that's why I used some of it in this pityful text as you can see. And as a desperate way to apply the technique of ( motivating curiousity) I added the name of a place , a date & a time , trying to leave him wondering if this means it's a place and a time that I want to meet him in or what . I left that without details hoping he would call asking for details . Well , reading myself here , I think I already ruined it beyond repair I dont think he will ever come back again . I did the fatal mistake of ( begging ) , but when he did that to me , it impressed me . He was a great man by all means and yet he somehow begged me of all the other women in the world to be his life partner & the love of his life . I admired him more . Anyway , I really want to move on with a clear conscious that I did my best to make it work , & it's not my fault anymore . It hurts to live the emptiness he left . It hurts to think he is with another woman now or will be with another woman soon . It hurts to know that I will never be loved like that again . I wish he never exsisted . i never dreamed of a love like that before , but when I had it , it's verrrry difficult to accept any thing less now . I'm already 29, not a beauty queen . How will I ever have such a miraculous love again ? Yet. I will keep living . I was just thinking loudly . Thank you for letting me do so Link to post Share on other sites
era Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 problems happen between lovers and with love they are supposed to try to sort them out together That was my thinking also, when it happened to me...and I am way past the age of 29. It took a long time for me to heal, because I remained too attached to how things should have gone ...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RainyNight Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 That was my thinking also, when it happened to me...and I am way past the age of 29. It took a long time for me to heal, because I remained too attached to how things should have gone ...... But you DID heal . That's promising & comforting Era . I'm impressed . I know that the older we get the more difficult it becomes. I think healing from love wounds is somehow like healing from addiction . One has to suffer some withdrawal symptoms first . Then you get "clear" & move toward more healthy life . Thanks for the hope you gave , healing is possible even when I am 29 . Tell me about your healing journy Era, how did you finally acheive it ? Link to post Share on other sites
era Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Withdrawal symptoms, yes.... Allow yourself to feel like crap, for awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
Nicodaemos Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Ncodaemon eh? hmm, ill have to see if that has any sort of mythological history to it as well, heh. either way. Silent dumping, why they just get up and leave. Even if there are signs beforehand, why do people do it, what compels then to just give up and drop the love, the feelings, the possibilities that they had felt. More often, by the time they do it, they have already reconciled to themselves that this is the best course of action. And it seems sudden to the one that is left due to the lack of picking up on the subtle hints that people leave. It is hard to just outright say, 'i feel like you dont love me, show me you love me, prove it to me' It makes one seem needy, and insecure, but, LDR are a different beast. When all one has is words with the other, that is about all one can hope to have, except for those that are lucky enough to meet more than once or twice a year. Even then, words are the primary way to communicate. Communication, is of utomost importance, next to honesty, truthfulness. One has to have all 3, or it will only make things worse. Hiding how you feel bothered by that close friend of thiers, how they seem to spend alot of time around him, or her. But, even when things are always said with honesty, truth, that is still no gaurantee. Then next part is making sure that the other party understands the intent of those words, and not be confused, or misunderstand. Why, you ask, would he chose you, when he has all those younger and prettier women around him where he teaches? Becuase, maybe he could see beyond that, and see real beauty, but, it seems he had not the courage, nor the patience, to wait for something that is worth waiting for. Age has no power over beauty, never has, never will. I dont say that becuase of cosmetic surgery, but because beauty isnt about looks, its not about smooth skin, shining hair, and a toned body. No. 29? Bah, that is just a number put forth to help people catagorize and arrange things. Your age is yourself, and a beauty queen you are. You are a beautiful woman, and that miraculous love, will be found. You dont have to think of being with others now, dont have to accept anything other than what you have in your life today. Yes, you are alone, but you still have you. It hurts to know that you will never be loved like that again? You are right. You will be loved better than that. You may have loved him truly, but, him leaving, shows he did not. You had the love, he did not. You will be loved better than that, will be loved by someone that is deserving of your love as well. The love of a woman of timeless beauty and infinite emotion. Yes, be glad that you know he existed, be glad you had that happiness, and tha miraculous feelings within you. He may not have felt it in himself, but, he allowed you to feel them. You know that they are within you, that you can truly love someone. Move on then, with a clear conscience, for you have done more than what he did, and you have done all you can. Yes, it is hard, and yes, the thought of other people in you life, all but impossible right now, but, you will heal. Your true beauty will shine forth, stronger, and more glorious than before, for now you know you can love. Someone may see wrinkles, I see time, and stories to tell, and a life lived well. Someone sees crows feet, I see vision, beliveing in the future. Someone may see laugh lines, but I see laughter, joy a desire for more. Someone sees worry lines, but, I see caring, and compassion, that she can feel for another. Someone may see age, I, I see true beauty, that only grows each day. You will love again, not right now, but you will. And you will be loved in return. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RainyNight Posted March 21, 2009 Author Share Posted March 21, 2009 Era , I'm allowing it . I'm letting myself to have all the ups and downs. Thank you Era Nicodaemon , You made me cry. I will keep reading your post over and over again . It nourishes hope and strentgh within me . May be I will just have to apply the saying ( Dont be sad because it's over, be happy because it happened ). Thank you for your encouraging and beautiful words . Link to post Share on other sites
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