CHRISTIANS reply...need encouragement

[tuscansun]

Hello to me fellow siblings in Christ. I'm having a rough time of things. Last year I got out of a four year relationship, we were both Christians, well so I thought, but we struggled with the whole purity issue. About a year in we got extremely sexual which was very distracting because we began having serious problems in our relationship but were so distracted by sex that we kept putting them off. We continued our relationship as if the problems didn't exist and they eventually snowballed out of control.We ended up breaking up for what I thought would only be for a little while, however he started sleeping with a coworker of his and now they're supposedly 'together' and I spent the better half of last year heartbroken and hysterical and unbelievably depressed. Doesn't help that every now and again he tries to make it known that he feels trapped and im who he really wants but he just doesnt have the strength or courage or whatever to get out of what he's in....anyway, all that is garbage at this point.

 

My life has changed a lot since we broke up. I've made new friends, reconnected with ones I had drifted a bit from because my boyfriend lived 3 hours away and pretty much claimed every weekend. I found a new church that got me through the really hard patches. I moved back home for awhile to get out of debt and kind of start over, the list goes on and on, this has turned out to be a good break up, necessary....

 

however,

 

I can't get over the sex or the intimacy that came with it. He was my first and it's been so damaging to know that he's been sleeping with someone else for the last 8 months as if we didn't happen. There were occasions last year where Id get texts from him admitting that he still thinks of me a lot that way and it's been difficult for him to be intimate with her...why in the world he thinks I want to know that is beyond me...I did stupid things in desperation to detach myself from him sexually, I slept with other guys which I can tell you was really dumb and very unlike me...just stupid.

 

Ive come so far I'd very much like to meet someone else now, I mean it's been a year. And not just some idiot I can jump into bed with I want a good Christian man. however on the flip side, I can't pretend that Im not used to getting laid on a regular basis and I never realized Id feel so lonely without it. I feel like I need it, but I can't go into a Christian relationship feeling that way. Im just frustrated. I feel like God is punishing me with loneliness because I haven't found a single guy. It makes me mad that my exes co-worker was right there waiting and he didn't have to spend more than two months alone after us to just jump into bed with someone else AND theyre STILL together. Why is God making me tough this out alone. Yes it's made me stronger but the longer Im alone the more I feel like God is telling me, you screwed up so deal with it....I feel overwhelmed with sadness probably 50% of the time, and when I feel like that, its really hard to resist calling up some dude i know and trying to find temporary peace by spending the night with him. I feel so weak...Mentally I know better, but when I get down I think i tell myself I deserve this night because Im hurting and God's ignoring me anyways...little faith I know. Can anyone offer any guidance. Im only 23 and people tend to tell me, oh relax honey you have so much time and I get that but I was in something very serious, marriage plans made, family invited, the whole deal. Its very hard to just rewind and make myself a typical 23 year old and try to deal with guys my age who just act clueless after i thought my life was set... Help

[LovieDove24]

Hello to me fellow siblings in Christ. I'm having a rough time of things. Last year I got out of a four year relationship, we were both Christians, well so I thought, but we struggled with the whole purity issue. About a year in we got extremely sexual which was very distracting because we began having serious problems in our relationship but were so distracted by sex that we kept putting them off. We continued our relationship as if the problems didn't exist and they eventually snowballed out of control.We ended up breaking up for what I thought would only be for a little while, however he started sleeping with a coworker of his and now they're supposedly 'together' and I spent the better half of last year heartbroken and hysterical and unbelievably depressed. Doesn't help that every now and again he tries to make it known that he feels trapped and im who he really wants but he just doesnt have the strength or courage or whatever to get out of what he's in....anyway, all that is garbage at this point.

 

My life has changed a lot since we broke up. I've made new friends, reconnected with ones I had drifted a bit from because my boyfriend lived 3 hours away and pretty much claimed every weekend. I found a new church that got me through the really hard patches. I moved back home for awhile to get out of debt and kind of start over, the list goes on and on, this has turned out to be a good break up, necessary....

 

however,

 

I can't get over the sex or the intimacy that came with it. He was my first and it's been so damaging to know that he's been sleeping with someone else for the last 8 months as if we didn't happen. There were occasions last year where Id get texts from him admitting that he still thinks of me a lot that way and it's been difficult for him to be intimate with her...why in the world he thinks I want to know that is beyond me...I did stupid things in desperation to detach myself from him sexually, I slept with other guys which I can tell you was really dumb and very unlike me...just stupid.

 

Ive come so far I'd very much like to meet someone else now, I mean it's been a year. And not just some idiot I can jump into bed with I want a good Christian man. however on the flip side, I can't pretend that Im not used to getting laid on a regular basis and I never realized Id feel so lonely without it. I feel like I need it, but I can't go into a Christian relationship feeling that way. Im just frustrated. I feel like God is punishing me with loneliness because I haven't found a single guy. It makes me mad that my exes co-worker was right there waiting and he didn't have to spend more than two months alone after us to just jump into bed with someone else AND theyre STILL together. Why is God making me tough this out alone. Yes it's made me stronger but the longer Im alone the more I feel like God is telling me, you screwed up so deal with it....I feel overwhelmed with sadness probably 50% of the time, and when I feel like that, its really hard to resist calling up some dude i know and trying to find temporary peace by spending the night with him. I feel so weak...Mentally I know better, but when I get down I think i tell myself I deserve this night because Im hurting and God's ignoring me anyways...little faith I know. Can anyone offer any guidance. Im only 23 and people tend to tell me, oh relax honey you have so much time and I get that but I was in something very serious, marriage plans made, family invited, the whole deal. Its very hard to just rewind and make myself a typical 23 year old and try to deal with guys my age who just act clueless after i thought my life was set... Help

 

Let me start off by saying I can totally relate to the premarital sex thing. I find myself trapped in that same cycle whenever I seriously date someone. Before I found my faith, I had premarital sex and thought nothing of it. When my first boyfriend and I broke up it was like sex drove all my future relationships. It was so good and everyone else my age thought it was fine, so I thought so too.

 

Well premarital sex landed me pregnant and abandoned. The father and I dated for 4 months and he just up and left because he was terrified of the responsibility and didn't truly love me. Absolute worst case scenario right? But it happens more often than you'd think. I just read in the paper the other day that 70% of black children are born to unwed parents in the US, 40% of hispanic children and 30% of white children. Of those statistics how many of the parents stay together, its hard to say. But children were meant to be brought up within the sanctity of marriage.

 

I'm not preaching here but I'd like to share my personal experience to shed some insight. I by no means am better than anyone else I'd also like to make that clear. When I got abandoned at 2 months pregnant I felt like the most unlovable person in the whole wide world. I let myself get used for sex. It was THE most, slimy gut-wrenching feeling I've ever experienced in my life. I too screamed at God for allowing me to go through all the emotions, doctor visits, ultrasounds all that by myself. What was the point and why was I the only one who loved this baby?!

 

Once my daughter arrived I still felt lonely, unappreciated and unlovable but I also began to realize how beautiful life could really be through the beauty of my daughter. I began praying more, saying prayers of thanks and being kind to those around me. Still, when I found myself lonely I ended up in the arms of the wrong man. I dated a guy for four months and instead of seeking his love, all I settled for was sex and occasional companionship--these two things are worlds apart. This was only 2 months ago so, yes I am still struggling with premarital sex. It is a very difficult thing to wrap my head around that I'm not supposed to have sex until marriage, but again where has sex before marriage ever really gotten me? I want love when I really look at it honestly, not sex. I just always settled.

 

Anyways, you say you have been single for over a year and you want to know why God is "punishing" you. He is not. He wants you to see something. He wants you to take as much time for yourself to see what his plan for you is. Have you completely turned yourself over to God's will? Have you told him to please take the wheel? There is a reason you are single right now. Take time to see what it is God is trying to show you. For me, all of my alone time was sent to me to Magnify and hold a neon sign to my face saying "You were abandoned pregnant, it took the worst kind of abandonment to shake you to the core so you can see you have some serious abandonment issues from your past that need to be dealt with." You see up until this point I was in SERIOUS denail about the pain of my upbringing and how it affected me today. Both my parents were alcoholics and since I had this revelation during time to myself I've started attending Al-Anon meetings and am a much better person for it.

 

Wow I just wrote a friggen novel. I don't normally do that.