midlifecrisis Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 Hello First of all, I must say how therapeutic it has been to lurk in these forums! Thanks to everyone who posts here! Short background facts before I get to my main situation and question: Fact 1: I just turned 40, am divorced, and have kids (7 and 11). My ex-wife didn't work when we were married and we live in the Bay Area (northern California) -- which means that I am spending a TON of money on supporting her and the kids -- who live with her. I can't afford a big enough place to fully share custody, so they stay with her 100%, and I visit/pick-them-up often. Fact 2: When the divorce happened, we were amicable. I like her, but we just can't live together ;^) I had no desire to jump into new relationships any time soon, so I took the position that I would remain "poor" so that my ex could be a full-time-mom until the kids got closer to high-school age. Fact 3: I am an "adult child" of alcoholics, and have tons of issues that I have had to work through as a result. Much of this contributed to my marriage's failure, but I did come to realize (through therapy) that it would not have worked out anyway, but nevertheless -- I constantly question my ability to hold on to a relationship. Fact 4: I've had a few short-relationships (2-3 month'ers), and one longer one (1 year) since my divorce 5 years ago. The situation: I'm now coping with a break-up from that 1 year relationship. Its been a few weeks now, but it is still very painful. Technically, I was dumped, but I gave her no choice and new it was coming. My ex gf has young kids of her own (3 and 5) and wanted to improve her (and their) quality of life. She was looking for a partner to share in their lives. We got along beautifully and never fought heatedly. We were compatible in almost all facets. The sex was great, the conversations were great, we like the same movies, and thoroughly enjoyed doing all things together. Because she's a very strong woman, she felt that I was being treated badly by my ex wife and that I should not be having to carry such a large financial burden for them. Because of my support for my ex-Wife, she felt that she would always be "second fiddle". We worked through this, but it reared its ugly head again when she decided she wanted to purchase a home. She wanted to know if she could count on me for financial support? Basically, I drew the line. I told her that I loved her but I would not be ready to support our lives in that way until my kids got older and my Ex Wife became more independant financially. My GF told me that she loves me too, but she just can't deal with that situation. I told her that I don't blame her, that love (in fact) can't conquer all, and sometimes you have to find someone in a life-situation that is compatible as well. Another difficulty was the fact that my kids were older and already "set" in their lives. They lived over an hour away from where my girlfriend and I lived, so it was very difficult to act like the Brady Bunch, if you know what I mean. This seemed to bother my GF also. She used to mention how great it would be if my kids came over and we all were able to stay together for weekends, holidays etc. I realize that this is very normal for ex's and their kids -- but it just didn't work out that way for me and my kids.... Maybe I held back because I wasn't fully committed to my GF? Most of the issues were hers, but I was uncomfortable with one thing: the fact that her approach to life is very scattered -- resulting in lots of stress and hectic-ness that I did not take to very well. Other annoyances were unimportant and none of them were show-stoppers. The question: From what you have read, do you think that I have too much baggage to be in a relationship? My friends tell me that I really need to find someone that is past the "family building" stage and is ready to concentrate on enriching their lives with a partnership and having some fun. Does that mean I must only go out with Women in their late 40's and early 50's? Are all women with kids going to have the same issues with my current situation? Am I too much of a "door mat" for my ex-Wife to gain enough respect to be in a new relationship? I have been through the therapists, and there are no black-and-white answers. I thought I go for some non-professional opinions from folks who aren't friends that want to make me feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 My friends tell me that I really need to find someone that is past the "family building" stage and is ready to concentrate on enriching their lives with a partnership and having some fun. Does that mean I must only go out with Women in their late 40's and early 50's There are younger women who have decided to eschew the 'family building' stage. It also depends on the woman; some may prefer to not try for a 'Brady Bunch' situation. As for finances, should you take up with a woman who is financially independent, she shouldn't be that concerned with your financial situation. I know couples who keep their finances separate for similar reasons and they do fine. You sound as though you have done well in working on your issues and knowing yourself. If your 'baggage' doesn't make you a bad partner (jealous, controlling, angry, etc.), then you should be a perfectly acceptable fellow for a lady who will admire you for your commitment to your children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midlifecrisis Posted October 11, 2003 Author Share Posted October 11, 2003 Thanks Moimeme, It is encouraging to hear that. I have worked hard on my issues -- which is a life-long endeavor! No, I'm not a bad partner. I remain friends with my ex-Wife, and most of my ex-Girlfriends. I imagine it will be the same with the latest one, once the hurt passes. We have already spoken to each-other, but we both agreed to keep it to an infrequent minimum for a while -- because it sets my healing-process back too far for now (she, apparently, had given up before our break-up so she's already moving on -- yuck!). My biggest fear, which ties-into my user-name, is that I'll won't find the "right one" before I get even older and will miss out on being with my soul-mate during the magical younger (well, relatively speaking anyway) years.... Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 I don't have the answer to all of your questions but I did want to comment on a few things. First of all, you seem like a lovely, decent person. I'm sorry you're going through all this. Yes, I do think you're being a doormat with your ex. I think you have some guilt issues, a need to please, or something going on there. You're living in a place so small you can't even have your kids overnight. They're not babies anymore. Why isn't your ex out working.....at least part time? Why are you living like a pauper while she's staying home all day during the school year? I can understand why your ex girlfriend feels she'll always be second place with you. You're still essentially in a marriage......maybe not sexually and all that, but certainly financially. I do, however, think she's out of line in asking you to help make the house payments when you're not even married. I totally admire you for looking out for your kids and supporting them. It's very admirable of you. But you need to live too. I think your ex wife needs to pitch in a bit. Bottom line is, when you've got two broken families and try to mesh the two, it's seldom, if ever, easy. I think there's still plenty of hope for you, but perhaps you need to seek women who don't have small children. I just don't see how that can work, especially if you continue the way you've been living. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midlifecrisis Posted October 11, 2003 Author Share Posted October 11, 2003 Fancy, you get right to the bottom of things, don't you! To provide a little more clarification.... my Ex has started to work. As you can imagine, starting from scratch in your mid forties (she's older than I am) is a bit difficult and it will be a few years before she can really make a significant impact financially. But, as difficult as it is to admit, you are right... I do have guilt/need-to-please and other issues that contribute to this situation. The skeleton in my closet... Must I have that situation solved, or is there someone out there for me that can work with me and be patient? My ex-GF and I were completely honest with each-other regarding the situation, but she made it clear that, although she felt my situation was ever-so-slowly improving, she did not feel that I could improve enough (or fast enough) to fit in with her plans... You are extremely perceptive Fancy. Yes -- I probably need to pass-over women with small children. Not the right audience for my unpacking of bagage..... ;^) Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 Yes, I do shoot straight from the hip. I tick a lot of people off that way, but I have to be honest. If you didn't want help, you wouldn't have posted, right? I can understand your guilt issues and all that. Your kids didn't ask for this divorce and you're trying to keep their lives as stable as possible. As I said before, that's a very honorable thing to do. Let's face it, once you hit your 30s, the dating pool tends to dry up a bit. Don't get discouraged, though. There's still eligible women out there. I suspect (although I could be wrong) that you're not really interested in dating women in their 40s. I get the feeling you'd like to be around a younger crowd (early 30s). There's nothing wrong with that at all, however, many women in their early 30s have been married before and have young children. You're not wanting more children, is that right? Don't despair, believe it or not, there's women in the world who don't want kids. I'm one of them (but I'm already taken......lol). There was a thread on here just the other day about women who don't want kids. Personally, I think you'd be much better off dating women who either don't want kids, or have kids who are grown or close to it. Mixing your kids with someone else's kids and the situation you're in is bound for disaster, IMO. That being said, I think the first thing you need to do before you start worrying about dating is getting your issues resolved. You said you'd been to therapists before. Are you still going? Would you be willing to try a new one? If you don't want to or can't afford to go the counseling route, there's tons of good books out there that can be very helpful. Try going to amazon.com and searching for some books on adult children of alcoholics and self-esteem. I can tell from your posts that you're always thinking you're not good enough and worthy enough. That's simply not true, but until you yourself believe it, it will be a constant hinderance in your life. People slam the institution of marriage all the time, but marriage itself isn't the problem and it isn't why marriages fail. Marriages (and relationships) fail because of the baggage and unresolved issues people bring to it. If you're not right with you and if you don't love, respect, and appreciate yourself, how can you possibly feel those things for a mate? You simply cannot. People go into relationships looking to have needs met from another person that need to be met by themselves. When the other person doesn't come through with the magic formula, things turn sour. So, in a nutshell, my advice to you is to have a relationship with you. Pamper you. Get to know you. Love you. Work through and overcome the ghosts of your past that still haunt you, confront who you need to confront, lay it to rest and resolve to not let your past control one more minute of your future. Then, and only then, will you be ready for a healthy relationship. Otherwise, you'll only be repeating history. Good luck to you! Post any time! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 My biggest fear, which ties-into my user-name, is that I'll won't find the "right one" before I get even older and will miss out on being with my soul-mate during the magical younger (well, relatively speaking anyway) years.... Happens. My dad didn't find the love of his life 'till he was 55. You can either be encouraged or discouraged by that. I choose the former Link to post Share on other sites
Author midlifecrisis Posted October 11, 2003 Author Share Posted October 11, 2003 Ugh. Why is it that the "right" answer is always the hardest! First of all, thank you Fancy and Moimeme! In one day's worth of posts, you have managed to get to the issues faster than many $$$$$ worth of therapist sessions! Secondly, I want to thank you for making me feel like I don't need to give up on relationships and crawl under a rock for the rest of my life! Fancy, I agree that (in general) one should resolve their deepest of issues prior to carrying them into a relationship. Relatively speaking, I'm inexperienced with relationships. Other than my ex-Wife and this last GF of one year, I've never been in a long-term serious relationship -- and I'm 40!!! I have unconsciously avoided them because of my self-esteem issues, or, I found it natural to pull away quickly if things didn't start going perfectly from the beginning. I went through roughly 3 years of therapy -- right after getting divorced. I then found the Adult-Children group meetings, and even went to some group therapy about relationships. I knew I didn't have my problems solved, but I did think I was getting to the stage where I could progress on my own. Besides, the $$$ and time was hard to come by! It was when I started feeling better about myself that I found myself doing much better on the dating front! :-) Right now, I feel that my psyche has taken a few steps back, so here is my plan: 1. Whip out the self-help books and see if I can scrounge enough time for the free groups (like ACA) 2. Try to find a way to have some fun on my own (to get my mind of off relationships) if possible 3. Acknowlege that, yes, I am most attracted to women in their 30's, but stay away from the "two families together" situation -- when dating starts to happen again. 4. Participate in these forums ;^) Take care Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 I'd say do whatever you want to do, see whoever you want to see. But in the intial stages of dating, you can size up the situation to see if there might be a future in it for you...or not. If you're strapped for cash, you don't want to take on anything that's money consuming. For a period of time, why don't you just enjoy your freedom to date around...or date someone for fun and recreation. Why the rush to get serious? I do think you have your head on together pretty well and you recognize your own limitations. Do you really think you've processed all the crap from your family of origin? I'd take some time, if I were you, to be sure all the repressed anger, hurt, abuse, etc., issues from that have been handled properly. The move on from there. I think your biggest problem may be taking on more of a new family than you can handle. A lady with grown kids who are away...or with no kids at all who doesn't want any might be your best bet for a long termer. Link to post Share on other sites
jangel348 Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 Well you pretty much dug your self a hole to deep to crawl out of with your ex but then you made the comittment and should stick by it but then that pretty much leaves with her you hung out to dry i would reconsider the arrangements to at least gradually include some type of life for yourself to ask your ex to suddenly change in midstream is a little harsh why not set up a gradully transition to shifting a little more of the responsibility to her that way adjusting isnt so hard to cope with and when things take place gradually it doent seem so overwhelming as far as your girlfriend part of me wants to say well she knew this when she started with you and it was okay then why is it all of a suden a problem i think maybe she thought you would just CHANGE because she is so wonderful im sorry that was a little shi__y but really she needs to wake up and smell the coffee she knew this about you a year ago huh? worried about baggage hey we all got baggage some of it just has nicer leather than others beside with out the baggage you wouldnt be the person you are today and the day she fell in love with you things will be okay............... reward yourself for a change what you are doing is being a father and no one should every be made to feel bad about that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 I'm glad to help! The reason I can understand and get to the point so easily is that I have/had many of the very same issues you do, therefor I can easily spot them. You seem willing and open to comments and honest opinions, which is wonderful. Most of the advice I give here feels like it falls upon deaf ears. There's not one single person on this earth who is issue-free. It's not possible. If you've lived any length of time, you've at some point been abused, neglected, rejected, abandoned, or otherwise mistreated. We all have our crosses to bear. By no means should you feel alone in your situation because you're definitely not. I think it's very wise that you get back into some of your group meetings. You'll have an opportunity to meet new people and share your feelings with people who know exactly where you're coming from. It's a wonderful non-judging setting. As I said before, check out amazon.com. You can perform a search there for books related to what you want to work on. They have tons of paperback books that are pretty cheap. I've ordered several books and I've found that they've been very beneficial. Just wondering........do you go to church or practice any kind of religion? I'm not preaching to you by any means, but speaking for myself, the answer to every single question I've ever had about life I've found the answer to in the Bible. You're always welcome to vent here. That's what we're all here for. I know you feel isolated and feel like you're the only person in the world sometimes. I've spent the majority of my life like that. My distrust and lack of faith in people has made me incredibly jaded but I also realize I create my own loneliness in many ways. You need to reach out to people who are willing and able to give you support. They are out there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author midlifecrisis Posted October 11, 2003 Author Share Posted October 11, 2003 Tony: Thanks -- I'm glad someone feels I can just get out there, but just maybe stay away from seriousness for a while. I didn't much like the idea of JUST concentrating on myself! Jangel348: Yep, I did create a pretty sh***y situation for myself financially. The gradual change idea will work. Last year, I thought I was going to lose my job, and you know what, my ex got off her but and found a job! I'm paying her slightly less per month now as a result. I have to be really careful about how I approach this one. If I push too hard, it will backfire and create a stressful situation. Your assessment of my GF situation is right also. She did know what the situation was. She debated it with herself but came to the conclusion that it was workable. Over time though, she realized that she couldn't deal with it after all. This does give me a better opportunity to focus on being a good dad -- ince I no longer have *two* families to worry about! ;^) Fancy: I was a practicing Christian in my younger years, and I'm open to trying it again -- but that will take me a bit longer to get used to than returning to groups. Whatever works will prevail! ;^) It is hard to imagine you as being distrustful and jaded, but I know what you mean. I have created my own lonliness in similar ways... Later all -- its time to go be a Soccer Dad! Link to post Share on other sites
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