Another Lonely Newlywed

[Rayne]

Hi... I am new here too. My situation is very similar to that of New Wife Feeling Hurt, Angry... but my situation is slightly different (We don't have children yet, and I don't have the same health issue), so I decided to start a new post. (I totally sympathize with you New Wife if you are reading this!)

 

I have been married for a year and 2 months. We were together for 6 years this month. And I am a huge dummy for thinking that he'd change. He is a wonderful man: smart, sweet, funny, handsome, talented... everything I ever wanted in a man... I thought. Problem is, we have sex once a month (twelve times a year or less... of course I am counting!!) And I have been the initiator every time except once. I haven't been strong enough to just wait and see how much time would pass before he initiated!

 

Sadly, this behaviour was present for the past 4 years, and I married him anyway, because I led myself to believe a mixture of a) I was stronger than all those sexual impulses, and could live with it; b) I could be strong enough for both of us, and fix the problem; c) That his love for me would aid in changing the problem. Well, here I am 4 years later, FAT, unhappy, feeling that I must be disgusting to him if he isn't interested in me (except ha ha ha joke is on me... he wasn't interested when I was slim either!)

 

God! I find him so handsome and attractive. When he is undressed in front of me I just long for him. And he doesn't want me. It just makes me feel worthless. There is very little intimacy either... I try to cuddle in bed and he complains how uncomfortable he is or how tired he is until I turn away. He does give me a peck goodbye in the morning, but we haven't had a romantic kiss in months - maybe since the wedding! I give him oral sex every time I initiate sex, but he hasn't done that for me in forever - since before the wedding. He doesn't hold hands with me, even when we are alone. He even hides his personal parts when he is showering and I look. We are married for godsake... and not only can I not get laid by the man I love, but I can't even look at the merchandise!!

 

I've tried talking to him, but he says "You always make mountains out of mole hills.", or "Can't we just relax after work instead of talking?" or "Don't buy trouble." or he sighs in a tortured way like I suggested he go to a tupperware convention.

 

And yet he just cooked me dinner and brought it in to me. Please don't get me wrong... he isn't mean in any way. He is a nice man and I love him... it just so happens that he is a nice man who has no interest in me sexually. In every other way he is supportive. He doesn't stay out all hours, he doesn't drink, he is kind, he is loyal.

 

I have tried everything to change the lack of sex and intimacy: lingerie, porn, toys, magazines, books on relationships, books on romance, books on sex... you name it... I've tried reading it, doing it... nothing works! I have actually left work early, come home, shopped for and cooked a gourmet dinner, bathed, shaved and plucked every part of my body, dressed in lingerie, lit candles, poured him a scotch, and met him at the door (all at once...) and he has actually turned me down for sex in a sheepish way while he gratefully accepts the drink and meal. Sigh.

 

Oh - and I suppose I should mention that the first year we were together, the sex was phenomenal - and I mean that sincerely. I used to have orgasms with him on a regular basis. We were hot for each other - used to take baths together all the time, chase each other around the bed, we experimented, we even had sex in a few naughty places... now nothing.

 

What oh what am I to do? Is this worth separating over? I feel like that is the wimpy way out, and I always thought that most people who get divorced just take the easy way out... but now I see that that isn't it at all! (Sorry if that is offensive! It wasn't meant to be.) I don't really want out! What I WANT is my husband to find me attractive and have sex with me once a week instead of once a month. And I've told him all this (begged and pleaded actually), but nothing has changed.

 

I asked yesterday if he'd see a counsellor with me, and he said we don't need that. He told me he didn't want to go.

 

What should I do?

[Tony T]

There are a multitude of reasons why your husband could be like this but since he is not willing to explore them it's pretty mute to even bring them up. You ask what to do. First, I will tell you it's not very likely he will change. So you have to look at yourself and ask yourself if this is something you can tolerate for a lifetime. If not, you'll have to get a divorce.

 

Your husband was extremely honest with you during the courting period. The positive sexual experiences you had prior to marriage were all part of the normal business of male winning female over. But you also admit you got a good taste of things to be and just thought that love would conquer all. For this you must take the majority of responsiblity for where you are now. You had no rational basis for thinking that his libido would increase after marriage. As a matter of fact, the frequency of sex most often decreases after marriage.

 

It appears your interest in sex is way too much to settle for the kind of marriage you're in. I think your frustration will eventually turn into anger...and, if you let it, rage. Get out of it now while you can, do it in a friendly way, and heal so you can find a relationship that will be gratifying to you sexually. Sex is a small but extremely significant component of a healthy marriage. With the way you feel about this, there is simply no way your marriage will survive.

[Rayne]

Thanks so much for your reply. I know in my heart that you are probably right. It is just so hard for me, because I don't want to hurt him, and if I leave, he will be very hurt. And so will I.

 

My heart is breaking over this, because I really do love him. It isn't the sex that is the most important issue - it is the lack of intimacy. I could do without intercourse if he'd just cuddle me.

 

The thought of leaving him is horrible.

 

[Tony T]

If he loves you so little that he is unwilling to see a therapist so he can help you to be fulfilled and to meet your most basic needs for sensory stimulation in the marriage....which is in my opinion an obligation he has to you....you have no choice but to leave. He doesn't seem to mind hurting you. If he thought enough of the marriage to get help...so see just what's going on...I would say hang in there and see it through. But you're not getting your most basic needs met and that is simply not acceptable in a marriage.

 

Rejection hurts a lot....and I promise you your feelings will escalate into rage eventually. You cannot continue to be rejected this way without eventually becoming very angry. End it before it gets to that. Why don't you see a counsellor by yourself so a professional can give you this information...and maybe give you some insights into why he is this way?

[Rayne]

Thanks again. I have been looking for a therapist for both of us (but as I mentioned, he told me yesterday that he won't go), so I will go on my own and see what happens.