don't know what to think

[Bita26]

Hi everyone! I’ve been lurking in this forum for quite a while, and have been following everyone’s stories. You are all so inspirational!

 

My story is the following (a little long so please bear with me ). I have been dating my boyfriend since late October 08, and have been in a LDR since late December 08. He’s supposed to come back the last week of April (only a month away). We met at the local restaurant we both work at. I won’t say it was love at first sight haha in fact we couldn’t stand each other at first; but you know what they say…

 

At first I was a little hesitant to get into a relationship with him, he had already planned to leave at the end of December and come back in the spring. He’s planning to stay in the States for a few months and then go back to his country to enroll at a college. I really wasn’t looking forward getting into a relationship with someone that was going to leave so soon, come back after a few months and then leave again! However he convinced me to give this a shot and try a LDR and I have to say I don’t regret it.

 

Since day one we established honesty and a good communication as crucial rules for our relationship. Even though we were in two different countries I felt the distance was just a technicality and have never been closer with anyone in my whole life. Our communication was really great.

 

However, the past two or three weeks I have noticed he has been a little off. He has been visiting his family and friends so these past two weeks we haven’t talk as much as we used to. I don’t mind him going out and having fun, nor did I expect for us to have 12 hours conversations every day (lol a little exaggeration), but I’m upset that the quality of our talks have decreased as well. I asked him about this the other day, because I came to the assumption that maybe he wasn’t interested in this relationship anymore and he said that he’s sorry but that he has had a lot of things on his mind lately (family issues) and that if he feels distracted was because of it and not because he feels any different about me. I asked him to please let me know when something serious was bothering that way I wouldn’t jump into conclusions. He answered that he’s usually very closed off and doesn’t like to talk about his problems. We kinda got into a little argument there but then I gave it a rest and just figured he probably has a lot on his plate right now.

 

Yesterday we talked, and he came up and told me we wouldn’t be able to talk until Monday because of some family gathering and then he told me about some other events he has planned meaning we would go days without talking. I got fed up with him and asked him to be honest and tell me how involved he really was in our relationship and he told me he didn’t know . That he still cared very much about me and that he didn’t want to hurt me; but that he feels that he only has a month left and wants to squeeze as much as he can and also has a lot of issues at home he’s still working on and that going out with his friends is a way for him to take a break from his problems.

 

Before I give people the wrong idea about me not understanding his situation, I just want to make it clear that I do, I know what is like to have a lot on your plate and I imagine he wants to spend as much time with his friends as possible. But let’s be honest I do too have problems at home, on top of that I have work and school to worry about and yet I do still find the time to connect with him. I just feel like he’s putting me on the side and not really working for this relationship. I talked to my mom yesterday to kinda get a different opinion and she said that a 5 minute phone call to see how I was doing or a quick e-mail just saying hi wouldn’t take time away from his friends. He is telling me he doesn’t want to lose me, yet his actions don’t make much sense.

 

What bothers me the most is that this bs is happening a month before he’s coming back. What didn’t happen the first few months is happening now that he’s about to come back. Naturally this makes me question our bond and whether or not he’s going to be becoming distant when he starts college and gets schoolwork, etc. I’m feeling torn because a part of me feels I’m being selfish and not understanding enough and that I should put myself in his position, but another part tells me I’m feeling shoved to the side. I really need some advice.

 

Thank you for reading my long story lol

[oasis_02]

From what I read, its clear you understand the weight he has on his shoulders, and you don't sound selfish or like your whining at all. I would think Its completley normal to miss those long conversations when your so used to them and especially in a LDR since communication is really important.

 

But it sounds like he just has a lot of pressure and issues to deal with (and although I agree a 5-minute phone call doesn't take much effort), people have different ways to vent out their frustrations. Sometimes my SO likes to be alone, when we talk its pretty much ME trying to hold up the conversation. I know he is probably having a bad day or an off week, so I let him have his space for a while. I'll send a text to show him I'm thinking about him, but other than that I don't try and add more weight on his shoulders by pointing out how much its putting a strain on our relationship, since I know once he sorts out his thoughts he'll call me when he's ready to talk.

 

In the meantime just be supportive and positive around him. Ask him if he wants to talk about it (Even if you think he probably won't). I wouldn't take it personally either, everyone handles issues differently, some people need to be alone to sort out their thoughts and some people need someone to listen to them vent. Just show him your there and he'll eventually come around

[Island Girl]

You were only dating a short time before going LD

 

You guys have both maintained this long and you only have a month left of the distance.

 

Let him focus on his last month there -- and family etc. -- you focus on here -- and VERY soon he'll be back and you guys can get back to normal.

 

Then you guys will get even more connected for -- a while longer -

 

And don't even think about how things are going to be so far down the road.

 

Just relax and know he is going to be back really soon.

 

It doesn't mean you are less of a priority - he just has different crap going on there. (I know how it is from both sides.)

[Bita26]

Thank you ladies! it's always good to hear someone else's advice, especially when they know what this is like. I won't stress too much over it and try to focus on other things during this month.

 

@ Oasis: I seem to forget that guys tend to deal with problems differently from us girls! . You are right, is better if I don't bring it up anymore and just give him his time.

 

@ Island Girl: Thanks for advicing me not to think too much down the road. That's my problem! I always always think about what's going to happen down the road and many times have stopped myself from going after something just because I start overanalyzing too much. Is better if I just "go with the flow"