black cat Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Hello. I've made a number of friends, both male and female, by being a member of a forum. I've met up with a number of them in real life, and am now romantically involved with a guy. It's a LDR, and we only get to meet up on average every 6 weeks. Lots of contact through msn, facebook, phone calls between meets - it's all going very well. But now a situation has developed that I'm not exactly happy with. One of the women I've made friends with on the forum is a lesbian, and has made it clear that she fancies me - and I've made it crystal clear that I'm not interested, that I'm not 'bi' or even curious. I've known her online for about 2 years now, and tend to talk to her on msn with a mixed group from the forum. When she found out that I was involved with my BF, the hints started that she could meet up with us (we meet up in a town halfway between where we both live, and she lives not that far away) Obviously for the first few meetings I made it clear that me and BF wanted some 'private' time - that it wasn't us meeting up as 'friends' but for romantic weekends away together. My BF is friends with her as well. The last time we meet up, the BF mentioned that we should invite 'friend' along the next time. I agreed, we set a date (next weekend) and she is going to join us for the saturday evening. The problem is that she keeps making very explicit remarks about how she fancies me, about lesbian sex etc...even going as far to say she was going to put a 'date rape' drug in my drink. I know she means it as a joke, but all this chat is making me feel increasingly uncomfortable - and now it has got to the point where I really don't want to meet up with her. I'm also now avoiding her on msn. I mentioned it to one of the other guys in the group who I am close to - but I could tell he didn't really understand how much her remarks are upsetting me. BF is looking forward to meeting her, so I don't feel I can say anything to him about it, without looking like a right bitch. Should I say something to her face to face about stopping the sexual remarks, or should I just leave it? I'm actually dreading the weekend, and usually I'm really looking forward to them... Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Many lesbians feel they have a superior lifestyle to heterosexuals. It sounds like she holds your relationship with your bf in contempt and the MSM has convinced her that her lifestyle is chic and noble while yours is barbaric and repressive Tell her to get out of your life Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Is there any possibility that your bf is hoping/planning for a threesome? Link to post Share on other sites
Author black cat Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 Burning for revenge: she doesn't like what she calls 'het' displays of affection in front of her. Telling her to 'get out of my life' would be a bit hard, she's friends with my BF as well. JamesM: *rollseyes* He's hetero, I'm hetero and neither of us are 'in' to that sort of thing, at all. We are all in our late 30s, that childish tacky crap is well behind us. And this girl is not a 'lipstick' lesbian - she's huge, very butch. And she would rather drop dead than be involved with a man sexually. Can anyone give some actual helpful advice? Link to post Share on other sites
gopher Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Why do you just be honest with her?...If you're holding back because of b/f...I seriously doubt that he would want you to be uncomfortable vs. hurting your common friend's feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
axisdenied Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Many lesbians feel they have a superior lifestyle to heterosexuals. They do? OP --I don't think it's in your interest to meet anyone offline who is making you feel uncomfortable online. If this person was a man and doing that same thing would you meet up with him? If I were you I'd just go do something else while the BF met with her if he still wants to do that. Good luck, a Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 Just tell her you don't like it when she flirts with you like that and ask her to stop. If she is your real and true friend, she WILL respect your wishes and stop that behaviour. Be honest and upfront, don't be passive. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 If you dont like it, bring it to your boyfriends attention and get this person outta your circle, she is no friend of your relationship!!! What's next she's gonna get you drunk and take advantage of you? Why are you friends with her in the first place!!!! God you women are so naive!!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 I think the problem is, they all met on the same online forum..So breaking the friendship with her is going to be difficult seeing as her BF is friends with this girl as well. Anyway, just let her know you're not interested and to stop dropping hints. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 Like i said tell the boyfriend and see what he says I would not find it amusing that this "man" is hitting on his girlfriend behind his back!!! I dont think any man would and plus if she doesnt like it she needs to put her big girl panties on and stand up for herself! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 LOL. A lesbian cougar! But seriously, I HAD a similar problem. I spoke with her privately. It was put to bed. My friend is far from butch, but she is plus, plus sized - I love her to death, though! You have to let your friend know that you don't like or want her comments or jokes. She might think she's complimenting you somehow. Just talk to her. And if she flips out, then cut her out. Link to post Share on other sites
era Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 The problem is that she keeps making very explicit remarks about how she fancies me, about lesbian sex etc...even going as far to say she was going to put a 'date rape' drug in my drink. I know she means it as a joke, but all this chat is making me feel increasingly uncomfortable. Should I say something to her face to face about stopping the sexual remarks, or should I just leave it? I'm actually dreading the weekend, and usually I'm really looking forward to them... Wow...clearly a woman who knows no boundaries... You must tell her exactly how you feel, just like you told us. Link to post Share on other sites
Goldstar Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 Ok so she told you she liked you and you were clear that you were in no way interested? She then continued to make sexual remarks including the bit about the drug in your drinK, is that correct? I agree with the previous posters, this woman is unworthy of your time or friendship. If you have been crystal clear about having a bf, if you have not been flirting with her on-line, if you have told her in no uncertain terms you are straight, then she is clearly not respecting you or your boundaries. You have every right to feel uncomfortable. Please talk to your bf. Let him know that you cannot continue this friendship. I am a lesbian and I would not tolerate such behavior, I don't feel superior in my lifestyle, but I do respect my friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author black cat Posted March 21, 2009 Author Share Posted March 21, 2009 Thanks to all who have replied. I've been more than crystal clear that I am not interested. I've told her repeatedly that I'm not bisexual, never been interested in women, and never have been. I'm 40, for pity's sake and have been married twice. She knows this, and still she continues. It's such a shame, cause apart from this she is a nice person. I don't want to upset her (and she's pretty highly strung, I know she will be) but I can't see what else I can actually say to her to get her to stop. I'm not naive, not at all...I just don't understand why she keeps doing it. Goldstar, thanks for your remarks, it's good to hear that I'm not being over sensitive about the situation. Luckily I meet my BF a few hours before meeting this woman, I'm going to have a word with him and see what he says. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 So have you met this woman face to face yet? Or has it all been online? Bottomline is this, TELL your boyfriend about this situation and make sure HE understands that you can't be close or friendly with this woman anymore because she doesn't respect you, and she's not willing to stop her flirty behaviour with you. I would call the whole thing off about meeting her. Hopefully your boyfriend will agree with you, and don't leave out that she joked about drugging you. Though something tells me she may not have been joking about it. Something feels very "off" about this woman, so be careful. Thing about meeting people online and thinking you know them..Meeting face to face can change everything, sometimes in a positive way and sometimes in a negative way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author black cat Posted March 21, 2009 Author Share Posted March 21, 2009 It's all been online, whichwayisup...and I really wanted to keep it that way. My BF is keen to meet her, I've always been lukewarm about it. It's too late to stop it now, she's purchased train tickets etc. After sounding out another male member of the group, I'm pretty certain he will think I'm making a fuss over nothing. Can anyone suggest what I should say to her? Frankly, since I've already used the 'I'm not interested, I'm not a lesbian/bi, that's not about to change' lines about 20 times, I've run out of ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 Your lesbain friend needs to learn boundaries Why is she so needy anyways? Link to post Share on other sites
gopher Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 Why does your b/f want to meet her so badly? They wouldn't seem to have anything in common. Link to post Share on other sites
Author black cat Posted March 21, 2009 Author Share Posted March 21, 2009 She's suffered badly from depression in the past, so I think my BF feels sorry for her. She spends her life online, and doesn't appear to have many friends in 'real' life, apart from the ones she goes drinking with. She's been down recently, as she was claiming a disability benefit, but after a medical, it's been withdrawn and she has to claim jobseekers allowance - which means she has to show she is actively looking for work. I always feel a bit annoyed when she starts complaining about this, as she's been well enough to take part in 3 theatre productions in the last year, but is supposedly not well enough to work...and she wonders why her parents aren't happy with her (she still lives at home). If it had been up to me, this would have stayed an online friendship. But she really did guilt trip both my BF and myself into meeting with her. Link to post Share on other sites
sfsassy Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 When I was about 16-20 I had a MUCH older lesbian semi friend who was like this. We were both members of a theatre group. In my case, part of the time I was experimenting with bisexuality since all my friends were lesbians, gay men or bi women. (It didn't take, though I wouldn't throw Kate Winslet out of bed, lol.) Anyway, even during the bi time, this really butch, ultra sensitive, much older woman was so not my type. she would relentless flirt with me in really inappropiate ways. I told her REPEATEDLY not to flirt with me or play with my hair that it creeped me out. My older bi and lesbian friends tried to talk some sense into her, but she needed to "express" herself. She told my MOM that both my mom and I were hot, lol. (Luckily my mom laughed it off since she knew she was crazy. At least my mom is about her age, lol.) I finally had to drop the theatre group which I LOVED in large part to to her shennagans. The ironic part is last year, about 15 years later, I went to a memorial for a fellow member of our group who had died, and she was STILL doing that. I did inform her I was very straight and really loved straight intercourse. (I knew that would gross her out.) In some ways I felt sorry for her, but she was REALLY annoying. Link to post Share on other sites
boxing123 Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 Tell her you are not a sexual deviant, and have no interest in her lifestyle. You cannot be nice with people like this. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 Tell her you are not a sexual deviant, and have no interest in her lifestyle. You cannot be nice with people like this. see you and i agree on many things..... Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 see you and i agree on many things..... I wonder what he thinks about straight men going to tranny bars? Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 I wonder what he thinks about straight men going to tranny bars?not really i take it back Link to post Share on other sites
St. Nick Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 This lesbian "friend" of yours is most likely going to need a court-ordered restraint. You've already told her so much why you're not interested. You've gone into detail about it and everything. That should be enough. If she keeps coming then find some way to get her away from you. All the things you said about her: medication, her "real friends" are online, closest friends in the real world are drinking buddies, high-strung, etc., all that adds up to a powder keg waiting to explode. Have you ever seen Alicia Silverstone in the movie "The Crush"? Yeah, you don't want that happening to you. On another note, I have to agree with the others, the fact that your b/f is so interested in her is suspicious. Is there something he's not telling you? Link to post Share on other sites
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