Am I Wrong

[agg28]

Hello, I am a newbie to this forum and have read a lot of post and found them very helpful. Here is a little about my situation. My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We have 3 children ages 16, 13 and 11. We married after dating for only 8 months. He has always had a problem with alcohol. He has had 3 DUI's. 2 prior to our marriage that I did not found out about until later. After our son was born, he quit. A few years ago , he started again. It's not an everyday thing. But there has been times when we were short on money and he had to buy it. After we were married a couple of years. He developed the habit where he only bathed 2 times a month or when he though he might get some if he did. It is really embarrassing to my children and I. It did me no good to say anything to him about it. It has been years since I have seen him hug his children or tell them that he loves them. The only thing he can really do is find time to criticize them. He has called them very bad names, told them they are worthless etc. It makes me hate him for that. For months all he does is hang out with his neighbor friend. For the past 2 weeks we have not spoken because of an incident that happened with one of our children. The other day he told me we should get a divorce because some things are just irreversible. He is referring to the fact that I would not put up with his crap when he called me a slut, a whore etc. and won't always side with him when I know damn well he is wrong. Their is no excuse for treating children that way. Now he says someone told him that I slept with someone else, which is a lie. I think it is just a cop out to get a divorce. I have wanted one for years and he would just try and be nice for a while. I really think he just wants to be able to drink when he wants and hang out with his friends. I don't claim to be perfect, but I would just like some other peoples opinion on this matter. Thank you very much for your help.

[LakesideDream]

Sounds like you have done everything a person could do, more than most would have in your situation. There is no reason for you to but up with an abusive relationship.

 

From what you write your husband is abusing both you and your children with his behavior. You didn't mention if he's employed, however it's difficult to believe that someone who bathes twice a month could hold a job anywhere besides the county dump.

 

If you are thinking of attempting to save the relationship (and thereby your husband) you are a brave woman. I wish you luck.

 

If you are looking for support in breaking ties and beginning a new life, you have come to the right place. You will find many "good eggs" here at LoveShack, a place to vent, and much support. Keep posting and you will see.

 

Oh and ... Welcome to LoveShack.

[Gunny376]

I'd kick his nasty, drunk, @ss to the curb like kicking a bad habit ~ and do it while your still young to find yourself someone new.

 

Bathes twice a month? Yea we occasionally had one of those nasty #$^&*(& in the Corps. We used to drag them in the shower in their skivvies and scrub them down with scuzz brushes (think floor scrubbing brushes with hard bristles) and Comet! By God by the time we got done with them they had a real pretty picture in their heads about daily hygiene!

 

Drunks? We had a program for them as well? Try going for a six mile run at O'dark thirty six days a week with a hang over in the rain, sleet and snow at sub-frezzing tempertures? You fell out? You got tugged and drugged along the way, there wasn't any stopping to puke your guts out!

 

The only place I've ever called my XHEX a slut, whore was in my own private thoughts ~ never to my children, and never to her face. Just in my own mind! I've never verbalized it in public. Not to anyone!

 

The question that you pose to us here, isn't should you leave this @sshat, but how are you going to make it in this economy with three children and if anyone would want someone such as yourself with three children?

 

While the question should be, what is in the best interest of those three children and yourself?

 

News Flash for you! If someone can cross hundreds of miles of desert from Mexico/Central America with nothing but the clothes on thier back and with children in tow, buy a car/truck, find a job to support themselves and their children, buy a house ~ then you can make it without said @sshat! It might be hard and difficult? But you can do it!

 

I look at it this way? Either be part of the solution to the problem and/or part of the answer to the question? Or be gone! Your either a liability or an asset?

 

Me? I don't drag "dead horses" around everywhere I go!

 

What was? Was!

 

What is? IS!

 

What will be? Will be!

 

BY GOD ALMIGHTY!

[hopesndreams]

Am I Wrong

 

Wrong about what? Wrong that you don't want to put up with his abusive ways to you and your children? It would be wrong if you continue to put up with it. If he doesn't change his ways and you no longer want to keep waiting for him to change his ways, then it's time to get out. From my perspective from what you wrote, he won't change, in fact, he'll get worse. Do you love him? Do you want him to quit his drinking, quit being abusive and be the man you want him to be? Then leave his sorry a*s or start putting your plans in action to leave his sorry a*s. Maybe, just maybe, he will then change, but if you are sticking around, putting up with his sh*t, there is no chance in hell he ever will.

[skywriter]

Everyone has given you brilliant advice. I know, my ex-H did the exact same thing to me and our two children.

 

Your kids are depending on you to be the rational parent here. If you wouldn't leave for yourself right now, leave or have him leave for their best interest. Eventually you'll be able to love yourself properly after he is out and you can heal.

 

In fact, you'll feel an immediate relief, followed by moments of grief, just hang on, it's all part of the process. Try to focus on the important things, like making it. Surround yourself with as many positive people as you can. Eat healthy and go out for walks everyday. Don't dwell on what you cannot change, think about what you can change and change it.

 

I'm just trying to think about how I handled it when my ex-H put me through this. I was fortunante that he actually initiated the split. Then I was devastated, because the worse he got, the more I sunk my feet in and tried to hold it together.

 

We had bought a house and completely gutted it and remodeled it, so I was determined not to walk away. He left and I managed to keep the kids in our home and finish getting them through school. It took two jobs and a strong determination. If I can do it, anybody can.

 

Your husband needs help. You can't make him get it and you can't let the fact that you can't help him, consume your life and thoughts. Find a family member or friend that will keep steering you to do what's best for your self and your kids.

 

Don't take anything your H says to heart. Remind yourself it's not so much him as it is the addiction, maybe depression as well.

[flash582]

OK ... you have questions, and god bless you for that.

 

You need to go see two people, in this order.

 

1.) A good Therapist (there are a lot of free resources out there). They will help you pull your head together and help you decide the best course of action for you and your kids.

 

2.) A good Divorce Attorney. They will let you know what your rights are.

 

No one should put up with being abused. No one. He's projecting his own negative feelings about himself onto you and your kids. That's not going to stop until he's clean and sober, and starts giving a crap about himself again.

 

You can't make him go there, you can only suggest it.

 

A good Therapist would ask you why your putting up with such a toxic environment for you and your kids. You wouldn't let them live in a toxic waste dump, would you? This situation is a toxic waste dump for their minds.

 

A good Divorce Attorney will tell you that you don't have to put up with this type of behavior like a stone around your ankle, dragging you and the kids to places you don't want to go.

 

Get out ..... save a few bucks and buy a couple of new outfits, get a free makeover, have your nails done, start eating healthier, workout a few days a week even if it's just walking with the kids around the block. But raise your head up high when you walk ..... be proud of who you are and your inner strength.

 

These things will remind you of your self esteem and give you a boost.

 

You don't HAVE to take this crap.

[RecordProducer]

So what's your question? Are you wrong? About what? His reasons for divorce?

 

So, you'v wanted a divorce for years, but now it hurts you that HE wants it, too?

 

I think he is tired of being looked down on by you - I don't blame you. The worst thing is that he's a bad father. I'd kick him out in a heartbeat if I were you.

[agg28]

I want to thank you all for your input on this. Your advice means the world. I know in my heart that I should have ended it a long time ago. He threatened me with a lot of different things. He actually said that we should get a divorce the other day. Which was a relief to me. He wants me to go to the same attorney as him, which I don't think I should do. I am not worried about finding anyone else or worried if anyone will ever want me. That is the least of my concerns. My only concerns are my children leading a happy life and me finding peace and contentment in my life. I have just never been on my own, and that is what scares me the most. Other women in this world have done it and I have faith in myself that I can do it. I realize that sometimes to get to a better place in life you have to go through some struggles. I just for the life of me couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong for a long time. He had everything 3 great kids, a wife who works full time and takes care of everything. I have done everything I possibly can.

[RecordProducer]

My only concerns are my children leading a happy life and me finding peace and contentment in my life.

THAT, you're more likely to find without a husband than with a crappy husband.

 

I have just never been on my own, and that is what scares me the most.

Sometimes when you expect to struggle, it doesn't feel like much of a struggle. If you work full-time and have a decent income, you'll be fine. I feel terrible for your kids. That's something that you should never compromise on. The moment you stay by yourself, you'll feel much better. You'll find your peace and you and your children will be a happy family. Your only concern right now should be to provide financial security for your family, including finding a good lawyer and getting child support from the bum. An expensive attorney can save you much more in the long run, not to mention the fact that men are scared sh*tless of prominent lawyers.

 

Once you secure your family financially, everything will be wonderful, you'll see. I guarantee you. The only thing that represents an obstacle for every divorcing woman is the change in living standard - if any. Trust me, there is no other struggle. You will get over him in no time. Even if that means a year or two. As Socrates said, "God save me (and I would add: my beloved ones, too) from physical pain, I can save myself from emotional pain." It's actually sad to predict that you will feel like you've wasted years of your life on a loser like your husband.

[marlena]

THAT, you're more likely to find without a husband than with a crappy husband.

 

 

Absolutely. It will liberate you and in time you will feel strong, happy and at peace with yourself. More importantly, so will your children. One day, you will look back and wonder why you put up with the abuse for so long. And you will be proud that you had the stamina to walk out and spare your children much pain and trauma.