My parents don't trust him anymore

[sahansen]

Since I am going to the local college, I still live with my parents at home. They treat me like I am not an adult, and somehow I still get grounded.

 

Here's the problem: Yesterday my boyfriend was having a bonfire and I really wanted to go, but I knew that they wouldn't allow it. I lied to them and told them that I was going to be having a bonfire at my best friend's house and that I was just going to be staying over at her place after it was done. My mom was driving around and saw my car at my boyfriends house this morning, and she started freaking out. She thinks I am this big whore who just messed up the whole family. My parents also think that it was completely my boyfriends house and that he should have stopped me before I lied to them. The truth is, he DID try stopping me, saying that I was going to be getting myself into trouble. I know I should have listened to him, but I didn't.

 

So now my parents completely hate him, saying that if he ever shows up on their property again they will be super mad at him. I have tried to tell them the truth, telling them that it was only MY idea, and that he had no say in the matter (which was true). They also want me to break up with him, but I am not going to.

 

This guy means the world to me, and we have talked about marriage and everything. I have dated a lot of guys in my past, but no guy makes me feel the way that he does. I love this guy with all my heart, and I couldn't stand to have to leave him and try to move on. I want to marry and start a family with this guy, but now my parents don't trust him even though it was completely my fault. I will do whatever it takes to keep this relationship going.

 

What do I do? Do I let my parents cool down for a while and then try bringing him out to the house again? Do I make my boyfriend take all the blame and have him come out and apologize for something he didn't even do?

[theraven]

Definitely let your parents calm down for a little bit... DON'T make your boyfriend take all the blame!!! That would not be smart. Let your parents calm down for a bit, then talk to them about it. What I would do for you is pick your mom or dad, whichever one you feel most comfortable talking with. Preferably whichever one is less mad right now. If this were to happen to me, I would pick my mother because she is a calm person, unlike my dad who is a psycho haha. So pick either your mother or father. Talk to them alone and let them know what really happened. Tell them it was all your fault, and that he didn't even want you to come over cause he knew you would get in trouble. Be honest and be sincere. Make her believe you... I promise they will come around. Your boyfriend will just have to gain the trust back, and it WILL happen, I know from experience. Just be patient. Give a little time then talk to them. I'm sure everything will turn out just fine. The same thing happened with me and m girlfriend happened and her father told me straight to my face that he doesnt trust me anymore. That was about 6 months ago and now he trust me with his daughters life

[Athena]

I would have your boyfriend come over to your house (show up unexpectedly when both parents are at home but you are not) and man-to-man talk this out with them... when I was 21 and my mother found out I wanted to go to visit my then b/f (now H) parents with him in a neighboring country, she freaked out and said NO to me!

He then dropped me off at college, turned around drove right back, rang the doorbell, and when my mother answered the door he said, "Mrs. >>, I am in love with your daughter and I intend to do right by her. (... other stuff I don't know, but it made an impression on my mom, cuz even though I didn't go with him on THAT visit, I did on his next trip!)

[samsungxoxo]

Wow it's annoying how parents get so involved on this. It's you choosing the person you wanna be with not them. I think that at age 18 they should let you handle your life since you ain't no minor no more.

 

Anyways give it out and hopefully it'll get better and if it doesn't then let them know that you chose him not them. It's you kissing him not them.

[Ronni_W]

Do I let my parents cool down for a while and then try bringing him out to the house again? Do I make my boyfriend take all the blame and have him come out and apologize for something he didn't even do?

Neither one of those is really assertive, adult behaviour. (And you would be ASKING your b/f to do that, not "making" him .)

 

Yes, wait for them to calm down. And then apologize for lying to them, and respectfully express your opinion that it is unfair for them to make your b/f the "bad guy" when he is not that, in fact and reality.

 

Then ask that what YOU can do, to help your parents see you as the responsible young adult that you want to be, and also how YOU can help them get to know your b/f better so that they can learn to trust him, too.

 

Ask what are their greatest concerns for you, express gratitude that they care and just want the best for you, ask about/negotiate ways that you can help to alleviate their anxiety while also being able to grow and expand in normal and healthy ways.

 

Of course you have the right to choose your b/f but going in with an attitude of rebellion and stubbornness (which is how parents see, "I'm keeping this relationship no matter what you think and say!"), and acting more childlike than adult (which is how parents interpret you lying to them) will just end up working against your own goals and desires.

 

Communicate and collaborate with them. Point out that they've done a good job raising you, and show that to be true. Demonstrate your values, trustworthiness, common sense, etc.

As the saying goes, "you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar"

[TwinkletOes26]

Sweetie if your parents are like my mom then the best thing to do is next semester try to get a room on campus(take out a loan or do finacial aid) if they ask why say you wanna be closer to your classes and you want to be able to be involved with on campus activities. Then you can do what cha want and most campuses have a policy that people even rents that dont go to school there cant just wander the property which is a biggggg plus .