Stress with long distance... gone bad.

[sm0ked]

Hi. I'm Tonya, 23, Uni student.

 

So I guess only read Part 1 if you don't like long reads. ALSO can I specify that telling me to "move on" is a bit redundent. I'm aware I have to get on with my life, but respect that I'm really looking for hope or at least ideas on salvaging whatever I can. You're an angel if you read this.

 

PART 1 [short-ish and sweet err sour]: Basically, guy friend [23] liked me [23] for over two years, I start liking him back after a couple of years, we decided to give a relationship a go but before that can happen he got deported to china and needs a job/money to get back into the UK (lives ten minute from me). Things went well in the relationship for the first few months, we gamed together, talked lots about more intimate stuff and I was even interested in learning mandarin. He seemed more irritable since being there though, increasingly so. Then lots of drama happened, somewhat my insecurity/expectations but also his stubbornness and lack of communication skills as well as his general superiority/hypocrisy traits. I'm not kidding, he is the embodiment of stubborn. He's soft on the outside, hard on the inside, I'm apparently hard on the outside with a soft centre. x_X

 

Note: This was always long distance, but we talked a LOT and over a long time, as well as on Skype/etc lots. He lived ten minutes away but I refused meeting. He was always all over me but it was one-sided, we really got close [more than friends] since September shortly before he was deported. Guess he got under my skin, and I was already well under his. He was almost obsessed with me. But... I was so casual in the early days, and more so during friendship years.

 

To cut a long story short, in December he got stressed from my nitpicking/overreactions he basically needed space because my stressing him put him back on headache meds (wtf). So I respected space thing, despite not understanding. He said I should make myself vulnerable, not be guarded, yet at the same time he said I was "too serious too soon", that it takes two to tango, but I don't think I said/did anything he didn't. o.O

 

We did better in January, gaming together and talking/etc, but another little fight ruined that, and he became distant again, despite a couple of days a week later where we Skype/cam'd and he was all over me some more. Then another little argument, more him being distant. Feeling ignored one day before Valentines, I emailed him, pouring my heart out about my frustrations, didn't go down well since he claimed those messages only repel people, and how he's already said about distance and how I can't expect him to want to "jump into" something like what we were before space ordeal (basically repeating explanation from December). We were still talking, albeit casual. -_- Mid-February we argued more [silly little fights he initiated] he started giving me the silent treatment (well, neither of us spoke)... for a month. Why? - my MSN said that he'd deleted me (I asked about it, he was like "*confused emote* So what now?"). So yes. I messaged him few days ago, sick of not knowing what's up, and he soon replied...

 

He said that it wasn't one huge pull, it was a massive list of little things. He compared it all to a rubber band, saying how with no time to recover from the little fights and general problems [explained in later part of this message, if you could at least glimpse through] that elastic band snapped. Said that he knows he tried hard because I put him back on his headache medication (December), (yeah, like taking up smoking again and change in diet can't possibly be the reason. -_-) He ALSO said that no matter what he does it won't help, and that he doesn't know what he can do, or what can be done.

 

 

So all in all: he's deleted me on MSN [not blocked] and after above reply, he deleted me on Skype. -__- However he's not [yet] deleted me anywhere else, FB, MS, YT, etc. So I guess what I'm asking is, well I'm not entirely sure... I really miss him. After over two years of not caring much for him except as a casual friend, he became a lot more and I feel so stupid for letting myself feel that way again after the last heartbreak. Am I wrong to hope that when he gets back home that things might get better? Is space really make or break? He's really hurt me, though. I must be mad for not hating him. -_-

 

I'm guessing... I just give him space, or at least don't contact him at all. Which I don't plan on doing again. Guess that's his place. Plus what could I say to how he's been acting since February. -__-

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PART 2: Extended version... [if you can stomach confusing reads!]

I've known this guy for two years, he always liked me, always been flirty and let me know he likes me but I never felt the same. So we were casual gaming buddies although he helped me through a tough times with an "ex", who perpetually let me down, ran off and hurt me. Anyway I guess I really did get over my ex because I started liking this guy, so we started dating, but it was long distance because he was to be deported to HK before we got to make anything happen. He needs money before he can get back. Sooo, late October and November we were good, we even sent each other stuff. December went bad...

 

Sidenote: He's managed to break down a lot of barriers I'd put up since the last guy. But I've got issues.

1. I tend to get paranoid, read into things and all that stuff.

2. I apparently give off mixed messages. Getting back from December surgery I said to him "I may have missed you", and he was like "You either did or you didn't" in an amused way, but eventually he was irked: "ugh you can't expect me to get your mixed messages if you think we're something" then came massive revealing of his frustration and the fact he was put on old headache meds that coincide with my spazzes. [He put that on me and my drama]

3. For some reason I fail at starting conversations, it's like I'm guarded or something. I didn't prompt him to get on Skype, or seem capable of approaching issues the right way.

4. A couple of his comments: "You know if you're going to be someone's gf/bf then you're supposed to make yourself vulnerable so that person can see who you really are." and "Sometimes you say things like I'm gonna take the piss out of you." [no idea wtf that all meant]

 

Background

? In December I was getting stressed/issue-y. I get aggravated over nothing, and we had a few arguments/misunderstandings. He's usually such a sweet and friendly guy but it's like I bring out an irritable defensive jerk sometimes. IMs seemed to cause miscommunication, despite regularly using skype.

 

? Night before my minor surgery [mid Dec], I ran off without saying bye or anything because I thought he was ignoring me to talk to his friends [stupid, I know, he was helping a friend with his business]. It must have effected him on top of other spazzes I had, because when I got back on the 17th he said I'd helped put him back on his old headache meds. I think I got paranoid because when he stopped calling me "babe" after a few arguments, or when I thought he was ignoring me [which he's pointed out a few times, frustrates him] which all stemmed from more miscommunication [thanks MSN -_-]. I just get so possessive, ahead of myself. He already said in early relationship that he was hesitant about me because virgins usually get clingy or something so he usually runs off from them. Saying that, I did nothing he didn't do! So chasing seems detrimental.

 

? He said he "needed space" so I gave it, albeit with hiccups at first. This happened at Christmas, we did talk but it was brief every so many days and he initiated conversation. He did the whole happy Christmas thing and we chatted. His FB statuses were odd, like "wonder if it will happen again this year" [previously he gets ditched on NewYear]. On New Years he mentioned the ring I gave him [he gave me one, too, non-marriage btw] He said that his friend's psychic mother [wtf] said "That's really nice, the girl who gave you that must really like you." and went on to describe me physically, and said that I was in pain. Not sure if he was using her as a cover for himself.

 

? So we were talking more, gaming, back to normal-ish, though with his irritability still mildly there. To try to help matters, I sent him a letter in mid Jan with some things, nice, non-whiny sort of "I understand and I'm sorry" thing. He seemed to like it but he really didn't respond to points I hoped he would. Silly of me to expect anything, I know.

 

? We got really friendly again in January [maybe too soon?] and spent more and more time together like before, but I seemed to become demanding again and he pulled away at the end of January after a fight. See, I was stressed about Uni and he wanted me to download some online private server game so we could play together. Anyway I it came to this: "I know. I'm not stupid" -me, to something he kept pestering about... He replied, "If you're going to take your stress out on me, watch for the backlash" even though HE always took stress out on me. x_X So past issues were brought up, and finally he said, "If I were to be whoever I am instead of a nicer person as to who you'd like me to be with your 'feedbacks', I don't think anything will go far." and he went offline. -_- The irony here is he's the one saying I should be less opinionated, and basically to not try helping. We didn't talk for 6 days until I spoke to him first.

 

? A week later we got back on track again and we were Skyping as normal, then ANOTHER little argument on MSN [as always]. This time ending a bit like "I didn't mean it like that, but ok" - me. "ok" -him.

 

? So! Next day his Facebook status reads "afk for a few days, back soon". When he got back, he didn't say anything to me, just poked me back [we perpetually do that] and was posting YouTube links on there. I get upset over things like that... admittedly I'm really clingy or rather I take it as a personal snub. -_- That's when I sent the email... and things all went downhill.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

PART 3 [End bit - feel free to skip gruelling above history]

Know what there's just so much stuff...

 

1) Because he was acting so distant after the "ok" shrug-off, I emailed him. It was a drunk email but it did make sense, apparently not to him though. I pointed out how I didn't like the fact that if we're not "proper gf/bf" yet [his words] until he gets back to the UK, why is it he keeps wanting phone sex, and WHY does he act so hot and cold, like... our arguments seem more toxic to him than to me. He seems defensive, like I'm trying to change him? =/

 

2) Email didn't go down well. I yet again initiated talk [stupid, I know]. He said messages like that only repel people, because what can anyone do to messages like that where he doesn't understand what I'm trying to say. [i suspect think in late January he may have seen rant on a site we both use, but they weren't harsh ones, more like "wtf is going ON"] I'm stupid for doing that stuff, I know. Maybe it really does throw people off?

 

3) Mid February: MSN Plus says I'm not on his MSN, I ask what's up [panicked when he was offline and typed "=/"] and he was like "*confused emote*" so I showed him a screenshot of it and he said "So what now?" and I replied "Nothing. Was looking to see if someone still had me on their list and noticed it said you don't." and he didn't reply. Then month of silence. Really didn't expect that from him, so things must have built up worse than I thought. ^ Reading all that I seem really clingy and overreaction kinda thing. ugh.

 

4) Him deleting my old MSN deletions did it. Few days back, I emailed him asking what was going on, saying how unlike him this was, etc. ... He replied saying it wasn't one giant thing, it was little things over all this time that finally nudged him to this, and he doesn't know what he can do or what can be done, that "that rubber band snapped". -_- So I noticed then he'd deleted me from Skype after sending it. Feels like he really hates me to be that vindictive. Seems vindictive anyway. Certainly wasn't so he didn't have to see my name, maybe more symbolic?

 

This is messing me up, I feel like I'm gonna explode. It's only since distance/relationship that things got rough… I dunno which made it worse.

I really like him, we click so well but just seem to have such different communication styles and issues since distance/relationship. [Me Libra, he Scorpio, if you're into starsigns] In short... I do want him back, but more than that I want him to feel that way. I just, want the guy I've known these years back, not this angry person who's crept in somewhere along the time of us being "together" and yet "apart".

 

Anyone have opinion on this? Experience with it? Ideas for if/when he gets back to the UK? And just... is it hopeless? Am I supposed to hate him for what he's done? Even if I've been unbearable?

[Els]

I'm so sorry I haven't been able to take the time to read your entire post and formulate some good advice -- been a rough day for me, but but I see noone's replied yet so I'd like to put in a short one anyway.

 

Many of your little arguments seemed to stem from chat messaging, on MSN. You already mentioned that you both had Skype. Why were you still using MSN so much then? Text is a bitch, as you well know. Messages arrive late, aren't received, it's so easily misunderstood, you can't see their expression... I don't think I need to go on. So many things can go wrong over text that I wouldn't even know if my SO was being angry and resentful, or if he was just hurting and trying to discuss stuff.

 

If you ever find a way to contact him and sort things out, please don't let it be by email/MSN. Phone him if you must. Keep to the phone as much as you can.

 

Sorry, I know that isn't nearly sufficient advice, but it stood out very prominently in my mind after skimming through your post. I wish you all the best!

[nadya]

Tonya..

firstly i can relate about the 'tend to get paranoid' and that my man is MR stubborn himself.

Now i dont think i need to tell you that woman are somtimes sooo dumb.

i mean i have read your entire thread and at times i thought you are crazy to not be furious at him,then i quiet up and realise that my bf have done so much more 'worse stuff' to me and here i am.still with him.

So you know you have to move on,though it is soooo hard.i would love to tell you my love story,but its gonna take a while.just note that we did long distance,moved in together,i could not cope,broke up,came back home,decided to try again,found out i was pregnant,new religion,he left me again, and so on and on and on.

thats why i love reading threads coz we can relate so much more than we think.

Love on its own is a bugger,and to crown it LDR is so much worse.

Everyone (including me) said...ITS FINE OUR RELATIONSHIP IS STRONG ENOUGH)

yes you may have been through allot but if it doesnt last it doesnt.The mistake i am making at this moment is not to take no for a answer,so by that im screwing up whatever chances i have,i know that but still dont stop.plus the hormones with pregnancy makes it worse

 

my point is that he wanted space,and frankly indirectly said very hurtfull things to you.now its time for you to listen to that little voice.what are you going to do?do you feel that it is worth it to fight for him,or do you feel that its worth letting go.sometimes love is one long fight,and we as woman mostly fight for what we want,when we have to remember that men are hunters but i mean wtf how is he going to hunt me from so far.ASK yourself the Qs out loud in privacy,it helps if you hear the words.

 

Do you love him enough,because any LDR will have some kind of emotional or phiscal issues,and we need to know what we let ourselfes into beforehand...espessially the man.scuse my spelling im typing very fast,coz im at work.

 

Tonya you are far from alone,an you need to know that doesnt matter how much damage you take with this,sometime from now it wil get better.

But for now,as a woman,you can hurt,you can cry,be affraid and angry,but never let your head down in shame!!!

 

All the best to you

[Island Girl]

Well hello there

 

I have quite a bit of experience with the angry guy coming out and having to get back the guy I know so well over the miles and miles that separate us.

 

In fact I will be attempting the things that usually work with him later on today.

 

All I can tell you is that both of you have issues.

 

Long distance is difficult but one only has the best chance if each person is willing to be absolutely vulnerable.

Sometimes it is really painful and scary to be as open as we need to be to really say what we are thinking or how we are feeling. But it is necessary and in this way LDRs can allow two people to get a lot more intimate than they would have had they been in close proximity.

 

That spells in a nutshell why he finds dealing with you difficult.

As you have said you have already stated you know this. But over and over at each opportunity you have not done this.

 

As far as he is concerned, he plays the "Blame Game" when it comes to his own issues like his headaches. And that is just what has come out of him. There may be quite a bit more that he finds you at fault for or at least partially.

The relationship and the stress may be blamed for his unhappiness instead of looking at the overall good and then just addressing the problems.

This is not something you can or could help him with unfortunately. The best you could have done is pointed it out and not allowed blame to be put upon your shoulders.

But that opportunity has passed.

 

It seems each time you have actually had the same problem. The surrounding circumstances of how it raises it's ugly head change but you have basic miscommunication and neither one of you choose the path of least resistance but instead just butt heads and then ignore it in the conversations after. But soon, there it is again because it has never been resolved.

 

He has said clearly what he wanted and you made no accommodation.

He has told you he does not like clingy women (hence him being SO interested when you weren't) yet you lost your original spirit and became exactly that.

 

<This is not just an issue in this relationship BTW but will be in the future if you do not address it.>

 

So where do you go from here. Well I am sorry to say you are at a standstill.

 

One thing is for certain you can not be the first to contact.

If you do it just reminds him of that desperation he dislikes and that is not what you want.

So you must wait for him to make contact.

And in the meantime you must move on as if he will never.

 

If eventually he does extend himself you are going to have to get a lot more comfortable with very clear expression of your feelings. I mean a confidence in openness.

Of course you won't be jumping right back in.

 

And in all actuality it just may be too difficult for you to be what he wants. Because he wants someone who is completely vulnerable yet not clingy - not feeling weakness from the exposure. Strong and independent yet vulnerable to him.

That is like walking a tightrope.

And believe me I know that is what my husband gets from me and it is not easy AT ALL because my strong independent nature does not lend itself to vulnerability.

One thing I am not is clingy or desperate and he has had and discarded plenty of these kinds of girls.

 

I don't know how you begin to fix that because I have never been that way.

I realize you weren't before because of lack of interest.

So I don't know what happened within you that suddenly switched. You could better explain that than I.

 

You have written so much and I have responded with so little but it is hard to encompass all of it at once.

 

I think you get the basic idea though.

[sm0ked]

Thank you.

 

Elswyth - Sorry you had a bad day. Yes the IM was pretty much the only place we argued. I definitely won't be contacting him though, I think it is his place if he cares about me enough to talk at some point.

 

nadya - I am angry with him, the way he handled things and treated me at times was wrong, regardless of his frustration with me. What am I gonna do? - I know I can't fight, it's not my place to do anything after how he's left things. It's just so difficult because I never thought he would do this to me, and still don't understand what this "massive list of little things" is. It'd be interesting to know, but maybe it's not important. There's nothing I can do.

Also, I'm sure you've heard this before but if you don't mind me saying, no woman deserves to be treated like your guy is/has treated you. I hope someone amazing comes along in your life, or that this guy stops being so lame.

 

Island Girl - Thank you. The thing is, like you I'm not the vulnerable type. I tried being vulnerable to him through email, and I think on MSN, but to be honest I don't understand what "being vulnerable" entails. He has said that I'm "guarded" and "defensive" but I can't see it. He once said something about how gf/bfs make themselves vulnerable so they can see that person for who they are, and that sometimes when I say things it's like I think he's gonna take the piss out of me. Unfortunately, I just don't know what is meant by things like "vulnerability" or "openness". =/

 

I do think the good things were clouded with all this drama and miscommunication. Issues, too. His irritability only made me a bit more cautious with him, which isn't my character at all.

 

Can I ask what you meant by "He has said clearly what he wanted and you made no accommodation." because he himself said something like "I dunno what you want. I've adapted" but again... I don't understand what you or he means. x.x Also, what might count as "clear expression of feelings"? I thought I was open with him, but in the early days he said otherwise (mixed messages thing, fallout in December that we never fully recovered from).

 

Definitely agree on the clinginess. He has stated before that he usually runs screaming from inexperienced girls because they usually become that way. I think I got so into him that I lost my cool. I felt my "spirit" changing, but with how affectionate he was, I just sort of gave in to it and at one point we were in each other's pockets 24/7. Guess they weren't good moves on my part, whether conscious or not. It starts out as overthinking, misunderstandings, things like that. I think in person I'd be much less clingy. Maybe I overcompensated for past nonchalance and the extreme distance.

 

I won't be contacting him at all. If he doesn't contact me then I guess he never liked me as much as he thought/claimed. So far he hasn't removed me anywhere but msn or skype (like that makes it any better). that could change, though.

[sm0ked]

Sorry to bump this, but I'm frustrated about things today and this stops me feeling that much more helpless... since I can't/won't even try contacting the guy. It helps hearing people's thoughts, experiences or suggestions, and now I have some idea what's happened and my own stupid issues that need zapping (including "clinginess" -.-) but it's tough.

 

He seems to be busying himself or something. He's still not removed me anywhere but skype or msn (not blocked). So fb and everywhere else I'm on his list. It just seems so final that he picked those to remove me from, but why not the others. This is so dmned horrible.

[Island Girl]

Island Girl - Thank you. The thing is, like you I'm not the vulnerable type. I tried being vulnerable to him through email, and I think on MSN, but to be honest I don't understand what "being vulnerable" entails. He has said that I'm "guarded" and "defensive" but I can't see it. He once said something about how gf/bfs make themselves vulnerable so they can see that person for who they are, and that sometimes when I say things it's like I think he's gonna take the piss out of me. Unfortunately, I just don't know what is meant by things like "vulnerability" or "openness". =/

 

I'm sorry I did not reply to this sooner. I do not know how I overlooked it and I sincerely apologize.

 

I am not normally a vulnerable person. People would however say I am open.

Openness is about telling people things about yourself or past experiences that shaped your outlook on life and molded you into who you are today.

That allows people to get to know things about you some of your perspectives, etc.

 

But vulnerability is different. To be vulnerable is to put yourself in a position where you could easily be hurt by another person.

There have been many times where I have had to put my inner feelings out there to my husband and trust that he not turn around and refuse to give me what I need or possibly use that against me.

 

Does that make any sense?

 

Sorry to bump this, but I'm frustrated about things today and this stops me feeling that much more helpless... since I can't/won't even try contacting the guy. It helps hearing people's thoughts, experiences or suggestions, and now I have some idea what's happened and my own stupid issues that need zapping (including "clinginess" -.-) but it's tough.

 

Oh sweetie! You don't need to be sorry about "bumping" this!

You have been in NC for sometime now and you haven't even posted for support!

 

And of course it is tough to internalize and address things within ourselves to get stronger or more prepared for a relationship.

 

I am glad you haven't contacted him.

I wouldn't put all of these problems on your shoulders. He could have done a much better job of communicating with you.

 

He seems to be busying himself or something. He's still not removed me anywhere but skype or msn (not blocked). So fb and everywhere else I'm on his list. It just seems so final that he picked those to remove me from, but why not the others. This is so dmned horrible.

 

Who knows why he has removed some and not others. Maybe those are the utilities that were used most often to communicate so he removed those.

Again who knows except him.

 

Good for you for not contacting him. Stay strong and don't.

 

And again I am sorry I missed your last post here.

[sm0ked]

Nothing to apologise for. I felt silly not entirely knowing what those things mean. Thank you lots for clarifying.

 

I've probably been vulnerable but I'm not sure I've been open at all. I don't tend to talk about experiences or anything like that because it just doesn't strike me to talk about stuff like that.

 

True. I have no idea what's going on with him. Or what his "huge list of little things" is that supposedly built up to make him give up on us and me.

 

Thank you, though. I don't intend to contact him. Guess it's down to him now but this is so tough.

[Island Girl]

I've probably been vulnerable but I'm not sure I've been open at all. I don't tend to talk about experiences or anything like that because it just doesn't strike me to talk about stuff like that.

 

It doesn't strike you to talk about where you've been and what you've done up to this point?

 

Some of these things could be general and not too personal. But personal things and how you reacted to the situation (decisions you made, etc.) can tell another person a lot about you.

The way you process information and how you view the world and yourself in it is a big deal.

It is who you are. The more someone knows these things the more they know you.

 

Plenty of people know some things about me. Some people know a lot about me.

 

But I'd say that my husband knows me better than anybody.

This is really due to over a years worth of handwritten letters within which I detailed my days and what went on in my head reacting to situations at work, with family, friends, etc.

He knows the way I view things and how my thought processes work.

 

That is openness.

 

True. I have no idea what's going on with him. Or what his "huge list of little things" is that supposedly built up to make him give up on us and me.

 

Thank you, though. I don't intend to contact him. Guess it's down to him now but this is so tough.

 

Well he hasn't done a very good job of communicating either.

I am at a loss as to what your conversations were actually like - even when things were good...?

But you don't need to go into it on my account.

 

I am glad you will not be contacting him. I think he needs to reach out.

Especially since he'd view you contacting him as clingy and needy.

 

It is as you said. If he really cares then he will make contact.

If not then you were just wasting more time on him.

[sm0ked]

Thank you.

 

It doesn't strike you to talk about where you've been and what you've done up to this point?

Now I think about it, I don't tend to talk about experiences and that sort of stuff. He does, about his hobbies, friends, or physical things he's doing at the time. Maybe I do seem a bit closed off but it's not intentional, I just don't think consciously about anything like that. :/ I suppose women can be a bit less physical-minded, but I'm vulnerable to him as far as I know. Althought the email(s) may have just seemed more in his face than vulnerable, initiated rather than responsive, I guess.

 

I think he has a funny idea of me sometimes, though. He either thinks I'm too aggressive and others that I mix things up which makes it hard for him to understand or follow my train of thought. I remember several times he's said to me "I don't know what you want. I've adjusted" but I don't know how much clearer I can make myself, that I'm mad about him. It's like when we had "couple" talks, I sort of hoped he understood me because I'm not great at specifying my intentions, whereas he definitely is... well, when he seemed to feel the same. He's only occasionally been open about his liking me since our December fallout.

 

Not sure how he could possibly feel the same what with shunning me like this. Seems more resigned with regard to his email reply about the band finally giving in.

 

Our conversations, we get on very well when we're on the same page and understand each other. We always have clicked, and we share the same humour despite having very different backgrounds, and we trust each other... well, definitely did at one point. However, our communication styles are quite different, makine important talks/issues volatile because we need to pull together but end up misunderstanding. I guess it's hard to do those things with distance in the way.

 

Who knows if anything will change... even when/if he gets back here.

[Island Girl]

Now I think about it, I don't tend to talk about experiences and that sort of stuff. He does, about his hobbies, friends, or physical things he's doing at the time. Maybe I do seem a bit closed off but it's not intentional, I just don't think consciously about anything like that. :/ I suppose women can be a bit less physical-minded, but I'm vulnerable to him as far as I know. Althought the email(s) may have just seemed more in his face than vulnerable, initiated rather than responsive, I guess.

 

He talks about things like that and is "sharing" I am sure in his mind.

 

I remember some kind of study that, when in relationships, we communicate the way we like to be communicated with.

For instance someone who speaks very logically likes to be communicated to logically.

 

So while he was telling you about those kinds of things he was looking for you to share the same way.

 

Come to think of it I have generally been very successful in relationships. And I tend to be a chameleon of sorts. Adjusting to who I am talking to and how they are communicating with me.

Perhaps this has something to do with it.

 

I think he has a funny idea of me sometimes, though. He either thinks I'm too aggressive and others that I mix things up which makes it hard for him to understand or follow my train of thought. I remember several times he's said to me "I don't know what you want. I've adjusted" but I don't know how much clearer I can make myself, that I'm mad about him.

 

Interesting. So have you ever said that plainly? I am mad about you.

"Aggressive and you mix things up" -- I am wondering what that means?

 

When he has said "I don't know what you want. I've adjusted." Do you ask him to expand that thought? That in itself is not clear. I certainly wouldn't be able to ascertain his meaning from that statement alone.

 

It's like when we had "couple" talks, I sort of hoped he understood me because I'm not great at specifying my intentions, whereas he definitely is... well, when he seemed to feel the same. He's only occasionally been open about his liking me since our December fallout.

 

Well I can tell you right now that "hoping" he understands isn't the way to leave it.

This information is for future reference of course if not for this relationship, for those in the future.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you say you aren't great at specifying your intentions.

I am not saying you need to put it all out there. Definitely you want to go at the same pace as what your getting. But you have to be able to let a guy know your intentions and how you feel.

 

Not sure how he could possibly feel the same what with shunning me like this. Seems more resigned with regard to his email reply about the band finally giving in.

 

Yes well knowing more now I am going to go back and read through the thread again.

I think you have included quite a bit more info now.

 

Our conversations, we get on very well when we're on the same page and understand each other. We always have clicked, and we share the same humour despite having very different backgrounds, and we trust each other... well, definitely did at one point. However, our communication styles are quite different, makine important talks/issues volatile because we need to pull together but end up misunderstanding. I guess it's hard to do those things with distance in the way.

 

I have had this issue the entire time I have been in a relationship with my husband.

We communicate differently about serious issues and we do not mesh well at these times.

He does not speak English as his first language and his culture is COMPLETELY different from mine. Plus I come from a high anxiety family where when we get stressed we get loud and irritated really quickly.

 

But we have always been able to work through it.

As my husband says when I apologize for chewing him up because of a misunderstanding - or after we settle down and get on the same page - "we always like that honey. We misunderstand each other but we come together in the end".

 

We do not leave things unresolved if we can help it at all.

 

I honestly don't get how you could leave things with a misunderstanding as a misunderstanding.

How incredibly frustrating that must have been!

 

Who knows if anything will change... even when/if he gets back here.

 

Well you can certainly address some things so that whether with him or anyone else you communicate more effectively.

It will help you tremendously I think.

 

And I wish you the best in any relationship you have!

[Island Girl]

Okay well. WOW.

 

I went back through and read the original e-mail and there is a lot there.

 

I am not really sure if you would like my opinion of that whole thing at this point since now it has been a little while.

 

And I know I have already given you some feedback.

 

I just hope you can get to the point where you are not so fearful of being vulnerable.

That is the root of why you fly off the handle, why you assume things (especially that the other person is setting you up for pain or embarrassment).

 

Have you always had a fear of abandonment?

Do you know what it stems from?

 

It also is probably the reason you speak in riddles and can't come out and say things straight.

I can see that being a really big issue and not just with this guy. Like the "I may have missed you" part. -- Geez. That just shows you aren't willing to put yourself out there in the slightest.

[sm0ked]

I wish I could be a "chameleon" like that. It's an interesting way of adapting to people. But I'm definitely realising some things about myself after all this, however useless it seems given that he won't even talk to me. Feels like he hates me. :/

 

The time I said I'm mad about him was in that drunken email, I don't think I said it before then. Never when in plain conversation with him, the most I'd ever said is "I like you" and such, much like he does... did, though he's more affectionate than I am (whereas in the early days -since my ex- I was mostly cold towards him, verbally abusive as a defence mech.), and I was trying to show him affection but maybe it came too late. He's more experienced in relationships, too.

 

"Aggressive and mix things up" like when having a conversation, I sometimes take things out of context or merge elements of one thing into another. So example, he uses an example of something when addressing me/us and I somehow take it as a personally/literally. Bad example maybe. My memory isn't great, except (as this thread shows) it comes to details. My mind keeps playing things back, trying to understand.

 

I didn't ask what he meant by "I've adjusted" and God I wish I had. I'm so bad at those talks, they just faze me and I react too quickly rather than rationally. It seems worse on IM. Trouble is, he seems better at dealing with issues by one-to-one talks, whereas I just put it all into written words like in the email.

 

I definitely caved/learned how to apologise to him when I feel I've been out of line. I'm not sure he's ever apologised to me for anything he's done, he's a bit righteous sometimes.

 

I forgot to mention in the thread also is that my ex got in touch with me having reappeared on a website I use (which I saw him on, and panicked about, which annoyed my guy). I told my guy I'd not reply, as he's always said there's no point and he doesn't get why I'm reacting at all if I'm over him, "don't give him ammo" and such. I did reply sometime around Valentines day, a few times, but didn't tell my guy this. To be honest I only replied because I was so frustrated, and I thought somehow "If I can talk to this guy after what he put me through, maybe I can learn something about me and fix these problems with my guy". Foolishly I put a status on FB about it... just that I'd faced the ex sort of comment, described to a friend how lame said ex still was. This is around the time of mine and my guy's last conversation on MSN, I think the silent day after, before I saw he'd deleted me on there. I wonder if my contacting the Ex did damage, if maybe he thinks I'm not over my ex. He never mentions details about his exes (I forget the reason but something about it being unimportant), and since he was there for me throughout my ex and that trainwreck of a "relationship" he also knew of my issues left over from that. I did get the impression he thought I expected him to be like the ex...

 

Something else I forgot to mention. Sometimes he'd say things like "What are you thinking?". He said it several times in our first phone talks after New Years. I said "nothing" or something random, not really what I was thinking or feeling. x.x I just didn't think it was a good idea to talk about those things so soon after he'd needed space. Now it's such a mess... as is obvious -.- I just want it fixed but I can't do anything, and I miss him so much it's crazy, and I feel so alone and stupid for being like this about everything while he isn't doing anything... although his facebook display picture(s) are a bit odd since his first blanking me mid-Feb.

 

Usually he would work through it. He's usually such a nice guy, understanding and loving towards me, not this person described in my thread... but I guess he got tired of how difficult I can be with all this and it kicked the sweetness out of him. Although I can't take all the blame... if he cared about me that much surely he wouldn't be doing this? That reply he gave me just seems so resigned.

 

^ sorry for another essay. Just ranting out loud.

 

I honestly don't get how you could leave things with a misunderstanding as a misunderstanding.

How incredibly frustrating that must have been!

We're both stubborn idiots. He usually asks for clarity, whereas I tend to just get muddled up or assume the worst. I'm definitely working on that, but all of this is almost unbearable. x_x

 

Thank you for your help.

[sm0ked]

I just hope you can get to the point where you are not so fearful of being vulnerable.

That is the root of why you fly off the handle, why you assume things (especially that the other person is setting you up for pain or embarrassment).

 

Have you always had a fear of abandonment?

Do you know what it stems from?

 

It also is probably the reason you speak in riddles and can't come out and say things straight.

I can see that being a really big issue and not just with this guy. Like the "I may have missed you" part. -- Geez. That just shows you aren't willing to put yourself out there in the slightest.

I think you're probably right about all that. I can't think where the fear comes from, well, saying that a lot of guys I've been interested in who were friends/more have disappeared or just pulled away. Might explain my clinginess.

 

I do speak in riddles, it's true. He said himself once how it's funny (but didn't mention probably annoying) how I really stutter when I want to say how I feel about him, going off on tangents then getting back to it then stuttering more and such. But I still think I made it clear that he's so important to me... but it's hard to put into words without sounding like a total loser, and I want him to put himself out there more before I do. How can I do that now when he's just proved himself to be like all the others?

 

Now I'm just stuck with all this feeling and wishing things would get better when I can't even know for sure that his last reply email was the end of everything. Why else delete me on skype. -_-

[Lucky_One]

You may have clarified this above, but to be honest, some of the posts were novellas!

 

You lived 10 minutes from him for how long, but you refused to ever meet him, even after you started developing romantic feelings for him?

[sm0ked]

You may have clarified this above, but to be honest, some of the posts were novellas!

 

You lived 10 minutes from him for how long, but you refused to ever meet him, even after you started developing romantic feelings for him?

 

Yeah sorry I should be a bit more pithy with my writing.

 

Sadly, I didn't meet with him because of several reasons (sound like excuses to me because of how I feel about him now).

1. I wasn't sure I felt as strongly as him.

2. I thought since he was being deported, it'd be easier not meeting until he was back because he knew he'd be away for at least until early this year. Now it seems it'll be longer.. that's if I even hear of him returning.

3. Maybe I was a little worried, not that he'd hurt me or anything, but that we should spend time getting used to each other over phone a bit.

[Lucky_One]

To be perfectly honest, from your refusal to meet him alone, I would say that either you felt unsafe with him (a great legit excuse to refuse to meet, but makes no sense why you wouldn't still have niggling feelings of worry now) OR you have issues with commitment, openness, vulnerability and trust- exactly what your XBF is telling you - as well as not trusting your own instincts regarding people.

 

I might consider some counseling or therapy to get to the root of this, before i went any further with trying to get him back into a speaking relationship with you.

[sm0ked]

I have considered it, but admittedly I feel really weak having to talk to someone about these things. Silly really, since I don't think the same of others who choose therapy. It sounds like a really good idea, though because as you say it'll be rougher trying to talk to him without sorting out whatever is up with my brain. I'll look into therapy places local to me.

 

Thank you.

[Island Girl]

Hi again.

 

Well your last couple of posts speak volumes.

 

You throw out these little kernels of truth and they are just glaring to me.

 

One was:

"it's hard to put into words without sounding like a total loser, and I want him to put himself out there more before I do."

 

Which says to me that you think professing affection and feelings is weakness.

You say not for everyone else. But that isn't entirely true.

And certainly you think saying it first makes you weak and you see it as being vulnerable.

You are terrified to put your feelings out there because POSSIBLY the other person will...what? Are you scared he will say "that's nice" or laugh; is the worst case scenario that it won't matter to him?

 

And by him - I mean the him that is your SO. This may be the ex or it may be someone else.

 

What is it that you are so afraid of?

 

Perhaps you are afraid that if you confess what you feel then that will be the end?

I have a feeling this has a lot to do with it.

 

The truth is that we all can create self fulfilling prophecies. This is especially true about negative outcomes. What you are most afraid of you make happen by action, inaction, words spoken, and words unspoken.

 

Each time you fly off the handle you push for that outcome.

Each time you do something like that e-mail (even though you knew he would not respond favorably) you push for that outcome.

 

It is really sad how frightened you are of caring about someone and letting them really care about you -- hell, even really know you (the "real" you).

 

I have a feeling it is the same way with counseling.

Yes there is a fear of weakness in going but the real fear is having to get "real" and bear your true self to another person.

Even in that there is something that scares you so badly. Is it that you feel you will be judged or inadequate in some way?

 

What ever it is, you really do desperately need some therapy. No matter what direction this relationship goes in.

You need it so that some day you CAN have what you want most of all.

And you'll quit sabotaging yourself.

[sm0ked]

That all makes a lot of sense actually. I'm not even sure what causes me to act or think that way, but it could be fear of the worst, worry of pushing him away, or lack of trust. He doesn't think I trust him, and has defended himself against comments on his profile(s) left by female friends because of something I once took the wrong way. I do trust him though, or I thought I did before all this stuff. Now it's feeling like I sabotaged things, but on top of that he's just closed off from me. I can't believe things are as they are.

 

The therapy thing would make me feel pathetic, and I'd worry I'll be judged for falling for a guy I've never met, but then again it seems a lesser evil than feeling like I've done nothing to solve whatever part I played in this whole fallout. Besides, it can't feel worse than how I feel right now with things in such a state with this guy. I'm in pieces about it and having to pretend everything's alright to everyone else.

 

Thank you, you've said so many helpful things.

[sm0ked]

Oh I just realise I didn't answer the question about how long I had a chance to meet with this guy while he was 10 minutes away!

Well I started returning his feelings in very early October, he found out from a mutual "friend" whom I'd asked to drop hints to him (got the job done but he'd rather I'd have done it), and he had to be deported before November hit. So I probably had around two weeks or less.

 

What really bites me right now is that he asked me several times to come see him over in china. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. Guess that didn't help. But I figured he's coming back soon enough, and I don't know, we were talking so often.

/good excuse to bump thread.

 

I'm snappy and irritable, miserable all the time. I keep having bad nights where I just break down, 'cause I don't really have people who I can talk to about this. Either they're sick of it or they just aren't great at it. Writing things out is better than feeling completely useless.

 

I keep wondering if he'll ever make contact, if he's maybe met someone, or if there's something I'm supposed to do. (I shouldn't apologise, it's not like he has... and he's deleted me on all but websites). I mean... surely he wouldn't delete me from msn or skype if he planned on talking to me or helping matters? It's been over a month of no talking! I can't understand any of this... how he can just switch off like that if he cares/cared about me. I wonder if he's given up forever or what the heck this is all about. And his reply email (in topic), just seemed to resigned. and keeps playing in my head as such a final sort of thing.

 

My mind keeps trying to understand everything and I wish I could get in his head. Didn't think it was possible to miss someone this much. Can't believe he's doing this. I just don't want to lose him and it's tearing me up.