tabbico Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 I found this message on my husband's e-mail: "Friday was great. I tried calling you when I got home but no luck. I tried calling you yesterday and today with no luck. Why can't I reach you on the weekends? I have been thinking of you ever since Friday. I can't get over how good it was and how wonderful I felt afterwards. I didn't want to leave you. I would like to be able to see more of you if you would like that. Well babe I'm going for now thinking of you always. Hope everything your way is fine." Signed by a female. I confronted him with this (I was out of town on a business meeting on the Friday in question) and he swears this is a woman he met at unemployment who poured her heart out to him about her problems while they were waiting in line. He said she had her kids with her. I asked about the calls and he said he has never talked to her on the phone but I checked his cell phone and her number is on it. He admitted to talking to her when I confronted him with it, and said he did not tell me because he thought I would get mad. This is a prepaid cell phone which, as far as I knew, he never uses for chit-chat since it is so expensive. I asked him why he didn't just talk to her on our regular phone and he said she wanted him to use the cell phone so his number would not show up on her caller ID and her husband would get mad. This sounds like a whole lot of BS to me! He swears he is not having an affair with her. What do you all think? Affair or not? I am agonizing over this and I just do not believe him. Now I think back on several evenings when he went out with "the boys" (or so he said) and didn't come back until almost dawn and said he was too drunk to drive so he slept in the car and think maybe he is lying about that and was really with another woman. Anyone have any experience with anything like this? What should I believe and do? I have completely lost trust in him. I am also now worrying about STD's... AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
LadyX Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 He's guilty....Go to the Doctor and get tested for STDs. She probably doesn't even know he's involved with you. E-mail or call her back and let her know. And then you can both dump him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tabbico Posted October 11, 2003 Author Share Posted October 11, 2003 Thanks, LadyX, but I don't want to dump him. I want him to stop lying to me and evading my questions and talk about this and maybe get over it. I just don't know whether he is lying or not, and his answers seem awfully weak. I don't know whether to believe him or not, or how to get him to talk to me. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyX Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 People who cheat and lie about it don't just stop because you want them to. First he has to admit he's lying, and be willing to get marriage counseling. He gave you them most lame story about the woman being in an unemployment line....and she made the comment about "How good it was" and "How it made her feel afterward" How stupid does he think you are? I've never got that much satisfaction at the unemployment office! And you don't know whether to believe him or not?!? Wake up! It sounds like it's not the first time. He got drunk and slept in his car? Get some backbone and handle your business! And if you should decide not to dump him.....insist he wear a condom with you from now on....for your own safety! I just saw in another thread that you're a college proffessor.....the way you're handling this I thought you were a young girl! You should know better! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tabbico Posted October 11, 2003 Author Share Posted October 11, 2003 Have to admit, when I read what I wrote, it sure does sound stupid. I don't think I have ever had a "feel good" experience in ANY line! And certainly not with my children in tow. He also spent a weekend with a band he plays with at the beach and came home with a "friend" named Brenda - I went back and checked our bank report and he spent almost $700 on that weekend! He has also been getting e-mails from this woman, but they are mostly dirty jokes and not much text. I just don't know how I will ever be able to trust him again. I have never felt so hurt and betrayed in my life, and I thought we had the "perfect" marriage. Why can't men keep their pants zipped?? Link to post Share on other sites
Nostalghia Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 Yes, take it from a former cheater ... he's between the sheets with this lady! Advice: Dump Him! Link to post Share on other sites
VASH THE STAMPEDE Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 Why the hell would you want to stay with him????hes cheated on you with this girl,jow many more will never be truly known.You already lost your trust in him what else is there? Link to post Share on other sites
Nostalghia Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 Originally posted by VASH THE STAMPEDE Why the hell would you want to stay with him????hes cheated on you with this girl,jow many more will never be truly known.You already lost your trust in him what else is there? These women are gluttons for punishment that's what's wrong! Link to post Share on other sites
Meredith Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 The longer one: yes, and you are in denial if you believe another word that comes out of his mouth. I don't know you, or him, and I have no idea what your relationship, or life, is like. I only know what I've read here. But even so, I would be willing to bet my bank account that your husband is unfaithful to you. I say this because I have heard those same lies before, and the truth was as plain as the nose on my face. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tabbico Posted October 13, 2003 Author Share Posted October 13, 2003 To Vash and Nostalghia- I am not a glutton for punishment, and you ask why the hell would I want to stay with him. Well, there are children involved, who love him very much. He is a wonderful father and step-father. We have had many very great years together and I have always thought of him as my best friend. I vowed to stay with him "for better and for worse" - yes, he broke a vow, and I am trying to understand why and what it means for us. I am not one to "dump" someone at the drop of a hat. We may wind up breaking up, but I would like to work things out if he is willing. My biggest problem is that he just won't talk to me, so I do not know what is going on with him - and this is something that is unusual because we usually can talk about anything. Nostalghia, you say you are a former cheater. Can you tell us why you cheated? (This question goes out to anyone who has cheated.) Was something wrong in your relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled1 Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 First of all, a question nobody has asked, is....HOW did you go about finding this incriminating email to start with? I mean, geez......let's be real, of course the email was referring to sex, of course he's cheating............BUT.......if a guy is cheating and doesn't WANT TO GET CAUGHT by his wife, wouldn't he be sure to do all in his powers to prevent his wife from ever finding correspondence from his lover? So then.....how hard did you have to look to find this email? Could you tell if it had been "opened/read" already, or not? What I'm wondering is.........did he *want* you to find it? Was he purposely careless so that you would find it? Most cheaters would go to great lengths.....even setting up a private email acct that their wife has no knowledge of. The fact that he refuses to talk about all this......that to me, is a red flag. The fact that he gave you such a HORRIBLY LAME and UNBELIEVABLE story about meeting this child-toting dame in the unemployment line, bla bla...........it almost sounds to me like maybe he doesn't care and wanted to get caught. Okay, so want to stay because you made wedding vows, and because you have children together and he's a great Dad. Super. But by your allowing him to remain there in your home, by you allowing him no consequences for his skanky and vow-breaking actions, you're sending him a loud and clear message that you're ACCEPTING his unfaithfulness and lies. Hell, it sounds like he thinks you're so passive and spineless that he doesn't even have to TALK about any of this........that he's the one in control here. AND HE IS! If you're going to allow a dog like this to remain under your roof, you at least need to grab the bull by the horns and get a backbone.........I would start by seeing an attorney to find out your rights here......not that you have to proceed with anything, but to at least find out if you can boot his ass out, should that be necessary. So you're a professor, and he was in the unemployment line? How is that now? So now that he's got this dame (was it a one time fling or has it been ongoing?), are you at risk of him cleaning out your bank accounts? You need to talk to an attorney. You've already seen the proof of that $700 weekend ($700 that could have been spent on his family, or your children, not some weekend with a broad). So he's a great dad. How great of a Dad is he, if he's betrayed his childrens' mother the way he has? That's not a great Dad in my books. Children deserve a good role model...and good relationship role models, regardless of their age. What kind of role model is he? Surely your children can sense that something's going on here. Children aren't stupid. I'm sure they can see the hurt and pain and shock on your face..and they can sense his distance. That's not good or fair to them. If he's not even willing to be freaking man enough to have the balls to sit down and face the music, then you don't have much of anything. And if he's not even owning up to what he's done, and continues to tell huge, unbelievable lies, who's to say he's not still seeing this woman? Who knows about her history? Could she have HIV? Herpes? Be an IV drug user? (or history of doing that in the past)....how long has this been going on for? Has he been sleeping with both of you at the same time? Are you going to go to your doctor and get tested? I sure hope so. It's natural to want to "understand" why a spouse has done this..........nobody is begrudging you of that............but as it stands, this so-called husband of yours is getting of scott-free for betraying not only you, but his own family (children)........and that just doesn't sit very well to us reading. You're likely spending your time now, going through his pockets and his cell phone numbers and his email and his vehicle, looking for more proof..........wondering where he is when he's not home, etc. Isn't that a horrible way to live? This piece of crap doesn't even have the respect for you, to be truthful and own up to his indiscretion.....he's still trying to lie his way through, OR, totally avoid the topic altogether....therefore, not even showing any remorse. Link to post Share on other sites
joeg Posted October 15, 2003 Share Posted October 15, 2003 befuddled i totally agree with EVERYTHING you just said... i cant be bothered rewriting everyhing that was already written above... just read befuddleds post again but pretend it has 'joe' up on the top Link to post Share on other sites
Bird Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 Boy, that's a tough one. I guess I don't see it so clear-cut as the others. To me it could go either way. I agree with e-mailing this woman back and getting her side of the story - see if his version and hers match. Don't tell her anything about what he said, tho. If she blows u off then that would be more evidence. You definitely deserve answers, tho. A message like that could easily me misinterpreted. Let's hope that's the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Bird Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 just wanna add that i'm leaning towards the idea he's been hiding the salami with her, tho. Link to post Share on other sites
Marsha Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 I found an email also. It was from my husbands girlfriend. It said something about her husband being laid off and she could not call him and she would e mail him again before she went to bed. I found it and I asked him about it. He at first told me that they only talk on the phone as friends then he admitted that he slept with her. I think he is cheating on you and does not want to admit it because of the phone card and what the e mail say. My husbands lovers address was in our computer address book for months and she e mailed him at night after 10 and every morning he would go to the computer first thing. When I first saw the e mail address in the computer address book I asked him about it and he told me it was the e mail address of one of his friends, a woman he had been frineds with and worked with. He lied it was not hers it was his lovers. He admitted this to me now. He also has lied and then when I found out said he did not tell me because I would get mad. I remember him getting phone calls on his cell phone and going outside to talk and now I know this was her. Im sorry I hope I am wrong but I think he is cheating on you it sounds too familiar to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tabbico Posted October 20, 2003 Author Share Posted October 20, 2003 Oh, I am sure now he has been cheating. Why go behind my back if nothing is going on? I have since this opened my own checking account and cut him off from my money. I am going day to day now - still don't know what I am going to do. He still swears nothing went on but I so don't believe it and I feel we cannot get beyond this until he admits it. Double arrgghh. Link to post Share on other sites
2Confused4thought Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 Hun it's pretty obvious that he is guilty and she obviously has no idea he is involved with someone else. If you don't want to leave him I suggest you make him admit it and then find out why he did it and work around that. I have been cheated on before and it wasn't untill I was able to make him admit it that we where able to work past it. Once he admitted to it he was able to apologize and recognize that it was a mistake and we where able to talk about why it happened in the first place. I do believe that you can move past infedility but only if you can bring him to being honest with you. If he continues to deny it your relationship is doomed because you know it happned and you will never get over it because he will be lying in your face everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyX Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 You've done the right thing to seperate him from your money. No sense in supporting him and his lovers, and paying for their fun times. Bravo! Link to post Share on other sites
smokeybare01 Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 I can relate to many things you are going through. I've lived with my wife for 16 years and found out in 99 she was seeing someone else. I discovered she really was really two personalities as strange as it sounds. The woman I lived with everyday with my son that wanted a family, home, etc. and a woman that was wild and wanted excitement. I found people like this are users, they are really interested in their self and how everything impacts them. We have children, church, families and our lives are involved with all of these. We went to therapy really for me, she was mad that we went at all. Last December, I checked up on her and she is still involved with the same guy after 4 years. As much as you love them and as bad as they hurt you, you can still want them. You have that true love, that commitment, that trust, and that emotional connection for them. You want this from them. Does he look you in the eye and you know he is lying? Does he show you the love and affection you show him? Does he make you feel guilty when he does something wrong and you question him? One ting you can be assured of is you will never trust him again. I'm still with my wife for now, but I am falling out of love with her just like I fell in love, a day at a time. Good Luck, smokeybare Link to post Share on other sites
Author tabbico Posted October 21, 2003 Author Share Posted October 21, 2003 Hi Smokeybare- Interesting, your situation. I never thought of the two lives idea. I do think my husband loves me and he shows me every day - he gets up earlier than me and always makes me coffee and has a cup ready for me when he wakes me up. He often calls me at lunchtime just to talk, writes me poems, does all sorts of nice thoughtful things for me, etc. He is a very gentle, caring man. I have always thought of him as my best friend, which makes all of this very hard because now I feel that I cannot trust him the way I thought I could. He doesn't make me feel guilty when I ask him about "Tina", he just avoids the conversation by either changing the subject or walking away. If I really push him he insist nothing ever happened. I really am afraid I will never be able to trust him again. Link to post Share on other sites
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