Am I being unreasonable

[Chat]

So my partner popped the question on my birthday. I moved to France to be with him after meeting in Australia, he is without doubt the love of my life.

 

So we announce to the family. They are happy and not suprised. His father offers to walk me down the aisle as my Father & Mother passed in '08, I tell him that I would like him to wear a Kilt (I being Scottish) that my partner and his groomsmen and my attending male family will be wearing one, he is reluctant but I figure its because he is French and isnt used to the idea of a kilt.

 

The wedding is May next year, two days after the engagement my partners mother informs that it is going to take more convincing to get his father to wear it - I explain that it is important to me, her response is this "but what if we had some traditional french clothing and we asked your overseas guests to wear it?" I said they would because they would respect the traditions - just I respect everything french - that I am doing everything the french way bar the kilts.

 

His sister's opinion is thus "Why should dad wear a kilt, he is french and we are not in Scotland"

 

His grandmothers opinion is - "My son wont wear a kilt"

 

The whole idea seems ridiculous and stupid to them. I am upset and hurt by this!

 

I have moved to france, given up everything I know, I owned, my friends, comfort everything to be here with their son. I cant work right now because my French isnt good enough, I have no friends here and its not easy making friends with french women...believe me! And its been trying, my Father died two weeks before I was due here, and we had to catch the next flight out to the UK for his funeral from Aus. It has been a trying year - they know this.

 

I upset because further to this - we are not just two people being married but two cultures - and they seem to think mine is a joke. That after all the sacrafices I have made to be here - they cant do this one thing for us on our special day. Im at a loss!!

 

I realise I cant force him, nor is it my nature to - but where do I go from here - I know its just a kilt - but I feel like my Scottish heritage is all I have left in my identity!

[FairyTale73]

So my partner popped the question on my birthday. I moved to France to be with him after meeting in Australia, he is without doubt the love of my life.

 

So we announce to the family. They are happy and not suprised. His father offers to walk me down the aisle as my Father & Mother passed in '08, I tell him that I would like him to wear a Kilt (I being Scottish) that my partner and his groomsmen and my attending male family will be wearing one, he is reluctant but I figure its because he is French and isnt used to the idea of a kilt.

 

The wedding is May next year, two days after the engagement my partners mother informs that it is going to take more convincing to get his father to wear it - I explain that it is important to me, her response is this "but what if we had some traditional french clothing and we asked your overseas guests to wear it?" I said they would because they would respect the traditions - just I respect everything french - that I am doing everything the french way bar the kilts.

 

His sister's opinion is thus "Why should dad wear a kilt, he is french and we are not in Scotland"

 

His grandmothers opinion is - "My son wont wear a kilt"

 

The whole idea seems ridiculous and stupid to them. I am upset and hurt by this!

 

I have moved to france, given up everything I know, I owned, my friends, comfort everything to be here with their son. I cant work right now because my French isnt good enough, I have no friends here and its not easy making friends with french women...believe me! And its been trying, my Father died two weeks before I was due here, and we had to catch the next flight out to the UK for his funeral from Aus. It has been a trying year - they know this.

 

I upset because further to this - we are not just two people being married but two cultures - and they seem to think mine is a joke. That after all the sacrafices I have made to be here - they cant do this one thing for us on our special day. Im at a loss!!

 

I realise I cant force him, nor is it my nature to - but where do I go from here - I know its just a kilt - but I feel like my Scottish heritage is all I have left in my identity!

 

Chat,

 

you are stressed . And your stress is indeed much . I am sorry and feel for you ,

but

a kilt is YOUR heritage,

it is not your boyfriend`s parents` heritage .

And it is really unreasonable to get stressed and hurt because of the reactions of your future relatives in law as their reaction is very reasonable .

They are not Scottish,why should they wear kilts just because You Want it ? If they do not want and they feel not comfortable with it - it does not mean they disrespect you,dear . That means they just respect their own traditions just like You respect yours own .

And there is nothing here to get hurt about .

 

 

 

Best of Luck !

[Chat]

Ah I understand what your saying but perhaps I should explain why I asked him to - because he is giving me away.

 

He is filling the role of my Father - and I want him to wear the kilt as my Father would have - he is not here to fill his role and as my future FIL is willing to take his place I asked for the kilt - I always envisioned that when I was given away it would of been my Father in his kilt - and of course my future FIL is not my father - but I want some part of it to represent him....does that makes sense?

 

Im not asking any other members of the family to put on a kilt.

[michelangelo]

Clearly, you miss your father. But this is asking too much of someone.

 

In fact, you are poisoning relations with your future inlaws over this.

 

I suggest you have him walk you down the aisle while bagpipes play (in honor of your father).

[Stung]

well, i'll have to disagree with others somewhat here. not that i'm advocating turning this into some kind of warfare between yourself and your in-laws, as that would clearly be counter-productive, but i can definitely understand where you are coming from. you have given up your home, your family and friends, even your language, and if you are really having the rest of the ceremony done in a french fashion it doesn't seem like a crazy thing to ask that the man standing in for your father could be flexible enough to wear the traditional garb your father would have worn. i don't think the request itself is unreasonable, although it's somewhat unusual...after all, this wedding is about the blend of two families, two heritages, two traditions. it sounds like his family is being kind of insensitive about this whole thing, if they are coming off to you as being belittling/condescending, which is the sense i get from your post. you've had a hard year, you feel like you're more than bending over backwards in accomodating to your french life, you're stressed and hurt, and i think it's understandable that you're feeling upset.

 

however, it doesn't sound like they're likely to budge, and if you want to marry this man, you do NOT want to alienate his entire family. the groom's father has made up his mind, and at this point it sounds like a central issue to this fight has become not the kilt, but control. and you might have to let go of it, a little bit.

 

a hard truth about weddings is that while there are entire industries built around it being 'the bride's perfect day' so girls grow up dreaming everything will be as they envision it, when it gets down to the wire you'll end up with a dozen friends and relatives getting involved, insisting on this or that detail or refusing something else, and it never ends up quite the way you wanted it to. i'm in the middle of planning my wedding, too, and i have been yanked this way and that. i've given up on many important details to me, and compromised on many others, and as something of a control-freak myself, sometimes it's downright depressing (despite the fact that i'm still ecstatic about the actual marriage itself).

 

a previous poster mentioned using bagpipes as the wedding music, which i believe is an excellent idea. you also mentioned that your groom himself is wearing the kilt, as are several other members of the wedding party and your visiting relatives. your groom is wearing the kilt, that's fantastic! there, THAT'S the blending of the families and heritages that you were seeking, and it's coming from the one who really matters. that is your groom showing his love for you and where you come from. can't that be enough? believe me, nobody is really going to be looking at the groom's father when he's walking you down the aisle, all eyes will be on the bride. and remember, in walking you down the aisle he is just a symbol, a male signifier of a father figure, not actually representing your family and heritage.

 

there are also alternatives. probably the most peacable compromise at this advanced point would be walking with the groom's father, but carrying some memento of your own father concealed on your person, or binding your bouquet with a strip or tartan or a family crest or something. i don't know, get creative. maybe you could ask him to wear a tartan sash or cummerbund or tie instead of a kilt. if none of that will work, and if it won't upset the groom and his father too much, you might consider asking your closest male relative to walk you down the aisle instead. do you have any uncles or cousins you might feel more comfortable with in this role? would you be able to suggest this without fear of reprisal? what about walking down the aisle by yourself, as an independent woman? i'd we leery of those last options now though because it's a rejection of your father-in-law after already accepting his offer, and he's likely to be offended.

 

if the overall family pressures are really building to a head and your wedding is going to actually make you miserable, you might consider eloping. only you can know what the impact of that would ultimately be: for some people it's a drastic step that unfortunately upsets both families, for others it's just a practical way to avoid the inevitable stress of big-wedding planning, and their families are just as happy to avoid the fancy wedding stuff. i was originally planning to elope, because i wanted the intimacy and romance of it and hassle-free wedding planning, and because i had a tiny, faraway chapel that had actual significance to me in mind, but my family caught wind of the plans and started sticking their noses in and now here i am being forced into a local ceremony and then a big reception i don't even want and hate the idea of spending good potential honeymoon-extending money on, but there it is...i had to take a step back and choose a compromise that would keep the peace, mostly for the sake of my son.

 

anyway, talk to your groom. talk to him not about the kilt itself (at least not at first), but about how much you miss your father, and how hard it is for you in france, and about ways you can get along better with his family. tell him you've been frustrated and hurt and you just need him to listen to and support you for a while. talk to him about ways your wedding details can be compromised on. see if you can get away for a weekend just the two of you, sometimes you get better perspective when you're refreshed. and give yourself a few days to think about new ways to solve this problem. if, ultimately, the biggest thing that goes wrong with your wedding is that you couldn't control your father-in-law's pants, you're doing quite well.

 

good luck.