Abusive Husband x 2 + kids = ?

[jenbear]

Ok, here's a curve ball for you...

 

I have accepted that my husband is abusive. I am not ignorant to the cycle and I live through it daily and have for many years now (through 2 husbands if you can imagine the stupidity).

 

My current husband, he was (is) physically abusive - very much so. He was arrested years ago, but I wouldnt testify for him so the state dropped the charges. He promised change. Change I didnt get for awhile, but then he went for almost 6 mths without hitting me and it started again. Only not as bad as before. Instead of black eyes and broken bones, I just get shoved and objects thrown at me. But the real change was he is now much much more verbally abusive than ever. Instead of hitting like he used to, its more cutting me down and name calling and threats.

 

C*nt wh**e b**ch - You name it, Ive been called it. Really heinous stuff. Every cut down in the book and then some I have never heard before. This happens alot. Daily. Nothing I do is right. I am worthless in every respect and no man would ever want me because I am a used up piece of s**t.

 

I just dont understand. Not any of it. I gave him 2 beautiful children that he sometimes loves and sometimes hates. Sometimes he blames them, sometimes he blames me. Its always somebody besides himself. Granted, he doesn't hit the kids. He does yell at them way too much, but I step in and take the brunt of it instead.

 

He drinks too much. "I'm Irish". He has a major rage problem. It's an "Irish Temper". Well, hearing him talk you'd expect the entire country of Ireland to be in jail! Its an excuse. Its all an excuse.

 

I know this. I am not stupid, nor have I allowed his rants to break me. I am stronger than that, I am stronger than anything.

 

So why dont I leave?

 

Ok, heres the problem. My ex. I have 2 children from a previous marriage to another abusive jerk. (Will I ever learn?!?! I have now! In my defense, Im only 27 - I married the 1st guy at 16). Well, abusive jerk #1 and his super-controlling mom filed for custody of our kids (as promised) upon me finally leaving him. A big terrible custody battle ensued and in the end we have joint custody. So, I have the oldest 2 50% of the time, he has them 50%. Not happy (at all) but thats how it went.

 

Back to here and now. Not having my 1st 2 all of the time hurts me. Badly. I cry, I pain, I worry. OK, I worry a lot! It really hurts. My husband sees this and knows he has something on me... My kids. Thats all I really care about in this entire world - my children. All 4 of them. He knows this.

 

So, if I try to leave he says he will fight for custody. Lie if he has to. Don't think he could get it? Well, jerk #1 got 50% even with plenty of evidence of abuse so I imagine jerk #2 could as well.

 

Where would this leave them? Where would this leave me? All I care about is those kids and dammnit, they need me!

 

Thats for starters. Then, there's jerk #1. If I try to leave jerk #2 on grounds of abuse, then jerk #1 will come back for custody again. This is if Jerk #1 doesnt decide to work with Jerk #2 (and more on that in a bit).

 

Short Intermission, folks - Before this drama starts sounding like Jerry Springer, in my defense I am a reasonable "normal" person - just so you know. I have never been in trouble with the law. Not even a speeding ticket. I am not an addict, criminal, psychopath or serial killer. I am for all purposes a normal suburban mom. I just seem to have chosen some bad men. Ya don't say? Ok, fair enough. Ive learned. Lord help me, I have learned.

 

Ok, so... No matter what I do I'm screwed. For the sake of me & the kids, none of this is right.

 

So if I try to leave and better our situation, Jerk #1 would sieze the opportunity and Jerk #2 would silmontaneously take up the same fight for our kids as well. Thats if they don't gang up. You see, my current husband actually threatened to work togother with Jerk #1 to both fight for sole custody so that I never see any of my kids again if I try to leave him.

 

Do I believe him? I wish I didn't, but my faith in the "system" is gone.

 

Honestly, If you have never been to family court you'll have to trust me on this - facts dont matter. Proof doesnt matter. Allegations (especially if more than one person makes them - say you and your mom, OR 2 jerk husbands working togother) are perfectly good enough.

 

For example... I proved abuse. I proved it with pictures and witnesses. He (& mommy) alleged I was crazy and "refusing to take my medication" (lol - no, really). I had sworn statements from my doctor and insurance records that I was never diaganosed or prescribed with anything for any reason. And that's the truth!

 

Who did the judge believe? I dont know, but he has joint custody (and hes a dangerous ass - the kind of guy you wouldnt trust with your pet goldfish much less your kids)! BTW - the "crazy" allegation is a classic. Pure classic - a "crazy woman". No tests for that - no real way to prove it and how in the hell do you prove the absence of something that didnt exist anyways? Ladies, beware.

 

So, would his plan work? Sadly, likely yes. Especially if they work togother. My kids are everything to me. Everything. If they gang up and take all of them they might as well kill me anyhow.

 

Bringing me back to my final point...

 

Alright then, humor how I cope if you have not noticed (so that I dont actually GO crazy someday b/c of these jerks!). But in all seriousness, I am straight serious here. My husband will hurt me badly some day and I know it. He's promised he will kill me. He says that allot. He is dangerous and I really do believe him.

 

In the meantime, the verbal abuse is almost more than I can take. I am strong, I know what hes doing but it still hurts so badly, especially as it is literally constant (and actually he works from home so there is NO escape for me EVER).

 

So, what in the world do I do? Stand the chance of loosing all of my kids to 2 jerks and a broken system OR take the chance that he will kill me and I would be no use to my kids dead? (Not to mention the unfair ranting on our little 2 now and lord knows where thats going!).

 

Help me out here - its a terrible situation and I dont know what to do! What would you do?

[Chat]

Leave - simple leave

[JLee26]

Wow, first of all. Reading this post, really hits me in a very tender spot. My father was abusive, and i mean everybit as abusive as you are talking. My first memory is my fathering carrying me to the neighbors house in the middle of the night, handcuffed escorted by police and my mother being loaded into an ambulance not sure if she would live. Tha night my father broke my mothers neck, and almost, but not quite killed her. Had it not been for my older brother calling 911 she would be dead.

Children should NOT see this kind of stuff. WE REMEMBER, WE DO NOT FORGET.

You may think that you "taking the brunt of it" saves them, but it does not. it is worse, because the person that is supposed to protect you is hurt and now what? YOU CANT DEFEND YOURSELF because your only 3.

The biggest difference between my mother and you is when she had the oppertunity to jail that *ss SHE DID. and then she moved me and my siblings to another state. It wasnt easy, we struggled ALOT. but we were SAFE. there is no price you can put on that.

If he is hurting you press charges and hold them, dont get scared and walk away.

 

THOSE KIDS NEED YOU TO BE THEIR MOTHER SO START ACTING LIKE ONE.

 

i am sorry if i am coming off as cross, but i have been there and i live daily with the damage an abusive father doles out. do not do this to your kids, it is the absolute worst.

[quankanne]

I just dont understand. Not any of it.

 

simple: He's got you where he wants you, and the both of you know it. He knows that you fear losing your children ... but you need to understand that it's worth that fight, and the bigger case you can build through documentation, the better off you are.

 

do you have a local women's shelter you and the rugrats can stay at? Especially when you've got possession of your two oldest kiddos? Squirrel away all documentation you need, extra money, etc, until you are able to just walk away from the situation with all kids in hand. The shelter has resources available to you, and will give yo the emotional and psychological support you need to get through this and to succeed on your own, but you have to want this.

 

IMO, there is no threat greater than the one posed by abuse itself ... all the things he says to screw with your mind are just a means of controlling you, and that only happens if you choose to believe his crap. Because he needs you weak, submissive, in order to succeed. If you develop any kind of psychological strength, it's a sign to him that the game is now over.

 

if you won't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. All of them. I love my dad, but he was a sonovabitch I had no respect for because of the crap he'd tell my mother, and bless her heart, she put up with it even when there were no kids left at home to have to stay with him for. Frankly, and I've told her this, if he were my husband, I'd have killed him long ago, because she deserved better than the bullshxt he doled out.

 

and so do you.

 

XXX,

quank

[Chat]

Yes, the system sucks but there is always ways around it. Next time he pops you one, go to the police, restraining orders etc etc and risk the chance that the state will fail because your allowing your children to be emotionally scarred now and there is NO excuse for staying NONE

 

Get family support, community support, state support - you say your stronger than this - prove it to your kids

[Eve]

Methinks its time to move to another state and start all over again with all of the kids. You can walk away from that shadow of fear. Really it is just an illusion created to keep you trapped.

 

You can live well.

 

So, let them worry about it .. (the two jerks) and go and make a new life. In a few years time it will be like gazing down at the Earth from a plane thousands of feet up in the air, knowing that the problems you overcame cannot touch you.

 

Also makes for great bonding with the kids in that they will know for sure that their mother put them first and they too can always take a chance and make good of it.. even when they are scared.

 

Start making plans woman! Find professionals who can help to support you now. Many women who work in such environments have experienced what you are going through.

 

Talk, cry, make plans. Actions will follow.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[redfathom]

You teach people how to treat you, it's time you made him afraid. Unfortuantely the system is flawed and doesn't always protect woman, but there is help and thing you can do. If you want to get custody of your kids you need to build a case against your current H, next time he hits you, you call the police, AND now this is important, you don't go back to him. You leave, if you do that the court will see you are trying to get out of a bad relationship, not trying to play the martyr.

 

If you make a pattern of returning then any judge or court will think you're crazy, I mean who ever knowingly puts themseleves and their kids in danger is not all there. I know you say you are "norma" but actions speak louder then words. Of course anyone in your case couldn't be normal...

 

If you keep returning of course they will say you are making it up and the courts will believe them, because why would anyone return to a home where they get beat up?!

[Lizzie60]

I honestly don't get it....

 

You're NOT strong.. you're pathetically weak.. you're too weak to even protect your own children from his abuse..

 

Don't you think that the role models you're teaching your children is destroying any chances for them to be responsible, loving adults..

 

They will, in turn, abuse, beat their partners/children. That's all they've ever learned.

 

Geezz... get some backbone and leave the jerk.

 

You say you have your first 2 children 50% of the time.. in my book that's joint custody.. fair for both parents..

 

If he's abusive to your children.. then call the Children's Aid... they'll take care of it.. you don't have to do anything (except the complaint).. they will do the rest..